deernet | Video; UN: seeingtheworld

I figured that would be the case.

Of course I...ohh. Wow. I just realize how sinister that sounded. Yes, I definitely meant distance, more like a restraining order!

Yes, you should definitely leave the murder to me. You're a bit too young to be taking a life.

Yeah. That would be crazy, wouldn't it.

Your silence tells me that you've endeavored where you shouldn't have.

It isn't...accurate to say it like that.

More that it was something I didn't feel like I had any choice but to do.

Go on.

[Oh boy. She was going down this road again. She LOVED going down this road].

Remember in Deerington, when all those earthquakes were happening, and those horrible work things starting coming out of the ground? Well around that time I got kidnapped by some strange cave dwelling cannibal people. I was taken down to their cave where my magic was dampened, and I was tortured for a good several hours, with them going over in detail how they were going to slowly take me apart piece by piece and eat me. They prolonged it awhile, enough so that my sister Margot at the time was able to pick up my scent, went down into the cave and managed to get me out.

After that, I pretty much decided I wasn't going to let them do that to anyone else, so I laid in wait as a bird for a while, booby trapped their cave and. Well. I set the whole place on fire, with them in it.

[He keenly remembered those strange cave cannibals. He wasn't a good meal, but he had paid them a good few prices as well.

He didn't find her actions alarming at all. He was a bit more perturbed by the fact that she had been tortured. That often left considerable psychological scars.]

Are you alright? That isn't an easy situation to experience.

[Funny enough, Reaper had an open-door, no judgment policy when it came to people needing to talk.]

[Luz had never liked reliving that particular day, as it still had left scars she knew had been somewhat untreated. It had happened at a pretty bad time too: soon afterward, Eda and her witch teacher had woken up, pretty much leading to Luz and Margot needing to find a new home afterward. Luz recalled putting her feelings on autopilot at that point, though talking with Vira, the Doctor and Korra had certainly helped later].

I'm pretty sure I wasn't! Afterward I kept thinking that something about that night had somehow dirtied any of my innocent childhood frolicking, you know? The idea that I needed to be protected from stuff just seemed sorta dull and hollow afterward. I didn't...FEEL like the person I used to be before that.

[And honestly, that feeling had never really gone away].

What you experienced is a multilayered traumatic event, and the normal services to assist in working through those experiences isn't present. What you did was a reaction to your experience. People do bad things for the right reasons.

[He knew what that was like, and while his voice was his normal damaged growling, it was calm and soft still. Like he'd talked someone through such experiences before.]

If you aren't who you used to be, who are you now?

[Luz knew that. Luz KNEW that. Yet even still, she kept wondering if she should have just called someone and had them tie up the cave dwellers...but of course that was impossible, there were too many of them, it would have risked them being killed. There hadn't been room to let those things pass, and Luz knew that. She just hated that it was something that weighed on her no matter what she said or did].

You're not wrong about that. There isn't even so much as a psychiatrist around here to sort of talk to these things about. I guess if you were religious, you could talk to a pastor, right?

[Luz wasn't religious in those terms].

That's a good question. I'm still trying to find the answer to that. I don't want to go solving my problems by killing again, but now that I'm in Trench, I know it's an option that might be unavoidable. There are some things here that just want to hurt you, and things you can't reason with, no matter how much you try.

Pastors are good listeners, and they can offer comfort but that's about it. They don't often offer coping mechanisms.

[He didn't have much faith these days. He tended to spurn religion as a whole, viewing it as cults out of touch with daily reality. Good concepts usually to keep people from descending into chaos, but in war, any real God would stand for the shit humanity and nature did.]

You understand that what you did was self defense, right? That you are not at fault. You took a difficult situation and made the best decision based on your experiences at the time.

[He wasn't certain if anyone that told her that. He expected someone to offer platitudes, but it was necessary to reinforce that the situation was the cause of her reaction, and it didn't mean she was a bad person for it.]

