deernet | 004 // text; username: werbinich

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004 // text; username: werbinich

[this, like most of the posts that anna makes, comes in the middle of a sleepless night. she's gone as anonymous as she possibly can, at least. maybe that will stop people from calling her out. maybe one day she'll learn how to talk about her emotions without sounding like a theater kid turned supervillain.]

How are we all feeling in the wake of January?
Are we feeling whole? Normal? Like ourselves?
Suppose you aren't. Suppose you walked, or flapped, or slithered away from the shedding ceremony feeling extremely different.
Could any of you pinpoint that change, do you think?
Would any of you even still be aware that you used to be someone different?

And on the other side of the coin, for people who returned to "normal".
Do you remember what happened? Do you remember who you were?
Or is it all turning into some kind of soup within your own brain?
Do you have any way to stay that gnawing feeling of dread inside you when you think of the way you're losing touch with your own identity?

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about... call it a thought experiment.

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Every single year since I left home, the same thing happens. I get turned into a girl for a little while.

She's not really that much different from me, besides being a little shorter and... a girl. Honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal?

But if you're asking a question like this, I'm guessing your time last month wasn't so easy.

Far from it.
But you are okay with it?
It seems to be the same kind of conflict of identity.
But if you didn't seem to be bothered by it... maybe it reveals more about yourself than you think.
Wouldn't you say?

I'm more okay with it than other conflicts I've had to work my way through.

Honestly, I don't know what to do with it all? My home doesn't have problems with people living as their truest self. Boys date boys. Girls date girls. Boys and girls also date each other. And, sometimes your body just doesn't match who you are.

It's okay. It's pretty normal, and I'm honestly not bothered by it. Actually, it was kinda fun wearing that fluffy green dress to the party. I was a little shorter then, so I don't know if it still fits.

Would that my home world were half as accepting.
It seems like a very fine place for someone like you to grow up.
Among others who understand, in a culture that just... gets it.

Perhaps if I had been in the same culture, I would be a different person today.
Do you understand what keeping something like that inside you does to a person?
I hope you never do.

...

You must be from an Earth. I don't know what it is about that place, but a LOT of the Earths push people to squeeze themselves into boxes that they don't fit in. It's... crazy.

But, everyone from Earth says the place I came from is crazy.

Yes, I have gotten the idea that my home world is somewhat backwards compared to the myriad of worlds I've experienced in my time here.
Stuck in the backwoods of the galaxy.
But it is home, and the scars it has left on my development are my own to bear.

I'm glad that the madame has extended the generosity of consistency to you, and that it has never been too taxing on you.
I would imagine your friends have taken it in similar stride.
I certainly don't recall seeing any befuddled posts about it.

Given how crazy some of these identity shifts can be? Gender is honestly the least of anyone's problems.

Some of the stuff I've seen happen here is scary. I hope you are somewhat okay after everything.

The wounds are still fresh, still healing.
I don't know how okay I will be until they start to scar over.

What sorts of things have you seen, then?

I saw one of the sisters in my found family go mad over seeing something that wasn't there and stab my other sister in the eye.

Well, I didn't SEE it. I saw it afterward.

...And that's just one incident.

My boyfriend, who went home over the summer, also stabbed himself in the eye because he was seeing something that wasn't real.

...

Now that I think about it, I'm tired of seeing the people close to me lose their eyes.

[she back pockets that first part. one step closer to finding out what happened to ruby rose.]

Well, rest assured, I'm rather attached to mine and don't intend to lose it.
In the strange and unexpected case that I happen to be someone you know.
My sympathies for losing your boyfriend so.
In the grand scheme of the universe, it is nice to believe that he will still remember you.
And not impossible. Memory is a more resilient thing than most of us give it credit for.

I don't know THAT many people who only have one eye. Only two of them are in Trench right now, and I'm PRETTY SURE Ruby would be way more obvious about who she is.

Anna?

Are you doing okay?

[she has got to get less obvious.]

Does this seem okay?

No, it doesn't.

I'm sorry I haven't kept up much, Sis. What happened?

It's for the best that you missed this.
I don't know how much you know about the people who work for John Gaius, but I became one of them.
It was horrible.
She was so angry.
I was so angry.

I know...

