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I should have guessed when we didn't see him around for nearly a month. I assumed he got waylaid by one of his art projects.

I suppose it will be nice for Little Jewel to have a friend.

It will be a few hours before I'm home, but if I may ask;

Are you alright?

[he is not all right. he has been staring at a particular object nested in and amongst Huaisang's belongings, trying and failing to make sense of why, after all this time, he should discover it there. but there's no sense in worrying Lan Xichen over such things now.]

I am all right.

[he says, you know, like a liar.]

Please be at ease, Er-ge, and don't worry about me. We can discuss this when you get home.

[Xichen would not consider it a lie. Or at least not the kind that might require he gently coax A-Yao to tell the truth. Because they have been close for so many years, because Xichen has seen Jin Guangyao suffer so much humiliation with poise and dignity that he knows that there are several dozen of "I am all right"s from Jin Guangyao. One without any offer of elaboration is a very clear "No".]

I will try to be quick as possible. In the meanwhile, please check the small cupboard above the refrigerator - there is a should be a box of licorice tea up there. I was going to give it to you on a special occasion, but I think you may have a more pressing need for its calming effects.

Edited 2023-04-04 02:59 (UTC)

[he smiles at that message, even as it causes him some low-grade anxiety; of course his Er-ge would be able to see through him at this point. something to fret over another time.]

Er-ge is all solicitous generosity.

[maybe a bit of text flirtation will distract him!]

There is no rush. I will see you when you get home.

[and when Lan Xichen does arrive back at the siheyuan, the scene that confronts him in the parlour of their little home isn't particularly dramatic. Jin Guangyao is seated at the low table with a box of Huaisang's familiar artworks and woodcut projects open beside him on the floor. he is quietly, wistfully considering an open fan in his hands, marvelling over his friend(?)'s exquisite brushstrokes as, perhaps, he should have done more often while he was still in Trench. but there is something else on the table in front of him: it is Jin Guangyao's gauze hat, which has been missing since last November.

when the sliding door opens to admit Lan Xichen, Jin Guangyao sets the fan down and immediately rises to greet him.] Er-ge, [a quick smile, perhaps a bit too quick, and a polite kiss to welcome him home,] thank you for the tea. I have prepared some for you as well, if you would like to join me.

[nothing about such a reception should sound ominous. (and yet.)]

[Incorporating these new steps to their comfortable and familiar dance has become a pleasant sort of routine that Xichen doesn't think he can bear to live without, and so he moves comfortably into his husband's space, greeting him with a kiss to the brow.

And then he sees the hat amidst Nie Huaisang's things, the one that's been missing for months and his stomach drops.

He is and is not surprised by what that means. Indeed, Huaisang must have found out far, far sooner than Lan Xichen initially suspected. Exactly when and how will, likely, always remain a mystery. But knowing now that Haisang was aware of what Jin Guangyao had done... well. He's not surprised to see the peculiar souvenir.

He pulls his husband close, something fierce and protective welling in him.]

...He knew already.

[how odd to find himself experiencing something so alien and foreign: the sudden desire to not be held in Lan Xichen's arms. still, he doesn't pull himself free; maybe that instinct to hold him is more about Lan Xichen's comfort than his own.

after a fraught moment of silence, Jin Guangyao gently reaches up to take hold of Lan Xichen's forearms and coax them loose from around him; he's careful about it, not wanting his Er-ge to read such a need for space as a rejection, after all this time. but he needs--he needs--]

Er-ge must have some reason to suspect such a thing. [he says the words quietly, avoiding eye contact, and then gestures with a slim hand towards the chairs at the table.] Please sit. Let me at least pour you tea before--

[before they unpack this painful subject.]

[He nods, taking a seat, his mouth set in a thin, grim line. He'd hoped against hope that they would never have to have this conversation, that Xichen would never have to lay bare that final piece of the puzzle of who had orchestrated Jin Guangyao's downfall and death.

He had hoped that, if Nie Huaisang didn't know, then perhaps things could be different. The truth could come...

