deernet | 002 // text; username: grollschwert

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002 // text; username: grollschwert

cw: chronic illness, ruminations on death

Fun one for you tonight.

[this message comes in the middle of the night, when no one in their right mind should be awake. but that's never stopped anna. she can't sleep, and if flynn and ruby and everybody are right then she has to at least try not to keep this stuff inside her at all times. sorrow's silence we needn't bear, or whatever.]

You know a girl. Her body is breaking down and her meds are failing her.
She has years left. Maybe months, if it gets worse.
But something happens, and she gets access to amazing new technology. Things that prevent her body from attacking itself.
Things that stop her timer from ticking faster than everyone else's.
Great, right?
You get to know her better. You entertain her little crush on you. Maybe you like her back a little and maybe things aren't gonna be so bad.

But one day, you do something.
Something that sets off a chain of events that you couldn't have predicted. Not in a million years.
Small things collide into medium things collide into big huge massive things.
And after the butterfly version of you is done flapping its wings, she doesn't have access to that technology anymore.
She's back on the timer.

She doesn't know you did anything.
She never finds out.
You can't bring yourself to tell her, and she wouldn't believe it if you did.

She barely recognizes you anymore, by the end of it.
Her family finds your name on her phone and invites you to pay respects.

Do you still go to her funeral?

Did you kill her?

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THERE IS NO POINT IN THINKING ABOUT CIRCUMSTANTIAL TIMELINES OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN. THAT IS A ONE-WAY TICKET TO INESCAPABLE MENTAL ANGUISH AND THAT'S NOT A TRAIN YOU WANT TO CATCH.

THIS POST DOESN'T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR REWASHING THINGS BETTER LEFT WHERE THEY ARE IN THE PAST.

ARE YOU OKAY?

If you've got a better idea of what to do when your brain won't shut up in the middle of the night, I'd love to hear it.

I'm fine.

[a long pause, and then a second text.]

I'm fucking not fine.

I USUALLY MAKE A LOT OF HUMILIATING PUBLIC MEMOS EXACTLY LIKE THIS. OR CODE. OR GO AND FIGHT SOMETHING. OR I GUESS TALK TO A SIGNIFICANT OTHER IF ONE IS AROUND. OR CRAWL UP INSIDE OF MY FRIENDS' SPHINCTERS TO INVADE AND DOMINATE THEIR TIME AND PATIENCE.

YEAH, I PUT THAT TOGETHER. DO YOU WANT TO GO FUCK SOMETHING UP?

Don't know if adding more blood to things is gonna help, but that's just a wild guess.
And I definitely don't know anyone with an asshole big enough to fit me, so that's basically everything else off the table.
You usually feel any better after making an ass of yourself for an audience?
Like, scale of one to ten.

WE DON'T HAVE TO KILL ANYTHING. WE CAN GO WHIP ROCKS AT THE OCEAN OR SOMETHING. THERE IS ALSO CUDDLING IN A PILE. THAT'S ALWAYS A TOP-NOTCH WAY FOR STRESS RELIEF.

HEY, YOU DON'T KNOW THE CAPACITY OF MY BODY AND THE ABILITY TO SHOVE OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE UP IN IT.

IF I'M BEING REAL WITH YOU, A SOLID ONE OF NOT AT ALL, BUT IT DOES SOMETIMES HELP ME REORIENT MYSELF AND COME TO A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF MY OWN FEELINGS AND THAT PART CAN HELP A LOT. EVEN IF IT HELPS LATER DOWN THE LINE, BUT TIME IS RELATIVE.

[she will. take everything else under consideration. but if there's one thing karkat has done, it's making her laugh for the first time in a bit. just from how ridiculous the shit he's saying is.]

All right.
I could fuck around and throw some stuff at a lake with you.
Might be nice to see if you're the same way in real life as you are online.

Plus I already kind of admitted I feel like shit.
Name the place and I'll get to a lamp.

THAT WATER WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S COMING. LITERALLY. WATER IS NON-SENTIENT LIKE A DUMBASS.
OH, I AM MUCH MORE TERRIFYING IN PERSON THAN I AM ONLINE, I ASSURE YOU.

YEAH, YOU DID, IT'S OKAY THOUGH. ONE PAP FROM ME AND YOU'LL FEEL A LITTLE BETTER. THAT'S NOT A COME-ON. I JUST LITERALLY HAVE POWERS THAT DO THAT NOW.

