Anna Amarande (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hauntedsavior) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deernet2021-11-15 09:04 pm
hauntedsavior) wrote in deernet2021-11-15 09:04 pm
002 // text; username: grollschwert
cw: chronic illness, ruminations on death
Fun one for you tonight.
[this message comes in the middle of the night, when no one in their right mind should be awake. but that's never stopped anna. she can't sleep, and if flynn and ruby and everybody are right then she has to at least try not to keep this stuff inside her at all times. sorrow's silence we needn't bear, or whatever.]
You know a girl. Her body is breaking down and her meds are failing her.
She has years left. Maybe months, if it gets worse.
But something happens, and she gets access to amazing new technology. Things that prevent her body from attacking itself.
Things that stop her timer from ticking faster than everyone else's.
Great, right?
You get to know her better. You entertain her little crush on you. Maybe you like her back a little and maybe things aren't gonna be so bad.
But one day, you do something.
Something that sets off a chain of events that you couldn't have predicted. Not in a million years.
Small things collide into medium things collide into big huge massive things.
And after the butterfly version of you is done flapping its wings, she doesn't have access to that technology anymore.
She's back on the timer.
She doesn't know you did anything.
She never finds out.
You can't bring yourself to tell her, and she wouldn't believe it if you did.
She barely recognizes you anymore, by the end of it.
Her family finds your name on her phone and invites you to pay respects.
Do you still go to her funeral?
Did you kill her?
Fun one for you tonight.
[this message comes in the middle of the night, when no one in their right mind should be awake. but that's never stopped anna. she can't sleep, and if flynn and ruby and everybody are right then she has to at least try not to keep this stuff inside her at all times. sorrow's silence we needn't bear, or whatever.]
You know a girl. Her body is breaking down and her meds are failing her.
She has years left. Maybe months, if it gets worse.
But something happens, and she gets access to amazing new technology. Things that prevent her body from attacking itself.
Things that stop her timer from ticking faster than everyone else's.
Great, right?
You get to know her better. You entertain her little crush on you. Maybe you like her back a little and maybe things aren't gonna be so bad.
But one day, you do something.
Something that sets off a chain of events that you couldn't have predicted. Not in a million years.
Small things collide into medium things collide into big huge massive things.
And after the butterfly version of you is done flapping its wings, she doesn't have access to that technology anymore.
She's back on the timer.
She doesn't know you did anything.
She never finds out.
You can't bring yourself to tell her, and she wouldn't believe it if you did.
She barely recognizes you anymore, by the end of it.
Her family finds your name on her phone and invites you to pay respects.
Do you still go to her funeral?
Did you kill her?
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Everyone I started caring about just slipped through my fingers.
Started feeling pretty fuckin' targeted after a while.
[that's not related. that's not anything, really. she just types it all out before she even realizes what he's saying, and the dots bounce for a good long time while it sinks in. stop. bounce. stop.]
I already know I can't save everyone no matter how hard I try.
And if I try too hard, I'm only going to get myself killed.
I wish I could connect those dots to this in my head.
Maybe it would actually stop me from beating myself up about it.
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was it a youre the only one who can save the world kind of deal?
people hate people like that
nah
i get that
you still think you should be able to
but you know you cant
tough thing to get past
[ he says, like he's past it himself ]
you cant save everyone
hell people have already died here and i couldnt save them
i couldnt stop flynn from dying
we cant save the people we love
but we can try
it sounds like you tried
thats what matters
right
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It was supposed to be my destiny.
It was supposed to be different than this.
[she can't... let herself get caught up in this again. she can't. destiny is bullshit, amaranth, you know this. she turns it outward instead of beating herself up, which she's not proud of herself for.]
So you got past it?
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no
but i pretend i am
destiny is a trap
i believe you did what you could
you dont seem like the type to half ass things
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Met me a few years ago and I would've been lucky to put half of my ass into something.
Destiny sucks. It's a lie.
But when you find out you're destined for something, it can feel pretty good.
