video; un: shiro

[shiro2hero]

Hey, all - I see there's some new faces. I'm Shiro, longtime resident here.

[He's seated on a sofa - well, seated is probably the wrong word. He's propped up by a lot of soft things, thanks to being a Warmblood this month.]

If you have any questions, I'm happy to answer - usually I'm on the Waker team, but ah, didn't get a chance this time around.

[Because of feeling like speaking, like moving, is too much effort.]

Anyway, I had a question. I'm pretty good in a fight, usually prefer hand-to-hand. [He is. Hilarious.] Weapons are a little more rusty, and this thing...

[He turns the omni to face a sword propped against the couch.] ... showed up at our house yesterday. And I could use a few pointers in swinging it.

Comments

[jedies]

I mean, it's not entirely accurate.

But what made you want to learn? Besides the impromptu sword?

[shiro2hero]

Mostly the sword.

If something's decided I need one then I may as well learn to use it.

[jedies]

[ hmm. ]

"Something"?

It should be worth noting. The sword is a weapon. In our hands, it can protect but it is not without hurt or harm. Are you sure this is something you want to learn?

[shiro2hero]

[He's silent for a good few moments. His eyes fall down to his right hand, splayed on the arm of the couch for the moment. Fingers flex, idly. Distant words, fractured memories, flitting through his head.]

[a weapon]

I understand.

I've had to live with that idea for years now. Just in a different shape.

[jedies]

Which is why it's worth asking if it's something you want.

[shiro2hero]

[Does he want another weapon? No, not really. But it's there. And what if someone needs it? If someone needs help and a hunk of metal for a hand isn't going to cut it...]

It's here for a reason. I'd rather know how to use it without getting myself or a bystander hurt.

[I don't want to - I have to.]

[jedies]

[ obi-wan looks skeptical. which isn't surprising since shiro hasn't answered his question. ]

And what reason would that be?

[shiro2hero]

[Yeah, he really didn't. Maybe he'd been hoping to avoid answering - but he should have known better. This is Obi-Wan...]

I don't know.

[That, at least, he'll answer. Pushing his hand through his hair.]

I didn't want to be a soldier, a warrior. I always wanted to be a pilot. An explorer, but... ended up not having a choice.

So - do I want to use another weapon? No. Do I have to? Yeah. I think I do.

[jedies]

[ obi-wan gives him a long look. ]

Do you think the only way to protect something is to fight for it? That you're incapable of anything else except fighting?

[ because that is what it sounds like. ]

1/2

[shiro2hero]

I prefer not to fight - unless it's necessary. And I mean that.

But what else am I supposed to think? I keep...

private

[shiro2hero]

[Okay you know what - we're making this private. He'd rather not blab all over the network.]

I keep waking up with weapons I never asked for. First my arm, and now... this.

This isn't the first time - kind of makes it hard to believe much else sometimes.

[jedies]

[ well. that doesn't sound great. if it had been something else, obi-wan would have probably dropped "the force works in mysterious ways" but this seems active and somewhat harmful in his opinion.

he mulls over it for a moment before replying. ]

I think learning a weapon is a worthwhile endeavour. It can teach restraint, mindfulness and responsibility. But a weapon — any weapon — is the same as holding a life. It saves but it takes. It is your life that you hold and it matters.

And it should not be used with doubts in your heart. You could be the best fighter in the world, the strongest there is. It does not mean it makes you a good protector.

[shiro2hero]

[It does not mean it makes you a good protector]

[we don't need you anymore]

[He's silent again, for a good time, looking down at his hands. They're aching. And he can't tell why, this time. Maybe ... that's true. Maybe he's no longer of any use as a protector. As a defender.]

[As the leader they need.]

Probably doesn't make much difference then, if defending other people is all I want to do with it, does it? It's... all I've ever done with this thing.

[His real hand gestures to the metal one. This thing.]

[jedies]

[ obi-wan frowns lightly. ]

It makes a difference. And as I said, it matters.

[ a pause. ]

Do you know how a Jedi receives a lightsaber?

[shiro2hero]

[He has to think about that for a minute. It's been a long time since that part of his nerd brain got any use.]

You have to make it on your own, right?

[He could be thinking of something else, though.]

[jedies]

[ he chuckles. ]

Yes. We have to pick the parts and compile it together. No single lightsaber is the same. It is very much a construction of our identity.

But I was speaking more of the kyber crystal. When we reach a certain age, we are taken by our teachers to a cave on a planet called Illum. Illum is strong in the Force and incredibly mysterious. When you enter that cave, you must be prepared to face your fears and overcome them to receive a crystal.

[shiro2hero]

[He really can't help the little thrill of pride - he nailed that.]

That part, no, I didn't know it. All of you have to ... overcome this cave?

[jedies]

Feelings cannot be overcome or conquered.

They are a part of us. They are natural extensions of ourselves. We face our fears and let it pass through us. And slowly, we let them go. Because we are more than an emotional response, more than our fears and desires.

It sounds to me like you're limiting your own choice because you feel you have no other. And your own feelings of fear are reaching into you.

[shiro2hero]

You sound like you should be leading the wellness clinic.

[But there's no malice or even annoyance in what he says. It's... sad, almost, tired. He wishes letting go was doable. That's never been something Shiro was any good at.]

[Not for any reason.]

I don't - not really. [There's no choice. Not in having this arm. Not in being handed a sword. Not in fighting, even.] Not if I want my people alive... safe. And live with myself.

[Who wouldn't be afraid of their loved ones being hurt? Or of failing them, even more than he already had.]

[jedies]

[ obi-wan merely smiles. it's not surprising people are unaware of the training jedi receive. in terms of mental health and wellness. ]

I don't think giving yourself up as a weapon keeps anyone safe. Not your loved ones. Not yourself.

Instead you should trust them. Or offer them a choice too. How would they like to learn how to be safe?

You wouldn't force this upon them. How is it fair to force it upon yourself?

[shiro2hero]

I do trust them.

[That comes out abruptly and immediately. He really, truly does. Trust isn't the issue here, they're capable people. But - but Deerington, and now Trench, have worn them all down so far.]

I... if I know how to be a weapon... shouldn't I use it? I didn't get to choose that. I had to be one.

But - why not choose to use it for their sake now?

[jedies]

Let's turn it around then.

If someone said the same thing to you, someone you loved and cared for . . . how comfortable would you be in that scenario? If they did it for your sake?

[shiro2hero]

[Obi-wan sounds uncomfortably like one of said loved ones in that moment. How do you explain - you need to do this. You need to be of use. You need to do something to make it so you're not a burden, you're not as worthless as this place has made you out to be.]

[It sounds so much like empty excuses.]

Pretty sure you know what I'm going to say.

[jedies]

The hazards of experience.

[ it's not a difficult thing to deduce. and obi-wan has seen it many times. in himself, in others. ]

I am a well trained fighter. One of the best. I even developed and honed my own fighting style. But if I define my worth into how well I can fight and take a life . . . then what kind of worth would that be?

[ "your lightsaber is your life" is the old adage jedi keep repeating. how you use it defines you. ]

[shiro2hero]

I - didn't really look at it that way.

I guess I'm just trying to make the best of what I've already got.