...Well, perhaps not so abruptly.]

I am sure A-Yao has... questions.

[it is a difficult thing to navigate something as mutable as 'truth' when that truth is only real for one of them. something about one person's past being another person's prologue, perhaps.

he pours the tea in silence, eyes downcast and veiled behind his lashes. he looks inscrutably calm and impossible to read, suddenly.]

We have been--careful. About what questions I should and should not ask. [a quiet reminder before he risks meeting Lan Xichen's eyes again. he carefully leans across the table to set the tea cup before him, holding his silk sleeve out of the way so it does not disturb any of Huaisang's beautiful artwork.]

Huaisang must have found it and kept it after my qi deviation in November. [the hat, obviously. Jin Guangyao picks his hat up and holds it with both hands like it is something that might shatter, instead of the symbol of his office which had accompanied him on so many bloody errands for his father. and for himself.

he sets it aside and exhales past his nose, then folds his hands in his lap.] I don't understand why he kept it. And I don't understand why seeing it now makes Er-ge so certain that he knew that I-- [abruptly, he silences himself and looks aside. even now, he can't say the words. (coward.)] ...that he knew, [he finishes obliquely instead.]

[He takes the tea gratefully, holding it between his palms with the same delicacy that Jin Guangyao now holds his hat. He wants, more than anything, to go to his husband's side, to hold him close, to tell him he's safe now.

It would be a pleasant lie, of course, but a lie nonetheless. And Xichen is ill-suited to lying, save by very careful omission.

What has been omitted, however, cannot remain so forever.]

When I killed you - [He grimaces, awash in shame and guilt, saying it still painful but he says it nonetheless.] - it came to light that it was Huaisang who was the one most likely responsible for your downfall.

[His gaze drops to the tea warming his chilly palms, and he gives a soft exhale.]

I... confess my memory of the aftermath is... hazy. But I remember seeing him leave with your hat in hand. It must have fallen off when da-ge -- or perhaps before.

[He shakes himself, trying to steady his thoughts. Even with all the time he has between the events, recounting them is still an ordeal. He can still remember the stench of blood, how it was hot and slick on his hands, watching the life ebb from his sworn brother's eyes.]

...In any case, it is about as close to an admission as Huaisang could ever give.

Edited 2023-04-04 21:24 (UTC)

[--when Da-ge had such a tight death-grip on Jin Guangyao's throat, yes. Jin Guangyao recalls what he'd witnessed in Lan Xichen's memories of the past, but witnessing the memory of another person doesn't grant those memories the same razor-sharp clarity he experiences when recalling his own. perhaps he was wearing the hat. perhaps he wasn't. he supposes an official shouldn't keep the symbol of their office when sealed inside a crypt with the sworn brother they murdered anyway.

he closes his eyes, knuckles whitening where he grips his tea cup. he isn't angry, but shock can be anger's close cousin.]

Er-ge told this one that he allowed himself to be used for someone else's revenge. [there's neither fury nor accusation in his voice; his affect is unsettlingly flat.]

[He would not blame his husband for being angry - after all, Jin Guangyao had spent many an afternoon with a man who destroyed his life from the ground up and Xichen had kept silent, conflicted on revealing all, or hoping for the best.

He'd gambled on the latter, and now he regretted it. (Then again, what could Huaisang even have done?)]

I am sure you've worked it all out, then.

[Another long, steadying breath and a fortifying sip of tea. The last piece of the puzzle.]

When I turned to Huaisang to borrow the medicine he'd had with him to treat your injuries, I suppose he realized that I was not inclined to kill you. Perhaps he assumed you would live long enough to stand a trial, or perhaps he had notions that I would follow in my father's footsteps.

[There is, for a moment, a deep furrow in Xichen's brow, as though he wasn't certain himself, and thus disgusted with himself.]

...And so he exclaimed as though you were about to strike, and without either looking or thinking, I stabbed you.

That I was about to strike--whom? Him? [a pause, and with his eyebrows arching high towards his hairline, he lets out a short, mirthless laugh.] You? Er-ge, [he says, as though to say really, but his skepticism can't survive the expression on his husband's face.

