text | timaeusTestified | Coming Out

[givehead]

CWs for entire post/threads within: Discussion of sexual orientation, queerness, discrimination against LGBTQ+, homophobia, transphobia, gender identity, themes of coming out etc.

Coming out is such a fuckin' scam.

There's always someone who has to hear this but damn, don't let anyone guilt you into that shit. You don't have to explain any part of your identity to anyone. Not your friends, not your family, not your significant other. Fuckin' nobody. It's your identity. Yours. Not theirs.

And for the record? Don't sweat it so much if you can't figure it out. Sexuality and romantic attraction and gender identity don't need to be forced into some convenient description you found online. It's fine if you haven't found the right word for it. Language is, oftentimes, limiting to the full expression of our existence.

That shit is so fluid most people be wasting their whole life feeling worried about it because everyone around them goes on and on about how they figured their shit out. Like cool, whatever, congrats for them, but trust me, you're not less valid or whatever just because you ain't got a flag to hang yet. It's fine if you never figure it out. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

It's okay to be confused for a long time and it's fine to want to figure out how to fix that, but like, seriously, a lot of that confusion does come from comparing yourself to other people and their own experiences.

Whatever. I'm making this whole post private in case anyone has questions or would like to talk.

Consider this April's sex education lesson. I'm simplifying things, obviously, but the point is to open the discussion. So. Discussion Opened.

Rules of Engagement:

1. You don't get to ask me who else is responding to this post or what they are saying. I will shove my foot so far up your ass all you'll taste for the rest of your life will be dirt.

2. You are allowed to ask me about my own shit, but I'm allowed to decline to answer if I get a weird vibe from you.

3. Feel free to go anonymous. I won't pry.

4. Do not force yourself to discuss things you are not ready to discuss. I'm not going to beg you for dirty deetz so if you're not ready, then maybe tab the conversation for later.

5. Judgement-free zone. I have been on every sketchy part of the web and am completely desensitized. Imagine a thousand-yard stare but instead of war-torn countrysides, I'm just seeing thousands of years' worth of explicit Sonic x Knuckles fanart. Which, okay, actually, dope ship. Bad example. But you get my meaning.

Comments

[slayerskiss]

Yeah, see. Apparently vampires are super chill about it too? Like, they're all about not putting a filter on desire and all that shit. So it means they're basically all evil by default, cuz in the same way we might want to have a snack they want to crack a person open and drink 'em, but also super sexually liberated?? The serial killer boyfriend in question was a vampire, and back when he was evil he had a whole group. Like... uhh, what's the word for when a relationship has a bunch of people in it?

Oh yeah, she was fucking crazy. It's why I liked her. She was like... cute, sweet, pretty, hot, funny but also? She got off on the thrill of the hunt just as much as I did, she just liked to pretend otherwise. It was fun to tease her about it. Watch her go bright red.

I think the difference between me and her boyfriend was that her boyfriend didn't make her look at herself and be scared of what she sees? Like, they're about as different as different can be. And even though her boyfriend wasn't the prince charming she pretended she was, he had a neat excuse that she could use for him that he never even agreed with. Most of the bad stuff he did was when he had no soul, so when he had a soul he was a totally different person. His take was more that when he had a soul he had reasons to want to be better, while when he had no soul those reasons just completely disappeared and he embraced his worst self.

While with me it was like looking at all her flaws mirrored inward, y'know? So she was scared of me because she could've become me under the right circumstances. She liked me. She wanted to help me. Pitied me. Those were the things she was comfortable showing in public.

I did end up confirming those fears when I tried to kill her boyfriend. Twice. Uh, three times actually wow. He was very chill about it. Let me crash at his place and got me doughnuts, tried to shelter me from a nationwide manhunt. Pretty cool of him.

I mean, I think I knew all along how unhealthy it all was. I wasn't exactly known for healthy long-term choices. More just empty thrills and pleasures. It's not like I really had any future prospects before I was called for the Slayer stuff.

[Why doesn't she think she should be in a relationship.... Oh boy.]

I get possessive and cruel, lash out wildly when I'm angry, and I'm angry a lot, and I dwell on the things that bother me till they boil over into resentment. So. Not exactly relationship material. It's fine, though. Maybe someday.



...I mean, I won't lie I was pretty sure everyone thought women were hotter before arriving here. Well, I had a friend for a while who was gay and he didn't. So I guess I just thought all women thought that way? A bunch of straight girls said as much when I was in the throes of catholic school.

