deernet | video, un:charon

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video, un:charon

[Lysithea appears on the screen in front of a doorway painted mint green, looking grim, but resolute. Her arm is in a sling and she has obvious scars and cuts across her face and neck, but at the very least, she is in one piece. She couldn't say the same for some of her friends.]

I am one day late.

I am pleased to announce...

[And here she makes a gesture with her good hand, and it becomes clear that this is a recording through the eyes of her Omen. The bird flaps back a few feet to reveal a recently renovated building that looks, if not grand, at least, well... intact.]

The grand opening of the Patisserie Lysitherie. Located in the Willful Machine, [address here], five minutes' walk from the closest Lamp Friend.

[Lysithea steps inside and her Omen follows to showcase part of the interior.]

...I'm sure I've prattled on about my business long enough, so I won't bore you with more details. Just know that our trade rates are exceedingly reasonable, and we seek to procure only the finest ingredients from the docks. It is winter, of course, so temper your expectations accordingly. Additionally, all purchases will come with a package of Weeping Wafers, our first in-house concoction. The taste is nutty and earthy with hints of nutmeg and almond. It's delicate - and not excessively sweet.

Most importantly, it is made with raw, diced Weepers.

After the... occurrences of the previous month, I imagine we could all benefit from their magic. If you seek mental stability, come by and we're happy to provide you with free samples. Don't take too many, though - I don't know what the effects are if you overdose.

...Well, that's all. Thank you for your business.

[...It is evident that Lysithea has no idea how to end this. After a moment, she looks around awkwardly and then dips her head as if in a bow before the transmission cuts.]

[action, ota, at the Patisserie]
[Lysithea will be manning the sweets shop during business hours. Her employees are welcome to join her when they're free - she could use some extra help, given her dislocated wrist. Drop by to sample normal baked goods, Weeper products, or simply strike up a conversation.

On slow days, Lysithea can be found eating her Weeping Wafers and fingering what appears to be an old research journal of some sort.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Ah -- no, don't worry, Luz.

[Lysithea's eyes flicker away briefly.]

It's not because of what happened with you. I'm afraid I wound up back in there again, later on.

[She looks exceedingly uncomfortable at this point.]

Of course I'm worried! I don't want you having your arm in a sling!

[Sheesh, Lysithea. Don't you think Luz would be JUST as concerned about what happened with you]?

No, I know. And you're...not the only one that wound up back there again.

[She took Lysithea's hand].

But we'll get through it, little by little.

Mm.

[Lysithea makes a dissatisfied expression before rummaging around under the counter and bringing out another basket of wafers.]

Here. These are cinnamon flavored.

[These Weepers are putting in a lot of work.]

You don't need to try and console me, Luz; that's supposed to be my job. How are you feeling?

Ooh, cinnamon!

[Luz allowed herself a momentary distraction. At the question, Luz started to answer, then choked a little before swallowing and giving herself time to answer].

Lysithea, I know I was freaking out back there and...I won't lie, I had every right to. But I'm dealing, and I want to make sure you're all right.

The truth? There's a reason I need the wafers. Moving on from that has been hard. I haven't had great sleep the past few days. I had to do some painting to get some of those feelings out of me.

Luz...

[Lysithea herself picks up one of the cinnamon wafers and chews thoughtfully.]

You don't have to explain anything. It would be highly unusual if you were sleeping and behaving as if nothing has happened. I've seen a lot of death in my time -- but not even I can be fully numb to the horrors of what happened in that tower.

I'm sorry I couldn't spare you the worst of it.

[Luz ate quietly, then looked up at Lysithea].

No one could spare anyone else of things like that. The Zealots just took us as they could get us. I wish they hadn't nabbed me more than once, and I can't even pretend that I'm not changed by all of it, but...I'm glad you were there.

I'm just sorry that you had to see all of that stuff too.

[Lysithea smiles a bit bleakly as she moves around the counter and pulls up a chair nearby for Luz.]

Stop being so thoughtful, Luz. I'm the one who lives in a war, remember? This is... I hate to say it, but I've seen far more dead bodies in a room. Just... not like that.

It is... much more concerning for me that you went through that. And you're... fourteen.

[That's a guess.]

What are you thinking now, Luz? ...Not about me. Be a bit selfish.

Well. I caused dead bodies, though not that I enjoyed that part, back in Deerington. I'm not exactly clean there.

[It was an issue Luz was still grappling with: the idea that she's somehow tainted herself by seeing things she shouldn't have. Things just felt uglier, and she didn't know how to resolve that yet].

