005 // text; un: meereskönigin

[hauntedsavior]

[this, too, is a semi-anonymous post, though anna has used this username once before, nearly a year ago. she doubts anyone is left to recognize it, but given how things usually go, she'll just give herself away anyway.]

This place by the sea that so few will get the chance to see, and fewer still by the day.
Some of us might have begun calling it home by now.
And for a lot of us, it really did feel that way, didn't it?
Compelled to remain here, to treat this place as though we belong even though all of us are as outside to the whole system as Mariana is to us.
But not anymore. And maybe that's also the blessing of a Pthumerian. Freeing us from chains we couldn't even tell were around our necks.
Or maybe it's a curse. The curse of choice.

I'll spare you too much flowery bullshit.
If you had the chance to return home, would you take it?
Your true home. Where you came from before you washed up here.
Knowing what you know now. Knowing what you knew then.

Show your work.

Comments

text - UN: IceCream

[threelayers]

Oooh a poet and I didn't even know it!

[... Neo, everybody.]

I'm staying.
I talked about it about a week ago, but I learned what's coming.
And it's awful, but it also ends in a way that I'm ok with.
But, and this is a very big but.

I got to where I needed to be here too.
And if the "other me" is going to get there, she can do it the way she has to.
I don't want to lose what I became here.

So, I guess I'm the Other Me?
Or she is. Doesn't matter really.

What about you?

[hauntedsavior]

Yes, I saw you talking about it.
I'm glad that you're so certain. I would love to have that kind of certainty for myself.
I'm still deciding.
After having spent a month at home with barely any time passing here, I don't know what I want.
I would say "anymore" but that implies I knew at any point in the past.

I think it would depend on whether I could bring anyone with me.

(private) text | un: graham crackers (cw: themes & associations of suicide / choosing not to exist)

[possessum]

( It's something Peter has thought about, again and again and again. It's complicated — it's so complicated, and the kneejerk is to shirk away from this just because it hurts already.

But he doesn't. Maybe there are things he should talk about. Things he can talk about now, a little bit better than before. Slowly, over time. He doesn't immediately realise who he's speaking to, but there's certainly something to the fact that Peter has found himself in Anna's orbit, in some shape or form, over these past couple of years. That's there's been an outlet to talk to when maybe he's needed it the most. )

I can't go back
I know there's no Me there anymore

But sometimes I still wonder if that's what I should do
Let that happen


There may stop being a Me here, too. Someday.
But I have someone I love here
I don't know if this place is home to me. I wish I felt more like it was, but.... it doesn't

But I know she's home. So I just
hold onto that


Do you think this place is a second chance?

[hauntedsavior]

I think it's easy to see this place as a second chance.
There are things here that I definitely thought were my second chances at certain parts of my life.
But when I first came here, it felt more like... a sequel for a movie that nobody asked for and no one wanted very much.
I don't think I still feel that way.

I think that love is the most powerful thing to influence this decision.
And if you have a life, and you have a love, especially when you can't guarantee that you'll have either at home, then that makes the choice easy.
Or it should, I guess.

Can I ask more about your love?

[Text] un: justanadventurer

[aetherweaver]

I have to go back. Somehow. I made a promise that I'd do something, and I can't break that.

I'd miss people here, but there's too much to do there. ... And too much to see. I promised I'd do that, too.

[hauntedsavior]

So much to do, so much to see.
The bards from home had a song about this.

Promises that lead our way back home... yours is probably more important than mine.
But I have one of those myself. I know how important they can be.

You seem fairly certain, but would it change anything to be able to bring someone with you?

[Text] un: secondtolast

[icanhearscreams]

Well, I'm dead there. So that takes that out of the running.

But even if I could... I wouldn't. I know there's someone who'll miss me, but anyone else who might miss me is also dead.

There are more people who would miss me here than there.

[hauntedsavior]

My condolences.
This place being an escape from death does make the question a little easier to answer, admittedly.
There's not much appeal in returning home to fill a casket.

Can I ask about the kind of people you have here?
What kind of bonds are you forging to keep you in Trench?

Text | un: lookingglass

[payingfordeliverance]

When I first arrived in this place, the notion that this new life was supposed to be a gift felt like a slap to the face. It was not the first time I had awakened somewhere new, cut off from the people and places I'd once known, and started over with next to nothing. And, that second life I left behind was not one I wished to leave.

I accepted it because of the compulsion, but also because in the world I came from, I am dead. With my role in that story complete, wishing to keep going there felt useless, even as I couldn't help but imagine it.

It has been nearly two years for me now. I still mourn that life, just as I still grieve the one that came before, and I long for beloved faces I may well never see again. However, I have found that I have a role in other stories here, with people I would never have crossed paths with if this world had not overcome the impossibility of it all. To have met those people, and to learn the ways we are able to understand one another, is something that I treasure.

Because of that, for all its faults, I am unable to hate this world.

[hauntedsavior]

It's interesting, isn't it?
I've viewed myself as someone just playing a role in other people's stories, too. Sometimes as a lead, sometimes as supporting cast, sometimes as an extra.
But there are no small parts, right? Just small actors.

I'm sorry that your time where you come from has come to an end, but I'm very glad that you were able to find more roles to play here.
I suppose asking something like this when so many people are dead at home is kind of a moot question. I really never knew how much of a problem it was.
Would you mind if I ask who these other people are for you?

text; UN: shiro

[shiro2hero]

At this point...?

I really don't know.