That sounds really stupid when I say it out loud, huh. God. This is sort of what I mean when I say other people's hangups got in my head.

[givehead]

That makes sense. It seems like immortal-type beings usually would be chiller about sexual differences. You get jaded after a while, I bet.

Polyamory I believe is what you are referring to. Polygamy if it's marriage.

Okay, actually, I get that. There is an appeal to Fucking Crazy. I'm fucking crazy and I'm pretty sure it's at least 20% of my sex appeal. She sounds like a cute girl. Granted, my perspective of cute girls is limited, but you feel me.

That's kind of sad. Classic abuse shit right there. Getting her hooked on the kind of person he could be under certain circumstances and then BAM. Evil motherfucker every other day.

I guess everyone is more complex than their surface values. No one is truly 100% evil or good, and I guess he's one of 'em. Makes it more complicated. You're probably right that she was anxious of the reality she saw in you. People hate the truth and a lot of homophobia does seem to come from people recognizing that part of themself in someone else and being afraid of it.

(They.........are literally the same person aren't they wow okay. He's glad this is already on private.

He takes a few minutes to reply. This subject was always...delicate to him.)

I feel the same way. I'm in a relationship now, and I like it, but I'm always afraid I'll fuck it up with my batshit crazy self. I get possessive and nasty and manipulative and needy and demanding. It's fucked. I'm a self-centered bastard who wants all the attention on me. I'm just like you - hold onto things for fucking ever past the point of rationale. I legit tried to kill a bitch for kissing my ex once.

I think you could swing it. I mean. I get it. I get the reservation, but if my psychotic ass can find someone, then your psychotic ass can find someone too.

(There are probably nicer ways he could have said that but he's just keeping it real.)

Actually yeah I get that. I didn't realize I was all that different either til I met my first guy friend and he was obsessed with chicks and I was like what am I missing here.

Damn. RIP you - fuck. I've heard horror stories of what damage Catholic schools have done on queers.

Nah, you're fine. Ain't nothing stupid about it.

cw for suicide by cop/murder suicide mention, institutional homophobia and abuse

[slayerskiss]

Yeah. I mean, I can't crticize him too much considering the shit I put her through, but it was a whole mess. I wanted him dead for a long time. Tried to even take him down with me twice. Not sure how much of that was just anger born of jealousy and how much of it was anger born of uh... anger, at the self righteous hypocrisy of it all. Buffy covered for him against her friends who saw him go bad and went through him trying to kill them all, and apparently succeeding on killing one of the former members of their little scooby gang.

We kill vampires to protect people from them, it's what we do, but it's different whenever she says it is. I think even the glamourized image she had of him was just 'cuz she couldn't deal with the idea that the same guy she was sooo deeply in love with could turn into a manipulative and cruel psychopath if he lost his sense of guilt. Plus she really wanted there to be some huge difference between killing vamps and killing people. There's not really, speaking as someone who's killed both.

She was batshit crazy, tough as nails, pampered and spoiled, and fragile as a porceline doll. Weird mix. Still wish she'd chosen me. They broke up after she put me in a coma to save him. Apparently he felt like he was holding her back and causing more harm than good. But when I woke up she was with a new generic looking college boy. That stung.

[She considers it for a moment, what he's saying about relationships. And the thing is, she's sure she could enter a relationship physically. Most of the people she screws want more from her, she just doesn't let them have that power over her. Who would she even date here, who could she trust? Even one of her hookups turned out to be a wildly terrible decision.

It wouldn't be fair for her to enter into something while thinking about Buffy the whole time.]

IDK man. I'm happy for you, but I don't think I could go through all that again. I'm not trusting enough, I guess. This is already a lot for me, the last time I talked about my "feelings" this much I had it forced out of me. Which isn't saying much considering it's Trench, but. I'm fine as is. At least for now.

Well, they expelled me for beating the shit out of one of my friend's bullies. Course the friend cut me off too because I was ~scary~ and ~hurting his manly pride~ by saving his scrawny ass. Men are wimps. The principal also said I'm rotten inside and I bring everything bad that happens to me down on myself because I'm just one of God's least favourite children or some shit.

As if that deadbeat motherfucker can talk, even if it was true.

...In retrospect that might have been a homophobe thing??? I just thought he was calling me a slut at the time. [She also kind of just assumed it was true, despite her general spite for her catholic upbringing. Only she could become the prophecized saviour of the world and still end up fucking it all up.]