deernet | text | anonymous user

The opposite. I didn't feel fear or pain. But I'm not sure if it was corruption or the battle high. I just know that afterward, I had to manage some symptoms.

Thank you.

Are you a Vileblood?

Have you been inside the Sleeper Farm?

What symptoms did you have after? If you were injured do you remember how you sustained those injuries?

Warmblood. No magic, if that's what you're trying to ask about. Sorry.

Yes.

Yes, I remember everything. [ He can hide things, but actual repression doesn't work out too well for him. That also means everything is being so much right now. But Midoriya's trying to be helpful. ] I should have felt more pain later but I didn't. I wasn't really hungry either. I slept but looked like I hadn't at all. I had a fever and felt weak. I would have tried to go out otherwise.

No need to apologize. Vilebloods sometimes feel no pain due to their blood.

[He'd wanted to rule that out.]

How long were you fighting for before this happened?

I see. Thank you.

[ That doesn't bring him comfort. Still, he has no regrets. ]

A few minutes when I was getting captured. Then maybe about a minute after I woke up. I don't know how long I was out.

[ Fights are usually quick and brutal like that. It's not like comics where you can see every move illustrated clearly as if in slow motion.

It isn't long before Midoriya's concern for others, and lack of concern for himself, rears its head. ]

Are you feeling strange?

Did you go back after you escaped the first time?

[That's one message.

The second takes longer to show up.]

Yes. I am also corrupted.

Working out if the latter's causing the former.

Yes, but only when I knew I'd be well enough to defend myself. But that wasn't the first time either.

[ He's not quite sure why this person is asking him if he went back. But he stops wondering about that when Illarion reveals that he too is suffering from corruption. Given last month's corruption being directly linked to how badly Midoriya was feeling, he is extra cautious about managing it. That goes double for people other than himself. ]

I'm sorry. This world's magic can be pretty scary. Maybe I can help. I'm going to find my notes on managing corruption and send them to you. If none of those methods work, then it's something else. If they do, it's healing you needed anyway. It can't hurt. Have you talked to a Blood Minister?

It wasn't?

[Repeated returns speak to the character of his conversation partner. He has no intention--no desire, even--to part the veil of anonymity between them, but that can't keep him from seeking context for the advice he's offered.

This other person is young, self-sacrificing, maybe even self-denying. It's a thumbnail sketch and like all sketches inaccurate, but it's a place to start.]

I've spoken to a blood minister. My case is unusual to quote her. Symptoms come and go but are strongest in situations where further corruption is hard to avoid.

[And maybe, given the nature of the "symptoms," he might have cause to avoid full healing in the future.]

Unclear if they're absent without corruption or because the circumstances are wrong.

More knowledge can't hurt but your notes might reveal you as a caution.

[ He can tell this person is asking for more than a simple yes or no answer. ]

Yeah. There were still a lot of people who needed to be saved.

It's fine as long as it helps you out. [ If it's anyone he knows, he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it. ] It's just a list of standard methods. Like incense or tea or certain mushrooms. I got most of them from people living here before I arrived.

[ Hunters, who often deal with corruption, but also just friendly neighbors. ]

[That's confirmation, at least.]

Yes. There were.

Thank you for saving them.

[For spending so much time and blood on so thankless a task. So hopeless a task, if one were being dismal about it.

(Illarion might be, a little.)]

Then I may know most of them. So I am also less likely to identify you but I will appreciate learning if there's something I haven't heard of.

Of course.

[ It just looks like a normal thank you, but the words on his screen write themselves on his heart. He doesn't know what to say. Seeing this reminds him it was worth it. If even one life was spared, it was worth it. A hero's job is to give hope in a hopeless world.

No, even before he had any chance of becoming a hero at all, he had jumped in to save someone. It hadn't been any sort of grand decision. He had just moved before he could think. That's the kind of person he is. ]

OK. I'll get that list together and send it to you later. I've got some new notes on mushrooms I'd like to add.

[Illarion may never know who he's spoken to on this post, and they may never know him. He'd invoked the veil of anonymity in part to protect other's own buried feelings about their experiences with corruption.

But that did not make them any less people to him, nor any less deserving of gratitude for their actions.]

More information on the mushrooms is very welcome. They seem like one of the fastest cures.

[More the fool him for not joining in on foraging them, but then, he'd been very preoccupied.]

[ He desperately wants to know who told him "thank you," but not enough to invade someone's privacy. ]

Let me know if you have a hard time getting them. I might know a few people with some.

[ He hadn't considered dabbling in mushroom collection until they started encroaching on the safehouses he was supposed to help Mako and Ruby with. When Mako asked him to help get rid of them, how could he refuse? Still, most days it was a job best left to an actual professional. ]

[At least they were very likely to meet in person at some point, and Illarion would be no less gracious then.

