text | timaeusTestified | Coming Out

[givehead]

CWs for entire post/threads within: Discussion of sexual orientation, queerness, discrimination against LGBTQ+, homophobia, transphobia, gender identity, themes of coming out etc.

Coming out is such a fuckin' scam.

There's always someone who has to hear this but damn, don't let anyone guilt you into that shit. You don't have to explain any part of your identity to anyone. Not your friends, not your family, not your significant other. Fuckin' nobody. It's your identity. Yours. Not theirs.

And for the record? Don't sweat it so much if you can't figure it out. Sexuality and romantic attraction and gender identity don't need to be forced into some convenient description you found online. It's fine if you haven't found the right word for it. Language is, oftentimes, limiting to the full expression of our existence.

That shit is so fluid most people be wasting their whole life feeling worried about it because everyone around them goes on and on about how they figured their shit out. Like cool, whatever, congrats for them, but trust me, you're not less valid or whatever just because you ain't got a flag to hang yet. It's fine if you never figure it out. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

It's okay to be confused for a long time and it's fine to want to figure out how to fix that, but like, seriously, a lot of that confusion does come from comparing yourself to other people and their own experiences.

Whatever. I'm making this whole post private in case anyone has questions or would like to talk.

Consider this April's sex education lesson. I'm simplifying things, obviously, but the point is to open the discussion. So. Discussion Opened.

Rules of Engagement:

1. You don't get to ask me who else is responding to this post or what they are saying. I will shove my foot so far up your ass all you'll taste for the rest of your life will be dirt.

2. You are allowed to ask me about my own shit, but I'm allowed to decline to answer if I get a weird vibe from you.

3. Feel free to go anonymous. I won't pry.

4. Do not force yourself to discuss things you are not ready to discuss. I'm not going to beg you for dirty deetz so if you're not ready, then maybe tab the conversation for later.

5. Judgement-free zone. I have been on every sketchy part of the web and am completely desensitized. Imagine a thousand-yard stare but instead of war-torn countrysides, I'm just seeing thousands of years' worth of explicit Sonic x Knuckles fanart. Which, okay, actually, dope ship. Bad example. But you get my meaning.

Comments

[obeir]

Why do you feel bad? It's okay to feel how you feel, to be who you are. I understand. Not like I'm ever going to take issue with you not being attracted to women. Just means fewer people I have to worry about being better for you or more attractive to you than I am. I'd say that's a joke, but. Well.

[ Unfortunately it's a real worry for him, too. ]

Though if this place ever alters my sex the way I've heard can happen... I'm not sure what we'd do. I still wouldn't expect you to be physically attracted to me though.

May I ask how you're feeling on the relationship front? How you're feeling about being in a relationship with me, specifically. Since you woke up, I've been feeling... It's hard to put into words. I sort of worry you may view me as more of a good friend than a full romantic partner you'd like to build a life with? Was it okay that I stayed with you and Lil D and took care of your house the way I did? Or did it bother you? I guess I might need some reassurances myself, if that's okay.

You thinking of me as an android first does make me feel better.

I'm glad they're receptive. And I agree that these are things a lot of people could probably stand to hear and learn more about. You're doing good.

Of course. I'd very much like to respectfully appreciate your efforts in all sorts of ways. Especially if it can involve cuddling.

[ Because some physical affection honestly sounds really good right about now. As his request for reassurance probably made embarrassingly obvious. ]

[givehead]

I don't know. My best friend from home, Roxy, was a chick and she had a huge crush on me. She was the last human girl, I think I told you about her before. I always felt so shitty I couldn't return her feelings. Like, I cared a lot about her, and I knew how lonely she was, but it felt unfair to even try to lie to her. Unfair to her, to me. But I still felt bad. I guess I would feel bad if the same ever had to happen to you too.

It sometimes feels annoying that I'm caught up on arbitrary things but when I think about actually being with a woman, I dunno. It doesn't disgust me? Women are beautiful, obviously, and I do love them deeply, but it just makes me feel...cold and uncomfortable in a way nothing else really does. I guess I find it frustrating that I can't change this one part of myself that feels like it should be simple to change.

Like, damn, if I was the hottest dude left on earth she was the hottest chick left on earth so it woulda been a match in heaven, right? But shit just didn't work out. I guess when they clone us they can't exactly predict who we're gonna want to fuck.

Sorry, I just went on a full ass ramble there, didn't I?

Let's not worry about things like that, honestly. If it happens, it happens, and we will figure it out if it does. But it's like trying to worry about what happens if one of us dies or turns into a monster or something. We'll take it one step at a time. I wouldn't immediately abandon you or anything.

I like it. It is weird to me, but I also am unfamiliar with interpersonal relationships in person in general, if I'm being real with you. Even after my friends and I met up in person, I mostly kept to myself. I think I might have some sort of disconnect with how I'm supposed to act around people or in relationships, so maybe, I don't know...Maybe that's what you're feeling? I feel like I might not be emotionally available enough to be someone you'll be happy with but I have zero ability to assess that properly - so you'll have to tell me.

As far as how I feel? I like it. You make me feel wanted and cared for and it's strange and new, but I like it. I see you as a romantic partner. I sure as fuck would not let down so many walls with you if I just saw you as a friend. I appreciated it, yeah. It surprised me, but more just because I wasn't expecting you to stick around for that? I felt-. It felt like my absence meant something, I guess. It's cute having you be around.

It's okay. If you ever do, I don't mind giving them. I love what we have. I'm sorry if I'm a little shaky with it.