(no. Lan Xichen would not have sent him to the gentian house, to languish and wither away and die in lonely isolation like Lan-furen. ...no, he wouldn't have.)

Jin Guangyao purses his lips into a thin line and looks down into his reflection on the surface of his tea, then lifts the cup and sips from it to steady his nerves. if he tells himself that his hand is not trembling, then that will make it so. then he smiles mildly, an expression terribly at odds with the sheen of wetness to his eyes and the tight, hard look of resentment burgeoning beneath the tears.]

Well. What right do I have to feel any way about any of this? I brought my fate upon myself, didn't I? [he draws a breath and carefully unfolds himself from his seat, rising gracefully to his feet.] Please excuse me, Er-ge, I need some air.

Edited 2023-04-05 01:28 (UTC)

[(No. He would not have. But there had been a moment where he'd certainly considered it and that, to him, was just as bad.)

The forced smile coupled with the trembling hand is more than enough evidence that trying to offer comfort or consolation will only make things worse. He certainly wants to argue that whatever A-Yao did, what happened in that temple was neither just nor right, not to Jin Guangyao, not to Nie Mingjue -- but those words would ring hollow in the moment.

Instead, he nods, reluctant but understanding. He'll wait.

He'd gotten rather good at that in the four months he spent in seclusion.

---

When his husband returns, the house is spotless. Cleaning has always helped quell his anxiety, but he an A-Yao are already rather tidy people, and so there wasn't much to do.

He's instead by the tree where he normally does his evening meditation. Alas, he found no peace and is, instead, wearing a path through the flagstones with his pacing while Well. What right do I have to feel any way about any of this? I brought my fate upon myself, didn't I? still ringing in his ears.

It's not a surprise his husband is upset - perhaps even moreso at the fact that Xichen chose to take Huaisang's word over his. And really, he cannot blame him. He has no excuse for his betrayal of Jin Guangyao's trust, but at least the whole truth is finally out in the open.

Now, where they go from here is... well. He's not sure.]

[when Jin Guangyao returns to the siheyuan, he has a small shopping bag containing some essentials slung over one shoulder and appears--not relaxed, precisely, but at least like a more recognizable version of himself, his brows bent into the sort of furrow that usually accompanies problem solving or efficient work. he lets little xiao meimei precede him across the threshold, and pauses in the middle of closing the gate behind him when he sees Lan Xichen. or, more accurately, when he observes the state that Lan Xichen has worked himself into.

his expression softens. then he reaches into the bag and withdraws... a smaller bag. the savoury aroma of mild curry and cooked vegetables soon permeates the air around them.]

Shall we have dinner here in the courtyard?

[naturally, there is more for them to discuss. but attending to their basic animal needs conveys, Jin Guangyao hopes, a simpler truth: the bond between them remains strong, and nurturing it is still important to him.]

[When he hears the gate open Xichen's back impossibly straightens, his expression going from quizzical to relieved when Jin Guangyao suggests dinner.

Xichen smiles, his head dipping into a nod.]

Since the weather permits, I see no reason not to.

[It is, indeed, pleasant. Spring has finally shaken off the cowl of winter and the plants are flourishing, the air is balmy and clear. They certainly have much to discuss, but for now, a few moments of their daily routine, the sort of quiet domesticity they've settled into, seems far more pressing.]

Shall I get the dishes and prepare some tea...?

Please, [Jin Guangyao acquiesces, his smile small and tender, living mostly in the eyes, and carries the bags over to the stone table beneath the red maple tree. and there he sets everything out while Lan Xichen goes through the now-familiar motions of their shared life together: the tea, the dishes and cutlery arranged just so, all while the cool spring breeze makes gentle music with the wind chimes. it's all very idyllic, really! no wonder Shen Yuan is so nervous, nothing this pleasant can ever last for long in Trench.

once they are seated with the tea poured and their bowls filled with rice and curry (the spicier the better for this boy from Yunping, though he has of course ensured that Lan Xichen's fare is much, much milder), Jin Guangyao looks up at the low branches of the maple tree. Li meimei, Huaisang's oriole, has made herself comfortable amid the leaves and is treating them both to the melodic lilt of her birdsong.]

