video; un: quibbler | forward-dated to 13/02

[creidim]

cw: minor mentions of war, discussions of possible character death

So, it seems that my Blessed Day is in fact the same day as my birthday.

[ Luna speaks off camera, busy trying to put her Omni in the right place. It takes a couple of moments, but the initial view of Luna's room: all soft lighting, bright but peaceful tones across the space, is finally obscured as Luna steps into the frame to sit at her desk, something in her hand. She waves to the camera with a cheerful smile in greeting before she continues with what she's addressing. With a soft sound, she lugs the item in her hand onto her desk and then carefully holds it up to the camera of her Omni to show it.

It's a sword: the Blade of Agency, to be precise. Luna gazes down at it with faint bemusement; of course Doorway would gift a sword, considering they appear with one at all times. But Luna's... not quite sure what to do with it. She's a Witch, not a sword-swinger. Not that she's ungrateful, and she certainly doesn't mean to come across as that as she stares at the sword. ]

I found this propped up against the wall of my room this morning. A gift from Doorway, my Patron. [ Her head twists one way in thought, brow pinching. It's a fine looking blade, she thinks. Although she's not very knowledgeable in that department. ] It... feels special. I don't think it's just a regular sword.

[ She can't really tell how, though. She should really find some way to find that out before she goes about using it. Ravenclaws err on the side of caution in the face of magic swords. ]

... Although if I'm meant to use it, I've never actually swung a sword before. [ ... ] I believe I shall need some help with that.

[ Should anyone be interested in that. There's a long pause; Luna smiles faintly. She would turn the feed off at that but something else is on her mind. She's quiet for a little while, putting the sword down carefully down on her desk once more. It's... something difficult, the way her expression shifts. Not something necessarily bad, but— ]

... I turned twenty today. [ She lets that settle for a moment before she continues. Her voice is hushed, a little sombre in some way. She fiddles with her hands as she goes on: ] It's quite funny, you know. Not being a teenager anymore. Well, not just that part, really.

I suppose— I guess I never expected to live past seventeen. [ A short pause, there's a sudden realisation. She smiles weakly. ] Although I realise that doesn't quite funny at all when you say it out loud, does it?

[ More like horrifying, than anything else. Sometimes Luna has that uncanny knack for making people uncomfortable with the things she says; but it's a truth of her home. She was headed to battle before Trench, before Deerington. It was quite possible she'd never make out to the other side of that battle. Even people as young as she was die in war, she understands that. But now, here, she's made it out of her teens and into the first steps of adulthood. It's given her a great deal of cause for ruminating. ]

I've learned a lot about different things; different magic, and ways people live. Especially Muggles. ... I've met a lot of people, made friends. I've gotten to experience a lot of new things in those friendships I didn't have the chance to get to at home. I even met someone who I love very much. [ Her weak smile turns to something fonder, there's warmth there. Perhaps it's quite fitting that Doorway is her Patron, after all. Her relationships are important to her. But don't worry, she's not going to get too mushy over her boyfriend over the network. ]

I know for as difficult life here can be, for as hard Deerington was... this place is a kind of opportunity. It's let me have a great deal of things I didn't think I could have. Things I would have likely never had the chance to experience if I had never come here and stayed in my own world. It's a chance at living. One I didn't think I would get.

[ ... ]

I think that's quite important to remember. When things are difficult. Or when I do miss home sometimes. [ She goes quiet again, lost in her thoughts for a little bit. Even now, trying to pull the positives here in a world that has much stacked against them. Her expression turning to a serene dreaminess as she props her elbows on her desk, chin in her hands. So: ] ... What are you glad for the opportunity for, Sleepers?

Comments

[creidim]

I've just never seen myself as cool. [ There's a little smile as she shrugs. She's honestly surprised Peter hasn't burst into the room to tell her she's cool at this point. He would never heard otherwise. ] I'm just... me. You know?

Besides, being cool isn't all that important.

[ She is not helping. ]

[entreats]

[ Definitely not helping. It's like Luna is shoving a dagger straight into Ange's heart.

That's what it feels like in the moment, anyway, as Ange is totally dumbstruck by that statement for now. She needs a moment to recover, her mind resetting in order to be able to speak again.

