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video | un: sharpshooter (forward-dated a few days) [CW: NSFW?]

[The video opens to Lance with cat ears (again), a tail swishes behind him. There's the sound of painful squelching as Keith off screen goes through some more gruesome transforming and he winces, looking over at him. It seems to have been mild this time at least, and Lance goes for the rambling jokes because that's how you deal with someone you care about going through that, right?]

Okay, soooo who here's never done the horizontal tango? Made the beast with two backs, knocked some boots, jumped some bones- [there is the sound of shifting of bone and he hums, rethinking] Forget that last one, but by now if you don't know what I mean, here's a few more for you: a little afternoon delight-

[Keith groaned a bit, his teeth audibly clenched as he scolded a, "LANCE!" from the background, though that didn't seem to deter the Blue Paladin from continuing.]

-pounded the punani pavement, shook the sheets, the old in-out, shot the meat rocket into the sausage hole, bam-bam in the ham, rolled in the hay, boppin' squiddles, cattle-prodding the oyster ditch with the lap rocket. Fucking hell, made whoopee!

Seriously, I could keep going, but if your answer is 'never done that, what are you even talking about', some guy in Gaze told me your blood cures this whole- [he gestures at himself and then glances off camera at the sound of a grunt from Keith.] mess. Noooot that I wanna cure myself, I can take it, but some people I know need it and aren't gonna ask because their heads are nothing but dumb hair and no brains.

[A bit of an unhinged laugh to himself/some internal conversation as he looks down and to the side. There's a growl from the background, possibly from Keith? (Definitely from Keith.) Then he jerks himself back.] Yeah, anyway, if you fit the bill call me before my idiot b-teammate turns into something that eats my face. I'm too pretty for that.

[There may have been a time when Lance knew virgin blood was blood that hadn't been used in a ritual, but the draugr's fucked with his already recently fucked memory. So enjoy.]

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[ He already has a headache and regrets daring to reply to this. ]

What the hell are you talking about?

[ .... 'knocked some boots'—? 'boppin' squiddles'—? 'cattle-prodding the oyster ditch with the lap rocket....?!

What is this utter nonsense—?! She's already cranky, without all of... this. ]

... What does any of that mean—?

Edited 2022-10-06 01:42 (UTC)

I think you're going to have to come up with more terms to make this clear for people, Lance.

[She is 100% trolling this. She wants to see how many phrases he can come up with.]

[if you weren't going to do it this one might have, so she will just park herself here and---no, wait, she is going to encourage it.]

Yeah, I'm with Tory. I can't quite make out what you're trying to get at here.

It's so ambiguous. I mean, he could be talking about anything.

Yeah, like, how do I even know if I could help, here? Doesn't everyone shake out their sheets when they make a bed? Hell, I've seen things turn into beasts with five backs, so I'm just gonna need more to go on.

[vi: who is wheezing the moment she stops replying because it's hard to hold in the laughing during that.]

Yeah, and there's necromancers here. Like, that's what I think of when I think of bones. I'd imagine necromancer obstacle courses or something.

[She's trying so hard not to crack up here.]

[A flat look, Sasuke. A flat look.]

Well, Sausage. I mean getting your bone honed, doing the nasty… didn't Sakura ever have "the talk" with you?

[Hmmm… either she's too british or too virginal. Think, Lance! What are some british ones?]

Uh… does "shagging" ring a bell?

Edited 2022-10-06 02:25 (UTC)

Yeah, yeah! Maybe it's a ritual, it's not like this place ain't chock full of those. Maybe jumping over them ...or on the bones breaks the curse of cat ears? Come to think of it isn't the Oyster Ditch that bar in Willful Machine? No, no ...that's the Sausage Hol--

[can't do it. had to cut the recording. explosion of laughs. but seriously ...are they okay? those noises are ...something.]

[He squints, leaning in and then places a hand to his chin.] Okay, one: I know you from somewhere? Two… is that a challenge?

Yeah, and doesn't pounding the pavement just refer to applying for jobs?

Uhh, it's punani pavement. Don't insult the language of my people.

I train at Sasuke's dojo. And yeah, challenge issued. We have people from so many different worlds here. You're going to have to be extra clear.

[ She's Irish, but also no one would speak of any of this sort of thing around her. Ever. It's likely the word might have been something overheard once many years ago but Luna certainly wouldn't have the context for it. Shagging? What, does he mean 'snogging'? Luna pinches her brow, irritated. ]

Please speak plainly, for the love of Merlin.

[Feigning innocence.]

Oh, is that a special pavement from your world? Is there any cultural significance to it?

You know, you're right. Pounding the pavement, beating meat--- [ahem.] I mean feet. Feet.

[she definitely said feet. it was just all that ham, sausage, meat rocket talk.]

Also: a rocket made of meat sounds like a super weird food challenge.

( Peter has yet to comment on this travesty, because Peter has no idea how, but from deep in his room he is frozen in place watching this happen in real-time and he is......... extremely stressed.

LUNA NO....... Please, this is one puzzle that even you don't need to figure out..... )

[He can't resist a challenge, and it shows on the way his face shifts. But he's also a paleblood and prone to irritability this month so it's especially recalcitrant!]

Well! Challenge accepted! [He starts counting off on his fingers as he lists, looking up and to the side as he mentally goes down it.] Bumping uglies, the four-legged fox-trot, paddling up coochie creek, smashing buttflaps, squat-jumping in the cucumber patch…

[ SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING ON ABOUT, PETER. THIS IS VERY INFURIATING. SHE WILL KNOW. SHE WILL HAVE ANSWERS. ]

Buttflaps as in those onesie pajamas? Why would you smash those?

[Trying so hard to keep a straight face through all of this.]

Yeah, people made some pretty amazing stuff at the paleblood bakeoff. I'm sure people could do arts and crafts with meat as a competition.

Aye, es una papaya, chica.

[He grins mischievously. Papaya does not always mean the fruit in Cuba, where he's from.]

Oh, it's just another term for papaya? So is it a delicacy?

[Thank goodness for working customer service jobs. It's bolstered her bullshitting skills tremendously.]

Sasuke. Sakura has had a lot of talks with me and none of them would even begin to make what you’re saying make sense.

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