002 // text; username: grollschwert

[hauntedsavior]

cw: chronic illness, ruminations on death

Fun one for you tonight.

[this message comes in the middle of the night, when no one in their right mind should be awake. but that's never stopped anna. she can't sleep, and if flynn and ruby and everybody are right then she has to at least try not to keep this stuff inside her at all times. sorrow's silence we needn't bear, or whatever.]

You know a girl. Her body is breaking down and her meds are failing her.
She has years left. Maybe months, if it gets worse.
But something happens, and she gets access to amazing new technology. Things that prevent her body from attacking itself.
Things that stop her timer from ticking faster than everyone else's.
Great, right?
You get to know her better. You entertain her little crush on you. Maybe you like her back a little and maybe things aren't gonna be so bad.

But one day, you do something.
Something that sets off a chain of events that you couldn't have predicted. Not in a million years.
Small things collide into medium things collide into big huge massive things.
And after the butterfly version of you is done flapping its wings, she doesn't have access to that technology anymore.
She's back on the timer.

She doesn't know you did anything.
She never finds out.
You can't bring yourself to tell her, and she wouldn't believe it if you did.

She barely recognizes you anymore, by the end of it.
Her family finds your name on her phone and invites you to pay respects.

Do you still go to her funeral?

Did you kill her?

Comments

[hauntedsavior]

[this feels like such a basic, obvious thing. she's been around the block before. she knows isolation doesn't work but she's never been isolated quite like this. anna would be mortified to need to hear this, if she weren't basically outright asking for help from one of the people here who she least expected to get along with.]

[she doesn't reply immediately. because she's busy sending a message out to ruby instead. because even if she's inside her own idiot head right now, she can understand what's going on between ange's lines.]

So it's proven to be a bullshit method of handling things. Got it.

Your girlfriend helps?

[entreats]

Yeah.

[ At least that's something she doesn't mind sharing. Because it's obvious, mostly. Ange wouldn't be Ruby's girlfriend if it didn't make her incredibly happy, and even aside from that, she's pretty sure Ruby objectively comes across as someone who is just.. way too friendly.

Anna could use a bit of that, Ange thinks. Probably. ]

It's not just her though. Please realise the huge sacrifice I'm making for you by saying something this embarrassing so publically. [ Please, Anna. Please understand.

This is so embarrassing. ]

But I have so many friends in this place. It's honestly kind of dumb just how many. It's not healthy for an introvert like me. But on the other hand, they also make me stupidly happy.

And yeah, it sucks when you let someone get close and then that someone leaves. It happened to me earlier this month, and it sucks. It hurts so much. I hate it.

But at least it means you have a lot to fall back on when that pain does start to hit you, rather than just letting it cast you into some abyss you have to endure all by yourself.

Because we all know where that abyss leads to.

[hauntedsavior]

You didn't have to say all that.

[she types it out there, but internally she's glad that ange did. because of how similar they are, down to their vulnerabilities. maybe it isn't such a surprise. people like them recognize people like them.]

Also it's the middle of the night and about 25 people replied to this. Doubt you're putting yourself at much risk getting open like this.

Already feeling like I've got one foot out of the abyss just talking to you.

Thanks for taking the risk in the first place.

[entreats]

[ Please, this could be an entirely private, screened conversation and Ange would still be paranoid that someone might accidentally see it after all.

But she tries to put the thought that someone might be reading this conversation along out of her head for now. As well as she can. Especially when she reads the last part of what Anna says - the words that make saying embarrassing stuff like that all worth it. As long as it can help the other.. ]

Just come over when you feel particularly bad. Even if it's in the middle of the night again or whatever. Take the opportunity to not be totally by yourself when you need it.

I can't promise Ruby won't say stuff that's sappy enough to make you cringe though.

[ But at least it'd mean Anna would have instant company from two people. ]

[hauntedsavior]

Can't make promises.
But I'll try.

I'm almost looking forward to the cringe.
I asked her to hang out sometime soon, so maybe I'll see it sooner rather than later.

[she is. not not looking forward to this. it could be fun. she's just not thinking about how much fun it might or might not be right now, immediately.]

[entreats]

Good job.

[ Ange is really hoping this isn't coming across as patronizing here - especially since it's so hard to control your tone through text, and when Ange's default tone even while not texting is so deadpan to begin with.

She means this, after all. Ange knows exactly how hard it can be to reach out when you're feeling your lowest. ]

Do you think you're going to be alright tonight? [ After having gotten all of this out, and after having spoken with so many people. ]

[hauntedsavior]

[if anna didn't know ange at all, it would be condescending. but that's not the case, and she gets the intended read off it. she presses her hand to her chest to comfort herself and, in the moment, it feels a little less hollow.]

[the moon is starting its slow arc downward.]

Don't think I'll be getting back to sleep tonight,
But I think I'll be okay for the rest of it.
Thanks for kicking my ass.

[entreats]

[ That's the important part. That Anna might be okay eventually. Maybe not right now, maybe right now it's just bearable - but it'll have to do.

Ange chooses to believe in the other's words, at the very least. Enough so to not keep worrying after she'd put away her Omni. ]

No problem. I'm always available for ass kicking. It's my speciality.

[ No, it isn't, Ange. Please. ]

I could use some more sleep right now. But I'm sure we'll talk again soon. [ Because Ange is also planning on making sure Anna isn't alone, if she can help it at all.

She'll just.. have to find some way to be subtle about it, otherwise it'll be majorly embarrassing. ]

[hauntedsavior]

Looking forward to it.

[and then, maybe by act of god or maybe just because she's worried, she adds something else. a sincere plea phrased like a throwaway pleasantry.]

Stay alive.