Er-ge, did I tell you that Huaisang and I shared a winter mourning?

[he knows the answer is 'no.' but this is how he's choosing to crack open this topic, so bear with him.]

[Xichen's taste for the spicier things in life have certainly developed. He maintains his vegetarian diet, even if technically, he is perfectly at liberty to eat meat outside the Cloud Recesses.

He's never developed much of an appetite for meat, and Jin Guangyao has always been so accommodating - even back during the banquets, he'd always make sure neither meat nor alcohol were anywhere close to Lan tables.

It was kind. Lan Xichen only loved him all the more for it.

And that is why he never bothers with the rule of not talking while eating. Beyond the walls of the Cloud Recesses, silence at the dinner table is, more often than not, seen as socially awkward at best, and an affront at worst. He is sure his husband would happily accommodate him if he insisted on following the rule, but he doesn't. There is a certain warmth that fills him, sharing both a meal and conversation.

Besides, since they've been together, they've done far more at the dinner table than just talk. He knows there is no rule about that on the Wall of Discipline, but only because no Lan has ever been that audacious.]

A-Yao has not.

[He can hazard a guess as to why, and he certainly doesn't expect his husband to tell him every single thing. Still, Jin Guangyao gets a small, warm smile, a sign that Xichen is happy he chooses to trust him with this.]

...Would he like to?

[He leaves a way out for his husband, of course. In case he decides that he is, in fact, not ready to talk about it.]

[in response, Jin Guangyao dips his head in a small nod, takes a breath, and then tries his very best to describe the strange and surreal memory that warped and changed as he and Huaisang experienced it. often he has to pause, to backtrack, not because he has forgotten details--his mind is a steel trap which will never afford him the luxury of forgetting anything--but because he wishes to emphasize something in more detail.

in the end, when he has finished recounting in a surprisingly steady voice his final encounter with Nie Mingjue, he looks up to where the oriole still perches on the tree branch. her song is melodic and simple; whatever she was in the memory, in Trench, she's simply a bird.]

...That is how Huaisang came to have Li meimei. Afterwards, we never spoke about what happened. And now, I suppose we never will.

[pensive, he reaches a hand up towards the bird, who is well trained enough to recognize that gesture by now. she flits down to alight on Jin Guangyao's hand, beady eyes looking at him expectantly for the bird seed he had better provide for her now that she's come all this way to grace him with her presence. and so obligingly, Jin Guangyao offers her his open palm and lets her pick out which seeds she likes best.]

[What Jin Guangyao describes is, well, the Nie Mingjue Lan Xichen was more familiar with. A brash and brusque man, certainly, but not one beyond reason.

But he also knows that by the the point and time this memory occurs, their eldest sworn brother was... no longer the man Xichen had grown to love and respect. He was in his dying months, Baxia tearing at his mind long before Jin Guangyao's fingers so much as touched the first notes of turmoil.

It's still a shock how doggedly he pursues Jin Guangyao, but one Xichen is coming to terms with. One he will never forgive himself for not seeing sooner.

It's a pleasant, idyllic picture, a sharp contrast to what had actually transpired that day, and instead seems to be what Nie Huaisang and Jin Guangyao would have liked to have happen.

It's such a marvel at how little they all really asked out of life, and yet. And yet. Things still ended the way they did.

He watches the oriole perch on A-Yao's hand. His own Little Jewel is perched in her tree and Xichen tries to wave her over. But she is as obedient as ever, and instead flits away in a streak of blue and white to perch on the roof.]

...Indeed. Huaisang asked me once if da-ge ever really saw him.

[He exhales, fingers folding in his lap.]

I didn't know how to answer, because I don't think any of us ever truly did.

