deernet | Video; UN: seeingtheworld

Pastors are good listeners, and they can offer comfort but that's about it. They don't often offer coping mechanisms.

[He didn't have much faith these days. He tended to spurn religion as a whole, viewing it as cults out of touch with daily reality. Good concepts usually to keep people from descending into chaos, but in war, any real God would stand for the shit humanity and nature did.]

You understand that what you did was self defense, right? That you are not at fault. You took a difficult situation and made the best decision based on your experiences at the time.

[He wasn't certain if anyone that told her that. He expected someone to offer platitudes, but it was necessary to reinforce that the situation was the cause of her reaction, and it didn't mean she was a bad person for it.]

It will take you time to sort it out. You're suffering from a psychological and emotion wound, and like all wounds, it requires time and rehabilitation to make the most of. You may wish to learn new skills to better prepare yourself if there ever is a 'next time'.

I do remember that, yes. But I can't see how a pastor's experience would be able to help me through mine.

[In other words, Luz sort of thought a therapist would be better in this regard, at least in her whole reasoning and her headspace after all of that. It would certainly help her work through her feelings about it].

Reaper, I feel like I can't even say it was self-defense. I got away thanks to my sister at the time, and I could have left it at that. I didn't. In my head, all I could remember was what happened to me and what they did and know that they could do that to someone else. I was too weak to fight them when I escaped, but I recovered a little, waited, and then went and set fire inside the caves.

[People had told her that: Varian, Korra, even Vira. Luz's biggest problem would always be that what she'd done had been, to an extent, premeditated. She supposed she could have let it stay at that, but the more she thought about it, the MORE she was at war with herself, because how could she allow them to do that to someone else? To some other KID]?

I want to. I-I take fencing lessons with Vira, and I train with Fern. I don't think I'll ever be as strong as them, and that's fine, magic is where I'm best. But if there comes a time I need to protect myself, I want to find a way to keep going somehow. I don't ever want to be as weak as I was that day.

Some pastors have seen shit. I served with one during the war; he provided a comfort to many of those around me.

[He knew what she meant, but he didn't want her to close doors on where comfort and relatability might come from. It was a good way to isolate oneself, and there was little good that came from that when in mental distress.

He actually laughed at her case against herself. He knew that road, had seen it more often than he could count. Everyone had their way of dealing with their traumas, and that didn't make it any less a case of self-defense in his books.]

In some circles, that makes you a hero, pequeño. What about the situation makes you think that you had tainted yourself? The fact that you burned their places of refuge? Or the fact that you burned their place of refuge while they were in it? Because you do realize that you burning it with them out could have lead to their deaths? Perhaps you saved them a far more greasily end thanks to smoke inhalation. Believe me, it's not the worst way to go.

[Reaper could see it from her perspective, but he had also seen far worse manners of dealing with an enemy than that. Likely they had all passed out long before they had died; it had been a painless end, and she had saved many the same suffering that she had endured for her efforts.]

If you need more training, I would be willing to supplement what they are teaching you. Vira is very skilled with a blade, and depending your magic, she could potentially assist you with that.

If you find comfort in religion, then that makes sense. Then again, I am finding myself more and more aligned with Doorway, so maybe I shouldn't talk?

[It was a funny feeling, honestly, finding herself gravitating toward a being you could consider a god she'd never known before. Then again, she had never felt more aligned with a higher being than one that prioritized relationships and loyalty. That was something she could get behind and understood].

Hey, don't laugh! It wasn't burning their stupid cave! It was them, obviously, them burning in there that makes me feel like that! I'm a kid! I'm not supposed to go around doing things like that. Sure, everyone considers doing that to their enemies, but no one's supposed to act on it! And once you do that, you can't act like you're the same person! Not after you heard their screams and their anguish and smelled that fire and the smoke! You just...you just...you can't even feel like anyone should protect you, because you start to wonder if you'll ever feel like you deserve it.

[Luz had gone over this over and OVER in her mind, she'd had people tell her she wasn't evil, she did it in good faith, but Luz couldn't forget, and that was why it never really went away. Worst, now she didn't think of them as much anymore because that was the last real time she saw Margot, and afterward they didn't see each other much and then she was just GONE, gone back home and was no longer her sister.

So just guilt aplenty].

I think...I think I do. I don't want to find myself captured like that again if I can help it. There won't always be someone to save me. I was lucky back then, and lucky in November.

[Well, lucky in that she didn't DIE anyway].

You're allowed to talk. Plus, you're Latina, and from my experience, talking is a skill almost all of them are good at.

