video; un: charlie

[kingoftherats]

[The video opens with a middle-aged man sitting at a bar and eating shelled peanuts out of a bowl, stopping to reach over and pass one of the nuts to the little rat sitting near him — not to be confused with his rat omen Danny, who is currently off doing god only knows what. There's a few scabbed over cuts on the man's particularly dusty face, like maybe he'd spent the afternoon crawling through some vents (spoilers: he was). Anyway...]

So, like. What's the deal with this place, anyway? Someone called it 'Lumenwood' the other day, and then someone called it 'Poofrock' or whatever, and there was someone complaining about something happening at 'Crenshaw'...? Then some other weirdo said Cassandra, which is a chick's name.

Is there actually an official name for this place or what?

Like — wheeeere the hell are we, exactly?

[Don't mind the line of rats suddenly running up to him, squeaking from where they've made a half-circle by his arm. He turns his attention to them suddenly, and talks to them instead of the video camera.]

Noooo way. It's not actually named Trench. No, dude, a trench is something you crawl through to collect possum pelts, nobody'd call a place Trench, that's lame as shit. [He stops, nods at the rats.] Okay, no — Leroy, seriously? I think I'd know what a real city name is. Especially a human one, thanks. If it were Trench, it'd be, like... Trenchadelphia. Or New Trenchy. Or, shit, maybe Trenchburgh?

[He snaps his fingers at one particular rat trying to sneak in a grab at his bowl.]

Heyheyhey, I see you eyeballing my peanuts, Susan! Back up! Back! It! Up! [He listens with disappointment intent to her small squeaks.] ... Ugh, old man still not doing too hot, huh? Fine, take some, but don't you go trading that shit for drugs; I know how high the currency is for shelled peanuts is down there. Tell Ricky I said hey, congrats on making it to four years — that's wild for a rat, man, he's gotta have some kind of deal with the devil.

[Sorry, what the fuck were we talking about again?]

... Oh!

And stop leaving your goddamn bear traps around the town, huh?! [He reaches down under the bar, picks up a particularly bloody bear trap, and shakes it at the screen.] I'm sick of stepping in them!

Comments

( video )

[kingoftherats]

[He blinks, looking around for whoever this 'Rat King' is.

But then he points to himself.]

You talkin' to me?

[Wait, is he being crowned or something? Duuuude, he would absolutely stick his leg in another bear trap if it meant being King of a crew. He was totally king of online games years back, so this is just a step up.]

[danserai]

Yes. Isn't that who you are? The Rat King, come to take Clara!

[ it's possible that she's mistaking him for someone else. ]

[kingoftherats]

Clara.... Uh, isn't that the teeny weeny chick who came into my bar? With the funny accent?

[Sorry, he'll figure out the Rat King comment later; he just needs this sorted out first.]

[danserai]

No, like the story! The Nutcracker!

Isn't that what Christmas is all about? It's about presents and a Rat King!

[kingoftherats]

The Nutcracker... isn't that some kind of wrestling move?

I've never heard of a Rat King being a thing at Christmas, but, like, maybe there is? I had a pretty weird Christmas without even realizing it was weird, so maybe that's some kind of traditional shit I've never gotten to see.

[danserai]

[ a wrestling move??? ]

. . . Maybe.

But are you the Rat King?

[kingoftherats]

... That depends.

How do I, like... know if I'm the Rat King or not?

[danserai]

. . . Do you want to kidnap little girls?

[kingoftherats]

What? Ew, gross! No. Little girls are annoying anyway.

The last time I had to deal with them, we were doing this beauty pageant thing, and they drove me nuts.

[danserai]

You were competing with little girls?

[kingoftherats]

No, man, I was helping them compete. My dad-slash-roomie Frank was doing some pageant thing, and I just helped out with it. Most of those kids really sucked at it, though; it's too bad their moms force them into that while they go off and get drunk or get fatter or whatever pageant moms do.

[danserai]

[ pageants for beauty . . . sounds weird to her. dancing pageants are one thing, but beauty??? ]

Why did you help?

[kingoftherats]

Uh. 'Cus Frank asked me to? I figured I'd help the poor dude out.

He's my roommate. And maybe my dad. I haven't figured that part out yet.

[danserai]

[ this is an adult . . . ? ]

So you're not the Rat King?

[kingoftherats]

I can neither conform nor decry your accusatorials.

[A rat crawls cross one shoulder, over his head, and down the other shoulder.]

[danserai]

W-Why not?!

It can't be that hard to admit, right?

[ maybe the whole pageant thing was a LIE and he is here to kidnap christmas! or clara. the ballet is not terribly clear on that. ]

[kingoftherats]

What if the rat king wants to be a closeted rat king?

Or maybe I'm not the rat king, 'cus nobody ever bothered giving me a medal or a license or whatever for it.

Or maybe I am the rat king, 'cus I do talk to rats and I like to wear Burger King crowns.

1/2

[danserai]

2/2 end

[danserai]

I think I'm going to go with no.

[kingoftherats]

[He looks OFFENDED!!!!]

What, so you're saying I'm not good enough to you to be a rat king?!

Oh, excuuuuse me, princess! So sorry I'm not to your standards!

[danserai]

N-No, I mean, yes, I mean . . . The Rat King is about Christmas! And ballet a-and music.

It doesn't seem like you know any of that?

[kingoftherats]

You don't think —

[He looks at the rats, talking to them casually:]

You hear this kid? She thinks I don't know Christmas and ballet and music? The nerve of some people, right? Like — yeah! Exactly! It's like she doesn't even get me, she's being all narrow-minded!

[sorry, he's getting lost in a convo with susan]

[danserai]

[ . . . buddy. ]

Well, do you?

[kingoftherats]

OF course I do! I've had forty-something Christmases, I think I'd know what Christmas is.

And for the record, I know ballet and music, too. I've written my own stuff. A musical once, too! Totally harmless and not weird musical, no matter what Dennis and Mac tell you.

Dumb-dumb.

[danserai]

[ who is dennis and mac?? either way, ahiru is getting the feeling she's not going to get a straight answer. ]

Uhm, okay, Mr. Rat King. Whatever you say.