OKAY, JUST MEET ME AT THE BEACH. I'LL BE THERE OMINOUSLY STARING OUT OVER THE OCEAN LIKE SOME B-RATE LOVER WONDERING WHEN THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL RETURN FROM THE WAR. IT'LL BE AWESOME.

Oh damn, taking a page from the Cloverfield playbook. Nice.
See you soon.

[it doesn't take her long to get down to the beach. she's got a heavier longcoat on, one that sweeps along the warm sand and covers a lot of her body, though she's still got it open to reveal the band t-shirt and ripped jeans that she's got on. there's not a lot about her that outwardly says "robot" like this, though her blackened fingers and her leg, visible through the hole in her jeans, might be a hint. when she runs across someone doing exactly what karkat said he'd be doing, her footsteps stop.]

I don't know what papping is, but if you do it to me then I'm outta here.

[her voice is dry. it's spoken seriously, but she doesn't know if she'll have the energy to follow through on it if he tries.]

(Karkat's easy enough to find on the beach both on the account that he's the only dumbass willing to be out here when it's this cold, and also it's hard to miss a troll. He has gathered a pile of sweet rocks and is currently crouched down rooting for more. He's bundled up in a thick hoodie and some heavy pants. His own dark gray skin and yellow sclera are obvious even at a glance, and his red pupils even more so. Include the claws and these are just two obvious non-humans chilling in a human's world.

He's got his elbows on his knees when she approaches and he glares up at her - but after a second, it's clear that this is actually just his face. His mouth twitches, a bad overbite of fangs making it look more like a sneer, but then he's on his feet...

...And scowling for real. What the fuck. Why's she so much taller than him? He puts his hands on his hips as if it might boost him up a few inches. It does not work.)

Don't piss in the gift hoofbeast's eye. (None of that made any sense, Karkat.) Papping is prime comfort care and you're ungrateful as hell. You have no idea what these hands are capable of. (Shaking his own hands pointedly. Look at them, Anna, look at their potential for soothing!)

[ha. well, he wasn't lying about that incredibly specific height "brag". she doesn't really react, though; she's seen a lot of people in her time through a couple different worlds, and there's not much that can take her completely by surprise anymore. there's a hint of a smirk against his scowl, and her back straightens juuuust a little more. keep twistin', junior.]

Watch your fingers. I bite. [she doesn't, which should be clear by how she's still casually approaching him. once she's close enough to the pile—and to him, she guesses—she bends down to grab a rock in her hand and rolls it around in her palm for a bit. there might, at one point, have been venom in her words. but she is tired, and she is in pain.]

I don't like people touching me. Use real words and maybe I'll let you pap me.

Guarantee I bite harder. (As if to prove a point, he clicks his fangs together at her. He would rather die than put his mouth on some husk he's not familiar with, but she doesn't need to know that. He picks up his own rock, choosing what he thought was the best, and rotates it around between his hands. He started to relax once he realized she wasn't going to make any sort of deal about what he looked like.)

Yeah, I'm not really a fan of rando touching either. Calm your milkers. I'll only give my services if you actually want to bother trying them. (He peers over at her, nose crinkling up.) All words are real words, fuckbucket. Just because you're unfamiliar with my generous vernacular doesn't make them less valid. Idiot.

(Aren't you so glad you came out to throw rocks with him? In speaking of, he winds up and whips his rock out across the waves. He catches the surface pretty good and the rock skips a few times before vanishing into the water.)

All right, first off, my tits got blown off in the war, so that's insensitive.

[it's a tried and true line and it usually seems to get a reaction, so she leaves room for karkat to do exactly that while she hucks a stone of her own. she's significantly out of practice; it doesn't even skip once before plopping right down under. she frowns.]

If I wanted to get sworn at by a script kiddie at three in the morning, I'd still work tech support. [she picks up another rock and rolls it around in her hand a bit first. and decides to be an asshole about things, though she doesn't know quite how well it'll work given this place's whole deal with languages.] Verstehst du meine Wörter, smartass, oder bist du nur ein kleiner Rotzlöffel?

[if she's making a point with it, she realizes it would just be to prove his. but that doesn't matter.]

I somehow doubt you give a shit about how sensitive or insensitive that is, so fuck off with that.

(He rolls his eyes at her attempt because really. Blown-off body parts were all too common in troll culture that it doesn't even really phase him. If he could make fun of the kid in the wheelchair, he was definitely going to make fun of Miss Titless over here. He does snort when her stone fails to skip. Eat that.)

