[(Accidental)Transmission 03] [UN: A_Wesker013] [Filtered to Sleepers over 18 ]

[subject_013]

[CW: Dysphoria, sexual repulsion/dysphoria, misanthropy]

[The view appears to belong to Cypher as the Omen perches on a nearby ledge, as his Sleeper stands of the roof of Arklay House, leaning on a push broom, clearly in the middle of clearing snow off the roof, with his back to the Omen as he speaks to a pale figure in armor standing before the house.]

,,,she haunts me here. Seeing the face of the son we created has awakened the memories of her. Now the part of me that remains human.... aches for her. [He says this as if he can barely admit to this.]

I haven't exactly been a monk since her, however.... it was always with a professional whose appearance reminded me of hers. It quelled the longing, but it did nothing to fill the void.

[A harsh sigh, almost a growl.]

I am infected by her. If I could sacrifice half the years I have ahead of me as an immortal.... [He stops himself from completing this thought.] Can one possess both invulnerability of person and the vulnerability of intimacy?

I suppose mimicking some semblance of normalcy, coupled with the memories which keep returning, has turned my thoughts toward wanting a companion, a spouse, even, some semblance of a nuclear family, just as the desire for one led me to the chain of events which lead me, in time ...to her.

If not her, then one like her. One who does not fear me or who does not let the fear of me paralyze her. One who possesses a quietly fierce soul. One who can unlock the door to my heart, just by a touch, but who does not always require the heat of passion. There are too many people who seem to think a man isn't a man unless he's always on the verge of arousal. Progenitor wasn't an aphrodisiac, and simply because it's inactive, doesn't mean I've suddenly morphed into the sex god some people think I must be with looks such as mine. And while it isn't a 'deal-breaker', as the kids put it, it would delight me if she was small with red hair.

[He emits a sound like a dry sob as he turns away.]

Sometimes I suspect you Pthumerians are more personable than some persons. I'd use the term 'human', but that ignores the experiences of those persons for whom the label does not fit. Which makes me wonder where I stand. Humans must be as bacteria to you, while someone like me, a near god among humans, must be as an insect.
The more I've sought to quench that pain, the harder it cuts. Had I someone as gentle but firm to pull the blade from my heart.... [A pause, quiet breathing, less pained than before, as if he's managed to clear his head.]

[A pause and some slow easy breaths.]

It helps. Having someone listening, who will not judge what I have said, who won't tell me merely to couple with the first person who'll have me. The hole in my heart, or where my heart was, needs filling before I fill anything else.

[He falls silent, at which point, Doorway ...just isn't there. Once he is alone, he slowly turns toward the Omen]

...Did you transmit that, you little weasel?

[The view backs up a bit, then Cypher's voice speaks. 'Oy! Boss, I am a weasel. Statin' them obvious, aren't ye?']

Comments

[onerthes]

Finding someone who fits the first two steps ... is not impossible my friend. There are people here who do not judge you by what you are so much as what you do now. Finding romance within that body is the trickier part I suppose.

mmm... yes... you don't really need help in that kind of corruption do you?

[subject_013]

I'm not certain that I have a romantic fiber remaining in my being. Oh, I'd be an excellent provider and protector, but a poet? Not really. I have my moments of seeing the wondrous, but they're generally dark and strange by most people's standards. I need someone who can understand or balance that.

[He lifts his head slightly, as if he just rolled his eyes.]

No. Not in the least. I require someone to keep me on a short leash and tug me back onto the straight and narrow path any time that I stray.

[onerthes]

Romance takes different forms. But no. I don't think I'd ever have expected you to sit and compose a beautiful sonnet so you could serenade me or another damsel or gent from the balcony. [She laughed softly.] Not really your style is it? You would definitely need someone... with a unique perspective.

The short leash is easier to handle. It's the uniqueness of perspective.

[subject_013]

A woman who does not mind having a man who is slow to arouse and seems to have a refractory period that lasts for a week or more? It concerns me that I may be less than adequate as a lover, at least in the bedroom. I fear... it might cause the relationship to unravel.

[A hard sigh.]

It's connection I crave, a filling of a void I'm sensing my life. 'It is not good for a human to be alone.' I think that applies to someone who's broken the boundary of what it means to be human by most definitions.

[onerthes]

[She just laughed and shook her head, winking at him.]

