text; un: tabris

[peripheries]

Humans talk so much about love, but how do you know what love is? And if a feel you feel is love?

The first time I felt what I thought was love, it was someone else's will. And it was sticky, heavy like my chest was constricted and I couldn't breathe, like I was choking on it.

The next time, I felt elated and weightless, like all pain and sorrow had vanished from the world and my memories. I knew eventually, I'd be hurt but... in that moment, I believed nothing could harm me, and it still cut like a knife when it happened.

Could both of those feelings be love? Or is love something else entirely? Can you hurt someone and still love them? Is being hurt by someone you care for and accepting that hurt a form of love?

How do you know if you're even capable of such feelings?

Comments

un: warden; text

[megatheorem]

Don't let someone treat you poorly and write it off as love. Love isn't an excuse.

[peripheries]

Humans will always hurt each other. It's the nature of living as separate beings. What sort of pain is acceptable and what isn't?

[megatheorem]

Well, I disagree with that. And I'm not sure 'acceptable pain' is a thing. Forgiveness is what you should be looking into, if you're thinking about how much you're willing to put up with.

[peripheries]

Is forgiveness the same as wanting to be near someone even if they hurt you?

[megatheorem]

[can you guys all please lighten up a little.jpg]

It can be involved, I guess. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that drawing a line for yourself is of paramount importance. There has to be a moment you refuse, for your own sake, even if it hurts. This goes for anyone you spend time with, for the record.

Do you want to talk about what happened?

[peripheries]

[...

There's a long pause between messages, with the occasional flutter across keys before-]

Are you angry at me?

[megatheorem]

[ah jeez]

No. Posts like this make me worry about you, though.

[peripheries]

I just want to understand.

[megatheorem]

I know. It's harder to give advice from a limited perspective, but I won't force you to share if it's too much.

(For the record, I don't think love is supposed to be suffocating, either.)

[peripheries]

You saw what happened. What was done. What I did. The house is empty now, like we were never there. Ghosts pretending to live. It was colder than I remembered.

[megatheorem]

That house

[Hmm, well. Hmm! Well!]

deserves it.

You're not still there, are you?

[peripheries]

It was the first place I felt and understood what happiness was. It didn't used to be cold.

[megatheorem]

I know, I know it was different before. I could tell, when I woke up there and I saw all of you. Most of you.

[Fuck that one guy, in particular. But the rest, yeah. That's sure not answering his question, which is a concern he'll circle back to, inevitably.]

It doesn't have to be the last.

[peripheries]

I don't know how to make it again. What if I can't and I'm left longing for something that exists only in the past?

I never thought I'd understand the suffering of being trapped in the past. It's a pit to drown in.

[megatheorem]

It will be if you let it. Nostalgia is a perfectly normal emotion. Everyone longs for the good parts of the past sometimes; I do, plenty.

You do have to keep both, though. As a reminder.

[peripheries]

...I miss everyone. But I don't know how to face them. And if I can't be with them then... I don't want to see them.

[megatheorem]

That's also allowed. I'm not going to preach at you about how love is so beautiful and you have to forgive everyone or else suffer forever; that's just not how it works. You can take time. They owe you time.

[peripheries]

My stomach hurts. I don't know if it's because I want to stay away or because I miss them. I hate this..

[megatheorem]

You could also be hungry.

[this is not a joke. kaworu are you eating right over there. palamedes hears that helps.]

It could be both. Maddeningly, you can feel things that don't make sense together.

[peripheries]

No. I haven't wanted to eat since we returned.

It's stupid. It shouldn't be possible.

[megatheorem]

Wanting to eat and being hungry are different things. Eat something eventually.

It is stupid, but here we are. I can't tell you what to do; if it doesn't come from you, there's no point. But do you want my advice?

[peripheries]

Yes.

[megatheorem]

Alright:

Don't make any decisions while you're still upset. We all want the things that will make us feel the best as quickly as possible, but we can be wrong. Take your time.

[peripheries]

Okay.

...I have your glasses. Part of them.

[megatheorem]

You do?

[oh... he's touched?]

Bring them to the Sanctuary? We'll get you a snack, too.