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me too
guess the world kicked us into gear
ill have to trust you on that
no destiny here but a friend of mine had it
destiny to destroy the world
nicest girl youve ever met
she did everything she could to not fulfill that destiny
worked out okay
hey
just cause that happened before doesnt mean its going to happen again
the anna i know doesnt need destiny to do great stuff
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Girl named Freya, same situation as me.
Got back memories of this girl named Fang who destroyed the world,
Or was supposed to, or something.
Messed with her big time.
...I tried not to talk about destiny too much with Frey after that.
[the anna he knows, huh? the only one he's ever known is this mix of souls, this confused and sad bitch who still keeps moving forward despite everything else happening around her.]
Maybe I don't.
Especially when I don't even know enough about this world to know what its destiny would even want from me.
It just gets to be so much sometimes, dude. All of it.
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destiny
who gets to tell you what to do?
only you do
[ he's a secret sap, who sees a cool girl who already saved his ass ]
yeah
its weird going from doing so much
to doing nothing
that about how you feel?
not mad about it
i need a break
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Is that fucking all? Is that what this is?
I went from running around the city keeping everyone safe because I was the last person around who remembered how it all really was,
To sitting around waiting for things to happen and trying to live a normal life again?
Fucking kill me, dude.
Am I just bored?
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hell, is that it? ]
maybe
im a pro at boredom
maybe you need a dog
makes boredom way less bad
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But just bringing them out to play feels a little demeaning.
Maybe I need a real job or something.
Or a hobby, like baking.
Christ, I haven't had a hobby in years.
[of course, the hobby was drinking, but that's not something she has to admit to.]
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that guy never had a hobby in his life
lysithea needs more delivery people
could recommend you
maybe vier will like it you dont know until you try it
[ be coworkers, anna
everyone works at the bakery ]
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Can't be more embarrassing than the time I worked at a host club.
No, there aren't any pictures.
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bet you hated that
my friends kept trying to make me wait tables
its my nightmare
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Turns out there's people willing to pay to have a mean girl pretend to pay attention to them.
Hell, maybe that can be my job here.
Majima-san would be proud of me for my entrepreneurial spirit.
I'd be a good boss if you wanted to join.
As a chef.
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[ is this just his life now??? ]
but if you do
call me
hell why not
[ at least he knows how to deal with mean girls at this point ]
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Look at me.
I'm a sweetheart. Everyone loves me.
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guys really pay for that
[ most people really dont make sense to him ]
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But I think what they're paying for is the chance to just sit down and have someone listen to them talk.
Like therapy, but way easier to get an appointment for, as long as you just need to vent and don't need any actual help.
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you like that? listening to people talk at you?
[ he doesnt think he would have the patience for it, even if he was paid. maybe especially if he was paid ]
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Plus sometimes they'd buy me things.
It wasn't the most glamorous job in the world, but Majima-san treated me real well and I didn't really have to turn on my brain too much to be there, so, like, win-win.
[unsurprisingly, rose also worked there, but there's no need to throw herself under the bus.]
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[ yeah, definitely not for him. but, most jobs aren't. not really a "jobs" kind of guy ]
guess id take a job where i dont have to think
kind of my job back home
mostly killing monsters
sometimes delivering stuff
not a bad gig
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Hell, I only did it because capitalism.
This place hasn't heard of it (and thank god for that) so the only reason any of us should be getting jobs is to do stuff we like doing, right?
Fuck, I think that means I really do like listening to other people talk.
My cover's blown. Cheese it.
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[ they sort of have it in terca lumeries, but yuri never learned the word for it ]
i guess yeah
thats sort of what i did back home
did some stuff for money
never had a job until the guild
i like working with the guild
oh wow i never knew
anna likes people?
im shocked
astounded
this is totally new information
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Smartass.
Clearly I'm letting my guard down.
[clearly this whole post is about how you liked someone so much that you blame yourself for her death, anna. you ain't subtle.]
Lower your voice. You want the whole town to know about the shits I give?
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