004 // text; username: werbinich

[hauntedsavior]

[this, like most of the posts that anna makes, comes in the middle of a sleepless night. she's gone as anonymous as she possibly can, at least. maybe that will stop people from calling her out. maybe one day she'll learn how to talk about her emotions without sounding like a theater kid turned supervillain.]

How are we all feeling in the wake of January?
Are we feeling whole? Normal? Like ourselves?
Suppose you aren't. Suppose you walked, or flapped, or slithered away from the shedding ceremony feeling extremely different.
Could any of you pinpoint that change, do you think?
Would any of you even still be aware that you used to be someone different?

And on the other side of the coin, for people who returned to "normal".
Do you remember what happened? Do you remember who you were?
Or is it all turning into some kind of soup within your own brain?
Do you have any way to stay that gnawing feeling of dread inside you when you think of the way you're losing touch with your own identity?

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about... call it a thought experiment.

Comments

text; un: lstr-512

[lstr]

[ huh. who could this possibly be. anyway, ]

I think the idea of a fixed self is flawed. There's no way to draw a line between who you are and who you were, not really. Or even tell where "you" end and another starts.

I know that isn't a comforting idea for everyone, but I've made peace with it. Constant agonizing over whether your actions and feelings are your own just isn't useful. You can't confirm your identity if all you do is worry about it.

[hauntedsavior]

[es gibt niemand.]

It must have taken some time to make peace with it. More than a faint memory can provide.
Time truly is the celestial elixir here, is it not?
But think back to before you had made peace with it. When it had been difficult for you.
I already know that it will be all right in the end. I have seen it.

text; un: KLBR-S2302

[wingstosee]

I think the shedding ceremony might be the only reason I'm here.
It's

I'm aware.
I don't like thinking about it.

text; un: endless

[manyone]

You shouldn't be hard on yourself.

Within the "you" that exists now there are multitudes.

[hauntedsavior]

[ah, fuck.]

How are people taking to the new you?

private

[foulhussy]

I don't really get you.

But you have a place here. I'll make sure of that.

text; un: endless

[manyone]

The more I am changed, the more I become myself.

[hauntedsavior]

Elaborate on that.

Text | un: youngapprentice

[slightlytaller]

I honestly have no idea what's normal anymore, besides it being a reference to an unknown control group that lets the experimental hypotheticals be seen.

I've got my own memories, but I've got Other Memories too. I guess it's becoming some kinda soup in my head. Like... A chowder. Or maybe mushy peas.


It feels like I'm trapped between the Scylla and Charybdis. Either way this goes, I'm probably screwed.

[hauntedsavior]

Perhaps so.
Do you have any faith that the wreck the whirlpool swallowed will resurface one day?
Or would it belong more to Theseus than Odysseus at that point?

Text UN: 1stStrike

[strikefirster]

I slithered on the ground.
I flew through the sky.

Then I shed my pussy snake skin and bird feathers.
And became a man.

It was badass.

text; un: pareidolia

[toteninsel]

[ This response has a certain beauty to it, and a certain horror. Whoever this is, he must be a good storyteller. ]

It sounds like what I'd imagine being a butterfly is like.

Was it beautiful? Were you afraid?

[ Badass can mean anything, after all. ]

Text UN: ClickClickBloom

[onekindsoul]

I remember it.
It was kind of weird but fun at the same time.
It- was weird feeling light and young like that again.

Definitely weird knowing my wife was babysitting me during it.

[hauntedsavior]

Ah, so you traveled back in time rather than transforming entirely?
Interesting. How are the memories of your actual childhood affecting the memories you received here?
Are they?
Have you asked Ange?

text; un: pareidolia

[toteninsel]

They gave you a ceremony? What a kindness. The next time it happens, I'll bring you an offering. Whatever you are.

I gave into the dread a long time ago. I only recall parts of who I used to be. That's probably for the best.

Instead, I remember who I love.

[hauntedsavior]

It happens annually, if this town can survive another year. But I begin to doubt its odds.