It will take you time to sort it out. You're suffering from a psychological and emotion wound, and like all wounds, it requires time and rehabilitation to make the most of. You may wish to learn new skills to better prepare yourself if there ever is a 'next time'.

I do remember that, yes. But I can't see how a pastor's experience would be able to help me through mine.

[In other words, Luz sort of thought a therapist would be better in this regard, at least in her whole reasoning and her headspace after all of that. It would certainly help her work through her feelings about it].

Reaper, I feel like I can't even say it was self-defense. I got away thanks to my sister at the time, and I could have left it at that. I didn't. In my head, all I could remember was what happened to me and what they did and know that they could do that to someone else. I was too weak to fight them when I escaped, but I recovered a little, waited, and then went and set fire inside the caves.

[People had told her that: Varian, Korra, even Vira. Luz's biggest problem would always be that what she'd done had been, to an extent, premeditated. She supposed she could have let it stay at that, but the more she thought about it, the MORE she was at war with herself, because how could she allow them to do that to someone else? To some other KID]?

I want to. I-I take fencing lessons with Vira, and I train with Fern. I don't think I'll ever be as strong as them, and that's fine, magic is where I'm best. But if there comes a time I need to protect myself, I want to find a way to keep going somehow. I don't ever want to be as weak as I was that day.

Some pastors have seen shit. I served with one during the war; he provided a comfort to many of those around me.

[He knew what she meant, but he didn't want her to close doors on where comfort and relatability might come from. It was a good way to isolate oneself, and there was little good that came from that when in mental distress.

He actually laughed at her case against herself. He knew that road, had seen it more often than he could count. Everyone had their way of dealing with their traumas, and that didn't make it any less a case of self-defense in his books.]

In some circles, that makes you a hero, pequeño. What about the situation makes you think that you had tainted yourself? The fact that you burned their places of refuge? Or the fact that you burned their place of refuge while they were in it? Because you do realize that you burning it with them out could have lead to their deaths? Perhaps you saved them a far more greasily end thanks to smoke inhalation. Believe me, it's not the worst way to go.

[Reaper could see it from her perspective, but he had also seen far worse manners of dealing with an enemy than that. Likely they had all passed out long before they had died; it had been a painless end, and she had saved many the same suffering that she had endured for her efforts.]

If you need more training, I would be willing to supplement what they are teaching you. Vira is very skilled with a blade, and depending your magic, she could potentially assist you with that.

If you find comfort in religion, then that makes sense. Then again, I am finding myself more and more aligned with Doorway, so maybe I shouldn't talk?

[It was a funny feeling, honestly, finding herself gravitating toward a being you could consider a god she'd never known before. Then again, she had never felt more aligned with a higher being than one that prioritized relationships and loyalty. That was something she could get behind and understood].

Hey, don't laugh! It wasn't burning their stupid cave! It was them, obviously, them burning in there that makes me feel like that! I'm a kid! I'm not supposed to go around doing things like that. Sure, everyone considers doing that to their enemies, but no one's supposed to act on it! And once you do that, you can't act like you're the same person! Not after you heard their screams and their anguish and smelled that fire and the smoke! You just...you just...you can't even feel like anyone should protect you, because you start to wonder if you'll ever feel like you deserve it.

[Luz had gone over this over and OVER in her mind, she'd had people tell her she wasn't evil, she did it in good faith, but Luz couldn't forget, and that was why it never really went away. Worst, now she didn't think of them as much anymore because that was the last real time she saw Margot, and afterward they didn't see each other much and then she was just GONE, gone back home and was no longer her sister.

So just guilt aplenty].

I think...I think I do. I don't want to find myself captured like that again if I can help it. There won't always be someone to save me. I was lucky back then, and lucky in November.

[Well, lucky in that she didn't DIE anyway].

You're allowed to talk. Plus, you're Latina, and from my experience, talking is a skill almost all of them are good at.

[He remarked on that dryly. His large family was a big competition on who could talk the most sometimes, and often, he had just escaped the house because it was such a large gab session. They liked it, and he was used to it. He hadn't asked if Luz came from a large family, and now wasn't the time to derail the conversation.

