deernet | text | timaeusTestified

text | timaeusTestified | Coming Out

CWs for entire post/threads within: Discussion of sexual orientation, queerness, discrimination against LGBTQ+, homophobia, transphobia, gender identity, themes of coming out etc.

Coming out is such a fuckin' scam.

There's always someone who has to hear this but damn, don't let anyone guilt you into that shit. You don't have to explain any part of your identity to anyone. Not your friends, not your family, not your significant other. Fuckin' nobody. It's your identity. Yours. Not theirs.

And for the record? Don't sweat it so much if you can't figure it out. Sexuality and romantic attraction and gender identity don't need to be forced into some convenient description you found online. It's fine if you haven't found the right word for it. Language is, oftentimes, limiting to the full expression of our existence.

That shit is so fluid most people be wasting their whole life feeling worried about it because everyone around them goes on and on about how they figured their shit out. Like cool, whatever, congrats for them, but trust me, you're not less valid or whatever just because you ain't got a flag to hang yet. It's fine if you never figure it out. It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

It's okay to be confused for a long time and it's fine to want to figure out how to fix that, but like, seriously, a lot of that confusion does come from comparing yourself to other people and their own experiences.

Whatever. I'm making this whole post private in case anyone has questions or would like to talk.

Consider this April's sex education lesson. I'm simplifying things, obviously, but the point is to open the discussion. So. Discussion Opened.

Rules of Engagement:

1. You don't get to ask me who else is responding to this post or what they are saying. I will shove my foot so far up your ass all you'll taste for the rest of your life will be dirt.

2. You are allowed to ask me about my own shit, but I'm allowed to decline to answer if I get a weird vibe from you.

3. Feel free to go anonymous. I won't pry.

4. Do not force yourself to discuss things you are not ready to discuss. I'm not going to beg you for dirty deetz so if you're not ready, then maybe tab the conversation for later.

5. Judgement-free zone. I have been on every sketchy part of the web and am completely desensitized. Imagine a thousand-yard stare but instead of war-torn countrysides, I'm just seeing thousands of years' worth of explicit Sonic x Knuckles fanart. Which, okay, actually, dope ship. Bad example. But you get my meaning.

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[ opens mouth

closes mouth ]

I don't mean to be dismissive and rude, I don't fully grasp the whole situation that brought this on.

But is this something very important in this place, too? [ "too" because Kaneki knows it's an issue many would talk about back in his world. However, ever since he was turned into a cannibal monster he kind of... stopped thinking about anything related to relationships.

But Ken expected in a world where most things want to kill you and your blood causes corruption and you can turn into a beast, this would not be a topic most would stress about ]

I'm coming out here to make it clear.
Some kid out there said I was fucking repressed because I keep keep making comments about peoples dicks.
I just want it on the record that the only thing I'm repressing is the urge to punch him in the face.
Because he was fucking twelve and apparently people look down on you when you do that shit.
Their insults, kids.
They don't fucking mean shit.
You'll learn that when you grow a pair.

Oh, shit. Mac, is that you?

the hedgehog?

[Completely, thoroughly, entirely missing the point right here.]

while i 100% agree that yeah, you shouldn't feel pressured to come out or whatever, it's not exactly like. easy? to not? i dunno weren't you raised in isolation?

that said, god i wish someone had told me not to worry about fucking labels so much. you have no idea how much teenage!me would have appreciated it, because it feels like literally everyone had words for everything and while i LIKE words it just made things more confusing sometimes.

when were you looking at sonic x knuckles was it regular or sanic x do you know de way?

It's... odd.

I feel like I've been spiraling about my own identity ever since I decided to examine it thoroughly. Like somehow, observing it only made it worsen. As if I opened a catbox to give the kitten inside food and discovered that it'd died instead.

I'm not a girl, not exactly. I'm too broken to be a woman; not emotionally, but physically. It was decided that I had to be a girl when I was just a few months old, and learning that I could've been something, someone else, avoided so much misery and confusion and hatred over my body... it shattered a part of me, I think, even though there's a flare of hope whenever I see myself in a skirt or a dress or what have you. When I can bring myself to look at a mirror, that is, before I notice every part of me that's wrong.

But I'm not a boy, either. I tried, before I even knew the truth about my body. While there was some satisfaction in escaping my own crumbling expectations about what I was supposed to become, it also made me miserable. Like I was even more of an impostor in my own skin. My soul never fit quite right but that only made it worse.

And thinking of myself as in between those two is what makes me feel most awful. That I'm not girl or boy, that I'm just some sexless neuter, that I'm furniture like what I told myself for years. When I tried to be a boy, I felt secure in how it made me despair, and even when I fail at being a girl I can grasp at some comfort in the shards, but putting myself between those two extremes feels as if I'm crushing what humanity I have left. I know that there are other people who find comfort in that in between or neither or away from gender, but it just makes me feel hollow.

No matter where I turn, there's always something that fits wrong, one way or another, and I don't know what to do. I started taking hormone "replacement" (not that there's much to replace) a few months ago and I feel like it hasn't done anything beside making my skin softer, which makes me feel like there's something just fundamentally broken with me that refuses to let me find any peace.

Sorry

I know the whole point of this post that I didn't have to have it figured out but I just

Needed to get these thoughts down somewhere

I don't know what to do

Edited 2022-04-19 22:51 (UTC)

[ Gideon, who has never heard of 'coming out' before, finds this whole post kind of confusing, which means she doesn't pay much attention to it.