There'd be a chance.]

I will in that case and not leave your people disappointed with the trade.

[Important to give fair value in these things.

Which see:]

Is there any information you want in return for your notes?

I'd like to know if they helped you or not.

[ That's a no. He doesn't expect anything in return. It's only because he's conscious of abiding by barter custom that he can afford rent and food at all. He's terrible at bartering and often finds himself doing hero work for free. ]

[It would not surprise Illarion in the least, even from so brief an interaction, to hear his interlocutor was the kind to give so freely as that.]

Easily done. If you think of something beyond that ask.

I repay my debts.

[Whether or not someone felt they owned a debt from him, he repays them.]

I'm not familiar with the effects of corruption, personally. And I don't think I've been here long enough to see anyone else dealing with it, either.

Are you thinking you're... corrupted?

It's all right if you don't want to talk about it, though. I know you're looking for information, so I'm sorry this isn't much help.

But it sounds like something that would be very scary to deal with alone.

( She can't suppress the urge to Mom, even if it's anonymously. )

[He listens to the message three times through before even considering how he'll reply.

It's unexpected. It's also not; he had kept his request terse and anonymous because their odd little community was so quick to worry for each other.

It's...strange to be on the receiving end of that. He'd been trying to avoid it for reasons he can't untangle.]

Even so thank you for responding. Your concern is very kind.

I'm corrupted. Have been for weeks. It isn't

[He stops mid-dictation to search for a word and the message sends on its own. Godspit.]

It isn't frightening I can't be frightened.

But the symptoms should be impossible. Or it should be impossible for me to experience them. So it might not be the corruption.

I don't know enough to tell.

( She doesn't at all know what corruption involves, here. It's just been some word she's heard by the townspeople from time to time, stumbling across it in her searches through random businesses and street corners for her daughter. It's also something she's glimpsed on this network place, mentioned in various conversation. Corruption.

Like a lot of things, the way Rose views it relates to her daughter, and to her experiences in Silent Hill. Corruption was... a change. A degradation, a decay. A horror. She can only imagine what it means here, what it would be to be corrupted — 'for weeks', the person says. )

You normally can't feel things like fright?
But you're feeling that now, and other things?

( She's assuming they're feeling fright, anyway, even if they say they can't. Because they mentioned having feelings and senses they normally don't, and... she doesn't know if the person on the other end of this is even human or not, but it doesn't matter. )

What else are you feeling that you normally don't? And sensing?

[Godspit on Sacrifice's Throne.

She's not Esfir; she doesn't sound like Esfir.

She may also not be "she"; if an elf, the style of writing would be more like a man's--if a dwarf, "she" wouldn't usually apply. But the first impression of someone who read right through him that thoroughly is a hard one to shake.

No use lying when he's anonymous--that would ruin any help she might be.]

Yes.

Yes I am feeling things I shouldn't be. Shouldn't be able to any longer.

Fear. Worry. Concern. [Affection, but he hesitates from saying it.]

The question about senses was more for general knowledge. If corruption can grant one capacity it might grant others.

( "Any longer"... so this person was once able to feel such things.

Rose takes some time to answer, thinking. She's met people here by now who have talked about... undergoing transformations. Even before whatever the fuck is going on with the squid business. People from other worlds, people who went through things that she once couldn't have accepted as real.

She knows better now. Her own daughter....... She's not even sure Sharon's human, anymore. Or if she ever was to begin with. )

Was it a.... choice? To stop feeling those things?
It doesn't seem like you want those feelings back.
And I'd get it, if so. Fear, worry, concern.... those aren't great things to feel.

But I guess, speaking as a mother, they're things I'd consider necessary on my end.

No.

[Something almost frantic, real emotion or remembered pattern of one, impels the speed of his reply.]

It wasn't a choice. They were stolen from me along with everything else.

It is useful sometimes to be not afraid. To be incapable of feeling fear or worry.

But that is nothing to knowing if I met my daughter again I would only remember what I felt for her not feel it.

Corruption can't be the way to get that back. Shouldn't be the way.

I don't know what to do if it is.

( Stolen... Rose can't understand how or why such a thing would, could happen, but the not understanding isn't important here. The thought is... a horrible one. To have one's feelings taken, against their choice...? Was there some supernatural element involved, here? It.... reminds her of what happened to Alessa, in a way.

And to hear this person has a daughter, too.... )

Maybe Corruption isn't all bad. Maybe it's.... meant to happen, that you're feeling things again. Maybe you can use it somehow. Even if it's scary, or unfamiliar to you by now.

