004 // text; username: werbinich

[hauntedsavior]

[this, like most of the posts that anna makes, comes in the middle of a sleepless night. she's gone as anonymous as she possibly can, at least. maybe that will stop people from calling her out. maybe one day she'll learn how to talk about her emotions without sounding like a theater kid turned supervillain.]

How are we all feeling in the wake of January?
Are we feeling whole? Normal? Like ourselves?
Suppose you aren't. Suppose you walked, or flapped, or slithered away from the shedding ceremony feeling extremely different.
Could any of you pinpoint that change, do you think?
Would any of you even still be aware that you used to be someone different?

And on the other side of the coin, for people who returned to "normal".
Do you remember what happened? Do you remember who you were?
Or is it all turning into some kind of soup within your own brain?
Do you have any way to stay that gnawing feeling of dread inside you when you think of the way you're losing touch with your own identity?

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about... call it a thought experiment.

Comments

text; un: endless

[manyone]

The more I am changed, the more I become myself.

[hauntedsavior]

Elaborate on that.

[manyone]

Everyone changes as they live. The result is that changing is simply a method in understanding the self, whether emotionally, physically, or mentally.

You become who you are all the time and you can't step back to who you were.

[hauntedsavior]

That is normally what I would say here, yes.
What I am is the sum of a thousand lives, and many of those are my own.
But given we're dealing with a magic god who tore open a hole into an alternate reality using snakeskin, I doubt this is the incremental change you exactly had in mind.
Consider instead an entire second person being shoved inside of your body all at once.
Without the chance to get used to it in a months-long drip feed.

[manyone]

I am many people already. I hold the memories of many lives. Many other people that have been wrought into my mind.

I hold multitudes already. Another is no concern.

[hauntedsavior]

How did you react to the first?

[manyone]

You say that as if I WERE the first.

[hauntedsavior]

Does the first exist anymore?
Or, to your point, has it ceased to matter given enough time and effort?

[manyone]

She exists, somewhere.
She existed here, once, before she went back to the sea.
She exists within me, too.
I hold her memories, her hopes, her cherished dreams, and burning anger.
All of it is within me and I feel it just as keenly.

[hauntedsavior]

[sou desu ka.]

How do you handle it?
The anger, in particular.
How do you reconcile it with the way you are?

[manyone]

The anger is part of why I exist. Perhaps the only reason I exist.
It is mine to cherish and hold.
It is mine to use.
It is mine to protect.

[hauntedsavior]

Does it not burn you from within?
Does it not eat away at your edges, piece by piece, until you fear it will consume you entirely?

[manyone]

No.
How could it, when I rose from it's ashes?

[hauntedsavior]

Hey, young blood.
You keep the flame alight inside of you, then. As a reminder of where you came from.
Something you have let forge you that can never be forgotten.
As you have said from the beginning.
You never feared it? You truly knew from the beginning the way that it would all end up?

[manyone]

I didn't know.
But I couldn't fear it, because otherwise I couldn't go forward.

[hauntedsavior]

Do you think someone with less experience, with fewer people inside of them could one day reach your level?
To understand that fear is, as they say, the mind killer?

[manyone]

Yes. I think it's attainable for anyone. No matter how many memories they contain.
You cannot fear what you are becoming.
Embrace it. It's a beautiful thing.

[hauntedsavior]

There is never enough to give, only plenty to take.

I don't know that I can face the flame as bravely as you.

[manyone]

I'm sure you can.
You don't have a choice, after all.

[hauntedsavior]

I have a choice in how much I allow it to hurt me.
If your words are true.

[manyone]

That's true.
You'll have to decide that, somehow.

[hauntedsavior]

I am not entirely sure I should be thanking you for this conversation.
But I will thank you for your time.
Congratulations on rising as a phoenix.
Give Sayo my regards, Beatrice.

[manyone]

And whose name shall I append to these regards?

[hauntedsavior]

The Dread Captain.