deernet | text ; un: dovahkiin

[ MELIUS, PLEASE...

In hindsight, Chizuru probably should have seen this coming. It's not like she can't steer it in the right direction still, but the girl does wince a little when she realises she accidentally wound her friend up this much.. ]

N-No, that's not what I meant! I know I'm doing okay..

[ Maybe not great. That's Chizuru giving herself a little bit too much credit, and we can't have that. But she can admit to okay, at least.

It's already a big step. ]

I mean, all I'm saying.. [ She pauses, maybe trying to make sure that Melius' poor angry Omen really regained her balance, before continuing. ] If you think I'm doing great at everything by doing my best.. then the same has got to count for you, right?

[ She shows him a thin smile. ]

After all, we're both similar. We're both unlike any of the other people around us, both back home and here.. and we're both doing the best we can.

O-oh. Okay.

[Whew. Saved by... something. By Chizuru being too nice. Too good for this world. He's quiet again, just letting her speak. Letting her take her time to get the words back out.]

[We're both similar]

[But you can't die, and I have the soul of a creature born to dominate humanity - he wants to say. It's different, as far as he can tell. He knows, though, she's trying. She's trying her best to help.]

[Just like she said they were both doing.]

I - I guess so. It just - I don't know. It doesn't feel... the same. I mean - I mean I understand. It makes sense.

But it's - it feels different.

...

[ There's a tiny moment of quiet, but then Chizuru speaks up, carefully asking: ]

How is it different..?

[ Sure, she can think of a lot of reasons herself. It's not like she's asking it since she can't see it, but-- maybe she's asking it exactly because she wants to hear it from him. Because she wants to know how Melius feels about it.

Especially when there's no way he would put these things into words all by himself, as withdrawn and shy as he can be. ]

I... I don't know...

[How does he explain this. Without hurting her feelings. Or insulting her. Neither of those are things he wants to do. Chizuru believes what she's saying. That's obvious, and he's grateful for it.]

But I - you... don't have to worry you'll turn out... to be cruel and dominating. And that - that's - that's good!

[Very good. That's not something he'd want anyone else to go through.]

S-so I ... I worry. Trying... that it's not. Enough. F-for me.

Um, Melius.. [ Her voice trails off.

It's never easy for Chizuru to actually talk about these things, after all. Even after all this time, even with her friends-- it's still hard. Sure, the fact that she can talk about it at all means that she's improving, but it's going slowly.

Still, she realises she really has to say it here. Even if she explained a little bit about herself to him, she never told him the full story, or-- well, more than just one tiny thing.

Which is definitely influencing what he's thinking now, she figures. ]

It's not just.. that I can't die easily, you know? That's not a normal human trait. [ She's not a normal human. ] I'm.. actually a demon.

[ She looks down as she says the word, since it always feels hard to look into people's eyes when she does, but manages to look up at Melius afterwards. ]

Do you know what those are..? Do they have those where you come from?

[ For all Chizuru knows, Melius' world could just be filled with only humans and dragon people.. ]

[... processing.]

[Demons don't really exist as in his world like they do other places. There are creatures very much like them, but by entirely different names. Without the ability to look human, unless they are very, very powerful. Like the Daedric Princes. Dremora... they don't look human.]

[He ends up just staring at her.]

[However, possibly in Chizuru's favor, the look on his face is more like someone who can't figure what they just heard. Or trying to read a diagram in another language.]

[He looks baffled.]

You... a-are a daedra?

[ Thankfully she's a little more used to this sort of reaction right now. Especially since.. well, at least it's not total rejection, right? At least he isn't reacting the way kids were when they found out about her ability when she was much younger - just straight up abandoning her.

Still, Chizuru is aware that Melius is rather.. delicate. She doesn't want to accidentally break something within him. So-- ]

I.. don't know what a daedra is. [ She slowly admits. ] I've never heard that name before. Is that what they call demons where you come from..?

[ Melius' world does seem to have some rather odd words for certain things, after all. ]

Um.

[He reaches up to scratch at the scales on his neck. It's his usual uncertain gesture. Because he's not totally sure how to answer her. The best way would probably be to show her...]

[But he can't really do that.]

S-sort of? Maybe? They - they um. Come from Oblivion. From different parts of it. From different... Daedric Princes.

None - none of them really... look human. Like - like you do.

Oh, um..

[ .. talk about an awkward thing to suddenly have to confess to. Granted, it's mostly awkward since Chizuru herself still feels awkward about it in the first place, biting her lower lip a little before she speaks on. ]

Actually, I.. don't really look human either. Or rather, I'm not.. not supposed to?

[ Look, does this sound confusing? Probably.

But the girl is still trying to figure this all out for herself too, honestly. ]

We just tend to look like this so humans don't notice us..

Edited 2023-05-16 18:33 (UTC)

Oh.

[No, he still looks confused. Then again, that's not really Chizuru's fault. It's embarrassingly easy to confuse him.]

S... so you um. You've. Been disguised? This whole... time?

[How does she do that?]

[ She nods.

Honestly, she's not sure if disguised is the wrong word, but on the other hand, she doesn't want to make this even more complicated to him over something that's technically just a nuance. ]

I.. think I can show you what I'm actually supposed to look like. [ It still isn't easy for her, but she's grown a little bit more into her ability to be able to do that while practicing her blood magic in this place. ] If you want.

[ If he's curious. Or if it'd help his confusion, honestly. ]

I um. What... what is it... like?