Enough.

It's something about devouring someone else's soul and making them a part of you, I think.

Anna-- you already deal with that with that robot warrior girl from another universe. That...

It's a lot.

Yes.
Trust me.
I'm aware.
But this is different. Apollonia was in torment for ten thousand years.
She couldn't even remember the name of the woman whose soul churned inside her.
Just that she was her sister, and she loved her, and that Apollonia was the one who was meant to die and be consumed.

She spent ten thousand years searching for answers that John Gaius would never give her.
And then he killed her.
And then she took over my body.

And... what did she do then?

We can talk about this in person, if that's easier for you. It's not ten thousand years, but there's not many of us in town that can even try to understand what's going on here.

I can bring muffins?

I am not well, Oscar.

[there's a few minutes between messages.]

But you know where I live.
Bitte, komm.

[He didn't speak or read any German-- or even know much about it at all, but he had extra chocolate chip muffins and an afternoon on his hands. Without further comment, he lamped his way into Cellar Door and easily found the apartment he knew to be hers.

A few moments after the message there was a knock on the door.]

Uh, sis? I've got mufffins, and some tea if you wanted it. It's spiced, and the seller called it 'chai?' It's just a spiced tea, but I didn't know if you'd like that or not...

[late as it was, anna wasn't truly prepared for visitors, and she wasn't really in the mood to fix that. she answered the door quietly wearing nothing but a long t-shirt, her eyepatch resting back in her room on her nightstand and her hair just a little less artfully messy and more actually messy.]

I can fuck with chai. Come on in. [and she led the two of them over to the kitchen area, which had always been spacious enough for two and definitely seemed like it saw some regular use. she leaned forward on the countertop and hung her head.]

Welcome to my bi-annual meltdown. Guess it was your turn to carry this weight.

[Getting the kettle brewing was easy. Getting a sense of what was actually going on was going to be harder, but nothing that Oscar wasn't prepared for. He set the package of muffins down on the counter and took a seat, an ear out for the kettle while he regarded Anna. ]

I've helped Ruby, Oz, and a bunch of other people. I guess it's about time I stood up to help you, too.

Yeah. Guess so.

[she sighed, not moving from her position leaning over the counter in the kitchen. she peered over to oscar, keeping her distance just in case something happened even though there was absolutely no reason to think that anything would.]

So after she took over my body. [might as well keep the momentum going.] She started trying to blow everything up. She killed two people on her path towards finding John and getting him to answer for... what he'd done to wrong her. [she inhaled; her shoulders shook.] She was so angry, Oscar, just... the angriest anybody has ever, ever been. And I felt every molecule of it.

[Oscar busied himself with pulling down the mugs and preparing the chai while he listened to all of the sordid details in Anna's tale. She spoke of John once more, and of becoming someone that she wasn't.... again.

The kettle started to whistle, and Oscar heaved a heavy sigh.]

...Did anything like this happen with the robot warrior? The one you share part of your Self with?

Edited 2023-03-05 04:15 (UTC)

With A2?

[she could at least give oscar a name; in the moment she couldn't recall if she ever had. and she hesitated.]

I... she definitely taught me a lot of things about how to interact with the world. To make me better equipped for the things I had coming for me. But with Apollonia, I don't know what she could be teaching me. [she looked over at the kettle; she wasn't ready for any of this, but when had the world stopped for her before?] I don't know what purpose all of this anger serves. I don't know what it's preparing me for.

Yeah, her.

[Names were helpful. It was the only way he kept himself sane when the lines grew muddy and blurred in his own headspace.

Oscar poured hot water into the two mugs and brought them over, so the leaves could steep while they talked.]

Anger and fear are two different reactions to the same sort of problems. Fear causes you to freeze and find safety, but anger is what helps you take action.

[He looked up at her, the irony of him discussing the deeper implications of emotions to Anna not at all lost on him. An observer would find the situation cute at best, ridiculous at worst.]

They're both caused by being in danger or being faced with something you can't accept. And sometimes, if you listen to that voice, you can figure out what's actually wrong and maybe even a way through.

[Not 'out'. Through. The only way to deal with either emotion is to feel it and move beyond it.]

text | un: justafarmlad

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cw: reference to past gore and eye trauma.

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