Nara'a Sunvara (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aetherweaver) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deernet2023-05-26 11:17 pm
aetherweaver) wrote in deernet2023-05-26 11:17 pm
[Text] [Anonymous] | Shadowbringers/Endwalker Spoilers
[Everything seems... frustrating. Everything seems like it's stewing. He wanders around, trying to find something to do other than swatting bugs and killing (and sometimes saving) beasts.]
[But is everything really... how it's supposed to be? He's not sure. He takes a crystal out of his pocket and stares at it for a while. He's not sure how to use the magic here - he's tried, but maybe because it crosses the rift he can't call upon others? He huffs in frustration, curling up a little bit.]
]But he doesn't let go of the crystal. This crystal, which means so much to him, that came to him through a twist of fate. ... But was it really fate? Or was it always going to happen?]
[Eventually, he grabs his omni and writes out a post. Anonymously, because... well. He doesn't want people to worry. Even if it'll probably be obvious that it's him...]
Is who you were in the past important to who you are now?
I would have said yes, but some days... some days I'm not sure. I don't know anymore.
Everything's so complicated and I don't even know if who I was is who I am now...
Maybe this was stupid to ask. Sorry.
[But is everything really... how it's supposed to be? He's not sure. He takes a crystal out of his pocket and stares at it for a while. He's not sure how to use the magic here - he's tried, but maybe because it crosses the rift he can't call upon others? He huffs in frustration, curling up a little bit.]
]But he doesn't let go of the crystal. This crystal, which means so much to him, that came to him through a twist of fate. ... But was it really fate? Or was it always going to happen?]
[Eventually, he grabs his omni and writes out a post. Anonymously, because... well. He doesn't want people to worry. Even if it'll probably be obvious that it's him...]
Is who you were in the past important to who you are now?
I would have said yes, but some days... some days I'm not sure. I don't know anymore.
Everything's so complicated and I don't even know if who I was is who I am now...
Maybe this was stupid to ask. Sorry.
no subject
I mean, it depends on your idea of nature and everything, but you can at least look at yourself and say "I'm not an asshole" and be sure of that one.
Soul bullshit sucks, my dude.
I know I haven't been turbo helpful so far, but if nothing else then let me just... idk. Make sure you know that I know how fucking hard this can be.
There's no easy answers and it doesn't always make sense, and the stuff that works for me ain't gonna work for anyone else.
no subject
No, it helps, knowing that I'm not alone. And it's... a lot to deal with. A decade ago I was just running around in the woods and now I'm dealing with all of this.
It's weird how big things are for me now. I guess when things happen over the course of years they build up.
no subject
I had this really nice rock I used to take naps on, and I used to, like, sit under trees with a notebook to try to work through my thoughts on stuff.
Course, back then, my thoughts were way different than they are now.
That's the thing, though. Sometimes you just get thrown into a world that's way, way bigger than you ever could've planned for, you know?
And sometimes you get tiny things that just snowball more and more until you're sitting in a boiling pot that you don't even remember starting to bubble.
And then sometimes, if you're REALLY lucky, you get that good old double barrel blast of weird right to the face.
I think that you seem like a perfectly fine person so far, if that counts for anything.
You care about who you are at the core, and that puts you leaps and bounds above the shitty people I've run into here.
I still ain't got a definition, but you can count that as a testimonial, I guess.
no subject
For the record, you seem like a good person as well. At least from when I've talked to you.
no subject
Well, that explains the nagging sense of familiarity.
I'll give you the grace that a lot of people can't seem to give me and not put everything we've probably talked about on blast for god and jesus and everyone to see, though.
Guess we haven't been crushed by the weight of our own baggage quite yet, have we?
no subject
It's almost a vacation for us here, isn't it?
no subject
Come on down to scenic Land of Blood and Squids. Take a load off in our blood spas.
Would you believe I went home for a bit, though? About a month, give or take, even though basically no time passed here.
