deernet | video -> voice | un: sharpshooter (april 2nd)

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video -> voice | un: sharpshooter (april 2nd)

( cw: alcohol/substance abuse and visible corruption symptoms. )

[At first, the post opens with video. Lance is using his omen for this because he's probably too intoxicated to operate the omni. Corruption has started to increase again and rapidly given what he's trying to announce. The scar over his left eye looks a bit bigger and his iris of that eye is a glowing, crackling electric blue. He's not looking at the 'camera', his expression trained hard on the table in front of him as he grapples with the pain of loss.]

So… Hunk's gone… [In real time, the scar over his eye grows length-wise and cracks open horizontally and the darkness of space seems to be underneath: black void with stars and a nebula. The glowing light of his eye flashes brighter and seems to overtake the rest of his eye.] …baaaack to th' sea.

[His speech is a bit slurred and his hand comes up to his forehead as he leans to brace his elbow on the table. He looks at his omen and his brow furrows.] Valor, this's audio, right?

[What sounds like an 'oops' comes from his omen and then the video cuts out. There's the sound of a heavy, rattled breath being let out from Lance before he continues.] Whatever, not like it matters, [snort] as if I'm even gonna remember, right?

…Oh yeah… anyone in town got some memory findin' powers? I'm missin' some, so I need you to like… reach into my head hole or whatever.

[A breath is heaved, but it sounds shallow and wet, like there's something wrong with his lungs. Then the sound of a glass clinking on something.] Anyway, here's to th' ocean! I'm gon' go yell at her to give me my bro back. Later.

[There's the sound of a scraping chair as he gets up, and then the loud thump and crash of someone immediately fumbling their footing because they're too messed up and falling to the floor.] Oww…

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[Lance is sitting on his knees, hunched and his arms are limply draped on his thighs. Corruption is still prominent on his face, his skin splitting open with a swirling nebula underneath. His head is bowed and he feels like death all over. And emotionally, he's raw and spent, but still a live wire.

His eyes are closed when Keith comes over to kneel in front of him and he doesn't see the cuts on him right away. The water that was on him has already evaporated from his continued swirling energy being produced by his body nonstop. The question Keith asks has his brows notching together and him hunching more as he shakes his head.]

Don't… just don't. Please.

[He doesn't want more anger and blame at Moira, his choice was his own, he knew the risks. And he's not up to having that conversation right now. He raises a shaky hand to his mouth and coughs into it, it's wet and he fists his hand around the red blood there when he pulls it away to hide it. Great. He finds himself chuckling in a broken unhinged way like before, body swaying a bit, because it's just… everything is just so much all the time. It's like a cosmic joke, right?]

Buuut to answer your question… yeah, that's what my powers can do. Even died that way once. Wild, right? [He heaves a shallow and rattled breath and coughs again. Then tears come again and stay a bit longer since he's not running as hot after the blast and they're mixed with broken laughter.] And I al-almost burned Hunk up back in October, y'know. The way I did to you. And he just stayed put, kinda like you did… like- like idiots.

[Another unhinged, teary chuckle bubbles up and wraps itself around that last part. He's starting to really crumble, the glow flaring a bit more. He hangs his head further and brings a shaking hand up to his face, and then presses the side of his fist to his forehead, angling his arm to hide his expression as he turns it away. His fist then hits his head: thunk thunk, and he shushes a voice only he can hear.]

Shut up. You left, don't say you didn't. Now he left. Again. Like Pidge, Allura, Chloe. Everyone. Mostly left, a-anyway. Bits and pieces stayed put in here. Hi-hiilarious, right? [His breath hitches and he swallows as he shakes and tries to regroup. His voice eventually comes out like a shameful and broken confession.]

…I- I dunno if I can keep doing this…

Edited 2022-09-23 02:05 (UTC)

Lance... [Keith bit his lip. Honestly, he didn't think there was anything else he could say at this point that would help.] I'm not... [He took a deep breath.]

Look. We're friends, right? [Honestly, with how messed up his emotions had been since arriving, Keith wasn't even sure anymore. Friends? Did he want more? Everything was so confusing, and he wasn't sure what was real and what wasn't.] So... I want... I want to help. But I don't know how.

[A beat.]

What do you... what do you need...? From me?

[Honestly, he's not entirely together. He keeps seeing shifts in his surroundings, and the countering influence of his gem is the only thing that gets him realizing what is and isn't real. When under enough duress, everything starts crumbling for him. His mental state, his powers… hopes.