[Li meimei is light as air, but vital and alive, and she keeps one eye turned towards Jin Guangyao, or to Lan Xichen, as she makes short work of the seed she's been offered. Jin Guangyao's lips twist into a thin smile, and once she's eaten her fill and flitted back up to the trees, he sighs as he brushes the excess off onto the ground. he will tidy it up later, if she doesn't get to it first.]

Da-ge saw in others what Da-ge wished to see, and very little else. [his voice is quiet, but somehow harder than it has been prior to this moment; perhaps this is why he never brings up Nie Mingjue, if he can help it. in the jianghu, he'd never have voice something veering so close to a criticism of Chifeng-zun. but they aren't in the jianghu anymore.] It was difficult to find the time to devote to Huaisang when Da-ge's demands were so--exacting.

[a pause, a moment's hesitation, before he meets Lan Xichen's eyes. for a moment he looks almost afraid that even now, even after all they have shared and promised to each other, he will glimpse doubt in Lan Xichen's expression.] Er-ge, if I tell you that even now I still care for both of them, will you believe me?

[oh...sansa hadn't actually seen a little songbird before, outside of dreams. it looks very sweet.]

Hallo, Lord Guangyao. Your bird is very beautiful. I believe I could use my magic to find out what it likes to eat if I were to sit with it for a while.

It would be well if you could give it an aviary, but a very big cage will serve, so long as you let it out to fly around when you can. You'll need to be able to clean it out very often.

[ravens can be trained to use the bathroom outside, but she's not sure small birds can...]

[little Li meimei is indeed quite cute! even if the circumstances through which she came to exist in Trench at all remain, um, alarming, caring for her in Nie Huaisang's absence is the very least that he can do. and if one can say nothing else about Jin Guangyao, they must admit that he takes his obligations seriously. even to a little bird.]

Greetings, Lady Sansa, and thank you for your kind words. Her name is Li meimei.

Your recommendation regarding an aviary matches what I have been able to find on the network, and I believe this is something I will be able to accommodate. In the meantime I have made use of some netting to keep her from escaping our little courtyard at home. She seems to enjoy the sunshine and warmer weather.

If it would not inconvenience you, I would greatly appreciate any insight your magic could offer and would be glad to bring her to you when your schedule allows.

I should be very glad to meet Li meimei, and do what I can for her. It's good you have a courtyard; it will do very well for the warmer months.

May I ask where I might find the pair of you? I should like to visit at her earliest convenience.

[obviously if it isn't cellar door it's a bit of an inconvenience this week, but the prospect of holding such a cute little bird makes up for that...]

[regrettably, his modest household does not live in Cellar Door.]

My honourable husband and I reside in Willful Machine. I will send the address to you privately.

[--which he does promptly; the siheyuan where he and Lan Xichen live together would be rather easy to miss while walking down the thoroughfare, and so Jin Guangyao takes care to note precisely where the door is in his directions.]

If you have any difficulty finding the address, please do call me and I will come find you. But Lady Sansa, if the location is too far out of the way for you, it is no hardship at all for me to bring Li meimei to you instead. This one is happy to accommodate you.

of course you're both welcome in my home, but I have jewelry lessons this evening in Willful Machine, and I would be very glad to come by yours afterward.

[sansa actually specialized in evasive maneuvers in ninja school and despite all appearances can naruto run very fast between the nighborhoods...]

I look forward to seeing you both.

[mostly the little bird though]

Very well. In that case, I will see you at our home this evening when your lessons have concluded.

Take care, Sansa-gungiang.

[he spends the rest of the day tidying up around the siheyuan and letting Lan Xichen know that they will be expecting a guest. his Er-ge may drop in to offer his respectful greetings, but he keeps his own schedule, and Jin Guangyao feels no need to adhere to all of the formalities that would have been required back in the cultivation world. just, you know, some of them.

which means he is in their modest courtyard arranging tea--a customary reception for all guests--when Sansa arrives. he has left the gate to the siheyuan ajar to welcome her in, and so straightens from placing the last finishing touches on the display to greet her with a warm smile.] Sansa-guniang, welcome. [he rounds his arms in a precise little bow, then gestures towards one of the chairs at the table.] I have prepared tea. Please, make yourself comfortable. I hope you did not have any trouble finding the address?