Oh, don't worry nearly so much about that, dear Doctor. You just need... well, for lack of a better way of putting it? Someone with a low libido. Perhaps even someone who is more or less a bit asexual. For some, sex is simply not that important. I know that I've spoken with many like that, though I agree. You need to be on the same page.

[And in that moment she definitely realized that if she'd ever harbored an inkling of a thought, that would probably have been an issue. She... had quite a libido. Refraining as long as she'd done for Minako was a strain at times.]

Hmmm... That line feels familiar. I wonder where... but it's a good bit of wisdom. We're not usually meant to be alone.

[CW: Sex Repulsion/negativity, weird use of religion (aka. Wesker is a psychological wreck)]

[subject_013]

I suspect that may be hard if not impossible for me to accomplish in this place. So many people seem so wrapped up in the matter of the flesh and the senses that finding a woman just as disinterested would be like finding a unicorn in my world of origin. I had the sense of being an anomaly there, and it's only trebled here, in a place where sex is touted as a cure-all for Corruption, when I suspect if Corruption set in and I surrendered to that, it would backfire miserably.

[A pause, a sigh as he looks away.] It's made me wonder if I belong here at all, or if it would be better if I returned to the sea.

[A smirk and his sang froid returns.]

I shamelessly borrowed it from the biblical book of Genesis, the Creator speaking of the first human being. I suppose it had some resonance for me, since I was intended to be the rebuilding of the human species, at least until fate and nature had other plans.

[onerthes]

You aren't truly unique, I assure you. As much as we love to be unique, this is a time where there is comfort in knowing you are not alone. Setsuna and Moira were both very low in their sexuality, Moira to the point where I think she was almost truly asexual. You aren't an anomaly.

[Though admittedly? She didn't know anyone who was like that currently. Still it had happened multiple times, so she had to believe it could again.]

Ahhhh, I see. Equating yourself to god, now, mmmm? You do have quite the ego sometimes. [She winked, chuckling a little.]

[subject_013]

To be fair, it's a uniqueness that one ends up seeing as a flaw, mostly due to people's attitudes toward it. "Oh, you only need to find the right one". I need not elaborate. [And from the pain expressed in the video no one was meant to see, he's never really gotten over her.]

I wonder if some of the dysphoria stems from what history I do have. You've probably figured out that I abhor vulnerability.

[The small smirk playing about his face suggests some semblance of his composure has recuperated.]

It's a mindset I've managed to keep from the front of my mind as of late, especially in this place, though it does color my thoughts at times. Serving others has helped contain and control it, though I wouldn't say I'm cured of it.

[onerthes]

I might have noticed a certain distaste for vulnerability, yes... [She sounded almost bemused as she said it.]

But I do think a bit of service in your attitude and some submission and humility might actually be quite helpful in the long-run in finding the right partner. You're not, after all, wanting a rivalry in this, so a good control over it likely will help.

And are any of us truly free of our sins?

[subject_013]

As long as I don't have a patient experience some transference. The last thing I desire is someone attempting to cross that line. I may forget my duty of care in such an instance.

But on a more serious note, one can turn ones back on ones sins, but they still shape a person's nature, as much as their benevolences. I can't help but wonder if this might be some portion of my atonement for what I'd allowed myself to become and the path I'd considered.

[onerthes]

There's a bit of truth to that. Even if you move beyond the acts themselves, refraining from them in the future, they still are formative in the nature of the soul. You can separate yourself from what has come before only so far. We have to learn from our pasts after all, do we not?

[subject_013]

Indeed. Though for some, the past colors our present with long shadows. One can either flee those shadows or find some measure of solace in them I doubt I can ever completely step away from those shadows. But there's always a twilit option.

[onerthes]

The twilight and the gray are a dark sort of comfort, but sometimes a little bit of both is the solution. Just a little bit of the poison, mmm?

[subject_013]

Enough to adapt to it, not enough to be consumed by it. Time, though, that I opened to the twilight, which will be a work in progress in itself.

A work I will commence shortly. [A small but genuine smile, one of the rare ones which she can bring forth.]

((OOC: Close to a wrap?))

[onerthes]

mmm. I should actually leave you to it then. But feel free to give me a call anytime. You always know where to find me, Albert.

(OOC: I think this is a perfect wrap point yes.)