But as consumed as he is by everything, the overwhelmed confusion and everything coming off Keith catches his attention. It's faint, but catches his attention enough to have him dropping his fist from his head and looking up over in Keith's general direction. He head is still mostly bowed and his eyes only get as far as focusing on his chin, and then slides away.

Though Keith feels way out of his depth, the simple though helpless questions are probably the best thing right now. With so much chaos going on internally, a simple question or two commands his focus. Enough focus to partially tune out the rest. Partially.]

…'Course we're friends. [That's the easiest one to tackle. Even if saying it feels like he's slowly shoving a knife into his own heart. Because it was more than that once… even if it was a mistake. His voice is hoarse and worn out and he has to swallow. The other question… that's harder.]

…Nothing you can give.

[Keith let out a huge sigh. Not of frustration, but just... sad... helpless... Ugh, he hated feeling helpless. His hands clenched in his lap.]

There has to be something. Even if it's just me listening so you can vent stuff out. I-I don't know. [He sounded almost desperate. Something in him just kept pushing him to want to help Lance. He hated seeing him suffer. It was on par with seeing Shiro suffer. He wasn't sure why Lance was so important to him, but it hurt.] Just... something.

I can't sit by and do nothing.

[One of the darker thoughts he's had in his grief over losing Keith and what they'd had has been 'could he feel like that for me when I'm so different? So broken? Crazy.' He's tried so hard to keep his shit together, not let just how all this show out of fear of losing what little they do have. And perhaps he also had a slight naive notion that… maybe he can also reset himself somehow if he just pretends hard enough.

He always had Hunk there through it all as well, who never treated him different, who managed to be spared so much but did not come out unscathed either. They've always grounded each other without judgement, Hunk was his rock. And now…

Everything has gone to shit. And Keith is right here even after seeing him in the middle of one of his more intense episodes. Trying. And even through all the noise in his head, that isn't lost upon him. Still, voices in his head and his stressed state warping his perceptions keeps trying to tell him otherwise.

He shudders and hunches his shoulders, looking at the general vicinity of Keith's chin again almost timidly. Which isn't like him, timid and Lance are two words that are rarely if ever in the same sentence. He lets out a shuddered breath and and hand goes to his forehead where his fingers tangle in his own bangs as he stares into the middle distance with glazed eyes for a long moment.

Then, eventually, he closes his eyes with a pained notch in his brows. A moment later he just slowly tilts himself forward towards Keith, his posture still curled. He ends up with his forehead pressed against his shoulder near his neck. Contact, that's what his instincts are crying out for. He doesn't know how to tell Keith with words, he can barely think straight, much less articulate something so simple that even he struggles to really understand right now.]

[Regardless of the details behind what his actual feelings for Lance might be, this was still a person Keith cared about on some level. He was someone important to him, someone he felt the need to help, to protect, to be there for, even if it was only just them being teammates, leader and right hand. It didn't matter. Yes, something in Keith wanted it to be more. Friends, family... maybe... and Keith had learned that, sometimes, this place messed with your feelings, and he was afraid that anything he felt might not be real.

But he knew at least enough about what he felt back home. And that was the fact that his team, this little group of people who maybe didn't always get along but still did stupid things between important missions and still managed to occasionally have fun had become really important to him. Sure, he did some stupid stuff, and realizing that there were too many Paladins, and feeling like a failure of a leader had caused his kneejerk reaction of pushing people away. Kick them out of his life before they could do it to him when they realized just how awful he was at being the Black Paladin. And he left... and he hated doing it. It had felt like the better thing to do, though. They had Shiro back, and Allura was a great Paladin, and Lance's bond with Red was growing stronger, so... Keith was redundant and not the better choice.

That didn't mean he cared any less. In fact, because he cared, he was afraid of getting hurt and left before it could happen and be worse than having it be his own choice.

Watching Lance like this now, scared, hurt, damaged... it hurt. It hurt like hell because this was the Lance he knew and cared about, but, at the same time, this was someone who'd been broken. He could see it. And quiznak he wanted to fix it. He hated seeing this. That timid look almost broke Keith because it wasn't Lance... but, at the same time, it was because he could see just how much Lance was hurting. He wasn't oblivious enough to miss it now. It was just there, laid bare, right in front of him. It couldn't be more obvious.

