deernet | Video; UN: BlackMoths

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Video; UN: BlackMoths

[CW: Talk of violence, bloodshed, murder.]

[Here's Lucille, sitting in her candlelit parlor room at home. In the background, there are lots of candles, flames dancing and casting steady shadows on the walls. A wall of books can be seen behind her too, with various trinkets decorating the mahogany shelves -- a wilting flower in a vase, a figure resembling a deer. Her hair is down (unusual for her), and one may notice the moth antennae protruding from her head.]

I wonder if a monster can ever stop being a monster? [She starts, speaking softly, threading her fingers together.] Does a shard of that... horror always exist, buried deep in one's heart, lying dormant but ready to blossom once nurtured?

Tragedy, fear, or pain may all feed it until it takes over and everything you've worked towards is lost.

[She's calm, sitting tall and regal. If she's affected by the subject matter, she doesn't show it, her face an expressionless mask.]

Talk of change is all well and good, but what do you do when you always feel that violence in your heart, its roots embedded in your flesh and bones? You know it's there. It's always there. It grows or recedes, depending on the season.

If you've... hurt innocent people in the past, but now act violently just to protect your loved ones from harm, are you still a monster? Have you really, truly changed? Is it wrong to commit one more act of violence simply to ensure that those loved ones don't get eaten in a world that wants to swallow them whole? If one must kill so they do not watch their loved ones perish, can you really call them a villain?

I wonder what your thoughts are, Trench? Can a monster ever stop being a monster? And do they even want to stop? [She says before reaching forward to switch off the feed. That neutral mask never slips.]

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[Vyng doesn't spend much time on the network. It's only through sheer chance he sees this video. And as it so happens, "change" is something he thinks about a lot. So here we are.]

That depends. What defines a person? How they act on their worst days? How they act right now? Or is it the sum of all their experiences?

[A pause.]

Your antennae are very lovely, by the way.

[Boy, does she have thoughts on this. She hesitates over replying, knowing she's airing her dirty laundry out for strangers to see.]

All people have a monster inside of them. It doesn't rise to the surface unless it's been coaxed by whatever bait it requires. Blood, lust, jealousy, hate, pain, pressure, greed.

Once it's risen to the surface, it'll never go away, not really. You just have to learn how to live without letting it devour you entirely. It's only natural that the violence never goes away, you just have to learn how to control it without rejecting it, and not letting it control you instead.

( The subject of what makes a monster a monster is one that has been settling itself inside of Rose, for a bit now. Truly, there may be some that would see her daughter and think Monster. Rose herself would never, ever think that — and never, ever has, not once — but she recognises that some might. It's one of the many reasons she's so fiercely protective of Sharon, and Alessa. She's seen for herself what happens to a person that others perceive as monster. What horrible things can be done, and justified.

It's why she's more inclined to be protective of anyone here who might be seen as a monster, or... who might identify that way themselves. Which is why this woman's broadcast catches Rose's attention — the moth antennae make her wonder what this even-voiced woman might truly be — and after a few moments, she turns her own video feed on, to private. )

Hello. My name's Rose, I don't think we've met. ( Her greeting is soft and kind, accompanied with a quiet smile. )

It's all so very... complicated. I think that words like Monster and Villain are... too complicated to even really fairly label someone as. What someone may see as a monster, another may see as an innocent who did what they had to do.

...But I think that if someone has that side to them... that side that some would call a "monster", it's a part of who they are, and that makes it precious in its way. Maybe it can be scary sometimes, even dangerous. But it's there for a reason. And if it's something that a person is using to help protect others now.... I wouldn't call it a bad thing, but a useful one. A tool.

[A part of her is unsure of this. It's not the words or the looks or the feelings: she's felt them all before. It's the facade. The cold veneer concealing a wounded soul or the most dread of shadows. Which is it? But... to say that she didn't know the feeling would be ludicrous. In many ways, her experiences was like a mirror to her soul.]

That is... a question I ask myself often. Life... can seem so fragile, when there are so many things outside of your control that could shatter everything you thought was how the world is. What you are.

[Her hands start wringing in front of her, with a pair of tentacles mirroring them.] I... would like to think that they can. I want to, certainly. It would be easy, for me. I could let my powers free, go where I am not wanted, and do all manner of horrible things. I have done it before, too. When I thought it was in the service of what I wanted.

