Video; UN: Spider-Man

[quipsandthwips]

Hey, everyone! Spider-Man here — AKA your favorite Peter! Sorry to all the other Peters, but them's just the breaks. I've worked too hard the last three years around here to not get top-billed spot as Peter! ... Alright, alright, maybe I'll share with Peter Graham. But only because he's as old and tired as me. We're like a thousand years old in spirit, right? Right. The Peter Pack old boys.

Anyway, I used to give people informational packets, back when we lived in, uh... Deerington. You know, in Maine? You remember that old chestnut? Yeah, me too. Lucky me, my house and lab came with me! A little less furbished, but I do what I can. I'll be starting up my new job as a teacher here at the school soon, because old habits die hard, but I suppose I don't mind doing some teaching outside of the school, too, sooooo...

If you wanna know anything about the world that existed before Trench, I can answer questions as best I can. You guys all deserve that. And, uh. If it helps — I've attached a copy of the PPPP(S). Yup, that's right! The original! The O.G., as the hip kids call it.

[FILE ATTACHED.]

Super sorry if anything's confusing; I can fill out any of the weird blanks or things that don't quite make sense. And for everyone who doesn't need this info because they swam their little squid tuckuses behind me.... Hey! How's it going! Tell me a good joke, if you've got one. Let me know how you're settling while you're at it. I've been pretty good, personally. Lots of fighting, y'know. Creepy monsters away from the outskirts of town.

So basically nothing's changed.

Well, nothing other than the month, I guess! Wow, wait, is it already a new month? Can't believe...

[He trails off, and seems to realize, belatedly, loudly, and with great concern:]



OH NO, NOT OCTOBER!

Comments

[survivalthroughhate]

No.

[Yep, that's it, a one-word answer. Maul has all the social skills of someone raised by spinewolves and so he's really not discovered the benefit to getting along with people yet.]

[quipsandthwips]

... No you didn't enjoy being cut in half?

Or no, it didn't occur to you that being on good times is more pleasant?

[survivalthroughhate]

Both.

[How long can he keep up the one-word answers? Possibly indefinitely. He did used to go about a month at a time between having conversations with some people.]

[quipsandthwips]

Do you always respond in one-word answers, or do I just make you so shy from my handsomeness that you can't say more than that?

[survivalthroughhate]

Yes.

[Now he's just doing it deliberately because it's not like he's got anything better to do right now.]

[quipsandthwips]

Are you a magic eight ball?

And if so, will I ever make a million dollars someday, Mr. Magic Eightball?

[survivalthroughhate]

[He shakes his head and rubs a hand over his face. Peter, you make him tired sometimes.]

Idiot.

[quipsandthwips]

Huh, I don't think I've seen an eightball reply that before.

Maybe I should shake it again.

[survivalthroughhate]

[Maul's eyes seem to glow with the rage inside of them.]

I am going to hunt you down and hit you so hard your whole family is going to feel it.

[quipsandthwips]

... Uh. I don't have any living family at this time, so I guess your threat's a bit hollow.

Maul, buddy, have you never joked with people in your entire life?

You gotta relax a little. This is what gets you into trouble half the time!

[survivalthroughhate]

[Nope, he's never needed a sense of humor before now. His master had made him into a weapon and weapons didn't need a sense of humor. Even now, what little he has in the way of one is much more attuned to the macabre and black comedy than anything else.

His voice goes flat.]

Oh, yes, I'm sure it's my lack of appreciating idiotic humor that keeps getting me into trouble instead of the populace considering me a monster whenever I do anything wrong or are even just accused of it without evidence. What a fool I was to think otherwise.

[quipsandthwips]

... You ever hear the story of the boy who cried wolf? It's an old Earth tale, so I wouldn't be shocked if it wasn't on your reading list. I'd look it up.

You've got to stop acting like everyone else is to blame for being wary of the guy who came into their lives ready to commit violence to whoever so much as sneezed in his direction. Change is good. It's great, and I love that, and nobody's past redemption. Buuuut you also just threatened to hunt me down and hurt me just because you don't know how to just hang up a call and move on with your day, and you have a victim complex the size of the Empire State Building. You get angry when everyone else needs time to comprehend your sincerity, when you didn't have that to start with. People hide from you because you can't handle the smallest slight.

And boy, you are the king of self-sabotaging.

[survivalthroughhate]

[Maul listens. He listens to every word, and by the end of it, he’s quivering with anger. Not because Peter is wrong but because he’s right. Of course, Maul being who he is, he can’t admit that, not even really to himself. He’s only just started down the road of becoming a better person and facing up to how he’s acted still isn’t something he’s willing or even able to do.]

Silence!

[He roars out, rage coloring his features. With the anger he feels within, Maul can’t help but lash out. It’s the only way he knows how to deal with it right now.]

You think you know me?! Why don’t you turn that perceptive gaze inwards and see what you’ll find? I see a man who tries to save others because it’s a compulsion, because he’s failed so many times in the past all he can do is make up for it by trying to save everyone now. [It’s a shot in the dark but after hanging around Usagi and Obi-Wan for so long, Maul’s seen certain patterns in do-gooder types. They always blame themselves more for the ones they don’t save than the ones they do.] You’d rather die saving one more person than face the idea that your meddling just makes things worse for some people.

[quipsandthwips]

[There's a long, quiet pause.

Perhaps to reflect inwardly, to see-]

... Yup!

[Ah. Or that. Spider-Man sits there very casually, as if Maul had been calmly explaining 2 + 2 to him, or that the sky is blue, or that Meryl Streep is a total babe at any age.]

You got it in one. I'm a compulsive hero who failed a lot of people and projects in his life, and I try to make up for a lot of things by overworking myself to the point of mental exhaustion; I'd sooner die than screw up and lose someone I could save. I've got a laundry list of issues and I treat my health like garbage and get too involved, but I'm also a big hypocrite who has a hard time admitting they're not okay when I tell other people to be open.

Anyway, how 'bout you?