When Lance finally crumbled towards him, Keith was momentarily shocked, and he froze, almost afraid that, if he moved, Lance might pull away again, or push him away instead. Hesitantly, he lifted his arms and then carefully wrapped them around the other Paladin... just... holding him.]

[Instincts are what had him lean forward, all avenues in his mind blocked or exhausted by the devastating and chaotic effects of trauma-induced psychosis and the harsh reality that there's really nothing anyone can do to fix this. Fix him. There's been too much loss, too much trauma and pain and torment and none of them ever really get a break from it.

He's come to realize that Pthumerians, and half Pthumerian children whose nightmare you're living inside of don't grasp the nuance of mortal psychology. They get put in a boat on a bloody river and forced to face and talk about their regrets, their memories are forcibly shared, their dark emotions are given dangerous shadow form to make them talk about trauma or face the consequences.

He's had to relive and recount so many horrible things, being re-traumatized over and over creating more scars layered over more and more scars and on top of that, people keep leaving, even when it seems like they're there for good and have been there for years… they all go. Maybe he's reached his limit.

But there's a part of him that sees Keith in front of him, though without his memories, he still came back. Shiro's also been a constant. And as much as every cell in him is screaming that he can't do this anymore, that he should follow Hunk into the ocean and stay there… he can't leave them. It was excruciating to see Keith again and realize he's forgotten everything, but he'd still felt this overwhelming dedication ~~devotion~~ to be here to protect him as best he can from a repeat of everything in the dream.

Sometimes that means protecting him from himself, yes, but now knowing his powers can't hurt Keith like they had before… maybe he can just lean into him. Hold on to him, let himself just crumble for once and pretend that this is forever and Keith will never leave and he can protect him, even if he can't, and shouldn't, be more than his friend. Though he does know he can't hurt him, his struggle with real and not real has him tense as he leans in Keith's arms still leaking radiation and solar flares.

After a moment, he turns his head to look at Keith's neck, expecting to see it burned and split open. It isn't and he shudders with immense emotion as he stares and waits for it to change. It takes him a bit to convince his broken mind of the reality in front of him enough to fully slump into Keith's chest, his arms shakily coming to cling around his middle as he twists at his waist so his hip is pressed to Keith's thighs. The quiet shuddering isn't likely to stop any time soon. And he's still tamping down on his emotions and thus his powers to prevent them from flaring too dangerously, still not sure how much Keith can tolerate.]

…Please… don't go.

[An unspoken 'again' hangs off the end of that small, muffled and rough plea. It's not clear if he even intended it to be heard, even to himself.]

[A kind of relief washed over Keith when Lance finally responded and leaned into the hug. He'd noticed the moment of staring, wondering what Lance had been thinking in that moment, but he figured he'd done something right when the other Paladin shifted into the hold, putting his own arms around Keith's waist in return. Keith tightened his hold a little, not even feeling the heat or anything from Lance's powers leaking all over the place.

Though, he was going to have to replace another jacket... and shirt... and pants... damn it.

But that was fine as long as he could help-... Well, he wasn't sure what their relationship was at the moment, but whatever. He cared for Lance, and he hated seeing him upset and suffering, so he'd just... be there. As much as he could be.

That tiny plea, barely audible above everything else, above the slowly fading ring in Keith's ears from when Lance exploded earlier, was a lot. Keith tightened his hold a bit.]

I'm gonna do my best to stay. I promise.

[Honestly, it was all he could promise because these sorts of things didn't always seem to happen willingly. But, if he could help it, then he'd stay and support Lance.]

[He knows in his heart that is the best answer Keith can give him and he both hates and appreciates that he doesn't make promises he might not be able to keep. It's something Lance himself has had to do as well, when someone was in pain and afraid of loss… he's never promised he won't go. Because he could go at any time too. It's happened briefly before. God, he wishes sometimes that it hadn't been so brief, but then he'd leave everyone behind without help to get through all… this.

Not that he's been much help to anyone. But that's a problem to dwell on in another time and place. Right now, he's just trying to hold himself together enough not to hurt himself or anyone else. Not including Keith, it seems. He just focuses on his breath, and on Keith, pointedly not thinking about the can of worms that is their relationship. It's taken some time, but he's figured out how to carry that pain and focus on just trying to protect him and… have him in his life, whatever that looks like. Even if it hurts, it's worth it.

