deernet | Video; un: darkness

[The video turns on and it's Maul, using his omen Venge to broadcast it. He looks serious like he's about to talk to Trench about a topic of great importance.]

For those unaware, this is the time of year when the Pthumerian or half-Pthumerian known as Santa Claus comes to Trench towards the end of the month. He can shift into many forms to fit into your home but most often looks like this.

[Venge, his Omen, turns to look at the picture that has been sketched of a fairly traditional 21st century Santa Maul has set up next to him. Yes, this presentation comes with pictures, all made by Maul himself]

Santa is one of the more benevolent Pthumerians though he is possessed of much stealth and cunning, making it difficult for people to interact with him. He is associated with deer as Sodder was but his chosen favored deer are reindeer. He uses his powers to make them fly.

[Another picture, this time showing the team of flying reindeer that looks like it was copied from an illustration of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. This one is a little rougher, especially the reindeer, for drawing animals isn't Maul's forte.]

He loves the scent of pine and prefers if there are wreaths or full trees made of them left in the home when he visits. Those who leave him offerings of food and drink he will reward with presents. The offerings can be small such as this.

[Again, another picture showing a glass of milk and plate of cookies are shown with an equal sign followed by a small stack of presents underneath a Christmas tree that has been decorated rather....oddly with things like animal skulls and black ornaments on it.]

But he also accepts larger offerings if you wish for larger gifts. There appears to be no known way to prevent him from entering your homes but he doesn't appear to seem interested in causing harm to people, even those who fail to provide him hospitality. I have yet to run into him personally the past two years, but if anyone sees him, please let me know. I wish to test my fighting skills against him.

[.............Yes, Darth Maul just said he wants to fight Santa Claus. Will wonders never cease?]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Yeah, I guess. Just seems kinda wrong to fight the guy.

He'll be fine. Killing a Pthumerian is far beyond even my formidable skills.

[Those ominous words are actually meant to be more reassuring than anything else.]

You sure he's a Pthumerian? Where I come from, people got all sorts of stories about him. Some call him a demon and a wizard, some say he's just a generic magical being.

He can shapeshift, has lived for hundreds of years, likes for people to worship him in their own way, and has an affinity for deer. That sounds like a Pthumerian to me.

[Maul's logic is ironclad in his own mind and he shall not be swayed from his stance.]

I never heard of him shapeshiftin'. [But he can certainly see how the rest would make Santa sound like a Pthumerian]

How else could a man shaped like this-- [Maul draws a circle in the air with two fingers.] --Fit into a chimney shaped like this? [He holds up his thumb and forefinger in the shape of a rectangle.]

[Shrugs] Some traditions say he's a wizard. So he could just use magic. I ain't sayin' you got the wrong idea, but there are lots of different stories about him.

I've never known of magic that could flat-out alter time before and my mother was a very accomplished witch. Someone suggested that if he is a Pthumerian and appears in the stories of many different worlds, that means he is one of the most powerful Pthumerians to exist.

Can't wait to hear what you think of the fuckin' Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Are those other powerful beings that are known on Earth?

[Just look at that blissfully ignorant red-and-black face, Jason. Be very careful what you say or Maul will be trying to fight a giant bunny come Easter.]

They're just stories you tell kids. Like the Tooth Fairy comes and takes your baby teeth and leaves you money. And the Easter Bunny gives you candy and toys on Easter. I guess the bunny's sorta like Santa, except I don't think there are near as many different versions. And as far as I know, the bunny doesn't give a shit if you're naughty or nice.

Fairies that want body parts are no stranger to me. I've met them before.

[He'd met some very nasty ones in Deerington who'd been after anything they could pull off a person with their sharp teeth and little hands. He still had nightmares about them on occasion.]

How large is this rabbit if it hands out toys to children?

[Maul had been picturing a normal-sized bunny rabbit in his mind.]

[Yeah, that isn't surprised him. Moving right along]

You're not gonna try and fight the fuckin' Easter Bunny, are ya? It's a rabbit.

That depends on if he's some form of mutated rabbit that has grown larger than normal or might be a Pthumerian as well. After all, there's already one that likes to take the form of a rabbit.

[With Dorothea looking like a jackalope much of the time, Maul could easily have bought there being other Pthumerians that looked like bunny rabbits.]

Yeah, I don't think he's one of them. He ain't associated with deer and the only real power he's got is painting eggs and goin' in your house to leave gifts.

[He had so many questions.]

Earth rabbits can lay eggs? How does he have enough dexterity in his paws that allows him to paint eggs? Why do so many of these powerful figures break into people's homes?

[Someone who can actually explain this well should really take over. Oh well]

He ain't real. The egg stuff is done by people, and the parents are the ones who leave the presents. They just say it's this bunny to make it more magical for kids.

He may not be real where you are from, but if Santa Claus is real, there is a very good chance we shall see a very big bunny here in Trench come springtime. And I shall want to be prepared when he comes.

[At the rate he was going, Maul was just going to flat-out will the Easter Bunny into existence.]

Prepared for what? If it's real, it's just a bunny.

Haven't you ever read Watership Down? Bunnies can be vicious.

Nope, never read it. [He has seen the traumatizing animated movie, though. Not that he's going to encourage Maul by mentioning that]

Why're you so set on makin' these harmless characters fight you anyway?

You should stop by the Entertainment Feed sometimes. I think they have a copy.

[Maul's favorite characters had been a tie between Bigwig and General Woundwort. No surprise there.]

I like testing myself by fighting powerful beings. So few Pthumerians take a shape that make them easy to challenge.

Yeah, great. You're gonna fight some beings who did no harm to you and just wanna bring toys to kids. A real fuckin' show of your skills there.

[Maul's voice went frigid when he replied and an intense glare came into his eyes.]

I don't recall asking for your permission.

No, but if you wanna go fight somethin', maybe don't start with beings who exist just to delight children.

(no subject)

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