deernet | [Text] un: justanadventurer [Locked from Jinx]

that is very kind of you

[ But, then again, it's nothing unexpected coming from Nara'a. ]

i am not entirely sure what this therapy thing is though
you make it sound like something that might be complicated to learn
maybe there is someone in this place who already knows how it works
?
maybe that person could help instead
unless the person you are trying to help only wants to be helped by you

I think that they might be. They don't trust very easily. But I am doing my best so that they can get the help that they deserve.

I think things have been very hard for them for a long time and they didn't know how to ask for help.

i am so sorry to hear that
that sounds awful
though i suppose i have met a few people in this place who do seem like that

[ Not that Chizuru knows they're basically thinking of the same person here.

.. even though Chizuru knows some other people who fall into the same category, Nara'a himself included.. ]

i wish they knew that it is always alright to reach out for help
especially in this place
most people i have met here are so kind and always willing to help
i know it is different in many other places including the place i come from
but there is so much help here

I know. It's different where I come from, too. I think the more dangerous a world someone comes from the less likely they are to reach out. Danger makes you insular, makes you worry about protecting you and yours first and foremost. Danger makes reaching out terrifying because you don't know what other people are going to do.

[Although he's always reaching out to help others, it's not that often he gets a hand extended to him in return. Combined with his general upbringing and traditions and it just doesn't occur to him that he might need to reach out for help.]

I think a lot of people come from dangerous places or other situations that make it hard to ask for help. I wish there was a way that I could let them all know that it's okay in a way that would make them believe me.

[ That last part.. ]

you are so kind

[ Obviously so. It's something Chizuru has always thought about Nara'a, and it's not like she's never told him it before.

But when he's saying something so generally nice, acknowledging that is the least she can do, right? ]

do you think a lot of people may be struggling with it here because of that
?
because this place is so dangerous
i think it might be more dangerous than any other place out there

[ And the place Chizuru came from was in the middle of a war, so it's not like she's comparing it with the most peaceful of places.. But Trench still seems much more dangerous than that. More dangerous than anything the girl could imagine. ]

I think so. But I think a lot of people are bringing in a lot of fear from where they're from.

It's dangerous, but dangerous in different ways.

A different way? How exactly?

It's dangerous to your mind as well as your body. Other places might only be dangerous to one or the other.

i suppose you are right

[ Granted, while Chizuru is pretty sure the place she comes from is mostly just dangerous to your body, she knows the toll that war can have on one's mind too..

But that's way less direct than what's going on here in Trench, and she knows it. ]

to be honest
i wish there were better ways to look out for each other here
i am doing all i can but it never feels like it is enough

[ Yes, that's a little hard to admit. But Nara'a asked her to be open about her feelings, so she's.. trying here, even if this is still a relatively mild thing to admit to compared to some more difficult feelings she's got. ]

I know you are.

And it is enough. In your own way, it's enough.

[She might not be a fighter, but she still looks out for people. Hopefully she can understand that, at least.]

do you really think it is alright though
?

[ There's a tiny pause - where she realises that Nara'a is probably assuming that this has to do with their previous conversation, which.. yes, it kind of does, but it's also-- ]

should less people not get hurt if it was really enough
there are still so many people suffering here so often
it does not feel like enough until we can prevent that

Maybe more people would be hurt if you didn't do what you do. You never really know.

I don't mean that it's 'enough' in that we can stop trying to improve, but it's enough in the sense that you are doing what you can and no one can or should ask for more than that.

I know a lot of people are suffering. I want to help them. But you're going to push yourself too hard if you keep thinking that what you do is never enough.

Of course it'll never seem like enough - the mountains of troubles ahead of you. And you can't run away from it because you're too damn kind. But if you can't turn away because you're too much of a bleeding heart then you're just going to burn your candle wick to ashes and deal with the consequences, and then you'll never have helped anyone.

[There's about a minute before Nara'a texts again.]

... I'm so sorry, I don't remember typing that last bit. It... it's true that you sometimes have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, but I would not have put it that way.

[ ...

Oh.

Chizuru stares at this message for a little bit. Sure, the one part stands out a little bit to her, but not more so until she reads what directly follows it, making her blink at the device for a moment.

Rather than directly addressing that earlier message, she instead writes: ]

are you alright
?
is something wrong with you
why do you not remember typing something

[ That seems concerning? And sure, she'd love to continue this discussion about taking care of people, but it feels like she has to make sure to take care of Nara'a right now first. ]

It's fine.

It's something I have to deal with myself.

Please don't worry about it.

[He knows she will, but he can at least try.]

do you really not want to tell me
?

maybe it is something i can help with
my father is a doctor and i have often helped him

I do not think this is something a doctor can help with.

And it very much is not something I would like to discuss in public.

[He knows there's private filters but... he's not sure how reliable they are.]

that would not be a problem
the part about not wanting to discuss it in public i mean
i have time
i can come over to wherever you want so we can talk about it that way

[ Apparently she's not going to let go that easily, huh.. ]

[Gods damn it.]

... All right.

