text; un: tabris

[peripheries]

Humans talk so much about love, but how do you know what love is? And if a feel you feel is love?

The first time I felt what I thought was love, it was someone else's will. And it was sticky, heavy like my chest was constricted and I couldn't breathe, like I was choking on it.

The next time, I felt elated and weightless, like all pain and sorrow had vanished from the world and my memories. I knew eventually, I'd be hurt but... in that moment, I believed nothing could harm me, and it still cut like a knife when it happened.

Could both of those feelings be love? Or is love something else entirely? Can you hurt someone and still love them? Is being hurt by someone you care for and accepting that hurt a form of love?

How do you know if you're even capable of such feelings?

Comments

[grice]

[ it was time to settle down— he sees a hand and regards it with lowering himself until his belly is flattened across the sand. his arm wings stand comfortably propped and the rest of him is just a mass of feathers, and last, but possibly most important: falco hovers the tip of his beak forward until kaworu's hand fits into it. he croons out a sound, drumming but sweet.

perle suspends her flight and roosts over his head, somewhere, and he uses her to speak. his omen's voice is smooth and female. ]

You know how . . . Some people came back in the wrong body? [ he's seen what's been told within the group chat by now. two souls, sharing a body. it was far from the same, but. ] I got stuck in this one.

[peripheries]

I see.

[He knows a bit about having his form changed. Even though his human body never felt right, he didn't like when it was forced to become something else either.

He strokes the beak thoughtfully.]

When will you return to your old form...?

[grice]

[ falco's head remains where it is to successfully harbor the hand on his beak, though his eyes do flit downward, and talons fidget smoothly into sand. ]

I don't know. When Mariana's . . . Feeling better, maybe.

[ he doesn't exactly know of any other trigger. he hopes that it's soon, though, just as much as the next person. ]

[peripheries]

I'll talk to her.

[Determined and passionate, clearly said without much thought for plans or consequences. He's grown but... he still has a ways to go.]

I've spoken to her twice. I could try to find her again.

[grice]

[ —!! angel boy brother-in-law, that is worrying! ]

Kaworu— Thank you, really, but— Mariana was hurt. She's angry. I don't think . . . Asking something of her is the best thing to do right now.

[ it could very possibly result in her getting angrier. ]

[peripheries]

She is angry, but her anger doesn't necessarily mean cruelty. Nor does her calm mean kindness. She is... It's difficult to determine what she will do.

[He sighs, rubbing at his arm.]

But I don't want to cause any more pain.

[grice]

[ falco's eyes set and his brows bend high at their apex: concern is beneath the shroud of his mask, despite being hard to see. ]

. . . I'm not in pain. [ not right now, at least. ] Maybe we can, contact her, that is— but maybe we can think on it a little better. It's not an emergency.

[peripheries]

...I know but I don't like feeling useless.

[It's as much of a complaint as it is a realization. He wants to help Falco but not against his will. Especially not after what happened on the sea. But the lingering desire to do something remains.]

[grice]

[ falco’s big doe eyes keep settled on kaworu, a saddened knot sitting at the base of his throat. he thinks back and his own messaging was probably a distraction . . . so he starts: ]

You asked what happened with me. And you were asking about love.

Do you want to talk about what happened to you?

[peripheries]

No.

[He wraps his arms around his stomach, posture oddly tense and twisted as though collapsed by an unseen force. Still, he's as raw and open as ever, bleeding emotion like an open wound.]

But I want someone to give me answers. And I know the only way to get them is through the doing so.

[grice]

[ falco tips his head downward in acknowledgement. he respects the boundary and doesn’t push, but it was worth asking. ]

We can talk abou that, if you’d like. [ he was young, but . . . love wasn’t just romantic. he thinks he could talk and help comb out what he’s feeling. it’s windy out here, too— so falco adjusts how he’s laying and makes his body slant in a way that could accommodate leaning, even laying. ] Want to come closer?

[peripheries]

I don't know if I want to talk about it.

[Kaworu comes closer still and then presses himself against Falco with little coaxing. He presses his face into the feathers. They're warm. Like a bed he shared with others.]

Is it wrong to avoid painful things?

[grice]

[ was kaworu ready . . . to disappear?? he’s gone in the fluff of feathers once falco pulls a wing in. he’s gone. it’s magic. ]

Of course not, [ he doesn’t think too much to say it. it was an obvious answer. ] it hurts, so— it’s natural to avoid something painful.

Some people talk when they’re ready, and . . . Some people never talk. That’s okay.

[peripheries]

If you don't talk, how can anyone ever understand you? Doesn't that just bring more pain?

I don't understand it all.

[He's gone! He wishes he were really gone though. At least for a bit. Gone away to a place less confusing than here. Even if that place were just a few days ago.]

[grice]

Yeah . . . That's right.

[ how to explain himself, at least— ]

What I meant was, [ falco digs in a breath, and that briefly fluffs up the feathers outward before they settle. ] It's hard to understand because no one works the same way. I could tell someone that they need to talk about something horrible because it's important, but— what if that's not how they work? What if they're better off putting it behind them, or if they just don't want to talk about it yet, like you?

[ it's a difficult concept even for adults to wrap their heads around. falco may be a bit ahead of his time, but he's still young, too. he could learn tons. ]

You don't have to feel forced to talk about anything. Talking does help some people understand more if that's what you want, so that they could help you too— but it doesn't have to be the only way.

[peripheries]

You're right. We're all individuals and we view the world with only our eyes. That means everyone will feel differently and if you try to proceed with only how you feel, then you'll inevitably invite misunderstanding and even pain. We can try to guess but we'll never really know what someone else is feeling.

...Which means I could make the wrong choice and make things worse.

[He collapses further into the fluff, shifting a little so it doesn't tickle his nose so much.]

I don't want to lose anyone.

[grice]

[ in general, yes, but falco hopes the other parties involved also want to talk. the plumage protects them from the chilly beach winds, and may keep him warm even when the sun is hidden. ]

You’d have to talk little steps, maybe . . . Is someone mad at you?