deernet | text ; un: dovahkiin

[you will never be]

[He has to read that several times. And it keeps him from replying. He's too busy reading it over, and over again. How it wars against the cautionary tales from Paarthurnax, the only other being who seemed to actually be looking out for a petrified Argonian's welfare.]

[Dov wahlaan fah rel - you will never be - The will to power is in our blood - that is not what you are like]

i i want that to be true

[ See, with Melius needing a few moments to read that message over and over.. It seems like it's given the girl some time to actually arrive at the store, letting herself in with the door being unlocked and all.

At least she does call out with a soft, but polite: ]

I'm here..

[ But she has seen the message that appeared on her Omni only a moment before entering, and it makes her smile as she heads a little further into the shop in order to be able to see Melius himself. ]

Um, you know.. Forgive me for suddenly continuing the talk like this, but.. If you want it to be true, then there's nothing to worry about. You're already a good person, Melius. That means you don't have to change anything about yourself. I know you'll just stay this way.

[Melius is... slotted into the back room of the shop. The door's open a crack, though. With his omen peering out - a clear indication of where he's hiding. Once she spots Chizuru, though, the dragon ducks back inside the room.]

[And perches on Melius' head. Mercifully silent, for once.]

Hi... [He doesn't look up. There are bags of dried material, seeds, containers - it's storage. And Melius appears to be sorting through it all.]

I don't - I don't know. I don't know anything about... being what I am. There's - there's no one else. Like me.

[Well, there's Miraak, but Melius hasn't met him yet in his timeline.]

[ Thank you, little fierce dragon Omen... Chizuru likes to think that she's being quiet because this conversation is good for Melius, but honestly, it might just be a lucky coincidence.

Chizuru will take it anyway, especially when Melius is already dealing with enough right now to have to tame a dragon on top of it. ]

.. do you think that's a bad thing?

[ The girl softly asks him that, like she doesn't want to fully break him out of whatever concentration he's using for what he's doing right now.

Instead she looks around to find any spot to sit, before sitting down there, her bag neatly and carefully placed on her lap. ]

I... I don't know.

[He stops sorting through the herbs. Stops moving his hands. So he can wrap his arms around his knees and better huddle up.]

I - I don't know anything. About - About Dovahkiin. Just - just they have... dragon souls.

[Dragon blood. They are for lack of better words, dragons in all but body. How can anyone think they would be decent people? Only Paarthurnax resigned himself from dragon nature. Through so many centuries of work and effort.]

[How is someone like Melius supposed to measure up?]

And I can't - I can't ask. Anyone! They just want me - want me to save them.

You know.. I-- um.

[ It's not easy for Chizuru to talk about any of this. But when her friend is here like this, clearly struggling with this topic, how could she hold back and not talk about this herself? If she has to do one difficult thing to maybe be able to help a friend a little, if not just by letting them know she can relate, then she should do it.

She just has to summon some courage within herself. ]

It wasn't.. really that long ago when I found out I wasn't like all the other people around me either. And I know it's.. strange, and hard.

[ Hence why it's so difficult for Chizuru to talk about, especially when she feels like sharing her problems with other people is a little rude.. especially when said other people probably already have enough to struggle with themselves without adding her trouble on top of it.

Case in point: Melius himself. ]

Especially when there's no one to ask about these things. [ Sure, there had been some other demons in Chizuru's world, but most of them were actively trying to kidnap her, so.. not exactly the best types to ask stuff to, huh.. ]

But even when you don't know stuff, and even when it feels overwhelming.. sometimes all you can do is just-- um. Just doing what feels right to you, you know..?

[ That's what she's been doing all this time. ]

Do... do you mean - how you don't die?

[He asks it very quietly. Like he's worried about the answer. Should he not be asking? Is that rude? His omen doesn't even comment, for once, just curls her way around his horns with a sigh.]

[He doesn't know the full story behind her ability - but he's grateful for it. Grateful he doesn't have to worry one day he'll turn around and this friend will be murdered. Skyrim had a nasty habit of killing nice people.]

Some - some people say - they understand, here. But I ... I don't know what to say. Maybe ... maybe they um. Can help you. Too?

[There has to be someone here who knows what's going on with her that can help. Right?]

