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( video | un: duckling )
[ the feed comes on by itself. ahiru hasn't realized she's turned it on as she's pouring over these pamphlets intently, talking out loud because that's just how she functions. ]
Okay, so to get food, I need to make money. To make money, I need a job . . . What do they have?
[ she looks over the first pamphlet. ]
Healer! That doesn't sound so bad! Something something . . . "mini . . . ministration . . ." Blood? Eugh, no.
[ she tosses that one aside. ]
Next one . . . Hunter.
[ a beat. she stares at it. it stares back at her as if it knows her secret. she immediately scrunches it up, tossing into the trash can because she's not an animal.
( just a bird. that people may hunt?? duck confit is a thing. ) ]
This one! This'll be the one! Arcane scholars . . . "They either wish to consume all the knowledge they can or share all the knowledge that they can." . . .
[ another beat. she sighs. ]
Well, I'm not smart enough to be one of those. Aaaah! I'm never going to get a job! I'm going to starve! I'll never be able to have bread agaaaaain.
[ doom is clearly at hand. ]
Okay, so to get food, I need to make money. To make money, I need a job . . . What do they have?
[ she looks over the first pamphlet. ]
Healer! That doesn't sound so bad! Something something . . . "mini . . . ministration . . ." Blood? Eugh, no.
[ she tosses that one aside. ]
Next one . . . Hunter.
[ a beat. she stares at it. it stares back at her as if it knows her secret. she immediately scrunches it up, tossing into the trash can because she's not an animal.
( just a bird. that people may hunt?? duck confit is a thing. ) ]
This one! This'll be the one! Arcane scholars . . . "They either wish to consume all the knowledge they can or share all the knowledge that they can." . . .
[ another beat. she sighs. ]
Well, I'm not smart enough to be one of those. Aaaah! I'm never going to get a job! I'm going to starve! I'll never be able to have bread agaaaaain.
[ doom is clearly at hand. ]
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[ that's like three whole things!! ]
Rocks aren't half as good.
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OKAY, YES, THEY FUCKING ARE. HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN A COOL ROCK BEFORE? LOOK AT THIS PRIMO SHIT. IT IS THE COOLEST ROCK IN THE UNIVERSE:
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on the other. ]
Is that a real rock . . . with sunglasses.
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(Man, Dave really did rub off on him. He would be so proud of this joke right now.)
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LIKE YOU COULD DO ANY BETTER.
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You're right. You're a pretty amazing artist.
I'll admit maybe some rocks are cool, okay?
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I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE STUPID. APPARENTLY, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY THAT STUPID IF YOU CAN RECOGNIZE SUCH SPLENDOR WHEN IT IS PRESENTED TO YOU.
I CONCEDE THAT SOME FLOWERS ARE OKAY. I HAVE HONESTLY NOT SEEN THAT MANY.
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[ she is, after all, just a duck playing at being human. ]
I could get you some if you want? You can be my first flower crown person!
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I DO NOT WANT A FLOWER CROWN, BUT I WILL ACCEPT ONE. ONLY IF IT IS RED, BLACK, GRAY, AND/OR WHITE. ANY OTHER COLOR WILL BE DESTROYED IMMEDIATELY.
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And I guess everything? I go to ballet school.
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IS IT A WEAPON
IT SOUNDS LIKE MALLET.
(He is definitely not reading that correctly.)
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WHAT THE SHIT.
THIS LOOKS METAL AS HELL. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HUMANS COULD DO THAT.
YOU WOULD ACTUALLY PROBABLY MAKE A GOOD FIGHTER IF YOU CAN ACTUALLY DO HALF THE STUFF I AM WATCHING.
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[ like fakir. he combines ballet and fighting. ]
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I'M ALL FOR SELF-DEGRADATION ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEONE DESERVES IT BECAUSE THEY SUCK SO MUCH.
TRUST ME.
I THINK SOME PEOPLE SHOULD HATE THEMSELVES AS MUCH AS THEY DO, AND HELL, I EVEN RELATE. I HATE MYSELF PLENTY TOO, AND THAT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL.
BUT BITCH, YOU NEED TO AT LEAST LEARN TO LIE ABOUT BEING GOOD AT SOMETHING.
THERE IS THIS PHRASE "FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT" AND SOME PEOPLE NEVER MAKE IT, BUT AT LEAST THEY GET FURTHER ALONG THE ROAD.
OR IN THIS CASE, THE METAPHORICAL DANCE STAGE.
IT'S ALSO REALLY BORING TO TROLL SOMEONE WHO IS THIS DOWN ON THEMSELVES.
YOU REMIND ME OF ONE OF MY MORE PATHETIC FRIENDS.
SO, GAIN SOME FAKE CONFIDENCE SO I CAN ABSOLUTELY ROAST THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE I AM JUST BULLYING A TODDLER.
WHICH, DON'T GET ME WRONG, THE IDEA OF MAKING WIGGLERS CRY IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING IN EVERY WAY, BUT IT'S BENEATH ME AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.
THERE ARE BIGGER FISH TO FUCK WITH, YOU KNOW?
I'M BEYOND THAT PETTY LOW-BROW PUNCHING.
(This is the most rambling, stupid pep speech ever given.)
1/???
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which equals . . . ]
4/4 END
[ see, she got it. ]