It wasn't good, to see that stuff, but I'm right along with you!

[Ok, you asked Lysithea. Luz looked at her friend hard a moment, then took a breath].

I haven't had one night of good sleep. I'm coping, because the house needs me to be Luz, the girl that's helpful and happy. But I don't...I can't feel happy right now. All I can do is close my eyes and be that girl hooked up to the tubes that took my blood.

Nothing feels the same anymore.

No...

[Lysithea shakes her head.]

It won't be. Innocence lost cannot be regained, nor can trauma be so easily shaken off. It does become a part of you, in a way...

But that's alright, you understand.

You shouldn't be the same person you were before this happened. You shouldn't take on the burden of having to pretend, on top of everything else.

I'm starting to. There's something else though.

When I was in Deerington, at one point I met this jaded future version of myself. She was dying, and she'd lost all hope in anything. Even after the whole thing with the cave guys, I refused to be like that. I thought, "I'll always have hope, I won't be like HER."

But I wonder if I made that choice the moment I decided to stay here. I didn't have to feel scared all the time. I could have chosen to go back. I wanted to come back here, to be with you all, to have a life here.

So why does a part of me feel like I'm being punished for making that choice?

[It takes a moment for Lysithea to fully parse this statement, and she thoughtfully thinks of an answer as she chews on her wafer.]

I don't... really believe in karma or god or... anything cosmic that could or would punish you for something like that.

Perhaps think of it this way.

Any choice will lead you down a different path, towards different destinations. The road might be filled with difficulty, but the destination you pick is steered by your choices.

You won't end up somewhere you didn't mean to. This is not the destination - it's just one obstacle in the way of where you want to be.

[Luz was quiet again, taking that in. She always thought that Lysithea was insightful, and given she'd come from a more intense world she'd know more than her anyway. But this, this she could grasp and understand, and at least help put things into perspective].

I ran into my friend Usagi recently, and we both sort of got pulled into a situation where we saw each other's fears. I got reminded that even as part of this stuff that happens is messed up, it's something I chose. But I think I'm still blaming myself for things I did, even back in Deerington, and maybe that's why I think of this as punishment.

But maybe you're right. That might just be guilt. Things are bad because this world is pretty far from perfect. Most worlds are just like that, whether from greed or anger or war. And we just always wind up caught in the middle.

Perhaps it's telling that use that word - punishment.

You know... the only person who could possibly want to punish you - is you, Luz. Nobody else knows - and regrets - your choices and actions and feelings well enough to judge you deserving of anything of the sort.

[Lysithea, initially judging the wafers to be sufficient for this conversation, decides that it has now wandered into the territory where it certainly merits hot tea. She stands and gestures for Luz to join her back in the kitchen area.]

Do you believe you ought to be punished?

Yeah, that's...probably true.

[And these were hard enough questions that Luz certainly did think they should probably have some tea. Luckily, Lysithea had picked up on this and she walked obediently to the back with her, unconsciously choosing to take the conversation further].

I don't want to BE punished, but I keep thinking about some of the things I've seen, and how bad they've been. After everything that happened with Deerington, I feel like choosing to come here meant I had to accept bad things were going to be just as likely here.

I just didn't think it'd happen like this, or this soon, or so fast. It's hard to NOT feel like the world is giving you that answer.

I'd try not to think of that as punishment, then.

[The kettle is put on the stove.]

You're right. It is inevitable that being in this world would come with its share of trials. We know that's how Deerington worked. We ought to have expected that's how Trench would work.

But you stayed here for a reason, right? What were those reasons?

Sometimes it's hard not to, with some of the things that happen.

[Ooh, tea. After the corruption scare, Luz was all about having tea right now].

I'd kinda hoped that after living through Deerington, Trench would be our sort of reward. I mean, we LIVED.

Well. You guys. I'd gotten close to all of you, and I didn't want to just end everything with how Deerington finished. I wanted to see Dipper and you and Vira and Margot and everyone again. So. I chose to come back and see what this new world would be like.

I didn't think Trench would be JUST as bad, in a different way.

Just for other people?

[Lysithea queries gently as the water begins to heat in the background.]

There was nothing that you wanted or intended for yourself? If that's the case, perhaps that's part of the problem. If you can't find anything worthwhile for your own sake...

Your friends are important, but you can't live a life based off your friends, either.

Lysithea. Being here with other people means a lot to me. I get to see others who've done for me live better, and I get to help them grow. I came for me too, obviously. I wanted to live in the Isles of course, but I also wanted to know I could come here and make a life for myself.

