text | anonymous (CW: Duplicity, PTSD, coercion)

[unphase]

I think I need help. I realize that things are bad and that's part of the problem.

About a year ago, I was on another world other than my own homeworld in my own galaxy. That place required things of its residents and had ways of making sure such things happened, regardless of our own wishes.

Needless to say, I was often unwilling and often punished for it.

I know it's not what happens here. But that doesn't matter in my mind.

So, I am hoping anyone else with PTSD knows ways of coping? I'd rather address all of this anonymously, so suggesting the Wellness Center won't help.

I appreciate your assistance. And your kindness.

Comments

text; un: Bridger

[ezra_of_lothal]

For those who might not know, PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's a medical term from 20th century+ Earth. I'm hardly an expert yet, but on my to do list is getting up to speed *really fast*.

Anon, it might be helpful if you could go into a little more detail about how things are bad for you, right now. Possibly the sorts of things that might tip off extra bad days.

A general suggestion - journaling or art, some form of expression, to get out your feelings about that place, your memories of what happened, and recontextualize them.

(CW: coerced sex, violent impulses)

[unphase]

On the other world, every month there would be situations which required intimacies I wasn't always willing to provide. If you failed to comply, you'd be punished in a variety of ways which often made going along with their requirements seem a kindness in comparison.

I was there for a very long time. Longer than I care to admit.

And now every time the Pthumerians expect something out of us, I'm on edge because how do I know what will or won't be required here? When I'm on edge, I get angry easily, but I bury it inside because everyone expects me to be warm, friendly, and kind. When I'd really like to beat the shit out of something. I don't feel like I can admit that, though, because of the expectations.

Dancing. I dance. That's always been my main source of self-expression.

[ezra_of_lothal]

I was also somewhere else for most of a year, and it had its challenges. I still mourn the loss of some of the relationships I had. But I can't say I really carry anger about what my life was like there, only the separations without any choice in the matter. Same as most other Sleepers here I guess, just a route with multiple stops.

I think that you can recognize that you're angry and reasons for it, is a good thing, actually. That you feel like you have to bury it and pretend to be what you think other people expect - less ideal. That could turn into a bitterness that grows and grows.

Perhaps dance with other people can be a form of intimacy you choose? That you have control over?

[unphase]

It's surprising to hear how many people here come from other places first. I wonder if this is a commonality many of us share. Not that I find that a bad thing, but it's an odd thing, that this has become a stopping point for many of us.

I don't want to become bitter. My mother felt that way and she's taking it out on the known galaxies where I'm from. On the other hand, pretending as though everything is fine is a time-honored tradition where I'm from and I worry that it's already gotten its claws in me, for good reasons, ones not related to the other world. But unlike my mother, I don't want to take it out on others.

I would like that, if it's a possibility. I'm not sure how to ask for that, though, without 'blowing my cover,' so to speak.

[ezra_of_lothal]

You're entitled to your privacy, of course. And I agree, given what you've said so far you're probably going to have to say *something* at some point about your experiences, even if it's tell them the sorts of things you might not want to do because it could make you feel worse.

It would require trust, or building towards deeper trust.

Is being absolutely 'in the closet' that important to you?

[unphase]

I know, but little about those experiences is pretty. Or easily categorized. But part of the problem is that it's shaken my confidence in myself to a degree I hadn't fully realized until I was outside of the situation.

One of the few people who knew what happened has since left. I have another friend I think I could confide in, but she's been through so much on her own. I don't want to make her shoulder my burden as well.

To a large degree, yes. People are used to one kind of behavior from me. I don't want to disillusion them.

Text; un: anonymous

[survivalthroughhate]

I've heard the term several times before but no one has actually explained or described to me WHAT such a condition means.

[The last person who had mentioned it to Maul had made it clear they thought he might possess a form of it. But he'd never asked any further questions, not when there was more important matter at hand, as there often was in Trench.]

[ezra_of_lothal]

To be fair, it's a complicated topic. I'll give explaining a shot.

Having experienced something horrible, frightening, life threatening, something where threats or coercion reduce our choices, we feel violated, whether they are a one time thing, or long term, repeated - these are sometimes called traumatic events.

But not *all* traumatic events lead to PTSD. Sometimes a bad thing happens, the memory remains close in your thoughts for days, weeks, a month or two. You may grieve a loss. But the fear, or anger, or sadness while it may not - probably won't - be entirely gone, it doesn't usually flash to surface with the same intensity, after a while. Bad dreams fade. The acuteness of the trauma passes. The damage to your mind and spirit heal, I suppose you could say, cleanly.

But sometimes, much like a bone that wasn't set correctly, or an infected bodily wound, it doesn't heal so well. And there aren't necessarily identifiable reasons, per se. It can happen to anyone, and sometimes events that may *seem* not so bad can linger and the same person can experience something more obviously sharp and shocking but recover better from that. There's some indication that how much control and support a person has in the *aftermath* matter quite a bit.

It's a continuum, of course, and many different ways this can present. But if nightmares don't go away. If your base moods seem changed for the longer term, and it impacts your life in ways you don't want, like the person who posted here. If you hear a sound, smell a scent, some other reminder, years later, and it's like you're back in past, maybe even to the point you aren't aware of what happening in the present, in the grips of the memory -

These are all a few examples of lingering effects, patterns are may be given the label of PTSD.

[survivalthroughhate]

I've never had anyone explain such a thing to me before but this makes a lot of sense. Almost all of what you said is something that I can resonate with. It explains much of why I react the way I do to certain specific stimuli.

