[(Accidental)Transmission 03] [UN: A_Wesker013] [Filtered to Sleepers over 18 ]

[subject_013]

[CW: Dysphoria, sexual repulsion/dysphoria, misanthropy]

[The view appears to belong to Cypher as the Omen perches on a nearby ledge, as his Sleeper stands of the roof of Arklay House, leaning on a push broom, clearly in the middle of clearing snow off the roof, with his back to the Omen as he speaks to a pale figure in armor standing before the house.]

,,,she haunts me here. Seeing the face of the son we created has awakened the memories of her. Now the part of me that remains human.... aches for her. [He says this as if he can barely admit to this.]

I haven't exactly been a monk since her, however.... it was always with a professional whose appearance reminded me of hers. It quelled the longing, but it did nothing to fill the void.

[A harsh sigh, almost a growl.]

I am infected by her. If I could sacrifice half the years I have ahead of me as an immortal.... [He stops himself from completing this thought.] Can one possess both invulnerability of person and the vulnerability of intimacy?

I suppose mimicking some semblance of normalcy, coupled with the memories which keep returning, has turned my thoughts toward wanting a companion, a spouse, even, some semblance of a nuclear family, just as the desire for one led me to the chain of events which lead me, in time ...to her.

If not her, then one like her. One who does not fear me or who does not let the fear of me paralyze her. One who possesses a quietly fierce soul. One who can unlock the door to my heart, just by a touch, but who does not always require the heat of passion. There are too many people who seem to think a man isn't a man unless he's always on the verge of arousal. Progenitor wasn't an aphrodisiac, and simply because it's inactive, doesn't mean I've suddenly morphed into the sex god some people think I must be with looks such as mine. And while it isn't a 'deal-breaker', as the kids put it, it would delight me if she was small with red hair.

[He emits a sound like a dry sob as he turns away.]

Sometimes I suspect you Pthumerians are more personable than some persons. I'd use the term 'human', but that ignores the experiences of those persons for whom the label does not fit. Which makes me wonder where I stand. Humans must be as bacteria to you, while someone like me, a near god among humans, must be as an insect.
The more I've sought to quench that pain, the harder it cuts. Had I someone as gentle but firm to pull the blade from my heart.... [A pause, quiet breathing, less pained than before, as if he's managed to clear his head.]

[A pause and some slow easy breaths.]

It helps. Having someone listening, who will not judge what I have said, who won't tell me merely to couple with the first person who'll have me. The hole in my heart, or where my heart was, needs filling before I fill anything else.

[He falls silent, at which point, Doorway ...just isn't there. Once he is alone, he slowly turns toward the Omen]

...Did you transmit that, you little weasel?

[The view backs up a bit, then Cypher's voice speaks. 'Oy! Boss, I am a weasel. Statin' them obvious, aren't ye?']

Comments

[subject_013]

Rest assured, it's hard to kill a creature made of smoke and shadow and spirit energy. [The device cants down slightly and Cypher can be seen, head covered completely by their Sleeper's gloved hand, leaving the weasel's body free and scrabbling to get their head loose, muttering and snarling.]

[A pause, and he'll glance away.] She was the one woman to whom I opened my heart. Sonja Mueller, a woman from a distant country in my world of origin, who left it to find a better life. I knew her just a few months, but we had a love worth a lifetime. [A long breath drawn in.] There was a war in her homeland, she was recalled back. I didn't know till later that she left carrying my son. That wreath I'd put on my door granted me a vision of him: he's grown to be a fine young man, strong and quiet, a bit sharp-tongued and a fighter. She raised him well.

I've seen visions of alternate versions of myself, other paths I could have taken and how those paths could have shaped me. Somehow they remained recognizable aspects and reflections of me. I imagine this could apply to all of us. It's been manifested more directly in you. Dare I ask, does it disturb you at all?

I'll take care around that version. Hopefully, I can outrun him or make an escape onto the nearest roof.

[survivalthroughhate]

[Maul chuckles a little seeing Cypher wriggling around there. He knows the Omen isn't in any real danger, so he'll let Wesker do what he wants with the critter.