An entire life's desire reduced to nothing. There's the urge to ask Luna if she thinks Ange is cool, but it's quickly dismissed as pathetic, shoved off to the side. ]

I think you might just be the strongest of us all, to believe in yourself so steadily.

[ It's the easiest to deal with it this way. To keep this Luna-centered, rather than saying anything directly about herself here, before Ange just straight up shrivels up and dies. ]

Maybe that's why you got the sword.

[creidim]

... Oh. You do quite like the idea of being cool, don't you. [ SORRY, ANGE. That look there isn't getting past her. Luna's quiet for a moment, eyebrows raised high.

It's just... 'being cool' has never been really something she's ever been interested in, it's not important to her. Coolness is subjective. And she's never really cared for how people view her, especially considering how awful people generally are. ]

It's very important to believe in yourself, especially when it's often people won't believe in you. You're never going to please everyone, and not everyone's going to think so highly of you — and all that'll do is you'll just upset yourself trying.

Believing in yourself is better than trying to be cool. Why be cool when you can just be yourself?

private;

[entreats]

[ Oh, god.

This is slowly escalating into a crisis, isn't it. Especially with Luna being so blunt about it. Ange feels like the only way to truly escape this would be to just shut down the feed and run away, but she can't imagine that making her look any better here..

So after a moment of definitely pained silence on her end, Ange just decides to lock the feed for now. It's easier that way, especially with no other alternative that can save her at least a little bit. ]

I think you need to know who you are in the first place before you can even do that.

[creidim]

[ Oh, she's definitely gone and said something upsetting there, hasn't she? She's called Ange out. Sometimes being blunt about things can be... a bit too much for other people. Sometimes it's exactly what's needed.

And then the other girl comes out with that, and her heart sinks a little bit. Oh. Oh, Ange. She's quiet for a little moment before she finally speaks. Her eyebrows raise slightly and she tilts her head to the side. ]

Well, that's obvious, isn't it? [ Or perhaps it is, to Luna. ] You're you. You're the things you enjoy, the things you stand for, the things you want to do with your life. Your talents and skills and interests. Your character.

You're all the little parts that make up you as a person. That's who you are, Ange.

[entreats]

But I don't..

[ Ange starts, then cuts herself off. Even privately, talking about this with just Luna, it's still hard. Not because she doesn't trust the other girl, but just because it's so hard for Ange to actually say this stuff out loud.

It makes her feel pathetic. ]

I don't even know half of that stuff. I think.. [ .. how does she even say "the way other people constantly controlled my life to make it as miserable as possible back home left me no time to ever consider who I was or what I liked, and even now I have the time to figure that out I feel like I can't seem to do so"... in a less awkward way.. ]

I think I'm just really screwed up.

[ Nailed it. ]

[creidim]

[ She's quiet for a little while, staring sad at Ange on her screen. This is hard for her, she recognises that. But it's all the more reason to try and help assure her. ]

I'm sure you do, deep down. And it doesn't have to be the big things of life, you know? It's the little things, too. [ Luna might not have any real idea of Ange's life before Deerington and Trench, but she does honestly believe there has to be something. Things that Ange does know about herself. She's not a shell, not just some lifeless object. She's a person. ]

You're not screwed up, Ange.

[entreats]

[ Ange opens her mouth, like she's about to say something, but then just closes it again and glances away from the screen. ]

Of course you'd say that. You're really too nice, Luna. [ It doesn't sound like she's saying it like it's a bad thing though. It's something that's admirable about the other in Ange's eyes. How honestly nice she is, not having to hide it behind smoke and mirrors half of the time the way Ange tries to do. ]

I just-- I know this is going to sound odd.

[ Even by this place's standards. But she pushes on, forcing herself to be honest with her friend as she actually looks back at the Omni. ]

But I was raised the way I was, just so I'd be the perfect piece in another person's game. I didn't know it, all those years growing up, but then everything started to make sense once I found that out. The way I wasn't ever allowed to have time for myself for hobbies, the way I wasn't allowed to have friends.. It was just so I'd grow up lonely and miserable. [ And she did. For so long. Twelve long, long years, that felt like an eternity. ]

And I know that isn't the case here anymore. [ Ever since arriving in Deerington, she's been happier than ever before, ironically enough. ] But I lost so many years during which most people find out what they're like, and what they like doing and all-- It feels so hard to catch up at this point. That's what makes me feel so screwed up.