[she thinks, then. of snow-in-summer, of kriemhild. of the universe after universe where she and kainé were in love. so many things changing over the same ten thousand years and yet they always seem to find each other. she thinks of herself, now, and the way that each love crashes into the other like a starfield.]

Was the dread preferable to assembling yourself from scraps?

voice-to-text | un: deku

[wannasmash]

i'm sorry you're feeling this way.

i remember everything as wells a person can when it's sometimes years that separate the versions of my self. maybe people who remember things perfectly have a different experience.

it memories are unreliable either way, think about what you would do and the decisions you'd make write right now. the people you care about and why you care about them.
that's who you are. that's who i am.

[hauntedsavior]

Suppose you are thinking on these things and you are listening to the different parts of yourself.
And you are hearing them scream at each other.
Because they are in direct conflict.
Fear and love all collide and all at once.

How can you decide who wins?
Who will survive, and what will be left of them?

[Text] [Anonymous]

[aetherweaver]

[He almost sends this without going anonymous, but... well. That last part has him thinking.]

I remember what I was. A child, weak and afraid again. Unable to help anyone, least of all myself.

But I lost touch with that part of myself a long time ago. I was just another of many sellswords. Then I was built into a hero, because I was 'destined' to be by powers I had no control over. My identity is...

... It's less what I want it to be. It's more what they want it to be.

I know some of the core things that I want to define myself, but I've been made to do things. Things I did of my own free will, but situations forced my hand. I could have walked away, I suppose. But that's too much blood on my hands.

Though I already have plenty of that.

[hauntedsavior]

Torn left and right and every which way, all in the name of duty.
A duty thrust upon you. A duty decided by others.
That may not be what I was talking about, but it's worth discussing all the same.
It can feel like a separate person entirely, having the weight of the world thrust upon you like that.
But you keep going nevertheless?

It would be easy to lay down your arms and retire. Walk away from it all and let what happens happen.
But after doing it for so long, it does start to feel like your purpose, doesn't it?
Like you wouldn't know who you are without it.

un: GoldenFlowers, text

[the_obedient_servant]

Far better than last time.

[hauntedsavior]

Sou desu ka?
Which way did the chips fall this year? Are you even larger on the inside now?

text; un: hummingbird

[fanfavors]

Nothing happened to me, but my brothers all changed. They were all soooo insistent that they were completely different people with no crossover at all! But they treated me the same as always.

I don't know what that means.

[hauntedsavior]

And they still recognized you as their sibling? That is interesting.
It may mean that you're such a constant in their lives that it persists beyond the boundaries of universes.
I would consider it encouraging that you have such a strong identity.

private, aonymous

[foulhussy]

I don't understand either, love.

I love you. Never leave me.

private;

[hauntedsavior]

I love you.

I will stay.

I'm sorry.

text; un: Shiro

[shiro2hero]

Yeah. I remember.

I remember being a very... very stupid teenager. Both times I've been through it. Probably not the most helpful answer, since I haven't really experienced a drastic change either time, sorry.

[hauntedsavior]

It's still useful information to have, I believe.
Do you remember having your existing memories as a teenager?
I have heard conflicting information about this.
I don't believe I recalled many specifics, but others have said they remembered nothing at all.

text; un: kolchek

[hearuthinking]

I sorta remember it
It was fucking weird
I was still me, just different
In one shed I was super focused on a job. It was my whole reason for being
And the other time I was just a werewolf. Which woulda been a lot weirder if it was during the full moon

[hauntedsavior]

Imagine being a werewolf on top of our normal threat of beasthood.
There would scarcely be a safe time of month for you. How horrible.
Was the job-focused one something that you would not normally be focused on?
Perhaps something that you gave up in the past, that Madame Generosity suddenly saw to return you to?

text; un: dux

[lludw]

[He's just recently made a username for thoughts he doesn't want traced back to him. But oh well, this new new one will have to be a throwaway. It is much easier to speak about this, finally, if the experience appears to belong to no one.]

Not this year. But I remember what happened last year. I woke up as a different version of me, who thought he'd been the one in Trench from the start. He remembered everyone. Fit right in. I still remember parts of his life, about as well as some of mine. Picked up a bit of his skills, too, which is useful.