( She can't possibly know that for sure, and she won't claim to, but... everything is such an unknown, here. What this person is dealing with... maybe there's a way to use it to their advantage.

After a moment, she adds something else. )

I have a daughter too. Her name's Sharon.
What's yours named?

[Maybe Corruption isn't all bad. It's a thought he had been avoiding, because it isn't without its logic or its appeal. Just as beasthood might be--as some Disciples believed--a way to adapt humans to the horrors of the Waking World, so corruption might also have a role to play. Certainly some of the corrupted could endure far more than they would have without it. Certainly it gave some Sleepers bestial traits that could protect them from Trench's horrors.

But to be a shrike was to live at constant risk of madness--and corruption at its worst was that same madness come again. Deliberately courting it could make him a risk to everyone around him--had made him a risk.

He thinks. So much of his memory of the Farm was distorted by corruption, turned nightmarish and vague.]

I won't say that's not possible. I don't know enough of the world or the gods or the things beyond it to say corruption has no positive aspect.

But it could make me a risk to everyone around me. It would be selfish to do that just for the sake of feeling again when it isn't necessary for me. Wouldn't it?

[...Ahh. It's a wholly natural question to ask and a question he can't give the answer it deserves.

Though to offer his usual one would be also to tear the veil of anonymity, in a place where a shrike's customs were unique.]

We're very careful about names. But she was called Hope by some.

[Was called.]

I would like to know more about your daughter. About Sharon. But there is a risk I might know who you are next I meet you if I do.

Is this all right?

Edited (realized there was a comma in there that didn't belong) 2022-01-02 05:30 (UTC)

Yeah. I felt scared. Feel scared.
I just wanted to tear those fucking Zealots apart and the fear could never stop me from it.
Even though I was fucking terrified. I still am. Not even the person closest to me can get rid of it entirely.

[Oh, no.

(Was this corruption or battle-shock?)]

I'm very sorry.

Did they capture you for any length of time?

None of the usual corruption cures have worked?

I don't... think I've felt anything is regards to corruption. I suppose I've felt a great deal more tired. I haven't been sleeping well, lately.

I'm sorry, I don't feel like that's a helpful answer to you.

[ It's difficult to distinguish between corruption and just having a particularly bad month. She's not sure. There's a brief pause, then: ]

Is this what's happening to you? Do you think it's changing you like that? Feeling things you shouldn't?

No need to apologize. Knowing how it affects others is useful. Knowing who isn't having the same problems I am is too.

I am sorry you haven't been sleeping well. It's been a difficult month.

[He's already been made once on this one. No reason to hide from the truth.]

It may be. It would be one explanation for my current condition.

But it's not something I'd heard of before as a symptom. Corruption mostly subtracts from your wellbeing. Doesn't add anything.

That's quite fair, a wise way to obtain information.

It's certainly felt like a very long one. I've had difficult months before, but I suppose I never expected it to really... manifest like this.

I don't think I've heard of that either. I suppose, given from experience, we're all unfortunately likely to be suffering our own unique flavours of corruption. Places like this tend to make things very personal. If adding would make you feel worse, then that's likely why.

[ But then it does make her wonder. ]

You don't feel? In general, I mean? I'm assuming you meant emotionally.

There's wisdom in that too. In saying that it may be different for everyone.

The Blood Minister I've spoken to wasn't familiar with any cases like mine. Why I asked the others here.

To call it personal as if the universe wishes me to suffer is a very foreign thought. It may make matters easier to explain it that way but I don't know I believe it.

[Ah.]

Very little. Emotionally. Despair and sometimes anger.

I remember what it is like to feel and how I would act on my emotions in a familiar situation.

Perhaps it may be worth searching the Archaic Archives for any books on Corruption. Surely there'll be plenty of history there, or casefiles? Finding things is a little tricky, but there's a knack to it.

Much like the dream saw into us, the forces of the waking world see into us here, too. It's quite a cruel thing, and unfair — but I believe it's the case.

[ Merlin, she can't imagine. ]

I'm sorry, I can't imagine. It must be very difficult sometimes. I'm sorry you've only been left with things such as sorrow and anger, too.

You weren't always this way, you were cursed?

It's difficult for me to research in the Archives. [Blind. An outspoken Disciple. Not really the most comfortable fit for the place.

Even if he's made a point of treating the Scholars with civility and willingness to reach out, there are tensions there.]

But it's a good notion. Also the one about the Waking World reaching into us. That I would believe.

I'll think about both of these.

[He may yet come to different conclusions but it's good to have outside input.

There is... some part of him that's benefitting from this, he notices slowly. He's already feeling a little more steady.

