Anna Amarande (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hauntedsavior) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deernet2021-11-15 09:04 pm
hauntedsavior) wrote in deernet2021-11-15 09:04 pm
002 // text; username: grollschwert
cw: chronic illness, ruminations on death
Fun one for you tonight.
[this message comes in the middle of the night, when no one in their right mind should be awake. but that's never stopped anna. she can't sleep, and if flynn and ruby and everybody are right then she has to at least try not to keep this stuff inside her at all times. sorrow's silence we needn't bear, or whatever.]
You know a girl. Her body is breaking down and her meds are failing her.
She has years left. Maybe months, if it gets worse.
But something happens, and she gets access to amazing new technology. Things that prevent her body from attacking itself.
Things that stop her timer from ticking faster than everyone else's.
Great, right?
You get to know her better. You entertain her little crush on you. Maybe you like her back a little and maybe things aren't gonna be so bad.
But one day, you do something.
Something that sets off a chain of events that you couldn't have predicted. Not in a million years.
Small things collide into medium things collide into big huge massive things.
And after the butterfly version of you is done flapping its wings, she doesn't have access to that technology anymore.
She's back on the timer.
She doesn't know you did anything.
She never finds out.
You can't bring yourself to tell her, and she wouldn't believe it if you did.
She barely recognizes you anymore, by the end of it.
Her family finds your name on her phone and invites you to pay respects.
Do you still go to her funeral?
Did you kill her?
Fun one for you tonight.
[this message comes in the middle of the night, when no one in their right mind should be awake. but that's never stopped anna. she can't sleep, and if flynn and ruby and everybody are right then she has to at least try not to keep this stuff inside her at all times. sorrow's silence we needn't bear, or whatever.]
You know a girl. Her body is breaking down and her meds are failing her.
She has years left. Maybe months, if it gets worse.
But something happens, and she gets access to amazing new technology. Things that prevent her body from attacking itself.
Things that stop her timer from ticking faster than everyone else's.
Great, right?
You get to know her better. You entertain her little crush on you. Maybe you like her back a little and maybe things aren't gonna be so bad.
But one day, you do something.
Something that sets off a chain of events that you couldn't have predicted. Not in a million years.
Small things collide into medium things collide into big huge massive things.
And after the butterfly version of you is done flapping its wings, she doesn't have access to that technology anymore.
She's back on the timer.
She doesn't know you did anything.
She never finds out.
You can't bring yourself to tell her, and she wouldn't believe it if you did.
She barely recognizes you anymore, by the end of it.
Her family finds your name on her phone and invites you to pay respects.
Do you still go to her funeral?
Did you kill her?
no subject
Dealing with a lot of rough thoughts about death lately, huh, kid?
Might always be part of me that thinks I was responsible.
No matter how little sense it makes or how many people tell me I can't carry that.
no subject
and i'm not a kid
might be
but your journey isn't over yet
you might find a way to forgive yourself one day
no subject
[hard to tell which part that's for. she intends it for the whole "i'm not a kid" thing, just because it's how she refers to anyone she thinks is younger than her, but it's dismissive enough that it could be super unhelpful to the conversation.]
My journey might not be over, but I saw how it's supposed to end.
I don't know how those pieces are gonna slide back into place from here.
no subject
[He's frowning a little, but he's not really super offended by it, it's just king of frustrating… in a refreshingly simple way in contrast to all the other stuff that's been going on lately.]
in the memories of your future friend?
no subject
[see, she's not calling him kid anymore. it's fine.]
Met the future version of myself in the middle of the final battle.
We fought at each other's sides and she told me that things were gonna turn out okay for me.
And hey, you ever wonder what a boost it'd be to your self esteem to have a conversation with your actual destiny?
But nope.
Didn't mention Trench, or squids, or anything that happened between then and now.
Except that eventually, I watch this one movie that I still haven't gotten around to seeing.
no subject
maybe… she's not your future self anymore.
i've been to a whole other reality where i met another version of one of my friends, apparently there's infinite realities.
and maybe that's what this place is, some kind of offshoot reality where we're alternate versions of who we used to be.
i really hope that's not it
but if it is, then you get to shape your own destiny on your terms instead of waiting for what she told you was gonna happen to happen already.
no subject
This isn't an alternate reality.
[despite everything, she is certain about this, and she types her response extremely quickly.]
Weird as it's gotten, I know what my own reality feels like. And this feels the same way.
This is real, what you and me are both going through.
Should be using it as some kind of inspiration to get myself back home safely, I guess.
Or like you said. New place, new destiny.
Just don't know what that means yet.
And my last one took me ten years to figure out.
no subject
being in an alternate reality or timeline or whatever wouldn't be fake or feel fake, it'd just be the new reality.
agh, my head hurts thinking about it, i dunno how slav does it.
how do you even know what a reality feels like compared to another reality anyway?
no subject
[she doesn't bring up the fact that she didn't know until afterwards, even though everyone was telling her she was acting different. nobody would be able to sanity check her like that here, after all.]
It's fuzzy. It's like everything is a little to the left.
People tell you you've been acting strange lately. Like they don't recognize you anymore.
That's how I know this isn't an alternate reality.
no subject
but maybe how you get to the other reality makes a difference
but i really hope you're right
i don't want this to be our new other reality forever
no subject
Maybe there's as many ways to get to different realities as there are different realities.
But this is just a different world. Not a different reality.
I'm sure of it.
We're all still who we are. We can cope with what's changing while still knowing that things are changing.
And if we got here, there's a way to get back.
no subject
you really think so?
even with the whole squid thing?
no subject
One way or another.
Maybe it's on the other side of the ocean. Maybe it's deeper inland.
Hell, maybe it's on the moon. Wouldn't be the first time the society we knew retreated there.
But even with all of this going on, even with everything happening in this post and how fucked up my mental state is right now,
I have to believe there's a way back to what we knew.
no subject
let me know if you find that way back
hell, i might even help you look
are you gonna be okay?
i know all this is really heavy, but you're not alone
no subject
Tonight is bad.
But I've had worse.
Maybe once I snap myself out of this we can go looking for some god shit together or something.
They're the ones who would know.
no subject
and hey, if you need a wallowing partner who can live play you a sad acoustic soundtrack to your life, i can be over where you are in like two shakes of a cow's tail probably
no subject
Keep a pin in that one.
Never did like sad songs much, but I wouldn't mind jamming with you when I'm feeling better.
no subject
maybe one of these days i'll even play you a lance original