You can come over now if you'd like. Or I could meet you somewhere.

i will come over

[ Please, if she's going to gently nudge Nara'a into talking about this, then the last Chizuru can do is at least make it easier on him by not forcing him to go anywhere else.

She doesn't mind coming to him. ]

please wait
i promise i will be there as soon as possible

[ She'll keep her word on that one, since it definitely won't be long - just long enough for Chizuru to make the trip over with some handy lantern usage - before there's a knock at the door. ]

[He doesn't respond to the message, just makes some tea and sets it out for her. He knows roughly the time it takes to get to his place. He doesn't... want to have this discussion, but his hand has been forced at this point.]

[He opens the door when she knocks on it and ushers her in.]

Hey there. ... Come on in and warm up. I have tea.

[It's floral, so it's not going to be something too distracting.]

Thank you.

[ At least nothing about Chizuru seems too tense when she's standing there after he opens the door. Sure, she is worried deep down about what could possibly be going on with Nara'a, but.. on the other hand, she doesn't want to put too much pressure on the other, doesn't want to cause any negative feelings.

So when she enters and gratefully nods at the other, Chizuru tries her best to seem a little more relaxed.

Like they're just friends hanging out - which they are! - but just without the heavy topic that's bound to be spoken about in a moment.

She'll wait until he guides her over to the right room, but then moves to sit down there. ]

And, um.. thank you for letting me come over as well. [ Even if Chizuru did push her way into it.. j-just a little bit.. ]

[He takes her coat for her to hang up near the door and sits down with her.]

[He's glad she's pushing a bit more... he just wishes it wasn't on this topic. He sighs and tries to think of how to begin. Maybe... maybe the same story he told Maul once, long ago.]

I'm... going to tell you a story.

Once there was a famous adventurer who did everything people asked of him. In the course of doing so he found a heretic's body, the remains of someone hated by the church for wielding powers that they did not understand and could not control. He touched a crystal near the body and found a man standing before him, offering to teach him those dark arts.

He did what his teacher asked - slaughtered creatures, communed with the darkness within, and saved many innocents. But still he would not stop helping when people asked.

His teacher told him to stop. But this, he could not do. Even when his teacher cursed out those who tried to get the man to help, he would not stop. Eventually his teacher told him that they would go away to a distant land, where people did not know him and could not ask for his help. He told him that he would await his answer.

The day came, and the man went out from a fort to help others once again. He came back to the camp to find slaughtered people on the ground - innocents. And among them his teacher stood, waiting for him. He fought his teacher, the blows echoing throughout the snow-filled landscape. And his teacher revealed his face for the first time... and it was the adventurer's face. He had wished for a teacher, and so one was given to him. But even in the face of his own self he could not give in.

He struck his teacher down, landing the mortal blow... but one's dark side cannot be so easily killed. His teacher stood, looking at the man with all of the knights behind him... and told the man he would always be watching and waiting to take the reins before disappearing. The commander told the knights to never speak of it again, and they didn't.

The man went on to do a great many things, including face another side of himself - one of grief and sadness. He overcame that, too... but anger and sadness never truly go away. He's not - I...

I'm not crazy. I just... struggle with thoughts and feelings and desires and sometimes they... leak out. More physically than for other people, it seems.

[ When Chizuru sits there and obediently listens, she thinks that at first it almost sounds like-- like a fairytale. Like a legend. Maybe it's the way Nara'a is telling it, but it truly sounds that way to her, even as she already figures that the story will actually be about him in the end.

The story's events sure don't help her first impression though. She can get why he's saying he's not crazy.. it's a wild series of events, something that might have seemed unbelievable to Chizuru if she hadn't seen even stranger things in this place.

So rather than disbelieving any of it, she instead takes it in. Quietly, seeming to think, and then finally speaking up. ]

So.. You're saying that when you experience an extreme emotion, there could suddenly be.. another one of you..?

I... I don't know, Chizuru. I don't know if he's less able to manifest because the soul crystal isn't here but sometimes... I don't hear voices, but it's like an emotional surge. I can't explain it very well, but I... have a lot going on in my mind and soul.

[From Fray and Myste to his Reaper pact to... Ardbert.]

I'm... sorry if I'm not making much sense. A lot of it doesn't make much sense to me, and I lived it.

[ She shakes her head. ]

No, it's okay. I, um..

[ Chizuru seems to think for a moment, but then pats the spot on the couch next to her, like she's wordlessly asking Nara'a to come sit a little closer to her.

If he does, then Chizuru will move to gently take both of his hands into her own. They're soft and relatively warm, despite just having gone through the cold to get here in the first place. ]

You can tell me anything. [ She smiles at him. ] You know that, right?

[ Sure, Nara'a may have trouble with the telling part in the first place, but.. she does think he knows she's always open to listening to him. ]

And I'll believe everything you tell me too. If it's something that doesn't make much sense, then.. I'll just think about it until it makes sense. [ A little cheesy, maybe, but Chizuru seems to say it with such warm and soft conviction. ] Do you understand..? All of this might be scary, but.. you're not alone in it.

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cw: Spoilers for Dark Knight 50

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Shadowbringers spoilers

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