deernet | [Text] [Anonymous] | Shadowbringers/Endwalker Spoilers

[Everything seems... frustrating. Everything seems like it's stewing. He wanders around, trying to find something to do other than swatting bugs and killing (and sometimes saving) beasts.]

[But is everything really... how it's supposed to be? He's not sure. He takes a crystal out of his pocket and stares at it for a while. He's not sure how to use the magic here - he's tried, but maybe because it crosses the rift he can't call upon others? He huffs in frustration, curling up a little bit.]

]But he doesn't let go of the crystal. This crystal, which means so much to him, that came to him through a twist of fate. ... But was it really fate? Or was it always going to happen?]

[Eventually, he grabs his omni and writes out a post. Anonymously, because... well. He doesn't want people to worry. Even if it'll probably be obvious that it's him...]

Is who you were in the past important to who you are now?

I would have said yes, but some days... some days I'm not sure. I don't know anymore.

Everything's so complicated and I don't even know if who I was is who I am now...

Maybe this was stupid to ask. Sorry.

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I did too. I'm not quite sure how much time passed - a few months, maybe? But no time passed here - give or take a few days. And yes, agreed. It's like lifting a weight you haven't in a while - you notice how heavy it is.

... I think I have to. Even if I don't want to.

Mm.
I wish it were an easier choice for me. I'm still thinking about it.
The thing I hated about going home, or at least the way that it was presented to me, is that I didn't remember anything about Trench while I was there.

If I leave here, I don't ever want to forget it.
No matter what horrible things have happened to me since I washed up nearly two years ago.
It's as much a part of me as everything else I've ever done.

Of course it is. Everything that happens to you is a part of you. The idea of losing memories is... scary, to me. I've seen it happen and I don't like it.

I wouldn't want to forget the people and places here either. I've learned so much - my world is very different than this one in some ways, and I love learning things. I suppose I'm a bit of a nerd...

But it's the people most of all that I wouldn't want to forget.

Yeah. The people I've met here... I wouldn't trade them for the world.
~~Of course, when you're actually looking at~~

[she gets halfway through that and deletes it. it's too real right now.]

They've changed me and I'd like to think that I've changed them, too.
They'll leave a mark on me whatever happens.
I think that's a good way to find out your own identity, too. Just... looking at the way that others have helped you carry your burden.
The things you've learned from them and stuff like that.

I suppose it could be helpful that way. I'm just worried... that I don't know who I am at my core. Not defined by others.

... But I wouldn't give up the bonds I have. They've saved me again and again... and I don't know what I'd do without them.

I want to be there for them. I'm just afraid of losing myself.

Man. Yeah. That's what it comes down to, doesn't it.
I really wish that I had a better answer or that I had... like, ANY answer for this.
When I have so many people swirling around my head, it gets really hard learning how to define myself without relying on the expectations of other people.
And I still don't know if I figured out a real answer or if I just kind of pushed through it until I pretended it stopped bothering me.

Misery, company, etc. That might be the best real answer I have here. Both of us are fucked up in ways that work well enough together that we can have good conversations about it.

I can understand the many people swirling around. It's hard.

At least there's that? At least it's allowing us to put our burdens down, if only just a little bit.

Yeah.
And who knows, maybe one day you and I will have a conversation where one of us isn't walled up behind some anonymous thing like wine in a friend's basement.
Could be fun.

Sure beats having to confront this stuff in a wave of blood and bodies like when I first showed up here, though.

Might be nice. But that would involve confronting feelings which is difficult.

Also that sounds like a reference I don't understand, with the wine.

... What happened when you first showed up?

It's from a horror poet/author from back home. Around this time last year I got disgustingly into him.
Like it was a compulsion, almost! (It was. It was a bad time. But he writes good stories.)

Anyway, yeah, when I first showed up, uh.
I had to talk about my feelings after Never Mind transported me to a river full of blood and the corpses of my loved ones.
And the longer I went without talking about the corpses, the worse they decomposed.
Fun way to jostle my brain into how this place works.

I'm more of a nonfiction person, but I'm trying to get more into fiction. I'm more curious about settings than anything else, though.

Oh, that one! I've... seen that before. It wasn't... fun. At all. It was very awkward, in fact.

No, it really wasn't fun. Sorry you had to go through it too.
Did you catch the original showing or last year's rerun?
You know, in the middle of the Hidden Town, Somehow With Even More Blood arc that everyone loved.

Just asking because I still don't think I know how long you've been here. And if you've been here as long as I have, I'm gonna feel real embarrassed.
'Cause I think I'm one of the oldest newbies here.

The repeat. I've only been here about a year. I know that there are plenty of people who have been here a lot longer than me.

I'm just... tired of a lot of this. I kind of want to shake the ptumerians, but I don't think that'd do any good.

Yeah, no, I think Riteior tried doing that and it just ended up real bad for them.
And I think I know a guy who tried to kill the Reckoning and got his ass smote big time.
I don't know if there's much point in trying to fight them. No matter how tired we all are of this stuff.
There's a few we can learn to live with. October's usually a bad time for me, but having Cloverfield here can help out, you know? They're not all terrible.

The ones that are, though...

October is my blessed month, it seems. It's when my birthday falls, at least when converted to this world's calendar. So I don't mind it quite as much, but... well. Any month can be terrible here.

The ones that are terrible are... exhausting. I don't understand people who delight in cruelty, no matter what species they are.

Fucking honestly, dude.
I've dealt with enough cruelty in my life that I couldn't do anything about.
Hell, the past... six years of it back home have been bad enough, but you can't take a sword to the kind of problems I was dealing with there.
(Not without getting a bunch of government agencies on your ass.)

Anyway, yeah, I'm just glad we're all in this together and in general we're all trying to find a better way to live for everyone.
That shouldn't be such a hard fucking prospect (rising tide lifts all boats and all that) but jesus, man, it's a relief to have that here.

Ah, government. Sometimes helpful, often just a pain in the arse.

Less of a thing where you're from, then?

[Text] [Anonymous] | Shadowbringers/Endwalker Spoilers

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