Is - is that... really enough...?

[ She slowly nods. ]

Of course it's enough. What else could be expected from us..?

[ It's what she's been trying to tell herself too - though it's hard. But Melius' case seems even more special. Even if Chizuru is rare, even if she has never really had anyone who she could relate to about what she is, there's no one who really seems to count on her the way people seem to count on Melius.

.. well, other than her father, but that's an entire mess of its own. ]

Or are you saying that I'm not doing enough either by just doing my best..? [ Not that she means to guilt him. But in Chizuru's experience, sometimes flipping things around like this makes them make sense in an entirely new light. If he thinks Chizuru's best is enough, then maybe he can realise his own best is also enough. ]

Edited 2023-05-02 19:51 (UTC)

No!

[He says it so fast and abruptly that he jerks his head up. Almost knocks his omen down from her perch. Which just causes a bunch of angry chattering in dragon speech. He goes still, and lets her get her balance again before he answers more.]

[That's not what he meant at all. He never meant anything bad by her.]

I - I didn't - I didn't mean that. You're - you're doing fine. Great! I mean you're doing great! At everything!

[Oh no, there he goes.]

[ MELIUS, PLEASE...

In hindsight, Chizuru probably should have seen this coming. It's not like she can't steer it in the right direction still, but the girl does wince a little when she realises she accidentally wound her friend up this much.. ]

N-No, that's not what I meant! I know I'm doing okay..

[ Maybe not great. That's Chizuru giving herself a little bit too much credit, and we can't have that. But she can admit to okay, at least.

It's already a big step. ]

I mean, all I'm saying.. [ She pauses, maybe trying to make sure that Melius' poor angry Omen really regained her balance, before continuing. ] If you think I'm doing great at everything by doing my best.. then the same has got to count for you, right?

[ She shows him a thin smile. ]

After all, we're both similar. We're both unlike any of the other people around us, both back home and here.. and we're both doing the best we can.

O-oh. Okay.

[Whew. Saved by... something. By Chizuru being too nice. Too good for this world. He's quiet again, just letting her speak. Letting her take her time to get the words back out.]

[We're both similar]

[But you can't die, and I have the soul of a creature born to dominate humanity - he wants to say. It's different, as far as he can tell. He knows, though, she's trying. She's trying her best to help.]

[Just like she said they were both doing.]

I - I guess so. It just - I don't know. It doesn't feel... the same. I mean - I mean I understand. It makes sense.

But it's - it feels different.

...

[ There's a tiny moment of quiet, but then Chizuru speaks up, carefully asking: ]

How is it different..?

[ Sure, she can think of a lot of reasons herself. It's not like she's asking it since she can't see it, but-- maybe she's asking it exactly because she wants to hear it from him. Because she wants to know how Melius feels about it.

Especially when there's no way he would put these things into words all by himself, as withdrawn and shy as he can be. ]

I... I don't know...

[How does he explain this. Without hurting her feelings. Or insulting her. Neither of those are things he wants to do. Chizuru believes what she's saying. That's obvious, and he's grateful for it.]

But I - you... don't have to worry you'll turn out... to be cruel and dominating. And that - that's - that's good!

[Very good. That's not something he'd want anyone else to go through.]

S-so I ... I worry. Trying... that it's not. Enough. F-for me.

Um, Melius.. [ Her voice trails off.

It's never easy for Chizuru to actually talk about these things, after all. Even after all this time, even with her friends-- it's still hard. Sure, the fact that she can talk about it at all means that she's improving, but it's going slowly.

Still, she realises she really has to say it here. Even if she explained a little bit about herself to him, she never told him the full story, or-- well, more than just one tiny thing.

Which is definitely influencing what he's thinking now, she figures. ]

It's not just.. that I can't die easily, you know? That's not a normal human trait. [ She's not a normal human. ] I'm.. actually a demon.

[ She looks down as she says the word, since it always feels hard to look into people's eyes when she does, but manages to look up at Melius afterwards. ]

Do you know what those are..? Do they have those where you come from?

[ For all Chizuru knows, Melius' world could just be filled with only humans and dragon people.. ]

[... processing.]