It is exactly like you said. When I'm put into situations that bear a close resemblance to instances from my past where I was terrified, it is like I am right back in that moment in time, and sometimes lose contact with the present.

[He was just going to go lie down now for about three hours and contemplate this revelation. This had completely shaken up his world. The last time he'd felt this shocked was when Karkat had explained the four kinds of love that trolls experienced, which had helped him realize he was in love with Obi-Wan.]

[ezra_of_lothal]

I'm sorry you've been dealing with that. However, I hope knowing this is something other people experience helps.

Like, I said, I'm still learning a lot, but if you have more questions, I'll do my best to answer, or point you to resources, ok?

[Text] un: justanadventurer

[aetherweaver]

I'm sorry you went through that.

Do you have things you like doing? You don't have to tell me what they are if you don't want to.

I tend to train to distract myself when I feel those things raising their heads but it might not be the best option for some people.

I've heard that creating - music, art, dance - can be a great help. I'm not very artistic myself, I'm afraid.

[unphase]

Thank you for your kindness, though I shouldn't have expected anything else.

I like dance. Though partners are few and far between. That doesn't stop me from wanting to find dance partners, though.

I have a hard time focusing on the happiness of others. It only reminds me of what I lost. No matter how I focus on the good--or bad--fortunes of others.

What kind of painting did you have in mind?

[aetherweaver]

Well at least you should be able to find some partners at the clubs... or on the network, if you're happier to dance with Sleepers.

You said it's been a year. That's not a very long time in the grand scheme of things. You may need to give yourself some more distance from your trauma in order to deal with it. I'm not certain.

Painting? Oh... well, most of what I can draw are spell diagrams, but I'd like to be able to depict the people and places from home that I miss.

[unphase]

I go to the clubs a lot, but that's more club dancing. The kind which helps the most is more structured. But I don't want to put on a performance which is just me dancing, it feels too self-indulgent.

I suppose it isn't. I'm going to be older in these other worlds than I was back home, which is its own source of pain. And I was in the world other than this one for nearly four long, miserable years.

Those sounds like good forms of relief. Are you a self-taught artist?

[aetherweaver]

Maybe you can put some music on with your Omni and try it at home, then?

I can't tell you that it's definitely going to get better. But I can tell you that what I've read seems to suggest that at least talking to someone about it can help. Just putting it in your own words can do wonders... maybe you can write it down?

Oh, I wouldn't claim to be an artist... I have a friend who can draw portraits very well. Compared to him I'm scribbling. But the spell diagrams I was taught from books and from my guildmates. The other things... yes, very much self-taught.

Text; un: anonymous

[survivalthroughhate]

If you hear of any good suggestions, I would be glad to know as well. My normal coping mechanisms, I have come to realize, are very unhealthy and I need new ones that aren't nearly so self-destructive.

[Maul was at least aware enough now to understand that lashing out at others because he was the one in pain wasn't the right way to go about things at all.]

[unphase]

I'll be sure to pass them along. My own coping methods aren't terribly healthy, either, repressing the pain over and over and over again. I feel rather like something that might explode at the wrong moment. And that's not something which can be afforded, given all of the situations we inevitably find ourselves in.

[survivalthroughhate]

Yes, that is how I feel as well, only I tended to lash out at people before because I was hurting and wanted them to be hurt as well. Only recently have I learned just how wrong that kind of thinking can be.

[unphase]

I do the opposite, I self-flagellate until I can't feel anything at all. Then I kind of go in autopilot mode, reacting the way I think people expect me to. That isn't healthy, either. But I'm glad you realized what was going on and have taken steps to resolve it. It's never too late to make a positive change.

[survivalthroughhate]

I have learned that as well. One can always strive to become a better person if they really want to. It's not easy to make such an attempt but with persistence a genuine change can be made.

text; un: price is right (cw for drug use mention)

[tagartist]

smoke a lot of weed
get high enough and the panic can't catch up

that was a joke in case it wasn't clear (altho seriously the weed does help)

anyway
there's some bullshit method of focusing on your five senses to reground urself in the middle of a panic attack
yknow shit like
"name one thing you can taste, name two things you can smell, name three things you can hear" and so on and so forth

oh chewing on/smelling something with a hella strong flavor like coffee beans or peppercorn or things like that
that's a good one for disassociation especially

Re: text; un: price is right (cw for drug use mention)

[unphase]

I'd love to.
The problem is, I don't know where to find weed here.

LOL, it honestly would!

I'd never heard of that method before, but it sounds like it would really help. Engaging my senses to take me out of the moment where I feel overwhelmed by the past is a really good idea. Thank you!

Do you think peppermint leaves would help? I'm not so fond of coffee. I'm more neutral on pepper, so that would be fine, but I grow peppermint for tea.

[tagartist]

i mean ik you're anon, but i've got some i can share
and peter's a good source too
hooked me up soon as i got here
which is hilarious since i used to be his dealer in the dream. the student becomes the teacher or whatever

yeah i mean mint's pretty strong so i don't see why not, it's just gotta do the job of snapping you back into your head

[unphase]

I'm willing to come off anon as long as we keep the connection private and you don't tell anyone who I am.
I have too much invested in seeming like I'm completely in control all of the time.
I don't know who Peter is, though.

I'll go with mint, then. It's easily accessible.

[tagartist]

whatever makes u comfy girlfriend
peter graham
he's like anxiety in a human form
but a good guy