But everything that's his is only his, and what's mine is only mine. It just makes who I am clearer, not soup.

[The more relevant question is what it means for who he wants to be. So naturally, he's going to skip over that topic.]

You want to know the funny part?

No one noticed.

He was...livlier, I think. But we acted more or less the same overall. The difference is that most of the time, I'm lying, and most of the time he wasn't.

[hauntedsavior]

That's an interesting little dichotomy.
No one noticed the difference except you, and it was a stark enough difference that you wanted to keep the two of them as separate as possible.
So you have full knowledge of this alternate version of yourself, and you despise him, I assume.

How has it been treating you?
Keeping in mind that I know very well you'll probably lie about it and I won't judge you.

text; un: ushiromiya; private

[entreats]

[ German username, huh. Knowing that Ruby is her wife? It all checks out.

Can't hide from a sleuth. Or a sister. ]

Didn't you fully change back?

[ Does she really have to call you by name to let you know she's figured you out, Anna. Ange likes to think it's pretty obvious. ]

private;

[hauntedsavior]

Yes. She gave me back, just like she promised she would.
But I still remember her.
She isn't going away entirely. It's ten thousand years of anger fitting into a space that could barely handle ten.

I'm really glad she didn't do anything to you, Ange.

text | un: justafarmlad

[justoscar]

Every single year since I left home, the same thing happens. I get turned into a girl for a little while.

She's not really that much different from me, besides being a little shorter and... a girl. Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal?

But if you're asking a question like this, I'm guessing your time last month wasn't so easy.

[hauntedsavior]

Far from it.
But you are okay with it?
It seems to be the same kind of conflict of identity.
But if you didn't seem to be bothered by it... maybe it reveals more about yourself than you think.
Wouldn't you say?

un: aweful, text

[necroprince]

[Hmm, the style of speech is vaguely familiar but Ianthe doesn't care enough to disentangle it. It's certainly not anyone from her world, and that's all that matters.]

My other self actually left notes apparently. Comparing the differences, filling me in on what she knew that she thought I might have been kept in the dark about.

I vaguely remember it all, but it hardly matters.

[hauntedsavior]

[there's a spike of anger from within anna that threatens to break through her chest and spill her guts when she sees who's speaking to her. there's the insistence, still, that this is a child who doesn't know how to talk to her superiors.]

[she takes the time to crush that impulse back down. that isn't her. she likes ianthe well enough. there's a long while before her reply.]

Would that we could all have other versions of ourselves so dedicated to preparation.
Why don't you believe it matters? Do you think it's the last time something like this may come up?

text; un: tabris

[peripheries]

I don't remember... I imagine it's like what a dream feels like. Real but distant from reality at the same time.

[hauntedsavior]

Would you believe that I know what that feels like from a time before this one?
Because that is exactly what walking within a dream is like, and for parts of myself, that is exactly the connection I have with them.
Does it frustrate you when you try to reach out to those parts of you?
Or is it something you're willing to accept as mysterious and ephemeral?

Text; un: darkness

[survivalthroughhate]

It's bittersweet, to experience that part of my life again in a much happier way and knowing it could have been so much different had only a few simple things about it changed.

[hauntedsavior]

I'm still waiting to find the sweetness.
There is a version of myself who did everything that was asked of them and was rewarded handsomely for it.
Education, love, money and prestige.
And yet, knowing what they had given up to reach that point tasted of naught but acid.

Can you tell that you were truly happier, or did it just seem that way to others so strongly that you believed it yourself?

text; un: Hadron

[terribibble]

I was never not myself. If Universe A and Universe B exist side by side, and the you in Universe A takes a left turn while the you in Universe B takes a right, they are not suddenly two different people. They're just you on one of two different paths, which are only two out of potentially infinite possibilities.

Besides, this is why I keep a daily log. It isn't hard to realize your mind's been messed with if you have an external copy to check against.

[Which sounds very reasonable until you realize he's the guy that messes with his mind the most, but it's fine, that's different.]

[hauntedsavior]

Interesting.
You aren't the first person I've met who has kept a log of things.
What kinds of things do you document in your log?