[Demons don't really exist as in his world like they do other places. There are creatures very much like them, but by entirely different names. Without the ability to look human, unless they are very, very powerful. Like the Daedric Princes. Dremora... they don't look human.]

[He ends up just staring at her.]

[However, possibly in Chizuru's favor, the look on his face is more like someone who can't figure what they just heard. Or trying to read a diagram in another language.]

[He looks baffled.]

You... a-are a daedra?

[ Thankfully she's a little more used to this sort of reaction right now. Especially since.. well, at least it's not total rejection, right? At least he isn't reacting the way kids were when they found out about her ability when she was much younger - just straight up abandoning her.

Still, Chizuru is aware that Melius is rather.. delicate. She doesn't want to accidentally break something within him. So-- ]

I.. don't know what a daedra is. [ She slowly admits. ] I've never heard that name before. Is that what they call demons where you come from..?

[ Melius' world does seem to have some rather odd words for certain things, after all. ]

Um.

[He reaches up to scratch at the scales on his neck. It's his usual uncertain gesture. Because he's not totally sure how to answer her. The best way would probably be to show her...]

[But he can't really do that.]

S-sort of? Maybe? They - they um. Come from Oblivion. From different parts of it. From different... Daedric Princes.

None - none of them really... look human. Like - like you do.

Oh, um..

[ .. talk about an awkward thing to suddenly have to confess to. Granted, it's mostly awkward since Chizuru herself still feels awkward about it in the first place, biting her lower lip a little before she speaks on. ]

Actually, I.. don't really look human either. Or rather, I'm not.. not supposed to?

[ Look, does this sound confusing? Probably.

But the girl is still trying to figure this all out for herself too, honestly. ]

We just tend to look like this so humans don't notice us..

Edited 2023-05-16 18:33 (UTC)

Oh.

[No, he still looks confused. Then again, that's not really Chizuru's fault. It's embarrassingly easy to confuse him.]

S... so you um. You've. Been disguised? This whole... time?

[How does she do that?]

[ She nods.

Honestly, she's not sure if disguised is the wrong word, but on the other hand, she doesn't want to make this even more complicated to him over something that's technically just a nuance. ]

I.. think I can show you what I'm actually supposed to look like. [ It still isn't easy for her, but she's grown a little bit more into her ability to be able to do that while practicing her blood magic in this place. ] If you want.

[ If he's curious. Or if it'd help his confusion, honestly. ]

I um. What... what is it... like?

[It seems like it's probably a better move to ask first. See if she has a description or something. Maybe if she can give him a rough idea he'll be less likely to freak out.]

[Maybe.]

[Hopefully.]

I - I think. If I know... it - it'd be okay.

[ .. oh. Something about the girl's expression drops a little. Certainly not on purpose, because she wouldn't want Melius to feel bad or anything, but she just can't keep her own emotion from showing up until it's already right there on her face, making her look just a little bit hurt. ]

.. Are you asking because you think you might be scared of me if you saw..?

[ Maybe she should have figured.

Everyone who figured it out back home aside from the main men of the Shinsengumi was always afraid of her, after all. ]

Um... I um.

[He doesn't want to say 'yes'. Because that seems like a bad thing to say. That seems like the wrong thing to say. Like it's going to upset Chizuru even more, and he does not want that.]

[But... he thought it would help.]

I... I just. I think. Maybe. I won't be. So much? I-if I ... know? To expect it?

[If he knows what he's going to be seeing.]

It's.. alright.

[ Though, judging by the way Chizuru speaks so slowly, it's actually not alright. But what else do you expect a girl who's a notorious people-pleaser to say? Of course she's going to say it's alright, even when she's hurting.

Even when she's chewing her lip, her gaze lowering until she's just staring at her folded hands in her lap. ]

I don't have to show you. So.. um, don't worry. I won't put you through that. I-- I know I'm a monster.

[ That's what she's always been, right.

She should have remembered. ]

[He blinks those big ol' eyes. Several times. Like what she just said, once again, does not process.]

N-No? No - that's - that's not. What I meant.

Daedra - they. They aren't. Monsters. They're just - they're different. [A whole different species of people. And some are terrifying, but not dangerous.]

And I... I am afraid of. Everything. S-so you can't judge yourself on that!

text ; un: dovahkiin

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