But I choose not to. Even if it is a power I have. Even if it is a part of me. Every use on someone else. Every time I use it to hurt, I have to question if it was the right thing to do. If I am not slipping back to that terrible thing I once was. I have to choose. And I have to live that choice each and every day.

[A journal is laid out before a tall, red haired man that watches the screen with a neutral expression on his face. The questions struck a cord and now he sets his black gloved hands on the table.

His deep voice comes out rather calmly.] This sounds like you’re asking about a specific example or person. But, I’ll answer.

I think it entirely depends on what the person’s motivations and control are. Do they know how to pull themselves back from going too far? Do they have a defined code to follow?

What do they themselves think is a monster? Tragedy, fear, and pain of old days do live in those of us who experienced them. But, they don’t choose the path. The individual does.

If there are external factors, that too must be accounted for. Perhaps the person struggling should discuss it with their loved ones. If nothing else it might help one monitor the level of a response to threats.

[ Ange isn't here for the philosophical or ethical discussion, really.

Maybe she would have been if it had been anyone else speaking up - or maybe she would have ignored the message entirely. But when it's Lucille speaking up, it's that part that draws Ange's attention much more obviously so than anything else about this.

So rather than answering the question - or doing so right away, anyway - Ange just slowly speaks up with: ]

Lucille, what.. is making you think about all this? [ At least Ange has the good grace to make this conversation private, just in case. ]

Isn't monstrosity in the eye of the beholder? If a monster thinks its actions are justified, who's to say that they aren't?

I ignore it, mostly.

[But they've talked about this kind of thing before. He figures Lucille knows a lot of his thoughts on the matter.]

You do what you have to do, sometimes. There's not always a perfectly moral option, and even if there were, you can't always expect people to perform perfectly under stress.
You have to try to be compassionate towards yourself as well, not just other people. That's part of it.

[Oh boy this sure is familiar. His feelings on this subject were once resolute, but Maul has made him question that and it's left him in an uncomfortable position. ]

Even if you think you're justified when you do something...awful, it doesn't mean it is. But sometimes it takes a while for people to...realise that. And for stopping being one? I think it really depends on the person, it matters that- that they want to stop and want to be better. Because I don't think that part of a person ever goes away completely, like, it's always there. It's if that person decides to keep doing those sorts of things or overcome that part of them that matters.

Everyone has the ability to be a better person, but they've gotta want it for themselves or it won't work.

[It is rare for her to spend time on the network. She just doesn't like using the network finds the technology strange and frustrating most days. But she'll brave it if, like today, she has something pressing to share.]

I... may be inclined to believe that it is a sum of all their experiences. What do you think?

[And then she nods in acknowledgment.]

Thank you. They're a result of consuming the cursed chocolates, but I rather like them.

[Lucille knows she'd be locked away for the crimes she's committed, for the terrible things she has done to survive, and the things that she could still do in the future. Her mother first deemed her a monster, and after Lucille killed her, the police called her a monster too. It didn't matter what her mother had done to invoke such rage from Lucille. It was still the little girl with the cleaver who was at fault.]

Good day to you, Rose. I am Lucille. It's a pleasure to meet you.

[Her fingers knit together, elbows resting upon her table, and she listens to Rose, giving the woman her full attention. The woman's point of view is... fascinating, and not at all what she was expecting to hear.]

That is an excellent point. People may judge a person, depending on their own experiences and beliefs, perhaps...

[Humanity is complicated, after all. People are not all the same, and what one may deem monstrous, another may deem reasonable given the circumstances.]

So you don't believe that it is something that ought to be removed? Or... destroyed?

[Thank you, daughter, for making the conversation private. She doesn't want to frighten Ange or disturb her, but she can't quite stifle the thoughts that have been circling so stubbornly in her mind. An apologetic look flashes across her face, but it's gone as quickly as it appears.]

It's... played on my mind for a while now. Ever since... [She pauses, reconsiders what she's about to say, and swallows her words.] It's merely something I think about sometimes.

[Lucille's secrets have been out for a long time now. Most of them, anyway. Some will never surface. They're to remain buried deep in the darkest recesses of her mind. Forgotten, for the most part. The secrets that have clawed their way to freedom are terrible enough, but somehow they changed nothing. Thus, discussing this topic means very little to her now. It's as easy as discussing the weather.