After everything that happened though, I guess I hoped that there'd be a time for us to rest? That we could slowly start to learn ways to make a living, that we wouldn't be thrown into the fold of avoiding horrible things so fast.

There are things here I've done for myself I probably might not have had the chance even back on Earth.

Mm...

[As the kettle begins to gently bubble, she gives a slight shake of her head.]

I have to say that I encourage you to look for something beyond being supportive and proud of your friends. It is a testament to your good nature and heart that this is a motivating factor for you - but I don't know if it is wholly sustaining.

But I don't disagree. I was hoping for that from Trench, too. I suppose after the first month, I realized that was a vain hope.

[Luz didn't say anything at first. She was formulating ideas in her head about how it had been more than just her friends, but they had, she had to admit, been a big part for her. If she had come to Deerington and it had been nothing but misery and strife, she'd have turned away and never looked back. She would have forgotten it once she was back in the Boiling isles, and all that trauma would go away].

It's...not just them. I was pushed to the brink of me, and for a little while, I think I was at a point where I could have gone crazy. Everything felt wrong, and I felt miserable, and I didn't have Eda. But I kept going, and I pushed through. I got stronger. I want to know if I can be me, REALLY me, in a world that's still fighting me. I want to know what Luz, magical girl bitten by a vampire, survivor of cannibals and monsters, can do in a world where I make my own strength.

[That was as honest an answer as she could give, though she knew that she was only starting to understand some of what she meant].

What happened to you in the first month?

...You were bitten by a vampire?

[Lysithea blinks. ...But this is probably wholly beside the point.]

I think I understand. You're talking about the need for self-determination. Independence. You're at the age where you desperately need to prove that you can flourish.

Sorry - that sounds condescending. I say that because I was exactly the same in school.

[She is still mostly exactly the same.]

The first month was the river of blood and corpses, of course. That was a nice return to what passed as normal in Deerington and here in Trench.

Yup. Almost died. It was pretty bad. Eda was still there at the time though, so I was OK.

[Granted, the vampire didn't bite to kill, but you still got awful close].

I remember that, actually! You could say I might have even gotten a little inspired by you back in Deerington. You were mostly able to stand on your own two feet, and I wanted to do that myself. I wanted to continue seeing what I could do without, well, a parental figure.

[Even if she missed both of hers very, very much].

Oh right! Is it sad that it was kind of tame in comparison to Deerington? Of course, when I first arrived last year there were zombies. Strangely, that was also pretty tame compared to what happened later on.

Oh -- I hate to think I was an influence in any way.

[Lysithea, looking back at her sixteen-year-old self, is not convinced that she was a good influence. The kettle is properly screaming now; she removes it and begins to prepare the tea set.]

But that's a normal part of growing older, too. It won't help if I say that you're already fiercely independent and entirely capable of determining what path you shall follow in life, will it?

[She pours out a cup for Luz and slides it over.]

I think everything was tame in comparison to that tower now. Although I might have forgotten some of the worst parts of Deerington.

Why? You didn't even have someone like Eda to help motivate you, and you've done pretty well for yourself! Your magic has gotten better, and you own a business! If anything, I'd say you've done pretty well for yourself!

[It wasn't like Luz didn't note that Lysithea was imperfect back in Deerington: she'd been pretty blasé about her impending death and she'd been persnickety at times, but ultimately, she'd been a really great friend and the two of them had managed some pretty impressive magic together]!

I did sort of stumble into that a bit myself, but that was after dying and losing people in Deerington so. I feel like somewhere in the transition between Deerington and Trench I could have used some therapy.

[In other words, it felt like Luz had sort of fast forwarded some of her gradual development, so now she just thought that she was sort of fragmented a little there].

It was different. There were literal monsters in Deerington, but they didn't hide what they were. The Zealots are different. They have the ability to reason and think, and they still do what they do and don't think they're monsters.

It makes them scarier than monsters, honestly.

Well --

I did have four years to grow up in between some of those events.

[Lysithea smiles and pours herself a cup of tea as well, before taking the tray and sliding it onto a small table where she kneaded dough. She gestures for Luz to sit again.]

But thank you.

And I agree. It's worse when you're faced against something that shouldn't be monstrous in nature. A perversion of what ought to be. You certainly do need someone to talk to, but I'm not sure if anybody in this town is qualified.

Perhaps that's why we're having this talk.

I find... that self-reflection helps me get where I need to be, sooner or later. But an outside perspective is always invaluable.

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