Kinda funny you mention the house stuff because I was going to say you should move some of your clothes over or something. If it's all the same, I think Lil D really likes having you over and I'm kinda getting used to it so...like. It'd be cool if you were here more often.

Thank you. I'm trying to think of other topics people might benefit from learning about in the future.

Cuddling and making out. (Because now that they can do that, Dirk is going to be a leech. He didn't care if it didn't go further than that, he was in a clingy mood too.)

[obeir]

I'm not sure I understand. You wish you were heterosexual? Even if that means giving up [ Me, he types, but backspaces. ] everything you have now, just so you could've made Roxy happy?

I don't know if you need to hear this, but none of that was your fault, it isn't as though you can choose or control those sorts of things. I'm sorry you're still carrying such heavy guilt over it though. It sounds very difficult. If she was really your best friend I don't think she would've held it against you, and probably wouldn't want you to cling to so much guilt and make yourself miserable on her behalf. A good friend wouldn't. If the situations were reversed, how would you feel knowing she carries that level of guilt about things she can't change?

[ It's a lot to process. Would Dirk rather be with Roxy right now if he could feel attracted to her...? Would he rather be with women in general if the romantic attraction was there? In a weird, sad way, K can suddenly understand even better now how Jake must have made Dirk feel; he's feeling something of it himself. ]

Yeah. One step at a time. It's okay. I know things would be over if I were permanently changed in that way, but I appreciate that you wouldn't immediately jump ship over something I'd have no control over. I also doubt permanent changes like that can even happen, at least not accidentally. If it were temporary, I kind of hope you wouldn't ditch me. Same for death or beasthood, since they're only temporary states from what I understand. I wouldn't abandon you, either.

Thank you for answering my questions. You're probably right that that's what I'm feeling and why, but I'm happy that you do view me as a romantic partner. I like what we have and how you make me feel too. It really does help to be explicitly told these things sometimes, and to actually verbalise feelings. And of course your absence mattered, you were very missed. I'm just glad you came back to me.

And here I was going to suggest Lil D should come live with me.

I'm kidding. But you're serious? You'd be comfortable with that? I think it would be really nice to spend more time together. [ Presumably spending more nights together, too, but just to make sure: ] Do you like sharing a bed with me?

[ It's hard not reading too much into it. Because that sure sounds like Dirk does want to build more of a life together. One step at a time. And maybe, hopefully, those feelings of guilt can be resolved somewhere along the way... ]

[givehead]

Nah. I don't really feel that way anymore. When I was thirteen to sixteen it just felt so prevalent to everything. It's more of a rhetorical regret more than anything.

I don't think I would want to be straight. Maybe someone who could be interested in people regardless of their gender identity or genitals. Sometimes I think about what would it mean if Roxy were a guy and I realize that it doesn't just have to do with gender stuff. I love dudes, like, for real, but I don't think I could just fall for ANY guy just because he meets the base requirements.

I think you're right. She never seemed to hold it against me. I think I'm just hung up on dumb shit like that because I like the idea of controlling everything in my life, but that's always been a part of my own life I can't control. It's more about the principle of the matter.

Yeah, I ain't interested in bowing out just 'cause shit gets rough for a while. That's just life. I'm sturdy and can handle whatever.

I missed you too. Even though I wasn't conscious, I feel like my soul is always aware and it felt like coming home when I realized you were around. Although I can't believe you had to see my hair like that. RIP.

He probably would. He loves you.

(Whiiiiich is probably a little more telling than Dirk intended but whatever! Ignoring that!)

Yeah, man. Wouldn't offer if I wasn't serious. I don't want to like. Overwhelm you with my existence, but I'm kinda clingy too and I would like to have you around way more often. Even if we're both just doing our own thing, I kinda dig the idea of just being able to look up and see you across the room or something.

Yeah. I do. It's really comfortable. I feel safer too while I'm occupying my Dream Splint since I know my physical body is with someone I can trust. So that's nice.

[obeir]

Even as a rhetorical regret, it's okay to feel however you feel. I never want to invalidate your feelings. And I think I understand better now what you meant. Especially about the control — I know you've explained that before. It makes sense. I can understand how that would add an additional layer of frustration for you on top of everything else.

I'm glad you and Roxy had each other though. I'm glad you had such a good friend, even if aspects of your friendship were complicated. You're a good friend, you know. I can say that from personal experience. And for entirely selfish reasons it's good to know you wouldn't fall for just any man who can meet the base requirements... [ Damn does he want to inquire a little more deeply about that, but also worries about what Dirk's answers could be. ]

I'm happy we're in agreement about not bailing when things may get rough. We've already weathered some pretty heavy situations together, I think we're doing good.

What an incredibly romantic thing to say. It felt like coming home. I'm touched.

[ More than touched — that's the kind of sentimental stuff K lives for. Between that, what Dirk says about Lil D, and the open invitation to spend more time not only with him but sharing his living space... yeah, K's one happy robo right now. Dirk is better at relationship things than he gives himself credit for sometimes. ]

I liked washing your hair for you.

Does he? I think he loves the stories I read him. [ But K sure is smiling at being told that. ] Is it weird that I think we... kind of feel like a family? I know Lil D is your splint, but... [ But he's still more than that to K, while simultaneously being important to him because he's a part of Dirk. ]

You're not going to overwhelm me when I want this, too. But I get what you mean. I haven't wanted to overwhelm you or scare you off with the domesticity, but I do enjoy it with you and I think this sounds pretty perfect. Together even when we're doing our own things.

Oh, and there is that. I hate the thought of your physical body being left vulnerable in this place. I'll take care of you. Though fair warning I could steal a kiss when you're occupying your Dream Splint.