I'm not a kiddie, you decrepit hag. (Karkat looks over at her when she starts spewing what he's pretty sure is German. Fine. He opens up and starts speaking straight Alternian:)

(Ha! Try that on for size. He whips another rock out across the water.)

We can do this all night.

[anna just sighs, too exhausted to even give a very good fight right now. (even though she's the one who introduced it.) he's more prepared than she is and that much is obvious.]

Pull it back, Vantas. I didn't come out here for a fight. Depression and anger don't mix great with me. [without rising to the bait, she tries a different angle and succeeds in throwing her rock a little further, with one actual skip to it. it's an improvement.]

So you do the embarrassing public confession bullshit too, huh? First time for me. [lying, technically, but at least she'd been able to hide her name the actual first time.] How quick do your DMs fill up with people telling you stuff your head won't let you listen to?

(Karkat was abrasive and socially sloppy as fuck, but he had a heart four times the size of his body and was hypersensitive to other people's feelings. So, he picks up that she really isn't in the mood. So, he doesn't say anything for a few seconds, merely watching her from the corner of his eye.)

You gotta curve your arm more when you throw it.

(Comes out in a gruff, halting way. He considers the question for a few seconds, tossing a rock up and down before throwing it.)

Pretty much all the time. There's this weird catharsis I get when I put my emotions out there for the entire fucking world to see. I think I'm seeking some kind of validation that my hurt is being seen and realized by people. It's really pathetic, I know, but it sometimes helps, even if it's super embarrassing later.

(And it always was.)

Depends on the night and who's awake, mostly. But people like that have good intentions even if they can be real fucking annoying about it. And...I think the fact that you're here probably means some part of your head actually wants to listen, so that's a start.

[she takes a sec to think about the rock-throwing advice and her stance sort of changes, relaxes as much as she ever does relax when she's in this mindset. she won't throw a third yet, but she will listen to karkat. since he's meeting her where she needs to be, it's easier to take him seriously. especially when it comes to the part about seeking validation. looking for some confirmation that she isn't alone. that she's not the only one who feels this way.]

Course I want to listen. [that's not much of a surprise, or at least she doesn't want to.] I keep all my shit inside my chest until I die. That's how it works. Something gets bad enough to get me to spill it online, it has to be big.

[she looks out on the ocean and keeps her ears open. the waves should be a comforting presence, but right now it just reminds her more of the people she's left behind. maybe because they were the only background noise when she'd been talking to cloverfield.]

So you've lost people like this too? [everyone's lost people, anna. but she doesn't know how else to really qualify it.] Where you keep wondering what you could've done to change it, even though you know that's a stupid thing to wonder about?

(He's familiar with this. He was surrounded by people who carried every mistake inside of them until it burned them out. He was the exact same. People who didn't know how or when was a good time to just let their hurt spill out. He picks up another rock but doesn't move to throw it.)

I'm not gonna tell you it's okay to be upset because I think you're actually really smart and already recognize how unhealthy it is to stock feelings up like that. (He stares down at the rock, turning it slowly over in his hand, admiring its smoothness.) It's a good idea to designate someone you trust that you can talk to so that it doesn't always have to come out all at the same time like one giant emotional diarrhea explosion.

(...Nice metaphor, Karkat...

Her question makes him feel cold and then, simply, sad. He stares hollowly at the ocean, feeling smaller than he ever had. He doesn't realize how long he has been quiet for, but once he does, he forces himself to nod and whips the rock out across the water. He puts some serious force behind the throw, like if he threw hard enough, he might be able to get rid of some of the guilt he's carried for sweeps. It doesn't work, but the rock makes an impressive distance before vanishing.)

Yes. (He huffs lowly, squatting down to sort through the rocks just for something to preoccupy himself with.)

I was their leader. It was my responsibility to keep everyone in check and make sure we won the game. But I fucked up from the beginning. I fucked up so many times. (So many doomed timelines were straggling in the universe because of him and his stupid choices. He shakes his head at himself.)

Most of my team got slaughtered. I should have been paying closer attention. I gave an entire fucking universe cancer. I tried to be a good leader, but I failed.

(He stands back up quickly, sniffing. Maybe because it was just cold out.)

That's the price we pay though. You and me. People like us. Go into war and make it out alive and suddenly all you're left with is what you couldn't do instead of everything you did do.

