Video; UN: BlackMoths

[blackmothwings]

[CW: Talk of violence, bloodshed, murder.]

[Here's Lucille, sitting in her candlelit parlor room at home. In the background, there are lots of candles, flames dancing and casting steady shadows on the walls. A wall of books can be seen behind her too, with various trinkets decorating the mahogany shelves -- a wilting flower in a vase, a figure resembling a deer. Her hair is down (unusual for her), and one may notice the moth antennae protruding from her head.]

I wonder if a monster can ever stop being a monster? [She starts, speaking softly, threading her fingers together.] Does a shard of that... horror always exist, buried deep in one's heart, lying dormant but ready to blossom once nurtured?

Tragedy, fear, or pain may all feed it until it takes over and everything you've worked towards is lost.

[She's calm, sitting tall and regal. If she's affected by the subject matter, she doesn't show it, her face an expressionless mask.]

Talk of change is all well and good, but what do you do when you always feel that violence in your heart, its roots embedded in your flesh and bones? You know it's there. It's always there. It grows or recedes, depending on the season.

If you've... hurt innocent people in the past, but now act violently just to protect your loved ones from harm, are you still a monster? Have you really, truly changed? Is it wrong to commit one more act of violence simply to ensure that those loved ones don't get eaten in a world that wants to swallow them whole? If one must kill so they do not watch their loved ones perish, can you really call them a villain?

I wonder what your thoughts are, Trench? Can a monster ever stop being a monster? And do they even want to stop? [She says before reaching forward to switch off the feed. That neutral mask never slips.]

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Video | UN: forgetmenot

[nilheality]

[A part of her is unsure of this. It's not the words or the looks or the feelings: she's felt them all before. It's the facade. The cold veneer concealing a wounded soul or the most dread of shadows. Which is it? But... to say that she didn't know the feeling would be ludicrous. In many ways, her experiences was like a mirror to her soul.]

That is... a question I ask myself often. Life... can seem so fragile, when there are so many things outside of your control that could shatter everything you thought was how the world is. What you are.

[Her hands start wringing in front of her, with a pair of tentacles mirroring them.] I... would like to think that they can. I want to, certainly. It would be easy, for me. I could let my powers free, go where I am not wanted, and do all manner of horrible things. I have done it before, too. When I thought it was in the service of what I wanted.

But I choose not to. Even if it is a power I have. Even if it is a part of me. Every use on someone else. Every time I use it to hurt, I have to question if it was the right thing to do. If I am not slipping back to that terrible thing I once was. I have to choose. And I have to live that choice each and every day.

[blackmothwings]

[Lucille is very respectful, giving the girl her full attention. Her features don't change, her stoic mask never slips, but her gaze is sharp and attentive. She takes in every word analyses them all. She rests her elbows on the table, long fingers entwined.]

So you speak from experience, then.

[She finally says, after a long moment of thoughtful silence. There's nothing judgemental in her gaze -- judgment would be hypocritical.]

We have this... power, this ability to cause pain. I've caused pain often in the past, and I've done it well, all in the name of survival. Making an active choice not to cause pain is proof that we have changed. Understanding that there are consequences for our actions is... proof too.

[nilheality]

[The stoicism is enough to make her very uncomfortable, and yet she persists.]

My power... is control... and I know very well how hurtful it is when someone else takes control from you. How helpless that makes you feel. I... can do that, too. But... I would only choose to when all other options have fled...

...and even then I think I would struggle to protect myself with that.

[blackmothwings]

That's quite a formidable power to possess. So I can see why you might choose only to use it as a last resort. And I can see how a power like that could be misused in the wrong hands.

[To Lucille, that sounds like too much power. It's unsettling, really, to imagine one's control taken away, leaving that person helpless and vulnerable. Lucille blinks slowly, seemingly contemplating the implications of a power like that. Her expression never changes; she's more like a statue than a human.]

It would be hard to use such a power if you are an empathetic person. But I don't think it's terrible to utilize that power when faced with danger. If someone, or something, is threatening your life... that power may be the only thing preventing you from getting hurt. It would be frightening for the person being affected, yes, but they would have no qualms hurting you if circumstances were different.

[nilheality]

[She agrees, and yet when she became aware of herself and free of the control from the aboleth, she had a choice: she could stop with what she knew and hide away in obscurity, or she could dive deeper and claim that power for her own ends. Though she struggles with facing the consequences, whenever she was given the opportunity she always dove deeper. Ever deeper. And with each rise in power her views of herself dimmed darker and darker.]

Yes. There are creatures of the far realm who use this as easily as breathing. Theirs is the power of the mind, and through it they seek domination over all other things that are not them. It is how I came across this power in the first place.

I know. It's hard. I have to choose each and every time. When it's to protect someone that choice is easy. When it's myself I question. Do I have the right to do this? Am I really worth protecting? Perhaps I am weak-willed but when the moment is passed and the buzz of battle dims, I find myself in that old familiar place, questioning my actions and myself.

[blackmothwings]

Those beings seem undeserving of the power they wield. It ought to be taken from them... if such a thing is possible.

[Her brow furrows, her lips form a thin line, and she listens carefully. They seem to come from very different worlds, but they also seem to share similar dilemmas. Lucille possesses no supernatural powers, but she does possess the ability to hunt and kill efficiently, to numb herself to the violence and gore as she ends someone's life. They aren't abilities to be used indiscriminately, of course. She must always have a good reason.]

Well... I would say that you are. Why should your life be worth less than someone else's? You are someone with thoughts and feelings, like anyone else, and no one should make you feel guilty for protecting yourself against someone who wishes to hurt you.

[She purses her lips again, her stoic mask slipping somewhat.]

Sometimes we only have ourselves to rely on. We have no choice but to fight to survive.