deernet | video; un: polaris

[ asriel has been described as an imposing figure, and the harsh lighting in this place does nothing to dispel that. it's a spacious room, and what light there is seems swallowed by the darkness of the shadows. the lamp on the desk beside him provides most of what there is, and it also illuminates the mess of books and papers he did not bother to tidy before making this.

his snow leopard daemon sits calm and still at his side, all except for her tail sweeping back and forth. there are the sounds of ravens chattering nearby unseen, but as the cat seems more attentive to asriel, they don't seem to be the cause of her anticipation. ]

I am Lord Asriel Belacqua. Few of you will know me, as I only recently found myself in this world, which is why I am here now.

For various reasons, I am interested in the pthumerians, but my research will take time and is more limited in some areas than I would like. I would rather hear it from the rest of you since the people alive here right now are more relevant than the opinions of authors who may no longer be with us. Do you consider them friends or foes? What role does their presence play in your lives? Do you approve of their influence on you? Consider me taking a neutral stance, so all sides have value; if it is worth mentioning, I would hear of it.

[ it's intended to be some encouragement to those who might wonder if their information isn't important enough (because it is), but asriel being asriel means it comes out sounding more like a command. ]

You needn't answer all the questions either, just whatever you like.

[ yes, the snow leopard talks too, but stelmaria's manner manages to be gentler, at least. ]

Given the implications of the illness problem, now seems an appropriate time for an exchange of information, don't you think?

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[It isn't a terrible answer, as answers go.

But it rings woefully incomplete to a shrike's sensibilities.]

Do you have any children, o lord?

[And his following question is not as tangential as it seems.]

[ it's the last question asriel expects. or wants. he's already rolling his eyes and gritting his teeth because why must everyone bring her up? it's always been his knee-jerk reaction, and he has no desire to consider why that is now more than he ever has. ]

I have a daughter.

[ it's his best don't worry about it, it's not complicated tone. ]

Why do you ask?

Did you have the privilege of raising her yourself? Is such a thing customary among your people?

[ asriel huffs a breath that isn't exactly a laugh, but something like it. oh, of course. the privilege. if that's the sort of person he's dealing with, this can't lead anywhere good. ]

No. It wasn't possible, but I kept her safe and she never wanted for anything.

[ ~~except, you know, parents.~~ ]

I trust you are going somewhere with this?

I'm sorry that you could not.

[He suspects it might not be necessary to say so--that this lord might not feel the missed opportunity as a loss.

He writes the condolence anyway.]

Yes. I'm interested in the extent of your philosophy. Its edges and implications.

Someone or someones raised your daughter on your behalf. Nursed her, fed her, sheltered her. Even when it was inconvenient. Even when it meant a loss of autonomy--the parent of an infant is her slave for months.

In a world with the freedom you seek, who will endure that slavery?

I imagine they hired someone willing to do the job. So, no, not exactly slavery.

[ he doesn't know the specifics. there was the gyptian woman, of course, and he handled whatever other expenses arose. he left the hiring to those at jordan college, but he knows the compensation was fair. ]

Most mothers would not consider themselves slaves either, I suspect. No one should be forced to be one, after all, which happens all too often in a society that only sees value in a person's ability to carry children and ignores all their other merits.

[ he doesn't really have the right to be angry about this, and he knows it. marisa would hate him for hijacking her experience to strengthen his own point; he was allowed to recognise her brilliance but never fight her battles.

which is a bitter reminder just then, and so asriel is petty enough to do it anyway. it's not like she's here to object. ]

Not perhaps on its face. Though we could digress into the many ways desperation for money--for survival, curtails choice and freedom.

[And what an interesting digression that might be, but it would get them far afield of the central point.]

Among my people it has always been the women who choose how and when to have their children. Though for a long time children were so rare among us that almost no one would pass up an opportunity to try.

Yet even the happiest mothers I have known would not say their lives were not changed forever and unexpectedly by children. That they did not find their choices curtailed. Their autonomy restricted.

Most miserable were those who desired a child not for the child's sake but their own--for the honor having a child would give them, or a need to carry a dying line. Many thus discovered they had not wanted to be mothers after all, merely possessors of children. Motherhood required too much sacrifice of all they held dear.

What would you have done, had your hired wet nurse decided for a week to pursue some long-held dream of hers at the expense of feeding your daughter?

I suppose we would have hired another disinclined to such things.

[ it clearly doesn't make him question the well-being of the child. things turned out just fine. ]

Our autonomy is always impacted by agreements we enter into explicitly or implicitly. That is the social compact that prevents society from dissolving into chaos. My issue is in how this has been manipulated to control people.

Mothers regretting the decision to have children or having them for selfish reasons cannot be avoided entirely. Mitigated, perhaps, as one expects a healthier society to see fewer instances of such things, but simple probability says that someone will inevitably fall through the cracks.

[ he says this with the cold flippancy that comes with having made peace with the idea that you can't save everyone a long time ago. ]

The issue is when someone or something else interferes. Some external force or expectation restricts the mother's choices. Arbitrary, oppressive things bind her because of some judgement that has nothing to do with the well-being of the mother or the children.

[It is always informative how someone chooses to fill in the details of a counterfactual.]

So you would say the total personal autonomy you champion is perhaps an unachievable but worthy ideal?

How do you define licit interference? Or for that matter, the well-being of mother or children, and which choices might harm them?

You are getting caught up in the details and overlooking the bigger picture.

[ which honestly explains his entire approach to his family, big picture guy that he is. ]

It has always been a systemic issue on a cosmic scale. We're dealing in things that concern gods and men.

[ ~~haven't you heard? lord asriel is a big fucking deal.~~ ]

What makes you think my ideal has ever been unachievable? Because I am one man? Because you assume it's impossible to believe it can be done and then do it?

You think too small.

[Ah-hah. This man could very well be a Monarch given other circumstances.]

Because you cannot defend the value of complete autonomy without fatal contradiction.

If what you mean is you have the will and ambition to kill a Pthumerian--or a god--then I don't doubt your capability.

[Which was not saying as much as one might think, given Illarion's own Patron could be killed by dropping a too-heavy book on him.

He just kept coming back.]

But I respect a personal grudge against authority far more than a sweeping claim all will be better off for its removal.

Some philosophers would debate you eternally on the topic, I'm sure. You prefer your definition, and I, mine.

[ unfortunately for everyone, asriel's preferred method of debate is closing the issue when he's decided he's tired of it. ]

In any case, I believe we arrive there at the fundamental difference. I don't make sweeping claims unless I can back them up with evidence.

I fought and defeated an enemy that claimed to save people by cutting away their souls. I watched consciousness itself drain out of the worlds. The destruction of an Authority that condones the mutilation of children in His name can only be a positive change.

[ it's a good fight, but it's not to say there isn't considerable ego involved here, too. he is not a humble servant of a cause but fully committed to his self-appointed role as an agent of change. ]

But you are correct. Not all will thrive. Acceptance of the world I worked so hard to create will likely prove difficult for those too deeply entrenched in their ways to embrace it.

video; un: polaris

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cw: mention of violence involving children