deernet | text; un: padlocks

Please. Please, you need not say a word, I know what I did. How could I forget?

((With my permission, dear friend. It was a risk I chose to take.

Perhaps chose poorly, for both our sakes. But I chose it.))

Why?

Why did you think to indulge the worst parts of me?

((I was stupid.))

[Flatly said.]

((Alive, and emotional. Not planning with my head.

I thought to distract you with whatever lure would work, and that's where the thinking ended.))

You sweet fool.

[He doesn't sound angry at all. Honestly, he understands a bit what Illarion must mean.]

...I am sorry. For what I have done. I wish to say that if it were me, truly me, it would not have turned out this way. But I could not claim that for certain either.

[You sweet fool.

He...hadn't expected that, somehow. And somehow it touches him in a way few things do, now that he's shed back to being dead.

Never underestimate this man, for woe or for weal.]

((It's forgiven, brother of my heart. If it had been me, truly me, I wouldn't have teased you that way. I'm sorry that I did. That is not a memory you should carry to scourge yourself with.

What can I do?))

...I know not what can be done. Your forgiveness is more than I would have anticipated.

For now, I... I cannot risk this again. I cannot.

[That gets a low huff, a not-laugh, out of him.]

((Likewise.))

[Are they both too forgiving for their own good, or both expecting more condemnation than was warranted?]

((More chains and tighter fetters for now, then. It sounds that there are several Sleepers who will help you with those. If--))

[my blood would make them any lighter, no, actually, let them not speak of blood magic right now. Not when even he feels a frisson of discomfort at offering.]

((--you would wish it. If you trust me, I might have other ways to help.))

I did not blame you for what happened. There is nothing for me to forgive.

[He understands what Illarion was trying to accomplish. What reason could he have to blame him for it?]

...In what way?

[There's a quiet sound of hair (or feathers) on cloth as Illarion shakes his head.]

((You remain a wonder to me.))

[All the more reason he should've been more careful and less driven by his own passions. Even if Bigby didn't blame him for it.]

((At the beast's own level, if such a thing can be done. I would need to know more about how you have restrained it 'til now. About how it reasons and acts and hungers.))

We are alike in many ways. If I could not give you my understanding, what hope is there for me alone?

[A sigh escapes him.]

It does not reason, it is a starving, rabid animal at best if I were to be generous. It is not a thing you can tame.

((What hope is there for any of us alone, here?))

[If there was one lesson the Waking World wanted to teach them...]

((Though that is flippant. I'm sorry. I am half a decade or more out of practice with anyone wanting to understand me. The grace you offer me is precious.))

[He breathes out a little noise, a huff.]

((It's a thing your reason can ride, not so? How much of it was you when we met in the woods last full moon?))

It is quite all right. Again, a matter I do relate to. I've... not been with people proper until quite recently. My last few decades were not ideal.

[There's clear dubiousness from Bigby in terms of his inner beast, but... for the sake of everything, he's willing to discuss this.]

It, erm. That was largely me, albeit competing with some very base instincts and... influence.

((I'd hear as much of those years as you would share with me. You have made a heroic effort alone to contain your beast. That's something I long thought required a whole people to succeed at.))

[Which, perhaps, explains the odd tack he's taking on this.]

((And when we,)) [he stops himself from saying hunted,] ((escaped the Sleeper Farm together? How much was you, while you were in its shape?))

Edited (rescuing escaped bracket) 2022-01-26 06:10 (UTC)

It is... it is nothing but misery, during those years. Would it not burden you to hear it all?

[Or upset Illarion or something like it. As if, after all of this, he's still concerned about Illarion's well-being before his own.]

It... was a mixed. As I told you then, I needed to be properly angry as my strength was sapped then. The thought of the children in danger frustrated me enough to help. But intense emotions like rage help call it out. To keep its worst impulses back... that is me.

The man you met the other night... that was, I suppose, a possibility of me. The part of me that wants to give up and just let it do as it pleases, along with a curse that is known to my homeland.

Edited 2022-01-26 06:20 (UTC)

((Yes, it would. And I would still hear it, because it burdens you, and I wouldn't have you bear that all alone. You were not made to carry all that's on your shoulders in isolation until it crushes you.))

[Two can play at that game.]

((And it forces itself to the fore if you're in mortal danger.)) [See: Falco and his own demon.]

((I...remember guessing as much, on seeing you. Disciple's intuition. Yet you were still present in him, in some fashion, too.))

[He's silent for several seconds, thinking.]

((In the moment, what did it feel like, to listen to that part?))

...Give me time, then. Speaking of it now would be-- it will only make this worse, at the moment.

[listen his stress levels are still at like 145/200 it is not the best]

Blinding. Powerful. Both thrilling and frightening, at the same time. So easy to forget where and who I was. There is a horrific kind of freedom in cooperating with it. It isn't... submission, strictly speaking. It is not as if it is completely in control, but its instincts I work with.

((When you're ready. I won't trouble you further with it before you are.))

[yes let him not make this any worse

He nods to himself to hear that description. That's not unfamiliar.]

((You direct those instincts into better channels. Rather than fight it for its head or let it run entirely where it wills. Letting it roam under the full moon--it helps both of you?))

[Thinking of,]

((Mind someone else patrolling your woods until you feel in better control? I'd not have you disturbed,)) [by beasts or overeager teenagers,] ((while you need solitude.))

To relinquish control for awhile, at least a bit... it balances things. It makes us both better. Like it or not, we are stuck with each other.

[Oh. That's... a good idea, actually.]

Please. For their sake.

[That's reassuring to hear, in its way. It speaks to future progress beyond stronger chains and binding spells.]

(("To every rose there is a fang; to every thorn, a claw; within the roots beat wild hearts, rem'mbering blood-stained maw--"

Even the most civilized among us need that wildness now and again. My heart aches that yours otherwise lies so heavily on you.))

[A little pause, a quiet huff.]

((For their sake, and for yours, dear one. One less worry while you regain yourself.))

Alas, that some of us must work that much harder to fight against ourselves. To follow impulse and desire is not innately wrong, yet...

Well. You know.

[There is warmth in hearing that. "Dear one." It is not unlike "brother of my heart" either.

If nothing else, he's relieved their bond is not broken.]

Thank you, my dear friend.

((I know.))

[One instinct in particular has been clawing at him now that he's dead again. He knows.]

((I am glad to do it.)) [And, very gently teasing--]

((Your other-self never did ask my name.)) [The offer's still open.]

Yes, well-- he was a bit more indulgent on matters of hunger, less on the heart. Even if he had considered it, for a moment.

...I would like to know, if you are willing to tell it to me.

((I thought he might be, though I threw out anything to tempt him.))

[Another little pause, for Illarion still has a sense of showmanship in him.]

((Illarion, who fought and was given his freedom beneath Albireo and bears no other stars on his banner.

I am pleased to make your acquaintance at last, Bigby.))

Edited (slight nuance edit) 2022-01-28 06:46 (UTC)

That you did. All things were effective, but material more than all other options.

[There's a pause, then softly he speaks:]

Illarion.

It is a pleasure. Shall I... keep it to myself?

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