[He remarked on that dryly. His large family was a big competition on who could talk the most sometimes, and often, he had just escaped the house because it was such a large gab session. They liked it, and he was used to it. He hadn't asked if Luz came from a large family, and now wasn't the time to derail the conversation.

He did settle his laughter because he knew.]

I acted like that. I've done those things. [He listened to her paint the scenario, aware of where she was going long before she got there.] Luz. Listen to me very carefully. Your choice to burn them was made to save other people from the same pain and trauma you endured. It doesn't sound like you burned them and their caves because it was a fanciful inclination of your imagination. You did it to protect other people because it was the option that made the most sense to you at the time. Yes those actions were inhumane to them, but your actions don't make you undeserving of love, care and protection.

[He sighed heavily, and he turned away from the wind, leaving Luca to practice while he took some distance.]

You aren't alone in how you feel, Luz. Those of us who have made the decision to take a life for protective reasons all endure what you did. It will eat you alive if you let it. Believe me. Your guilty feelings are valid, and they also make it clear to me that you remain a good person who was put in an impossible situation. You took lives, but that doesn't mean you stop living yours.

[It was clear that she was struggling, which meant that she needed to be armed with all manner of skill to avoid such a situation in future.]

Then I'll teach you how to escape bindings. And I'll teach you how to hide sharp objects on your person to cut ropes if you can wriggle out of them.

Edited (words are hard) 2022-01-26 18:33 (UTC)

Hey, that's a misleading stereotype...that happens to be true in my case, but still!

[Luz had definitely NOT had a big family, having been raised by a single parent, but she still very much liked to talk, something that was becoming more obvious to people.

The girl took a breath here, nodding. Part of her knew that he was right, that everyone she talked to was RIGHT, it was just taking her some time to come to terms with it. She did begin to see that now she was moving from thinking she had unconsciously wanted them to pay for what they'd done to her. It had hurt and it had scared her, but she didn't want to punish people for her pain. What she had wanted, first in her mind, was preventing that from happening to anyone.

And Reaper at least did seem to understand that].

You're right. Everyone who's talked to me about this are right. I just have trouble letting the feeling go. Must be all that exposure to fiction where there's a clear good guy and bad guy, and the bad guys always hurt and kill people, never the good guys. I kept wondering if making sure they died made me evil, but now I think I didn't want then to do it to anyone else one more day. I just never expected I'd ever have to make a decision like that.

[Eda, of course, had been doing her best that Luz never would have HAD to].

Actually, that is super helpful for me right now, thanks.

It's not a stereotype if it's true. I have enough female cousins to fill an entire house, and I assure you, talking is something that they greatly enjoy and are extremely good at. Believe me, I spent significant time on the roof when they were getting together.

[Of course, he knew that not all Latin Americans came from the same background. He happened to be of Mexican-descent, and Reyes' were a proliferative bunch. He didn't talk about his family much, if at all, but he felt he could make little mentions here and there with Luz. She just might be the only Latina or Latino who he could let slip a little.

Reaper knew where she was coming from probably as well as everyone else that she had spoken to. His experiences were unique and personal. He expected that hers would be the same: unique and personal for her.]

You don't have to let them go, chiquito. You have to learn to cope with them and not let them take over every moment of your waking life. Sometimes you can't help but think about it, can't help but break down. That's very normal, and it's part of your processing.

[He hummed in agreement.]

People and decisions all come with shades of gray. That's what makes us dynamic and different. You shouldn't have had to make such a decision, but you were and you did. That you're still standing says a lot of your resilience, even if it might not always seems so.

[He nodded his head.]

We'll practice on me and inanimate objects first. You could have traumas that we don't want to bring to the forefront.

I just know that I like to talk a lot! I haven't always felt that way, but you could say that being in two pretty dangerous places made it so I couldn't be quiet and to myself.

[Luz honestly wasn't sure if it was a common trait to be talkative because she didn't know too many Dominican families in Connecticut. She did know she talked more once she felt safe to say things, and that really started to happen when she wound up in the Boiling Isles].

I don't think about it all the time. I used to though. When I had to go live with the Doctor and Vira, at night I'd just stare out into the dark and remember things. When there wasn't any light but I could hear people around, or when they'd pierce me and laugh at my pain. The rally scary stuff, where I didn't know if I'd be getting out alive or in pieces in someone's...stomach.

[It made Luz kind of sick to even think about it. She didn't even mention that she made sure she was extra terrified, because it amused them. She might have hated THAT fact, but was more scared of what would happen to her if they were bored].