Going back means losing so much - people, memories, an entire relationship. I know I have things I need to do back home. A duty to do. But on the other hand? Time stands still there, doesn't it? If I ever decide, then - hey. It'll be ready for me.

[hauntedsavior]

I suppose it does stand still, doesn't it?
We could take as much time as we need here.
See more of the people and the places that surround us now.
Assuming the Pthumerians would even grant us this option -- it's nothing but a thought experiment for now, isn't it.

Does time stand still for us, is the question.
I didn't notice. But I haven't been here long enough to change too dramatically, at least physically, so I doubt I would notice.
If time only stops for the world and not for us, how would we explain it to others if we did go home?

text; UN: Dovahkiin

[fusrodaaaah]

no

no i

i dont want to go back there
i like it here better

[hauntedsavior]

There is a lot to like here, difficult though it may be sometimes.
Your home must be a rough place indeed if occasional attacks from gods and corrupted blood plagues are an improvement.
I'm sorry that you had to live like that for so long.
What's your favorite thing about this place compared to home?

un: eudaimonikos | text

[eudaimonikos]

I've got a job to get back to.

[like, rip to all y'all with deep complex feelings about this or whatever!]

[hauntedsavior]

Ha. Capitalism never sleeps.
And if I remember correctly from the last time we spoke all those months ago, you have quite the impressive job, don't you?
I hope the eternal dread machine has been able to keep its gears moving without you.
(Which, I recognize, is a very strange thing to hope.)

text; un: ushiromiya

[entreats]

[ Is a German username truly that anonymous, Anna. Is it.

Though it's hard to tell whether or not Ange is really thinking about that when she sends a message, given that there's no hint towards it in the words. ]

Didn't a lot of us already make that choice a long time ago?

[hauntedsavior]

[please grant her this.]

Maybe we did.
I'm just trying to figure out if the new information has changed anyone's minds.
Made the decision any easier. Or any harder.

text | un: deku

[wannasmash]

[ Oh hey, it's that anon with the German username again. He can't even tell if this is the same one as last time since he has no memory for a language he knows nothing of, but the writing is the same. The same sort of cadence and apology for poetry. ]

the choice hasn't changed for me.
i always thought there was another version of me back home, though i didn't have much proof.
i only knew that i stayed here in a cocoon while the original me lived his life, and that for the most part, those memories were true for others from home too.
like alternate universes in comics. do you have comics where you come from?

anyway, i know the me back home would keep his promises, so i'll keep mine here.

[hauntedsavior]

We do have comics, but I've never read many.
I'm familiar with alternate universes, though. It's hard not to be when you've spent so much time here in Trench, wouldn't you say?

What did you promise, Deku?

text: un; just.rey

[forcedbonding]

It depends on what someone else wants. I don't want to go back to us going at each other's throats all the time.

[hauntedsavior]

Ah, the "there are two different versions of myself" issue. I understand.
I can't trust the version of myself at home to do the same things I would do here, if she even exists.
I come from a unique situation and I don't entirely believe that there are two of me.
But I would be glad to be wrong.

You've patched things up with your mortal enemy, then, I assume.
And it's going well?

text: un; apparition

[unphase]

I'm going home. I have a son to raise and a husband to enlighten. I can't do either of that from here.

[hauntedsavior]

Family makes the choice that easy for you?
I'm surprised.
Family is at the root of what makes this decision so hard for me.
How long have you been with them? How long without?

text: un; an.observer

[thisislife]

I'm staying. I'm bonded with Luz and I couldn't be happier about that. And here, I can be myself without anyone judging me by my sister's standards.

[hauntedsavior]

Congratulations to you and Luz.
I'm very sorry that your sister has made things like this impossible for you.
A family who loves you for who you are is one of the most important things that we can have.
I never want to see my parents again for the same reason.

Pardon the bluntness, but:
Is it hard to be openly gay where you're from or is your sister just an asshole?

text; un: dux

[lludw]

[After considering his various usernames, Lucius ultimately decides on the one he tries to keep the most separate from himself. And which, as it happens, he responded to a post with a mysterious German username with before.]

Being from a place hardly makes it a 'true home.'

[hauntedsavior]

[ah, she remembers network user dux. at least these circumstances are a little less miserable. so far.]

An excellent point.
Thinking of it the way that I put it, I really am describing a different place than what I meant.
What would you call a true home, then?

Text; un: darkness

[survivalthroughhate]

Absolutely not. There is nothing left in my galaxy for me except more years of pain and sadness until I finally die, the only time when I will find peace. This is my home now. The only future I want is with my family and friends here.

[hauntedsavior]

In your entire galaxy, huh?
I'm sorry to hear that.
It sounds like anything might be an improvement, in that case.
If nothing else, I'm glad you don't have to focus on the so-called peace that death brings.
I've had enough of it in my life to know that it's never quite as kind as you'd hope.

[ text | un: shinigami ]

[divine_braid]

I only just got here, but I'm not sure, yet, if I want to leave. Things where I am are kind of settled, you know? I'm not sure what's even left to do for someone like me.

I mean, I'll miss my friends and stuff. I'm kind of alone here. But I've been in that spot before. I'll make it work.

[hauntedsavior]

If there's one thing I was not expecting Trench to be very good at,
It's finding me people to care about.
We are not as large a town as we once were, but those who are here... well. I know exactly what I would do for them.
If you'd like to remain here then you will not be wanting in people to meet.

[ text | un: keith ]

[tempredmental]

Would you go home

[hauntedsavior]

If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn't be posting this maudlin crap to the network under a fake username.