deernet | 004 // text; username: werbinich

[this, like most of the posts that anna makes, comes in the middle of a sleepless night. she's gone as anonymous as she possibly can, at least. maybe that will stop people from calling her out. maybe one day she'll learn how to talk about her emotions without sounding like a theater kid turned supervillain.]

How are we all feeling in the wake of January?
Are we feeling whole? Normal? Like ourselves?
Suppose you aren't. Suppose you walked, or flapped, or slithered away from the shedding ceremony feeling extremely different.
Could any of you pinpoint that change, do you think?
Would any of you even still be aware that you used to be someone different?

And on the other side of the coin, for people who returned to "normal".
Do you remember what happened? Do you remember who you were?
Or is it all turning into some kind of soup within your own brain?
Do you have any way to stay that gnawing feeling of dread inside you when you think of the way you're losing touch with your own identity?

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about... call it a thought experiment.

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[ He knows a few people who talk like this. It's usually when they're quoting something... or really going through hell. ]

i'm sorry you lost someone. the other you. i who is not i.
it's an empty hole inside. it's like losing a part of you.

[ He doesn't ask about feelings messier than love. He has friendships that are torrid and intense. Words such as friend, rival, and enemy can't come close to describing what some people mean to him. He never bothers to explain some odd relationships in his life unless really pressed. ]

what do you mean by always been here?
what happened? what did you do?

I held communion with him.

[she's trying to be delicate about it. she's not sure she can.]

He is a presence who has been in my life nearly since I arrived.
And, if I am right, he has been with me well before coming here.
And if this place is simply another version of the place from which I come, as it very well may be, then it means he has always been here.
And I held communion with him. I-who-is-not-I brought him to a secluded location and attempted to steal his heart from his chest.
And now I am expected to look at him as an old friend may?
I am expected to look him in the horrible, flickering eye and behave as though everything is normal?

i've never heard of a sleeper who has always been here.
well no, the wayward watcher is close to that. she was the last person in deerington, and i don't know how long it was between there and here.

[ He doesn't know what she means by communion exactly. He doesn't have that immediate recognition of the emotions and connotations associated with the reference, just a murky idea of what it's supposed to symbolize. But he does know violence, and this person paints a picture. ]

if you hurt someone you care about when you were another self, it's important to see if they're ok.
if they need space you give them that, but the fact is nothing is normal or ok. it's not your fault if another self did something, but it is still part of friendship to look out for them.
are they your friend?

[ He recalls he hasn't actually asked this, and that someone can mean a lot to someone else without actually being their friend. ]

At some point, I wanted him to be my friend.
At some point, I wanted so much more from him than he could ever possibly be for me.
I suppose the same is true of me-who-is-not-me.

I would not call what we are now friends. But I would not call us enemies, either.
My own feelings about him were complicated enough before someone else crashed into my brain to loudly declare their destructive and all-consuming love for him.

I should speak with him, I suppose.
But I am nowhere near ready for that conversation.

do you think it would happen again? what your other self tried to do?

Haha. Fuck.
Absolutely not.
I would never do that to him if I were in my right mind.

[she has perhaps given away her game in this reply, so she takes a moment to correct herself.]

No, the reason I'm not ready for that conversation is a lot simpler.
It's terrifying what we know about each other now.

[ For someone who is emotionally perceptive, sometimes Midoriya has the intelligence of a brick. Then again, he only has text to go by. Anna's secret is safe. To know and be known is terrifying on a normal day. ]

then I guess all I can say is good luck.
which sounds dumb especially since i don't know who you are. it just sounds like useless words people say all the time.
but you know, it's also something i say to my closest friends before something important. i'm not sure how it's coming across but it means do your best. it has a lot of meaning for me.

[ He'll do his best because no one believed he could do anything at all. It would be too much to explain the pun that makes his Hero name. He thinks this person might not care. And anyway... the people who gave it meaning have just disappeared. It's painful. ]

[she sighs on her end of the phone and presses her omni, however slightly, to her chest. he's trying. everyone is trying. the ones who know who she is and the ones who have no clue. doesn't she have an obligation to keep trying, too?]

I know you, Midoriya-kun. And I know that when you say something is important, it truly is.
Thank you. I will continue trying my best.
It is all I can do when I have your words backing me.

I may need as much luck as I can get to make it through this without feeling any worse anyway.
I appreciate your kindness, as always.

you know me?
please
if you know me
i can't stand seeing a friend someone i know hurting.
if it gets really bad please ask for help.

This was a cry for help, and people have responded in much greater numbers than I ever could have expected.

But if it does get overwhelming, I will be sure to do something more direct.
It would be nice for you and I to form somewhat more positive memories together.

[ Positive memories... Right now he feels like a black hole, good for nothing. But surely he must have something to give. He'll have to. Nothing makes him step up more than someone in need, no matter the cost to himself. ]

i'd like that. i'm sorry if i caused you any pain.

You did well, Midoriya-kun.
You spoke as a true hero would.

[ At this point he puts down his Omni and bursts into tears because he doesn't feel like a true hero at all. ]

004 // text; username: werbinich

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