He lets out a shuddered breath and nods slightly against Keith's chest in response. It's not long after that the chaos of a solar storm that is his powers starts to calm and get smaller, dissipate. Eventually, it reduces to a bright glow under his skin.

There's a shifting of water next to them from Mariana lifting up to observe them. She seems to tilt her "head" a bit and then lowers back down with a slight nod when she sees Lance is looking at at her from his spot in Keith's hold. He's talked to her enough times to gather that she's not about to drown them, at least. She probably would have already if she was going to. Perhaps he'll come back later to try talking to her properly instead of literally blowing up on her.]

[It was a little tiring, but Keith held up fairly well as Lance's powers started to die down. Thankfully, even if coldblood powers used more energy, Keith already had the endurance of a Mack truck, so it hadn't really affected him too badly. But, he was definitely going to feel this later. He slowly released his own push to counter Lance's temperature as he felt the heat begin to dissipate.

The change in the sound of the water next to them caught his attention, and he shifted his eyes over the top of Lance's head to watch the ocean shift and "watch" them again. He wondered what she was going to do this time, but then she seemed almost... satisfied... lowering herself back into normal water again like she'd never been there. Keith wasn't sure what to make of it, and he found himself subconsciously tightening his hold on Lance in a protective way.]

[When he loses it so thoroughly, his focus included, and his corruption not helping, his powers tear him up cellularly. It happened with his fight with Maul, and he still hasn't fully recovered from that. It feels as though everything inside and all his old wounds have torn open and he's exhausted. Somehow, despite his body being a generator.

His vision goes hazy around the edges and his weight sinks heavier against Keith. The corruption that was on his face and everywhere else has also diminished and now it's just the aftermath. He feels something thick and hot come up his throat and he coughs up what looks like black corruption onto Keith's shirt (or what's left of it). Then he sucks in a rattled, wet and wheezing breath and follows that up with red blood. In a couple hours it'll turn pale in the moonlight after the sun sets.

And with that, he just lets himself give in to sleep.]

[Okay, that was gross. Keith was getting used to the whole blood thing, but whatever else that had been first? Nope. Gross. He grimaced, but gingerly lifted Lance off the ground. He wasn't even sure what to do at this point. Coughing up blood was definitely a bad thing, even without the... whatever that black stuff had been. But would they even be able to do anything for him at the Lumenarium? Or should he just... bring Lance home and patch him up as best he could? He wasn't sure.

So, for now, he'd bring Lance home. Sure, Bolin and Hunk were gone, but Keith would stay for a bit, if only to make sure Lance actually let himself heal a bit. Not that it seemed to be happening anyway, but... he didn't even know anymore. He was drained... and kind of operating on autopilot at this point. He just... needed to go... somewhere else. And he needed to make sure his teammate and friend was okay. Like... deeply needed. His emotions had been messed with so much, he wasn't even sure what was up anymore, but he just... needed this.

So, that was what he did. He'd do what he could. He didn't even know who's room was who's in the house, so he ended up putting Lance on the couch, doing what he could for any injuries he could treat, and then attempted to sit and watch for signs of... who knew... worsening? Something...

Except... he fell asleep, too, when his own exhaustion finally took him.]

[The blood is not a lot and it's bright red, not dark, so it's not an immediate sign of internal breathing. It looks like a raw throat or like his lungs were a little roughed up. Nothing he can't sleep off or recover from with some rest, not that he's going to get it. His corruption was making it worse, but now that it's lowered that will help. Overall, he looks much better than he did, even if he still looks like shit to a degree.

Laying on the couch is something he's done a lot, and it's not hard for him to sleep there. He doesn't sleep much overall or for that long even when he's messed up like this. So not long after Keith falls asleep, he's groggily coming to and isn't entirely cognizant of, well, anything. Bolin is out maybe? Wait, there's a person here. Keith…

Without thought, he shifts closer to Keith and cuddles into him, his arms finding their way around what parts of him are easiest to embrace given their respective positions.]

[The couch hadn't been big enough for them to both lie down next to each other, but he was sitting on the floor, his head resting on his arms. This left him in prime position for Lance to wrap his arms around Keith's shoulders and snuggle next to him.

He was exhausted, though, and didn't immediately react. Instead, he automatically shifted to accommodate, settling into the hold. He sighed softly, and then slowly... very slowly... became aware that something had changed.

Keith hummed slightly in his sleep.]

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video -> voice | un: sharpshooter (april 2nd)

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