[It seems like it's probably a better move to ask first. See if she has a description or something. Maybe if she can give him a rough idea he'll be less likely to freak out.]

[Maybe.]

[Hopefully.]

I - I think. If I know... it - it'd be okay.

[ .. oh. Something about the girl's expression drops a little. Certainly not on purpose, because she wouldn't want Melius to feel bad or anything, but she just can't keep her own emotion from showing up until it's already right there on her face, making her look just a little bit hurt. ]

.. Are you asking because you think you might be scared of me if you saw..?

[ Maybe she should have figured.

Everyone who figured it out back home aside from the main men of the Shinsengumi was always afraid of her, after all. ]

Um... I um.

[He doesn't want to say 'yes'. Because that seems like a bad thing to say. That seems like the wrong thing to say. Like it's going to upset Chizuru even more, and he does not want that.]

[But... he thought it would help.]

I... I just. I think. Maybe. I won't be. So much? I-if I ... know? To expect it?

[If he knows what he's going to be seeing.]

It's.. alright.

[ Though, judging by the way Chizuru speaks so slowly, it's actually not alright. But what else do you expect a girl who's a notorious people-pleaser to say? Of course she's going to say it's alright, even when she's hurting.

Even when she's chewing her lip, her gaze lowering until she's just staring at her folded hands in her lap. ]

I don't have to show you. So.. um, don't worry. I won't put you through that. I-- I know I'm a monster.

[ That's what she's always been, right.

She should have remembered. ]

[He blinks those big ol' eyes. Several times. Like what she just said, once again, does not process.]

N-No? No - that's - that's not. What I meant.

Daedra - they. They aren't. Monsters. They're just - they're different. [A whole different species of people. And some are terrifying, but not dangerous.]

And I... I am afraid of. Everything. S-so you can't judge yourself on that!

[ Chizuru at least does believe Melius - which means she also believes him when he says that those people he was talking about aren't monsters. (Even if it's hard to believe, given how everyone treats demons where Chizuru comes from.)

But the last part.. that's a little harder. Maybe he's just saying it because he doesn't want her to feel bad? That's something friends would do, after all.

She looks up and over at him, but there's something shy about it, something tentative, like a scared animal. ]

But you're not afraid of me the way I am now.

I... I was...

[That's embarrassing to admit. Really embarrassing. But - it might help.]

I'm - I'm scared... of everyone. And - and I don't - know how to stop. I'm not... not scared now. Be-because I know you.

[People make him nervous. All people. Even the people he's most familiar with. It's definitely a Melius problem, and not a Chizuru problem. He would hate for her to think otherwise, just because of him.]

But..

[ At least she doesn't seem too surprised by what he's admitting here. Chizuru knows what it's like to be scared, so it's not like she's ever going to judge anyone over it - even if they may be scared a little bit more than most.

But that's just what Melius is like.

No, rather than protesting that, she says-- ]

It.. would still be me, right? [ She doesn't sound too certain about that, mind you. She's trying to say it as a statement, but somewhere along the line it gets a little twisted all the same.. It's something she's been struggling with herself, especially when she had such little time or opportunity to think about her new identity back home. ] Even if I'd look different.. It would still be me. Chizuru.

I... y-yes. Yes...

[He fidgets a bit more, really not sure how to put this into words. It would still be Chizuru absolutely. But he's worried. He's afraid his reaction is going to be off-putting to her. He'll know it's her. But his reaction...]

[Melius' reaction to new things is fear.]

But I - I don't - want to upset you. If - if it startles me. S-so that's um. That's why. I asked.

What you looked like.

[ One of Chizuru's nails scratches at her skin - but not hard enough to actually hurt. It's more a light, idle gesture, like her nerves translate to little ways of fretting like that. ]

I just look.. mostly still like me. [ She likes to think so, anyway.

But sometimes when she gets really anxious, it's easy to worry that maybe she doesn't look a thing like herself in that form. ]

My hair and eyes change colour. And I grow horns, like-- like you.

Oh.

[He blinks again. And again. And scratches at his own scales. They both have itching tics, apparently.] Um. That's - that's not.

That's not bad. At all.

[Really, he was expecting so much worse. Like being on fire, or made of lightning. That kind of thing.]

Do you think you could handle that..?

[ He is saying it's not bad at all, but.. you know, it can't hurt to ask this again just to make sure, right? The last thing she wants is for him to be scared after all.

She isn't too sure if she could handle a friend looking at her like that. Not after everything. ]

I'm.. um, I'm not even sure I can change into that form, it's still hard for me.. But I could try.

... yes.

[He doesn't sound as nervous as usual when he says that. He sounds sure of himself?]

Because - because that isn't like Dremora. Or Daedra. That. That still... sounds like Chizuru.

[Impeccable logic here!]

[ Hey, that is logic that clearly can't be denied.

It's why Chizuru doesn't respond to it with words. Instead she just nods, and then closes her eyes - looking very much like she's focusing. She's found that it's a little easier with the kind of blood she's got in this place compared to back home, but it still takes quite some effort on her part to consciously shift appearances. If not just because she isn't used to doing so.

But after inhaling and exhaling a few times, her appearance slowly starts to shift. Her hair shifts from its usual dark shade of brown to a pure white, and small stubby horns grow out of her forehead.

When she slowly opens her eyes again, they're a bright golden colour, seeming to glow entirely by themselves.

Chizuru doesn't say anything, even when her eyes are open again and she stares at Melius - almost like she's too worried or too embarrassed to be the one to speak up first here in this situation. ]

text ; un: dovahkiin

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