It wasn't easy, that's for sure, but being in this house, with everyone in it? It helped.

[Way more than Luz could say, honestly].

Traumas? What do you...oh. Actually, that is true. I kind of hyperventilate whenever I have to go into a cave. Bad memories.

Oh, I know. You have the gift of the gab. There's nothing wrong with it, but I will ghost out if I feel my brain melting.

[Honestly, her sometimes constant yabbering in the house or in his vague direction was a very odd sort of comfort to him. It felt normal, and that was dangerous from where he stood. A taste of a home that he had long ago left behind, something he hadn't had in a very long time. He couldn't tell Luz that; it was too personal.]

And perhaps when you do think about it, the time is random and when you aren't expecting it. The thoughts creep in and darken the world around you because it consumes the entire situation that you're in. And when there are triggers: noise in the dark, a shift of shadow, a similar noise you would associate with your situation. These are all normal for expressions of your trauma.

[That's what he needed her to know and hopefully admit. What she was feeling was normal and she wasn't alone in those experiences. They were personally hers, but others had similar, and she could talk about them.]

I know a little of traumas, Luz. [A beat of silence.] Perhaps someday I'll tell you how I died.

I'm not THAT talkative! Not enough to melt someone's brain, anyway!

[Though if she WAS that powerful, she would probably be pretty impressed. She definitely knew kids back home who talked way more than she did, and it wasn't as if she had any reason to engage that way with them. The Boling Isles with Willow and Gus though, that was a different story].

That is...kind of spot on, actually. I got these special pajamas from Usagi awhile back, and they make it so I don't have that happen in dreams, but you can't wear them all the time. I'd be in my room and the window would be open and I'd smell the remains of fire, and I'd be right back there. Can't even go into a cave now without hyperventilating a little bit.

[She didn't even want to get into when she was brought into the farm and had an episode of intense anxiety. Her second run through made it so that dark places were now just full on getting a light spell, even in her own room. Luz was at a point where her and dark were just not seeing eye to eye].

I don't doubt that. Wait, your FIRST death, or a Deerington death?

I'm aware. My cousin Camille could talk circles around you in her sleep. But you're still a teenage girl, and some of the subjects that you talk about are just...

[He made a noise like his brain might already be melting just thinking about it. He was, of course, teasing her in his own gruff way. A little grudging attempt at levity while they navigated far more deep and treacherous waters of mental health.

He nodded his head, understanding with her experiences. He expected that, with the way this place might go, she would have to get used to going into dark dank places, but that would have to be a work in progress. Slow and steady and even then, she might not recover enough to do it on her own or even at all. Trauma was complicated and unreasonable.]

Those triggers are things you're aware of, which means you can try to work through it. Even then, best case scenario is you experience anxiety but can manage it.

[Oh she was amusing sometimes. He issued a low humorless chuckle.]

My first death. Deerington was far more inconvenient about coming back to life than what I'm used to. Trench too, though I do make an adorable squid if I do say so myself.

Hey, I'm a teenage girl, but I also have my own nerdy interests! I don't need everyone to understand them.

[Luz was pretty proud of some of her zaniness, thank you. Sure, it might be off putting to some, but Luz was used to marching to the beat of her own drum].

I try to take those kinds of situations slow. It hasn't...escaped my notice that I've been through a lot of stuff. Some people might actually go crazy from all of the things I've seen. Between outside memories and the farm, it's a lot. I guess I try to put things into perspective and deal with it as best as I can. Some days are much harder than others.

In that case, I'd be curious to know how you came back from your first death. And of course you make an adorable squid, I was one of the people who made sure you got into water.

What does a nerdy interest have that might detract from you talking a lot? If anything more nerdy interests invite more people who enjoy the same things.

[A nerdy female had never been a put off for anyone that he knew, and if anything, it made said female far more interesting. It was good to keep her energized and hopefully focused on what she enjoyed rather than let all her bad experiences rule everything.]

Deerington and by extension Trench is not gentle on people. We are fighting a war with enemies we don't see or know about until they are upon us. [And that meant that they had no real time of actual rest as they would all be on edge even marginally. Uncertainty was what drove people insane, constantly vigilant.]

That's a story for another time. Oh, I still have all my squid memories, so I recall you helping me to water.

Oh, its pretty rare I got to nerd out on Earth with my peers. It was the biggest drag about being in Connecticut, honestly. No support.

[Luz was exactly of the same mind as Reaper on that subject and would have gladly said so. Most of the time, it was actually caring for the house that was the best distraction from her bad experiences].