She tilts her head slightly, listening. Her emotionless mask remains in place, never shifting.]

So you believe that everyone has a monster buried within them, ready to emerge under... the right circumstances.

[She says, and it sounds as though she's just repeating a simple fact. She agrees with the woman wholeheartedly, finds nothing to argue about here.]

It is true. It is always there, always waiting. Always wanting. But how do we control it, I wonder?

[Lucille is very respectful, giving the girl her full attention. Her features don't change, her stoic mask never slips, but her gaze is sharp and attentive. She takes in every word analyses them all. She rests her elbows on the table, long fingers entwined.]

So you speak from experience, then.

[She finally says, after a long moment of thoughtful silence. There's nothing judgemental in her gaze -- judgment would be hypocritical.]

We have this... power, this ability to cause pain. I've caused pain often in the past, and I've done it well, all in the name of survival. Making an active choice not to cause pain is proof that we have changed. Understanding that there are consequences for our actions is... proof too.

Did.. something happen?

[ Ange thinks back on that time in Deerington when Lucille had called herself a predator. This seems kind of similar to that, but.. less aggressive, perhaps, compared to the force that seemed to have driven the woman back then.

It feels like so long ago though. Long ago enough that Ange doesn't think it's necessarily what Lucille meant when she let her voice trail off like that. ]

.. in this place? [ She doesn't want to pry, which is why her tone sounds respectful and tactful enough.

But on the other hand, Ange is curious, if not just because she's worried about the wellbeing of the people she cares about. And Lucille is high on that list. ]

Interesting points to consider.

[She answers, after a moment's pause. She absorbs every word that is spoken, considers it all very carefully.]

Yes, it is... very much up to the individual. This person, who will remain unnamed, has often been told that they are a monster, so they now believe it. They cannot always restrain themselves, but they rarely enjoy the pain they inflict on others.

Perhaps they should try to speak to their loved ones. But, alas, they are afraid of frightening them away. I may be the only one to whom they can speak, but is it enough?

[That last part is a lie. She speaks about herself, trying hard not to make that too obvious.]

[Lucille truly appreciates Ange's concern. Of all the people in Trench, Ange is one of the few who gets to see a more honest side of Lucille. But although Lucille feels that she can be more open around the girl, she also doesn't want to worry her or dredge up recent memories.

She seems to have already succeeded at worrying poor Ange.

The girl is being tactful. Respectful. Lucille sees that, acknowledges, and appreciates it.]

I regressed... Forgot myself for a moment. No Sleepers were harmed, only one of those... ghastly zealots. It has played on my mind for months now.

A great deal of people, apparently. People who do not understand the situation, lacking the knowledge required to understand, will still happily tell the monster that their actions are unjustified.

I try, these days. It has become easier with time.

Yes, that is what I'm inclined to believe as well. When faced with a life-threatening situation, an individual may be inclined to act irrationally or in a way that is considered to be immoral. If I am faced with a situation where I must kill to save a loved one or let them be killed, I know what I must do. I don't think that makes me a monster.

Yes, I suppose that change depends on the person, on how much they want it to happen. I believe that the darkness, the monster, is always there too. It cannot be removed and can never be entirely stifled. So we live with it and try not to feed it, no matter how much it beckons and screams.

[She pauses.]

Of course, there is always a chance of regression, of falling back on old habits. It doesn't mean that we don't truly desire change. Some may believe so, but I don't. I think it means we're as flawed as any other person.

But would I be right in assuming you're the monster in question? Or if not you, then someone you feel sympathy for.

If so, what does it matter what people lacking knowledge think? Do you think you need their absolution? Are you worried what they'll do if they know?

I don't really think there are actually such things as monsters.
Or at least, not in that simple way people think of monsters.

Nah. Sometimes things just work out badly.

Ethical codes are all well and good, but you can't forget about practicality.
And the practicalities here are pretty different than in a lot of places.

What do you imagine when you hear the word monster, then?

I guess the kinds of monsters you see in movies or on television. Something big and scary and evil, but fake.

In the real world, people can do monstrous things, but they aren't monsters.

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