deernet | [Text] [Anonymous] | Shadowbringers/Endwalker Spoilers

[Everything seems... frustrating. Everything seems like it's stewing. He wanders around, trying to find something to do other than swatting bugs and killing (and sometimes saving) beasts.]

[But is everything really... how it's supposed to be? He's not sure. He takes a crystal out of his pocket and stares at it for a while. He's not sure how to use the magic here - he's tried, but maybe because it crosses the rift he can't call upon others? He huffs in frustration, curling up a little bit.]

]But he doesn't let go of the crystal. This crystal, which means so much to him, that came to him through a twist of fate. ... But was it really fate? Or was it always going to happen?]

[Eventually, he grabs his omni and writes out a post. Anonymously, because... well. He doesn't want people to worry. Even if it'll probably be obvious that it's him...]

Is who you were in the past important to who you are now?

I would have said yes, but some days... some days I'm not sure. I don't know anymore.

Everything's so complicated and I don't even know if who I was is who I am now...

Maybe this was stupid to ask. Sorry.

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They were more stubs as a child but yes. We had to make our own fun since I didn't grow up in a town.

[ .. well, it's not like Chizuru is going to be the one to question that. She wouldn't want to invalidate anyone else's feelings, after all.

So maybe the only thing she can instead ask is.. ]

and there is nothing anyone can do to make it less scary for you
?

Even in a town, most kids have to make their own fun. It's part of being a kid. I preferred make-believe to anything really active. I didn't have friends, though, so...

I don't... know. I tend to be guarded with the things that I'm actually scared of.

I just don't want anyone else to be hurt by my own pain.

I preferred reading. But I at least had my sisters to keep me company, even if they teased me a lot.

I didn't have siblings but I did enjoy a good book or two. I always felt like reading and make-believe went hand-in-hand.

I didn't have many available and most of mine were nonfiction. I've always wanted to discover the truths of the world.

I ended up with more than I bargained for.

Man. Yeah. That's what it comes down to, doesn't it.
I really wish that I had a better answer or that I had... like, ANY answer for this.
When I have so many people swirling around my head, it gets really hard learning how to define myself without relying on the expectations of other people.
And I still don't know if I figured out a real answer or if I just kind of pushed through it until I pretended it stopped bothering me.

Misery, company, etc. That might be the best real answer I have here. Both of us are fucked up in ways that work well enough together that we can have good conversations about it.

in that case i suppose i can not say much
just

[ A pause, though there's the indication that Chizuru is typing - and probably erasing her message a few times before actually sending: ]

take care

They say ignorance is bliss, you know. [ When you look for the truth, you accept the fact that it may very well be more than you ever expected or desired. ]

I can understand the many people swirling around. It's hard.

At least there's that? At least it's allowing us to put our burdens down, if only just a little bit.

I think I'd rather know than not know, regardless. It's always easier to fight things that you understand.

Even if it's not emotionally easier, all the time.

That's an awful lot to put on one person, and a complicated frame of mind to live in. No wonder. But you're still not very far removed from that life, either. A year is no time at all.

I think because of the fact that you want to makes it from you. Your actions are your own, I'd consider that being from yourself, not him.

That's true. A lot of people aren't prepared for the truth when they seek it out. It can be hard to deal with.

Yeah.
And who knows, maybe one day you and I will have a conversation where one of us isn't walled up behind some anonymous thing like wine in a friend's basement.
Could be fun.

Sure beats having to confront this stuff in a wave of blood and bodies like when I first showed up here, though.

No, I'm not. It feels like a long time and a short time all at once. I don't know - there are people here who have been here for several years.

You're probably right. I'm probably overthinking it. I'm trying not to, but it's a bad habit of mine.

It can be. History often is unkind - to everyone. Victories turn into defeats turn into disasters. But we keep going all the same, because that's what people do.

Might be nice. But that would involve confronting feelings which is difficult.

Also that sounds like a reference I don't understand, with the wine.

... What happened when you first showed up?

It's from a horror poet/author from back home. Around this time last year I got disgustingly into him.
Like it was a compulsion, almost! (It was. It was a bad time. But he writes good stories.)

Anyway, yeah, when I first showed up, uh.
I had to talk about my feelings after Never Mind transported me to a river full of blood and the corpses of my loved ones.
And the longer I went without talking about the corpses, the worse they decomposed.
Fun way to jostle my brain into how this place works.

And not everyone is cut out for that unkindness. It says something about you that you know that and keep looking.

Well, he did die in a sense from what you’ve said, even if you were the result at the end. It would make sense some would have trouble reconciling your new form with the old.

I've been called a fool. Maybe I am. But I'd rather assume the best than the worst out of people.

I'm more of a nonfiction person, but I'm trying to get more into fiction. I'm more curious about settings than anything else, though.

Oh, that one! I've... seen that before. It wasn't... fun. At all. It was very awkward, in fact.

No, it really wasn't fun. Sorry you had to go through it too.
Did you catch the original showing or last year's rerun?
You know, in the middle of the Hidden Town, Somehow With Even More Blood arc that everyone loved.

Just asking because I still don't think I know how long you've been here. And if you've been here as long as I have, I'm gonna feel real embarrassed.
'Cause I think I'm one of the oldest newbies here.

I think that's admirable but I'm the opposite so... [ She's gotten better since she arrived here but... she still has so much distrust within her. ]

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[Text] [Anonymous] | Shadowbringers/Endwalker Spoilers

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