video | un: sds

[fogsong]

[ The video comes to life with awkward fiddling, catching glimpses of a dimly lit bedroom and what looks like blank canvases leaning against a paled, paneled wall before she gets her omni set where she'd like. She steps into view and takes a seat on the floor, close enough to the camera to make out the bags beneath her eyes. She fidgets, suddenly unsure of what she's even doing. ]

Last month, right? That was fun. [ Her grin is more of a grimace and she rolls her eyes to emphasize the sarcasm that drips from her lips. It had not been fun, not one lick, but it had been painfully eye-opening. She licks her lips. ] Made me realize some things, though. Namely that I need a teacher of some sort, specifically for... [ She hesitates. She's not sure what to call them because she's never given them a label before. ] Psychic powers, I guess?

It’s not blood-related or anything. It’s complicated and personal but I’ve always had them. I just couldn’t use them. [ To put it very, very simply. ] And when I say psychic powers I’m talking telekinesis and prophetic nightmares. Things like that. [ There's more but those are harder to say out loud. ]

I don’t have much control over them. [ In a lot of ways, she’s scared of them. They’re not the reason Alessa was brought to the attention of the Order, that was just her birth and Dahlia's refusal to name a father, but they’d made it so much worse. ] I don’t really use them consciously. They just. Happen. Usually when I’m afraid or angry or overwhelmed. [ Which seems like it's going to happen a lot here. ]

And I need control over them. Not just because they’d be useful but so I don’t hurt someone on accident. [ It's so she can hurt people on purpose.

She leans forward to turn off the video but seems to realize something and adds: ] Oh, and my name's Sharon Da Silva. If there's someone that can help, I'd... really appreciate it.

[ And off the feed goes. ]

Comments

[fogsong]

[ There is something a touch reassuring to hear from someone with a similar experience, even if it's not exactly the same. She's met so many people here with such an impressive array of powers they could control like they came second nature to them; it's made her a little self-conscious.

Their talk of memories, of controlling them, strikes her. She's not confident that's something she can do. All of Alessa's memories are still fresh. It's been decades since Alessa's suffering began but it's only been weeks since it truly came to an end.

Still, if it helped them, maybe it could help her. She's willing to try. ]

I've tried meditation before, though not for this. I have nightmares a lot and I used to try everything to get over them. I could never really shut my brain off during it, though. [ She'd done it in her bedroom, alone, with an online guide open. It ended in frustration. Maybe it'll end differently if she learns from someone with experience. ] I wouldn't mind giving it another try, though.

How'd you figure out meditation would work for you?

[devilmind]

[ Her question gets a wry smile from the Operator. ]

I don't know if I can explain it easily...

[ They've had a long, long existence and much of it has been framed by context that simply doesn't exist here. Still, they'll try. After a few moments of thought, they begin to speak, choosing their words carefully. ]

For a long time, nobody could figure out how to fix us—how to stop us from hurting people. So they removed our memories. All of them. After that, I didn't know who or what I was, I just... did what I was told. And those times when I felt confused or upset about not knowing, I'd meditate. Until I found the emptiness peaceful again. [ Even remembering it, there's an odd glaze to the Operator's eyes. That simple, near-mindless obedience had defined centuries of their life—sometimes, it's easy to remember it as blissful. They blink, snapping themself out of it. ]

When my memories came back, I tried meditating again. But it was different after that. I couldn't go back to being empty. So, after a while, I figured out a different way; instead of trying to make the memories disappear, I found a way to step outside them. That's how I meditate now.

[ Their eyes focus on the camera again. ] I've taught someone else to do it before, but I don't know if I could... um... connect to you in the same way. [ A slight smile. ] Psychic stuff. Sorry. But I could still try to teach you from the outside.

[ As in, not in the form of a psychic vision inside her mind. Unfortunately, that connection is limited to Warframes. ]

[fogsong]

[ A lot of that hits surprisingly close to home but it's that inability to go back to emptiness that really strikes her. Right now, she was intimately familiar with that desire. She'd never regret her decision to merge with Alessa but there were days where she struggles with the weight of it; the weight of the memories; the weight of being whole.

She notices his eyes glaze as if he were caught in the memory of it. She knew what that was like. ]

I don't know if that'd help me with my powers or not, with controlling them, but... It sounds like something I could benefit from anyway, maybe. [ That ability to disconnect for just a little bit. ] I used to have memory issues, too. I only recently got them all back and... They can be a lot. Like there's more of me inside my head than there should be.

[devilmind]

[ The Operator smiles, happy to have met someone who understands—and who they might be able to help. ]

I know what you mean. But I've had my memories back for a couple of years now and it does get easier.

[ One thing they know: no matter how painful and frightening their memories are, they don't regret getting them back. The emptiness had been peaceful—but it had been terribly lonely, too. In some ways, they'd barely been alive at all. ]

I live in the Church of the Holy Flame in Cassandra, if you'd ever like to practice together. Or I could visit you.

[ The nice thing about meditation: you can technically do it anywhere, so long as there's somewhere to sit. ]

[fogsong]

[ Church of the Holy Flame. It's like being doused in ice-cold water and her breath catches in her throat. It's not The Order, she knows that, but there are two things she doesn't like being wrapped up in the same sentence: church and fire. ]

I... [ Her brain takes a moment to push past the tickle of fear that's hit her. There's no reason for her to be afraid. It's just a church. Fuck. ] I'd like to practice together sometime but... it'd be best if we met at my place. Or literally anywhere but the church. Sorry, I just don't have the best memories associated with places like that.

[devilmind]

Oh. [ The Operator blinks. ] I'm sorry.

[ With how violently factional religion can be in their own universe, perhaps they shouldn't be surprised that others might not be comfortable with such a meeting place. Really, though, the Operator thinks that the Church of the Holy Flame is quite peaceful, especially compared to other temples they've been in. At least there are no Infested. Or prisoners.

Still, they won't push the issue if it makes Sharon uncomfortable. ]

We'll meet at your place, then. You can just send me the address.

[ There's a pause before they realize that they've omitted a rather crucial piece of information. ]

I'm Tenno, by the way.

[fogsong]

No, it's okay. We've all got our things; churches are mine. [ Among other things.

She sends him the house location in Crenshaw and when he tells her his name, a look of realization dawns across her face. ] Oh, that explains the username!