He did settle his laughter because he knew.]

I acted like that. I've done those things. [He listened to her paint the scenario, aware of where she was going long before she got there.] Luz. Listen to me very carefully. Your choice to burn them was made to save other people from the same pain and trauma you endured. It doesn't sound like you burned them and their caves because it was a fanciful inclination of your imagination. You did it to protect other people because it was the option that made the most sense to you at the time. Yes those actions were inhumane to them, but your actions don't make you undeserving of love, care and protection.

[He sighed heavily, and he turned away from the wind, leaving Luca to practice while he took some distance.]

You aren't alone in how you feel, Luz. Those of us who have made the decision to take a life for protective reasons all endure what you did. It will eat you alive if you let it. Believe me. Your guilty feelings are valid, and they also make it clear to me that you remain a good person who was put in an impossible situation. You took lives, but that doesn't mean you stop living yours.

[It was clear that she was struggling, which meant that she needed to be armed with all manner of skill to avoid such a situation in future.]

Then I'll teach you how to escape bindings. And I'll teach you how to hide sharp objects on your person to cut ropes if you can wriggle out of them.

Edited (words are hard) 2022-01-26 18:33 (UTC)

Hey, that's a misleading stereotype...that happens to be true in my case, but still!

[Luz had definitely NOT had a big family, having been raised by a single parent, but she still very much liked to talk, something that was becoming more obvious to people.

The girl took a breath here, nodding. Part of her knew that he was right, that everyone she talked to was RIGHT, it was just taking her some time to come to terms with it. She did begin to see that now she was moving from thinking she had unconsciously wanted them to pay for what they'd done to her. It had hurt and it had scared her, but she didn't want to punish people for her pain. What she had wanted, first in her mind, was preventing that from happening to anyone.

And Reaper at least did seem to understand that].

You're right. Everyone who's talked to me about this are right. I just have trouble letting the feeling go. Must be all that exposure to fiction where there's a clear good guy and bad guy, and the bad guys always hurt and kill people, never the good guys. I kept wondering if making sure they died made me evil, but now I think I didn't want then to do it to anyone else one more day. I just never expected I'd ever have to make a decision like that.

[Eda, of course, had been doing her best that Luz never would have HAD to].

Actually, that is super helpful for me right now, thanks.

It's not a stereotype if it's true. I have enough female cousins to fill an entire house, and I assure you, talking is something that they greatly enjoy and are extremely good at. Believe me, I spent significant time on the roof when they were getting together.

[Of course, he knew that not all Latin Americans came from the same background. He happened to be of Mexican-descent, and Reyes' were a proliferative bunch. He didn't talk about his family much, if at all, but he felt he could make little mentions here and there with Luz. She just might be the only Latina or Latino who he could let slip a little.

Reaper knew where she was coming from probably as well as everyone else that she had spoken to. His experiences were unique and personal. He expected that hers would be the same: unique and personal for her.]

You don't have to let them go, chiquito. You have to learn to cope with them and not let them take over every moment of your waking life. Sometimes you can't help but think about it, can't help but break down. That's very normal, and it's part of your processing.

[He hummed in agreement.]

People and decisions all come with shades of gray. That's what makes us dynamic and different. You shouldn't have had to make such a decision, but you were and you did. That you're still standing says a lot of your resilience, even if it might not always seems so.

[He nodded his head.]

We'll practice on me and inanimate objects first. You could have traumas that we don't want to bring to the forefront.

I just know that I like to talk a lot! I haven't always felt that way, but you could say that being in two pretty dangerous places made it so I couldn't be quiet and to myself.

[Luz honestly wasn't sure if it was a common trait to be talkative because she didn't know too many Dominican families in Connecticut. She did know she talked more once she felt safe to say things, and that really started to happen when she wound up in the Boiling Isles].

