deernet | Video; UN: Spider-Man

Hey, everyone! Spider-Man here — AKA your favorite Peter! Sorry to all the other Peters, but them's just the breaks. I've worked too hard the last three years around here to not get top-billed spot as Peter! ... Alright, alright, maybe I'll share with Peter Graham. But only because he's as old and tired as me. We're like a thousand years old in spirit, right? Right. The Peter Pack old boys.

Anyway, I used to give people informational packets, back when we lived in, uh... Deerington. You know, in Maine? You remember that old chestnut? Yeah, me too. Lucky me, my house and lab came with me! A little less furbished, but I do what I can. I'll be starting up my new job as a teacher here at the school soon, because old habits die hard, but I suppose I don't mind doing some teaching outside of the school, too, sooooo...

If you wanna know anything about the world that existed before Trench, I can answer questions as best I can. You guys all deserve that. And, uh. If it helps — I've attached a copy of the PPPP(S). Yup, that's right! The original! The O.G., as the hip kids call it.

[FILE ATTACHED.]

Super sorry if anything's confusing; I can fill out any of the weird blanks or things that don't quite make sense. And for everyone who doesn't need this info because they swam their little squid tuckuses behind me.... Hey! How's it going! Tell me a good joke, if you've got one. Let me know how you're settling while you're at it. I've been pretty good, personally. Lots of fighting, y'know. Creepy monsters away from the outskirts of town.

So basically nothing's changed.

Well, nothing other than the month, I guess! Wow, wait, is it already a new month? Can't believe...

[He trails off, and seems to realize, belatedly, loudly, and with great concern:]

OH NO, NOT OCTOBER!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh! I've never heard of a spider granting special powers before! But much more magical things have happened! [See: a magic mirror able to literally look and see everything anywhere and know the truth about everyone.]

So Peter, what sort of abilities do you have? You seem to only have two arms and two legs as far as I can see, so clearly no new limbs! And I'm going to guess you only have two eyes as well!

Well, I'm super strong and durable!

[He moves over to a really big wagon sitting in the street, and proceeds to pick it up over his head with one hand!!!]

And I have really good balance! And I'm sticky!

OH! [She claps, impressed.] That's wonderful! Look at that! You're as strong as a giant! That's very impressive, Peter!

Those all sound like very useful skills... except perhaps the stickiness, that must make eating difficult!

Oh, it was difficult when I first got those powers! Now I know how to use it right.

... But I definitely did have a few apples sticking to my hands in high school.

... And broke a few doors.

A-Apples you say! [Snow White balked, somehow looking paler if that were even possible. She shivered a bit.] How unfortunate!

Especially with broken doors as well! Your poor home! But you have control of it all now, I should think?

[... Apples, huh? Maybe she's allergic.

That'd be a real shame.]

For the most part, yeah! I'm kind of having some issues not accidentally shooting webs, though. If you see some webs that look way too big for a normal spider hanging around town... that's probably my fault. Sorry about that.

[Allergic is one way to phrase it.]

Shall I just tell the local spiders it's a nice hotel stay? [She giggles.]

It'd only be a good stay for a few hours, sadly!

But it's a pretty nice place for a picnic, if I had to tell 'em anything!

[He's absolutely supportive of their vacationing destination choices here.]

My goodness! Just imagine the size of the bugs they'd catch! [She giggles.] You'll be providing them a feast!

Are you saying I should switch professions and work as a spider chef?

I think I'd do pretty great! Pay might be a bit low, though.

Everyone needs to eat, spiders too!

Well, I suppose that all depends on how many spiders you help. They may wish to use each arm to pay you!