I'll miss Huaisang; he was a delight.

I know neither of us are the talking about feelings type, but if you ever want to, I'm here.

[the very last thing Jin Guangyao wishes to do at this moment is discuss his feelings--with anyone, least of all the people he cares for the most. what else was he expecting in response to an announcement like this?]

Thank you, shidi. I miss him as well.

[it isn't even a lie, even if it is hardly even a tenth of the whole truth.]

How are you feeling?

[about Huaisang's departure, or about what he endured last month--Jin Guangyao leaves it up to him to decide how to answer.]

[Ah, well played Jin-ge, well played. Shidi can hardly fail to show some emotional sincerity right after asking the same from shige, now can he?]

I've been better (I've also been a lot worse, so don't worry too much, okay??) but to be honest...

I'm sad for you and Lan-gongzi, but there's a part of me that's also relieved for Huaisang. I'm glad he's out of this world; hopefully wherever he ends up next has natural laws that stay laws, instead of bending to some jumped-up squid's whim.

I'm really stressed about this sunlight thing, to be honest. There's a lot of different ways to interpret this but I don't like any of them. I hate thinking that my life and the lives of everyone I care about is under the control of an untouchable omnipotent being, again.

But apart from that I'm doing fine. He Xuan's been staying at my place and making us both dinner every night since the travel network went down, so that's been really nice. I just wish there was some way to reliably predict what the future holds for us, you know?

[Does he mean 'us' as in 'me and all of my friends' or 'us' as in 'He Xuan and I?' Hm, it's really unclear. And of course Shen Yuan doesn't notice the ambiguity at all, la ti da da~]

[there is a relief-adjacent feeling about Huaisang's disappearance that is making a new home for itself in his heart alongside the long years of affection--and guilt--he has nurtured for Da-ge's little brother. but along with it is the sense of a conversation cut short prematurely, of closure denied, for both of them. Jin Guangyao thinks of Huaisang with the little unreality oriole in her cage in their shared dream of Jinlintai and all the component parts of that nightmare. no, that wasn't how any of it had happened. but if things had been different, if they could go back, somehow, and really see each other--

well. there is no point in dwelling on such things now. he is gone. Jin Guangyao hopes that, wherever Huaisang has gone, he won't have any trouble sourcing good paper for his art projects.

...wait a minute,]

He-xiansheng is staying with you?

[what. what?]

Mm? Oh, yes. He normally lives in a cave a ways the down the coast, apparently, but without the lampposts he can no longer reach it easily. I've been sharing my space with him until that changes.

There's no need to worry, shige. He's been a perfect gentleman.

[Right, because that's what Jin Guangyao would worry about.]

[sigh. another thing he missed in the murky month and a half of wandering in and out of old, familiar, terrible places and into unfamiliar ones. you get lost in a hell (or two) for a few weeks and everything goes to shit. he doesn't ask are you okay just yet, but he does make an unplanned trip to feed the pigeons just outside the sanguine station. he will not feed them peanut butter.]

I'm not sure if I'm to be trusted around birds, but they seem to like me for some reason, and my three (pretty sure they're kind of birds?) have been getting on just fine on a diet of insects and fish.

I let them have free run of the place, which has its ups and downs but Delmira cleans up after them, too. There has to be at least one bird expert here.

[mid-pigeon feeding, he can't help but add:]

I'm sorry.

[he had wondered, with no shortage of anxiety, where you were, Mike-xiansheng! and is therefore relieved to see his message arrive. some tension he hadn't even realized he was carrying in his shoulders goes out of him; one less absence to worry over.]

Thank you, xiansheng.

[perhaps he should try wearing some of those feelings on the outside for once? it seems that bottling everything up inside and never allowing the light to get to any of it has not done him any favours.]

I am pleased to hear from you again, even under sad circumstances.

I was worried for you.

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