I don't think about it all the time. I used to though. When I had to go live with the Doctor and Vira, at night I'd just stare out into the dark and remember things. When there wasn't any light but I could hear people around, or when they'd pierce me and laugh at my pain. The rally scary stuff, where I didn't know if I'd be getting out alive or in pieces in someone's...stomach.

[It made Luz kind of sick to even think about it. She didn't even mention that she made sure she was extra terrified, because it amused them. She might have hated THAT fact, but was more scared of what would happen to her if they were bored].

It wasn't easy, that's for sure, but being in this house, with everyone in it? It helped.

[Way more than Luz could say, honestly].

Traumas? What do you...oh. Actually, that is true. I kind of hyperventilate whenever I have to go into a cave. Bad memories.

Oh, I know. You have the gift of the gab. There's nothing wrong with it, but I will ghost out if I feel my brain melting.

[Honestly, her sometimes constant yabbering in the house or in his vague direction was a very odd sort of comfort to him. It felt normal, and that was dangerous from where he stood. A taste of a home that he had long ago left behind, something he hadn't had in a very long time. He couldn't tell Luz that; it was too personal.]

And perhaps when you do think about it, the time is random and when you aren't expecting it. The thoughts creep in and darken the world around you because it consumes the entire situation that you're in. And when there are triggers: noise in the dark, a shift of shadow, a similar noise you would associate with your situation. These are all normal for expressions of your trauma.

[That's what he needed her to know and hopefully admit. What she was feeling was normal and she wasn't alone in those experiences. They were personally hers, but others had similar, and she could talk about them.]

I know a little of traumas, Luz. [A beat of silence.] Perhaps someday I'll tell you how I died.

I'm not THAT talkative! Not enough to melt someone's brain, anyway!

[Though if she WAS that powerful, she would probably be pretty impressed. She definitely knew kids back home who talked way more than she did, and it wasn't as if she had any reason to engage that way with them. The Boling Isles with Willow and Gus though, that was a different story].

That is...kind of spot on, actually. I got these special pajamas from Usagi awhile back, and they make it so I don't have that happen in dreams, but you can't wear them all the time. I'd be in my room and the window would be open and I'd smell the remains of fire, and I'd be right back there. Can't even go into a cave now without hyperventilating a little bit.

[She didn't even want to get into when she was brought into the farm and had an episode of intense anxiety. Her second run through made it so that dark places were now just full on getting a light spell, even in her own room. Luz was at a point where her and dark were just not seeing eye to eye].

I don't doubt that. Wait, your FIRST death, or a Deerington death?

I'm aware. My cousin Camille could talk circles around you in her sleep. But you're still a teenage girl, and some of the subjects that you talk about are just...

[He made a noise like his brain might already be melting just thinking about it. He was, of course, teasing her in his own gruff way. A little grudging attempt at levity while they navigated far more deep and treacherous waters of mental health.

He nodded his head, understanding with her experiences. He expected that, with the way this place might go, she would have to get used to going into dark dank places, but that would have to be a work in progress. Slow and steady and even then, she might not recover enough to do it on her own or even at all. Trauma was complicated and unreasonable.]

Those triggers are things you're aware of, which means you can try to work through it. Even then, best case scenario is you experience anxiety but can manage it.

[Oh she was amusing sometimes. He issued a low humorless chuckle.]

My first death. Deerington was far more inconvenient about coming back to life than what I'm used to. Trench too, though I do make an adorable squid if I do say so myself.

Hey, I'm a teenage girl, but I also have my own nerdy interests! I don't need everyone to understand them.

[Luz was pretty proud of some of her zaniness, thank you. Sure, it might be off putting to some, but Luz was used to marching to the beat of her own drum].

I try to take those kinds of situations slow. It hasn't...escaped my notice that I've been through a lot of stuff. Some people might actually go crazy from all of the things I've seen. Between outside memories and the farm, it's a lot. I guess I try to put things into perspective and deal with it as best as I can. Some days are much harder than others.

In that case, I'd be curious to know how you came back from your first death. And of course you make an adorable squid, I was one of the people who made sure you got into water.

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