[no, it's definitely just cold out. it's fine. she wasn't expecting something so sincere and heartfelt so quickly, but... well, she shouldn't take joy in the fact that she can sympathize with this. but that she can means that she still remembers A2. the story is identical. a commander who watched her entire squadron die in front of her for reasons she couldn't comprehend, prevent, or tolerate. she was responsible for so many lives, but she fucked up.]

[and she was the sole survivor. and it wasn't as bad as giving cancer to an entire universe, however that's possible. but he says it so genuinely that there's no way it can't be real.]

[they're here to throw rocks, aren't they? she takes one, but can't bear to throw it yet. not while karkat's story is still ringing in her head, bouncing around the hollow cavity she calls a chest that still does have a second soul inside of it.]

I know the feeling. [and unfortunately, she realizes, that's all she knows.] It's... complicated to get into, but I have memories of someone the same thing happened to. Someone who lives inside me now. [sure, whatever.] Her entire squadron died, some of them in ways she couldn't prevent. Some of them trying to protect her. People she trusted... people she loved.

[she folds her hand, turns the rock with it. and taking his advice into account, anna whips the stone as far as she can throw it. to see if she really can do it, just by listening to someone else. it doesn't make it as far as karkat's, but there's a little bit of progress.]

I guess that makes me lucky. I haven't really seen war like you have. Not through my own eyes. [wrong. on a few counts.] I never gave any orders or told anyone what to do with their lives. I talk big shit, but in the end, I'm just a girl who found something she wanted to protect and did her best to do it. I'm no soldier. And Lillian is just... [sigh.] The first one who really is gone forever.

(It's refreshing to not be doubted. He knew he came from a bizarre situation, but after a while, you get jaded with it and it felt useless to reiterate the severity. People were going to believe whatever they wanted to believe.

He doesn't push her to talk. After he's said his piece, he keeps silent. For someone who screamed online, he had plenty of self-awareness in person. He does watch her talk, his ears slightly pricked. He gets what she's saying well enough to follow with the story, nodding to show as much.)

You're a vessel. (Okay. He understands.) Did you exist before this person was placed inside of you? Or is this a metaphorical reference to a person you used to be?

(Genuine question. He would believe either fully. He watches how far the rock goes and feels a twinge of pride that it got further this time.)

Nice. (He murmurs this quietly, an afterthought.)

I don't even know if 'war' is even a fair word for what we went through. It was a violent, stupid, selfish game that played at war. (Stupid. So stupid. He shakes his head at himself, at all of his hundreds upon hundreds of past mistakes that kept him awake most nights. But the rest of what she says...Yeah, he's done that.)

In my opinion, people like you are the smarter type. Being a leader never goes anywhere good for anyone. Not really. (He takes a slow breath, shivering a little. He wasn't used to cooler weather. His kind wasn't made for it.)

Just a girl, huh. No one is just anything so simple. If you were that protective of someone, then that's something you gave to someone. Most people never know what it feels like to be cared for like that. Even if you lost her in the end, you still gave her that. That's worth a lot.

Yeah.

[it's hard to tell what she's replying to at first, since she's just standing there listening to karkat talk. listening to him tell her that she still did something good for lillian—for everyone, even if he doesn't know them yet—just by fighting to protect them. even if she failed. it does get through her skull; she doesn't, for this moment, think that he's full of shit. she must be tired.]

I'm a vessel. For an android named A2 from millennia in the future. But before her soul started hitching a ride here, I was just Annalise Amarande Lehmann. [there's a couple letters in there that get pronounced that might not otherwise be. german, of course. and again, it's not totally right. she bends down and throws another rock out casually with the same technique. she's getting the hang of it, she thinks as it goes a couple skips more.]

Still am that girl. Anna Amarande, though. You call me that full thing, I kick your ass. [it's a dry joke. she doesn't even know why she said her full name in the first place. felt right.] We live inside here together, me and A2. Don't know if anyone else back home really thought of their soul buddy like I do. Like someone who's already lived through the end of their world and just deserves a peaceful place to rest. [she's just talking now, and she recognizes it. it's not even related to war anymore. way to go, amaranth.] Just me finding another person to protect. Wonder how many lives you hold yourself responsible for before you have to start calling yourself a leader.

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002 // text; username: grollschwert

text | carcinoGeneticist

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cw: mild ableism ig

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