That is way too true. Sometimes you get some small hints, but most of the time its "this crazy crap you wouldn't believe would happen, even in a fic? It's totally happening now, get prepared." And then you don't know when it ends and when you'll get to take a breath.

[So really, you had to enjoy the small things].

I figured you would say that. Well sure. I didn't want you to dry up. I don't even know if that would make you coming back to life take even longer!

Connecticut is, overall, a drag.

[As an Mexican-American, he thought he had rights to rag on other States. It was mostly good fun but also... some leadership in them was just the worst. He had no time for them during the war and less time after it. He preferred to concentrate on the household.]

You have to remind yourself to take a breath. It's one of the most important start points to healing.

[Start small and work their way to something larger.]

I think I was delayed, since my squid form seemed to last a bit longer than others.

I don't know if I'd say that about all of it, but where I am? Probably.

[Poor Luz. You had no idea exactly how interesting your little city actually was].

I've been learning that lately. Varian was pretty much a wake-up call to that. the healing is slow, but I think it's starting to happen now.

[It was honestly a lesson she hoped she was quickly learning to deal out].

Delayed? That can happen?

You'll branch out from home eventually, and you'll either have fond memories of it or be glad you're gone.

[He wasn't exactly considering Trench an adventure in other parts of the world, mostly because they had no ability to go back. Who knew what returning to the ocean was like, if it was just a wiped slate and nothing more. They'd be squids until they decided to crawl out again.]

Varian's fall to corruption should be a wake-up call. Everyone is susceptible.

[He shrugged his shoulders.]

I'm not generally a typical example of death in most places.

Is it weird that it's kind of both?

[She was sure she loved her mother, and home, but there was still that part of her that wanted to go beyond Earth, where she seemed ill fit anyway. The Boiling Isles had been her first foray, Deerington had been where she met people she wanted to stay around and protect and care about. She just had to deal with the notion she might NEVER see Earth again, or her mother, or Eda. That part was pretty painful].

Honestly? I got pretty close myself.

[That moment of finding out Fern was dead and Varian was corrupted and in pain had been a shock, and she had felt her body shuddering, close to recoiling into her pain, her fear. Somehow, she'd fought back, and struck out at the problem as quickly as she could].

What example of death would you say you are?

No. It's normal.

[The only reason he came back to Trench was because he had been assured that his mission would continue back on his planet. Part of him would split off and be part of the next phase of the dream, and that was the only reason he came back here in the end.

Oh he had imperative to come back, but his revenge meant so much to him.]

Is that so?

[It made sense with the trauma that she had suffered from before and now dealing with extreme emotions here. It was clear that emotion and a lack of coping influenced the blood corruption of this place.]

Unpredictable.

[Luz thought as much. On her end, she understood there was still a part of her on the Boiling Isles, just as there had been a part of her, a different her, that had lived in Deerington in another time. It was confusing, but all the same she still yearned to be part of this life, to see the people she loved and grew close to back in Deerington].

It is. I'm not saying I'm super powerful or anything, because believe me, it was hard. But I couldn't let Varian be in his state and suffering. That feeling was more important than anything at that moment.

[She knew well enough that she should be coping, so she still decided to take time for herself where she could. She just hoped it was enough].

I'd say most people would want to feel that way, but in your case, that's probably true.

[Reaper had watched from afar as Varian had slipped into beasthood. He would have stepped in eventually, but it wouldn't have been the same result as what had happened. When one became that dangerous, he didn't always invest in the talk-down method.]

You did well. Let's hope a repeat performance won't be necessary.

[At least this conversation had calmed back to something normal. He liked to think she had a few better tools for coping now.]

Yes well, when one doesn't stay dead normally, unpredictable is more my style.

[Luz had known that too- if a hunter had found Varian, they would have been far more extreme. With everyone working on both getting to Varian and distracting potential hunters, they managed to get him back home. Luz had all of them to thank that day].

I hope not! I heard next month might get a little rough.

[She'd have to be careful, that was for sure. She made a mental note to gather more incense].

One of these days you'll have to tell me how you manage that.

Month of Love is as bad as Christmas.

[That's all he had to say about that.]

Perhaps someday, yes.

That's what I hear. Too bad it's also the month and day of my birthday.

[That was sure "lucky."]

Just gonna keep that mystery for now, huh?

Well, you forced me to endure birthday cake in December. I'm going to return the favour. What flavour do you want?

[He would pay her back as dramatically as he could.]

It's more dramatic that way. I'll tell you when you're older.

Video; UN: seeingtheworld

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