Which might very well be the corruption losing its hold on him and with it, whatever emotions it brought.]

You're kind to say so. The paradox is that it is least difficult when it's at its worst. [If he didn't feel anything he didn't care that he didn't feel anything. If he was murderously angry--that was its own kind of distraction from what he felt.

Despair fell into a trickier space, an emotion he noticed more by the inaction it forced him into.]

Yes. Cursed is an apt way to put it. I could feel things normally before.

Maybe someone could help you. Knowledge should be for everyone. [ Certainly Never Mind would agree with her. She's a Scholar herself, and while she's quite aware of some of the tensions between her fellows and the Disciples, she's not one getting involved in all of that (not that she'd know that this is one of the cases through it being anonymous).

Although being a Paleblooded Scholar. She's certainly not going to be winning much popularity with the Disciples, really. That's bound to come up at some point. ]

I... think I understand. It's clutching at any feeling at all, even if it's a negative one, right? [ Could one hardly be blamed for leaning into a negative emotion when one otherwise feels nothing else at all? ]

I don't know how long you've been this way, but is it possible it's something that can be broken? Remedied?

Maybe. There's a few Sleepers I know who would volunteer for the project. [Who should not volunteer for the project, but didn't know where their own boundaries lay.

Nor did they need to know the acquaintance they regarded so positively didn't reciprocate their feelings because he couldn't.

Both could be worked around, with time.]

Yes exactly this. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing.

[Even if he is now much of the way back to feeling nothing.

More clear-headed now, he can actually give her(?) question evenhanded consideration.]

Corruption is one remedy after a fashion. Which means there may be others.

I and others like me were given to believe it is impossible to fix. Irreversible. But it hasn't been long enough to make that judgment. We don't know enough.

We didn't have time to learn enough.

It wouldn't hurt to ask. [ Trust the nerd to gently encourage them into going. Even if she doesn't quite know the person behind the words, she's all for trying to encourage.

She's thoughtful for a moment. It's sad that Corruption itself is something that will shift their ability of feeling emotions, but the possibility that there's others is definitely likely. ]

It's possible you were lied to to destroy any hope of trying to fix it. I mean if I was whoever did this to you and I wanted you to remain this way, I imagine I would say anything to keep you in line. You don't bother trying if there's not the idea of possibility, you know?

But if there's one thing this place might afford, it's time. Not to mention resources. There's Sleepers from countless worlds here. Perhaps you might be able to discover what you need to know about your circumstances here. And I'm sure others would like to help you should you ask.

No. Asking itself wouldn't hurt. [Reserving space on his reservations for all that came after asking, though this other person isn't wrong. He's identified a problem in need of solving--or at least exploration--and should not let the ghosts of his trepidation keep him from that.

He weighs the words that follow against all he knew of the King of Eyes, and the Prince of Locusts, and their necromancers and generals. The situation posited is cruel; the reality was, in its way, crueler.]

They didn't need to do that to us.

They didn't need to lie to keep us in line. We didn't

We had no choice in the matter. All the rest of what happened to us was incidental to that. We thought. We think.

[He stops dictating for several seconds, noting distantly he's becoming emotional again. Not as free of corruption as he thought, then--or he's very, very volatile when it comes to acquiring it.

Terrible thought.]

What we know we had to learn on our own after. It would be kinder in a way if they had cared enough to lie.

[This other's right, though; he's not so overwrought he can't grasp that. Still and all, the idea of asking under his own identity hauls him up short. It would require explaining--so much--that should rightly separate him from the living world.

He'd told another Sleeper, once, that coming to Trench and losing his automatic recognition as a shrike had not been a vacation for him; he was well-adapted to being seen as that sort of monster.

But as one of the Unearthed? As a vacated husk of what he'd been?]

I'm sure as well. They are very quick to aid anyone who needs it. I could avail myself of that.

[Could isn't will.]

[ Of course she knows she can't force this person to go seek help, but she can only gently prod that way the best she can. At least placing the idea there is enough, something to think about. Sometimes a gentle nudging is more than enough.

Her shoulders sink a little as she reads, her brow pinching sadly: They didn't need to lie to keep us in line. She wipes at her face, it does sound crueller than she thought. ]

I'm sorry, I truly am. [ She can understand that. ] There is often comfort in lies, isn't there?

[ And even that wasn't something afforded to them. ]

It's one of the things I've learned a lot here. We're all thrown into this place, the world's too harsh. But there's kindness there, but we do work together. I really hope you might take that help.

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text | anonymous

oh no he's getting mommed on for his sins, well-deserved 1/2

2/2, typos intentional

[MOM FROWN INTENSIFIES]

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