text | un: xX_coolbonebabe_Xx

[acidjail]

content warnings: identity theft, salacious libel

[ Someone logs onto their very own Omni, in a normal and regular fashion. ]

How do you do, fellow squids. This is Gideon Nav, cavalier of the Ninth House, here to clear up some critical misinformation I have seen circulating around our gutterswill nightmare local network.



FIRSTLY, I must correct the record on 'all pretty ladies' being 'into' me. This is not true! Whatever rude physical charms I possess are vastly outweighed by my many serious defects of character. Women are repulsed by my crude jokes and my leering eyes.

SECOND, my claims to insight into the workings of the Empire of the Nine Houses have been grossly overstated on my part. I know less than nothing, having invented numerous disgusting rumors and scurrilous accusations out of my own feverish, obscene imagination. There is nothing 'problematic' about the blessed Saints, and I frankly deserve to be scourged for my heresy!

THIRD, many of my deficiencies may be laid squarely at the foot of the Ninth House. We have spent all of our money on candles instead of nutritional supplements or modern educational materials, and I have therefore learned everything I know from pornographic magazines.

FOURTH, bone magic is not the superior branch of necromancy. In fact, bones are stupid, and I hate to look at them.

FIFTH, I claim to be so clever, and yet I keep falling into traps. Curious!!

I am extremely sorry for my appalling behavior and wish to be a good little cavalier going forward. If you have any questions or comments, present them now, and I will strive to make right all that I have done so obstinately wrong!

Comments

Text UN: 1stStrike

[strikefirster]

Look Gids,

We literally just told them to go fuck themselves over manwiches like an hour ago?

What the fuck is this?

If you're still pissed about me sleeping with your weird momdad's sperm donorstealer I totally get it. But you're not doing anyone any favors by bending a weird ass knee to them to get back at me.

[acidjail]

I am SIMPLY making amends for my myriad of sins!

And it is disgusting of you to assume that this has anything to do with the incident. That topic of discussion is shut!

text; username: reueschwert

[hauntedsavior]

Yeah?
All right. If you're G, how many times have we talked about banging each other in the back of a '52 Ford?

[acidjail]

[ A challenge? So be it. ]

I can't recall the precise number, because it occupies my thoughts nearly as much as swinging about my sword and flexing my muscles.

Text | un: leavemytomatoesalone

[justoscar]

um. It's not very Bone Sis of you to sound like you fell out of a dictionary

[acidjail]

Is it so unbelievable I would aim to better myself?

Well. I suppose it is, given how I wallow in my ignorance as happily as a sow, but never mind that. I have had a revelation.

1/2

[payingfordeliverance]

[Oh, thank heavens. Last month the network was a cesspit of righteous vengeance and half the town screaming about the morality of things like human sacrifice and arson. Now, at last, someone has again posted something hilarious for Break to enjoy over morning tea.]

Text | un: lookingglass

[payingfordeliverance]

I must say, you've a terribly eloquent way of writing for someone whose education has come solely from pornography. Your world must have awfully high standards for its erotica!

[He has no idea who Gideon Nav is, except that this person probably is not she and he wishes to subscribe to their newsletter. What a fine day to be a Victorian man who now has access to the internet.]

text, un: AskMalice

[slayerskiss]

The fuck's up with you?

[acidjail]

I am repenting of my vulgar ways and committing myself to a life of humility, modesty, and charity.

text; un: tabris

[peripheries]

[Something is off. He can feel it in his brain (familarity) and his soul (his bond). He squints at the message in front of him, like someone attempting high level math, trying to figure out what is going on.

...Okay. He has no idea. But he knows one thing.]

Gideon knows all the ladies are into her and she doesn't care about any of that other stuff. Who is this? Why are you trying to imitate her and doing a bad job?

[acidjail]

I care about all of those things! I only pretend that I don't because I come from a House as miserly about its secrets as it is about its recruits.

text | un: deku

[wannasmash]

[ No way this is Gideon, but who could it be? Harrowhark has a larger vocabulary, and Midoriya doesn't know her well, but he doubts she'd do this and she wouldn't insult bones. Ortus is right out; he'd never disrespect Gideon like this. Augustine? No. And Alfred, never. Neither Johnny Lawrence nor Daniel Larusso would insult her like that. Anna never sounds like she wants to see the manager. Paul, Kaworu, and Illarion don't talk like this and wouldn't say these things either, even as a joke. Ruby would break character...

Midoriya continues to overthink™ and rule out everyone he knows and thinks Gideon might know--Palamedes, Viktor, Faith, Chara, even that creepy woman with the arm who seems to have disappeared--and comes up empty. No matter who this prankster(?) is, it doesn't change Midoriya's response: ]

That's too mean. Give Gideon-san back her Omni.

his swirly thought lines are no match for spite concentrate (tm)

[acidjail]

[ Another brave protector emerging from the woodwork. It's a wonder the chit ever bothered learning to raise a sword, considering how people simply fall all over themselves to coo over her. ]

What's 'mean' are all of the cruel, unfair lies I've been telling!

text un: vi

[faceblocks]

[that sure is a bunch of words.]

does this mean you're not gonna teach me that dance?

[acidjail]

[ In spite of herself, Woe recognizes this name. It changes nothing, but she recognizes it. ]

You would not want to see what passes for a skeleton dance.

[ And worse yet, their xyla-bones. ]

text; un: eriks

[underbluesky]

You shouldn't say things like that about yourself :(

[acidjail]

[ Well. ]

Rigorous self-inventory is the first step towards progress.

text | un: sds

[fogsong]

No idea who you are but this is giving me a cry for help vibe.

You good?

[acidjail]

It is a cry for help. I am in dire need of reform, especially when it comes to my choices in eye wear.

text | un: duty | private

[martyrofduty]

So you aren't seriously harming the baby, then.

private ∞

[acidjail]

Of course not. What do I get from that?

[ The classic Mercy one-two. ]

I'll set her toddling off when I'm finished with her.

[text] un: QueenCobra

[abornfighter]

Who are you and what have you done with Gideon?

[acidjail]

Not one of you have any faith.

un: GoldenFlowers, text

[the_obedient_servant]

This is the saddest thing I have ever seen in my life.

[acidjail]

What a blessed life you must lead.

un: eudaimonikos; text

[eudaimonikos]

Bones ARE stupid and bad to look at, and I'm glad someone else is seeing this!

[He can see that this post is weird but like, he doesn't care, he's got an anti-bone agenda]

[acidjail]

[ Finally. Vindication! ]

No one needs to see all of that out in the chilly light of day! If you're going to insist on displaying the things, the very least you could do is not leaving them nude, but no! Not for the Ninth House, because we like to pretend we're purists while we grub in our ancestral dirt and make calf-eyes at monsters!!