deernet | Video; UN: Spider-Man

Hey, everyone! Spider-Man here — AKA your favorite Peter! Sorry to all the other Peters, but them's just the breaks. I've worked too hard the last three years around here to not get top-billed spot as Peter! ... Alright, alright, maybe I'll share with Peter Graham. But only because he's as old and tired as me. We're like a thousand years old in spirit, right? Right. The Peter Pack old boys.

Anyway, I used to give people informational packets, back when we lived in, uh... Deerington. You know, in Maine? You remember that old chestnut? Yeah, me too. Lucky me, my house and lab came with me! A little less furbished, but I do what I can. I'll be starting up my new job as a teacher here at the school soon, because old habits die hard, but I suppose I don't mind doing some teaching outside of the school, too, sooooo...

If you wanna know anything about the world that existed before Trench, I can answer questions as best I can. You guys all deserve that. And, uh. If it helps — I've attached a copy of the PPPP(S). Yup, that's right! The original! The O.G., as the hip kids call it.

[FILE ATTACHED.]

Super sorry if anything's confusing; I can fill out any of the weird blanks or things that don't quite make sense. And for everyone who doesn't need this info because they swam their little squid tuckuses behind me.... Hey! How's it going! Tell me a good joke, if you've got one. Let me know how you're settling while you're at it. I've been pretty good, personally. Lots of fighting, y'know. Creepy monsters away from the outskirts of town.

So basically nothing's changed.

Well, nothing other than the month, I guess! Wow, wait, is it already a new month? Can't believe...

[He trails off, and seems to realize, belatedly, loudly, and with great concern:]

OH NO, NOT OCTOBER!

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

It's absolutely a tradition! I'm an idiot when it comes to anything outside of New York City, but kids go out and trick-or-treat on the day of Halloween, knocking door to door and getting sweets from the people who answer.

... Of course, trusting that in Trench might be, uh, dicey.

But maybe it's less sinister here than it was before!

Whatever they were covering for a news story at the time, really.

But I did... make a lot of money taking pictures of that elusive 'Spider-Man' dude.

[He'll let you digest that yourself.

What a dweeb.]

I'm not gonna let anyone explode!!!
It'll be totally safe, I'll test it on myself first!
So if someone DOES explode, it'll be me. :D

That's not super reassuring either...
Maybe try it on some test dummies first? (like actual replicas not stupid people)

... Oh.

[Sorry, he's blue screening on a proper answer at the moment.]

- Oh. (a sputtery laugh,) I get it.

Didn't know you were a model on the side.

... Uh. I don't have any living family at this time, so I guess your threat's a bit hollow.

Maul, buddy, have you never joked with people in your entire life?

You gotta relax a little. This is what gets you into trouble half the time!

Not everyone has a hand that can burn their friends like that.

[... Apples, huh? Maybe she's allergic.

That'd be a real shame.]

For the most part, yeah! I'm kind of having some issues not accidentally shooting webs, though. If you see some webs that look way too big for a normal spider hanging around town... that's probably my fault. Sorry about that.

[Nope, he's never needed a sense of humor before now. His master had made him into a weapon and weapons didn't need a sense of humor. Even now, what little he has in the way of one is much more attuned to the macabre and black comedy than anything else.

His voice goes flat.]

Oh, yes, I'm sure it's my lack of appreciating idiotic humor that keeps getting me into trouble instead of the populace considering me a monster whenever I do anything wrong or are even just accused of it without evidence. What a fool I was to think otherwise.

Weeeell, if it's all the same to you I think I'll skip on the walking dead.

You had people willingly kickstarting undead hoards?

I think I can figure it out.

Something with roses on it? Something leather? Maybe some cute bracelets or boots?

Maybe a tower of sweets?

You sure about that?

Because Trench seems to make sure everyone's got something.

Aw, that's nice of you to differentiate. You saved a lot of dummies today!

I survived this long, right? You can trust me! ;)

[was that reassuring]

[Spider-Man apparently decides this means he needs to strike a pose.

While standing on the side of a building!]

Well? Don't you think I look like a total Spider-Stud?

Of course I was gonna sell my selfies!

Oh, I definitely want in on this now, this sounds exciting.

Exactly how sinister was it before, though? So I know what to expect to run into if I do go out to get free candy from people.

[LISTEN HERE, MISTER SASSY-PANTS...]

You were long dead for a while

[The scowl deepens, but Mike is already shoving to his feet, one hand braced on the table as he reaches for the crutch. It clunks unevenly on the floor as he hobbles over to the window and unlatches the pane, making room for Peter to climb through.]

I'm fine. This doctor guy put pins in it and it barely even hurts anymore.

[Two lies and a truth.]

It just- healed weird, or something. I don't know.

[Thanks, Pete, you're an inspiration. ]

He's fine! I uh... pushed him into the canal so he's...okay? But still, I'd rather...avoid that again.

(hey, so long as he doesn't point the camera down and show off just how high up he is, that's fine by her.

ish)

You're gonna look squished if you don't pay attention to what you're doing, you know.

(don't fall while she's on video chat with you she doesn't wanna see it!)

I'm pretty sure, Peter.

[Maybe it's a little flat. A little sharp. But it's becoming clearer and clearer that Trench didn't see fit to give him much of anything to help the others with.]

[All it left was this useless hunk of metal. That hurts.]

... You ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf? It's an old Earth tale, so I wouldn't be shocked if it wasn't on your reading list. I'd look it up.

You've got to stop acting like everyone else is to blame for being wary of the guy who came into their lives ready to commit violence to whoever so much as sneezed in his direction. Change is good. It's great, and I love that, and nobody's past redemption. Buuuut you also just threatened to hunt me down and hurt me just because you don't know how to just hang up a call and move on with your day, and you have a victim complex the size of the Empire State Building. You get angry when everyone else needs time to comprehend your sincerity, when you didn't have that to start with. People hide from you because you can't handle the smallest slight.

And boy, you are the king of self-sabotaging.

I got better

Oh, it's not Halloween itself per se, it's... uh.

In Deerington, October was the bad month. You know what I mean?

Like... rivers of blood kind of bad month. Eternal darkness kind of bad. Generally just an unfun time, even by the usual standards.

... But!

Maybe it's different here!

[Allergic is one way to phrase it.]

Shall I just tell the local spiders it's a nice hotel stay? [She giggles.]

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