Except for that last bit. ]

whats sonic x knuckles

idk if i'm all the way a girl anymore.
haven't had time to think about it a lot bc i want my partner to be the first person i talk to about it for real but it was a weird thought i had and now i can't get it out of my head.

sonadow > sonuckles live with the truth

that having been said, yeah, coming out is pretty rough stuff for some people. I didn't really go through that kind of stuff to its fullest extent since I kinda took on a separate life from my parents pretty early, and I've never cared what anyone else thought

but it's not easy.
my weirdest thoughts have always kind of been
if i were a beautiful girl would guys notice me more?
i don't want to be, mind. but the two guys i've liked the most in my lifetime...yeah. there's always been a girl who's more pretty and strong and this and that in the way. nicer, too. i was never the nicest person to them.

anyway they're not here, so nbd. i'm pretty comfortable being gay. my support goes out there for anyone else.

Apparently I was out before. I mean, another version of me was out. I wasn't out. I'm not--

[ well he's just fucked himself, hasn't he. Is there a delete button? ]

Not dismissive or rude.

I do not think it matters much to the natives of Trench. It's a progressive city. But I do know quite a lot of Sleepers are severely lacking in basic sex education and many come from worlds where this stuff does matter. So it still matters to them.

I run a sex shop and kind of sex help I guess so I just try and provide help on the network for when people want to talk about certain subjects.

Yeah, dude, that honestly sounds like repression, not gonna lie. The only people who make that many comments about dicks are people who really love dicks.

Source: me. I love dick and cannot stop talking about cock or making lewd dick references. Dick is on my mind 1000000% of the time.

See, let's evaluate this though: why do you want to punch him so bad? Why feel so defensive about it?

They apparently mean shit enough to make you respond to this. So.

Nope. Name's Dirk. Who's Mac? Is he hot?

Exactly. Although I think there are steamier pairings.

I agree. Societal expectations basically require it at this point. I had the privilege of being raised outside of society so I honestly can't even imagine how fuckin' annoying that must have been. So, you're right.

But I still do think it's important for people to hear. Case in point. Teenage me absolutely just figured it was normal to think nonstop about dudes. Labels are antiquated as fuck. Sexuality is so fluid.

Oh my god. Lol. It was just regular.

First off, no need to apologize. It's fine if you would prefer to find a label for yourself. I just wanted to make it clear that you don't owe that to anyone and you don't need to feel pressured to ever completely understand yourself.

Unfortunately, when we start to look closely at ourselves, we start to experience an intense sense of actualization. There's a reason philosophers have been stressing for fuckin' generations.

(Hmm. This one's an intense one, but Dirk was completely comfortable with helping her through it. He shifts to get a bit more comfortable.)

Not trying to dictate your sense of self here, but it almost sounds like you feel most closely related to a sense of woman/girl but struggle with how your specific body fits into your perception of what it means to be woman/girl. From the sound of your hope, it seems as though you have a desire to fit something in line with that identity.

What do you believe makes a woman a woman? A girl a girl? Physically. What parts of that identity make you feel like you do not belong specifically to that gender?

For the record, I do believe people can feel more feminine or masculine. You may be somewhat fluid.

Hold up.

(A few minutes. Then:)

What do you believe defines a "girl"?

And why do you want to talk to your partner first about it? No judgment. Just curious.

You're completely right, actually.

Yeah, I was pretty privileged. I didn't exactly grow up with any society so, like, I didn't have any reason to give a fuck.

Holy shit.

(Wait no he wasn't supposed to relate so viscerally to something.)

I've had that exact same thought. Literally. All the time. I'm like damn, I want men to love me, and I'm fully aware being a dude hinders that most of the time.

I'm also an asshole. So. I get it. It's hard to get the attention of dudes when hot nice chicks are around.

Seems like we're kinda on the same exact wavelength, dude.

yeah. like, it'd be cool if there WAS no pressure but realistically, like... you will wind up explaining SOME stuff. it doesn't have to be bad though.

yeah. yeah, it sure can be. and that's like, actually nice? if all the bullshit around it didn't exist. i guess in that one way you're lucky.

dude, it's you. it could have 100% been the other thing.

[ There's just an image. K's showing his support for Dirk living his best robosexual life! ]

[ ...And now he'll engage with the topic more seriously. ]

If I didn't identify as masculine, would you still want to be with me?

This isn't me coming out as anything else. Your post just has me thinking about some things that I don't often do.

Like I've mentioned before, during what would I guess constitute my "formative years", I wasn't socialised as a man. I was treated like an object. A sexless and genderless thing. Sometimes I still think of myself that way. I'm still learning what a masculine identity means to me.

Relatedly. My identity as an android is very important to me. I do wish more people understood and respected that instead of thinking I must want to be human, or that being human would be an improvement for me. As though I'm inherently deficient simply for being an android.

i don't know what defines a girl but i know that my body doesn't always feel like it's the right one for me.
i don't know if that's what gender is.

my partner's the only one who knows how to make it feel right.
like they know me better than i do.
sometimes i think of the way they make me feel like a person again and it makes me cry.

[This is all extremely on the nose for Min-Gi. He feels so called out, in fact, that he scrolled past and back several times before actually reading the whole thing and then spent an even longer time thinking about the contents.

But, finally, and this is after telling himself not to engage several times:]

I wish I knew someone like you back home.

Thanks for being who you are.

Timeline/alternate realities shenanigans. Totally get it, dude.

It's cool, bro. Like I said. No judgment. But it's fine either way, you know?

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text | timaeusTestified | Coming Out

@samsa, text

Video | 1stStrike | CW: Toxic Masculinity, Probably some homophobia?

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im so ready for this

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i love this ;o;

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