I almost forgot what it was like back there. To have the kind of problems that I'm used to.
The kind of burdens I'm used to, too.
...Hey.
If you could go back to wherever you're from,
Do you think you would?
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... I think I have to. Even if I don't want to.
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I wish it were an easier choice for me. I'm still thinking about it.
The thing I hated about going home, or at least the way that it was presented to me, is that I didn't remember anything about Trench while I was there.
If I leave here, I don't ever want to forget it.
No matter what horrible things have happened to me since I washed up nearly two years ago.
It's as much a part of me as everything else I've ever done.
no subject
I wouldn't want to forget the people and places here either. I've learned so much - my world is very different than this one in some ways, and I love learning things. I suppose I'm a bit of a nerd...
But it's the people most of all that I wouldn't want to forget.
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Of course, when you're actually looking at[she gets halfway through that and deletes it. it's too real right now.]
They've changed me and I'd like to think that I've changed them, too.
They'll leave a mark on me whatever happens.
I think that's a good way to find out your own identity, too. Just... looking at the way that others have helped you carry your burden.
The things you've learned from them and stuff like that.
no subject
... But I wouldn't give up the bonds I have. They've saved me again and again... and I don't know what I'd do without them.
I want to be there for them. I'm just afraid of losing myself.
no subject
I really wish that I had a better answer or that I had... like, ANY answer for this.
When I have so many people swirling around my head, it gets really hard learning how to define myself without relying on the expectations of other people.
And I still don't know if I figured out a real answer or if I just kind of pushed through it until I pretended it stopped bothering me.
Misery, company, etc. That might be the best real answer I have here. Both of us are fucked up in ways that work well enough together that we can have good conversations about it.
no subject
At least there's that? At least it's allowing us to put our burdens down, if only just a little bit.
no subject
And who knows, maybe one day you and I will have a conversation where one of us isn't walled up behind some anonymous thing like wine in a friend's basement.
Could be fun.
Sure beats having to confront this stuff in a wave of blood and bodies like when I first showed up here, though.
no subject
Also that sounds like a reference I don't understand, with the wine.
... What happened when you first showed up?
no subject
Like it was a compulsion, almost! (It was. It was a bad time. But he writes good stories.)
Anyway, yeah, when I first showed up, uh.
I had to talk about my feelings after Never Mind transported me to a river full of blood and the corpses of my loved ones.
And the longer I went without talking about the corpses, the worse they decomposed.
Fun way to jostle my brain into how this place works.
no subject
Oh, that one! I've... seen that before. It wasn't... fun. At all. It was very awkward, in fact.
no subject
Did you catch the original showing or last year's rerun?
You know, in the middle of the Hidden Town, Somehow With Even More Blood arc that everyone loved.
Just asking because I still don't think I know how long you've been here. And if you've been here as long as I have, I'm gonna feel real embarrassed.
'Cause I think I'm one of the oldest newbies here.
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I'm just... tired of a lot of this. I kind of want to shake the ptumerians, but I don't think that'd do any good.
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And I think I know a guy who tried to kill the Reckoning and got his ass smote big time.
I don't know if there's much point in trying to fight them. No matter how tired we all are of this stuff.
There's a few we can learn to live with. October's usually a bad time for me, but having Cloverfield here can help out, you know? They're not all terrible.
The ones that are, though...
no subject
The ones that are terrible are... exhausting. I don't understand people who delight in cruelty, no matter what species they are.
no subject
I've dealt with enough cruelty in my life that I couldn't do anything about.
Hell, the past... six years of it back home have been bad enough, but you can't take a sword to the kind of problems I was dealing with there.
(Not without getting a bunch of government agencies on your ass.)
Anyway, yeah, I'm just glad we're all in this together and in general we're all trying to find a better way to live for everyone.
That shouldn't be such a hard fucking prospect (rising tide lifts all boats and all that) but jesus, man, it's a relief to have that here.
no subject
Less of a thing where you're from, then?