Like something is missing from me that most people do have.. [ Ange's voice trails off, and she frowns. ] .. I'm not making a whole lot of sense, am I?

[ But it's so hard to put this exact feeling into words, even though she's trying. She really is trying here. Luna has been kind enough that Ange trusts herself to be this honest and vulnerable around the other. ]

[creidim]

I don't say things I don't believe. [ It's not just her being nice. She's not one to try and palm others off with assurances for the sake of being nice. She says what she means. She doesn't believe Ange is messed up.

It's honestly conversations she's had with Peter before, on multiple conversations. She's heard this before. That he's messed up, that he's wrong inside. And she's told him similar; she doesn't believe he's wrong inside, or messed up. He had terrible things happen to him, and he's been hurt by it — but that doesn't make him wrong.

And some of Ange's story feels painfully similar to Peter too. His own worries about his family conspiring all his entire life to make him a host to Paimon. Luna's quite for a long time as she listens, her brow drawn in her sorrow. It hurts to realise someone else has similar home life like this; she's sad for her, and angry on her behalf too. ]

No, I understand what you're trying to say. But I still stand by with what I said. [ It's offered gently. Luna pulls in a breath. ] You were treated cruelly, Ange. By the people who raised you, people you trusted. People who are supposed to care for you. What they did to you was wrong. They... they hurt you.

[ It doesn't have to be something physical like being struck. They hurt her mind, her spirit. They didn't let her grow. ]

They hurt you terribly, they took so much from you. I can't undo what's been done, I can't just make you not feel how you feel now. It doesn't work like that, I know. [ It's the same sense of powerless she feels with Peter when he's like this, when he's had times where he wishes it would be better if he weren't here. So he didn't have to live with his existence, with the things that happened to him. ] But I can tell you that you're not wrong inside, you're not messed up.

You're trying your best to move forward from situations that were awful. That in itself is incredible, and I'm sorry that it's hard for you.

[ Maybe it would serve her better to talk to Peter about this. ]

[entreats]

[ Luna's words are a lot.

But they're a lot in a good way. Even though they're overwhelming, it's still kind of nice to hear the other girl say them like that. It feels weirdly validating, especially since she didn't have a single person around back home to tell her that. That the way she was being treated was screwed up, and that none of that was her fault. That people should have been better to her.

And despite the fact that she's no longer in that situation, it's like these words still help a little, if not just retroactively. It makes Ange silently listen, so appreciative of Luna in this moment that she doesn't even know how to put it in words.

.. well, other than: ]

Thank you.

[ The words are said a little quietly, because they don't feel like enough. There's so much more she wants to say, but she doesn't know how. Hopefully just those two words will be able to convey even a little bit of how much what Luna is saying here means to her. ]

I'm.. already a little better than I used to be. [ She's already crawled up so far out of that well of misery and depression, after all. Ange is actually a functioning human being - most of the time, anyway. ] So.. please don't worry.

It's just that stuff sometimes reminds me of it. Like when people talk about hobbies, or interests, and I-- I just don't even know.

[ Especially when it seems to be a topic that's as easy as talking about the weather for some people, rather than anything someone has to think really hard about the way Ange does. ]

[creidim]

[ There's a small smile at her thanks. It's plenty, she understands. Luna doesn't need to be thanked, though; it just comes with her friendship: offered freely without need for thanks. Sometimes there's the big things in the world that are hard to express, hard to talk about or hear. She tries her best. That's what a friend does. ]

And that's good. [ She nods a little. ] But it's alright if it's hard sometimes, if it feels like it's swallowing you. It happens. Just remember that there's people to help you through it.

[ Like she does with Peter. Luna knows she can't take away what he feels, can't magic away the dark and cold thoughts that often exist within him. He does manage himself, but she knows sometimes there's days, sometimes weeks when the black is too much. All Luna can do it be there with him when he's like that, to try help him climb out of the dark again. ]

Be gentler with yourself, Ange. It's alright, you know—? [ There's a short pause before she offers with a little hopefulness. ] And you always have all the time you'd like to find yourself, there's no rush.