This was definitely one of the best times for Wesker to be revealing sensitive information like that. Maul is wholly sympathetic to his friend's plight.]

She must have been a very special person to have touched your heart so. Do you think you will ever dare to love that way again? [Maul knows romantic love can be a touchy subject and he's not one to know much about it given his lack of relationships. He smiles a little.] As for your son, he sounds very much like his father.

Disturb me? Hmmm, no, that's not quite the right word. But it does give me pause for thought, thinking of all the ways my life could have turned out different if only I hadn't succumbed to the anger within me. It makes it harder to ignore the things I have done knowing I have had this within me the entire time.

[The darkness was an innate part of Maul as much as his skin color was but he knew it hadn't automatically made him evil. He had chances to become a good person but always he'd turned away and clung all the more to the evil parts of himself.]

You're fast enough to make a getaway. Or just let him get distracted with whoever else is nearby.

[This might be Maul's goodness all in one body but that also doesn't mean that he's not still pragmatic about things.]

[subject_013]

[Cypher pops their head loose then bounces somewhat stiff-leggedly around the desk top, fur fuzzed out and growling before boinging out of frame. Wesker smirks after the critter.]

He'll be mad for a while before he finds a diversion.

[More calm now, he continues.]

She was. I think that's why our little friend tried to reignite something for me, hoping that I can let the memory of Sonja rest in the past and that I can move forward with someone here. Knowing that we created a life ... it gives me a legacy in my world of origin I can take pride in. I did something to deserve this honor.

[A nod at Maul's assessment.]

Fair point. Seeing what one could be, what could have been... or what is part of oneself gives you perspective on yourself. I, too, realized I could be far worse than I am. [Much as he tries not to, he can't push away the knowledge of that version of him who'd launched his own person Project W.] Or I could be better. Or worse, one could be a mediocrity. But that's nothing either of us needs concern ourselves about.

[He chuckles at this assessment.]

If some of the petty clerks who've insulted me happened to be at hand, I might just trip them into his path and make my escape.

[survivalthroughhate]

If you stay rooted in the past, you might miss something important going on in your present.

[Maul knows that all too well. He's done nothing but wallow in his past for many, many years and look at how it has affected his outlook on what is currently going on around him.]

I doubt you could ever be mediocre no matter what alternate paths your life might have taken. But....it is a heavy thing to realize that your life could have gone in a completely different direction, that you could have been a good person who helped others instead of spreading pain and misery.

[There's an amused twitch of Maul's lips.]

Now, now, I can't condone more death that way, even if it does save your life.

[This is Maul's goodness but even then it has been tainted by a lifetime of cruelty and misery heaped upon him. He'll always look out for the welfare of the people he cares about over strangers any day.]

[subject_013]

It's hard not to look backward on someone who made a deep impression, especially when the time spent with them ended quickly. I can't hope to find someone who would match her one to one, but perhaps someone will cross my path who can step into the place she occupied.

[He glances away, hiding some of the conflict threatening to tick through his impassive face.]

Perhaps that is why I was granted visions of what could have been, that the path I had started upon would end up causing the very thing which I had sought to prevent.

[But a sly grin pulls his upper lip back from the tips of his teeth.]

All right, I can restrain myself, even in the name of self-defense.

[survivalthroughhate]

I think that would be lovely to happen. People need others in their lives. No man is meant to be an island.

[He'd read that in a book somewhere in either Deerington or here in Trench. It is a fitting quote at times like this.]

There is that. It can help prevent doing the same things over and over again which will cause us misery if we see other paths laid down before us.

[Maul nods approvingly.]

Very good. I'd hate to be the cause of much death in this place.

[subject_013]

And I've been an island for too long. It was the desire to find a partner which led me to her in the first place. I suppose our connection might have been too good to have lasted. [Or it could have somehow survived or even prevented much of the horror that his path lead him into.]

I've always been one to look at least several moves ahead. There's been times when I suspect I couldn't see past my own moves. And I've seen one path where my intention to save my world from itself resulted in destroying it. And in a manner not unlike to its demise on a different timeline with a different version of myself.