deernet | video; un: quibbler

video; un: quibbler

[ Luna Lovegood is perhaps the best she's looked in months. Despite the exhausted look about her, and the expression of queasiness — she's void of any trace of Corruption. She's been spending the past several days sleeping, and not sleeping; trying to calm her stomach from the copious amounts of wild animals she'd devoured as a beast. While sustenance for her in Beastform, her stomach now she's human again is... far more delicate. But the worst of it has passed, at least. And Peter has been a blessing for her, making sure she's alright — even if eating has been a little bit of a struggle.

She sits in her room, sat on her bed with her knees curled up to her chest, still dressed in pyjamas. Her Omni rests on her bedside as she begins the broadcast. She's anxious; her brow drawn down in a sorrowful frown. It's important, though. People deserve apologies, even she deserves no luxury of apology in return. She hurt people, quite a lot — and while the memories of the latter half of April are foggy at best, she knows she's done some terrible things. ]

I realise a great deal of people may be very upset with me right now. I would have done this sooner, but I... needed a little bit of time to sort out my mind. [ She's still trying to do that, but it's now or never. ]

I remember the butterflies, and then... it gets a bit mixed up after that. [ It was like... falling down a very, very deep hole. Slowly slipping away from herself, and into something cold and dark and twisted. ]

I'm sorry. I know I hurt a lot of people, I know I— I think I killed people, too. I know I wasn't myself, I became someone terrible and then something terrible. A monstrous Beast. [ It hurts to refer herself as that. No beast is monstrous. But she did monstrous things. That is... simply how it is, and she's ashamed of herself. ] I know people might think it isn't my fault, that I became a Beast — but I still did those things. I barely even know who I did them to, I don't remember much.

But I'm very sorry.

[ She doesn't expect forgiveness, not at all. She's alright with that. Luna's quiet for a long tome, just leaving the apology there. But after a while, she inhales and continues. ]

I was lucky. My friends found me, my boyfriend found me. They brought me back. They knew who I was even though I was a Beast. I can only guess others haven't and won't be so fortunate. [ How many times have Sleepers been killed as Beasts? How many will be in future? ]

I've been doing some thinking, the past couple of days. How to... maybe help Sleepers, somehow. Back home, someone very important to me, a hero to me really, led the way in the study of magical beasts — he's one of the greatest Magizoologists known to Wizardkind. He offered a great deal of insight into beast behaviours, abilities and how best to care for them — compiled it into a textbook.

I'd... like to start doing something like that, but for Sleepers in their Beastforms. I want to do it as my area of study at the School of Mutter. An encyclopaedia of Sleepers' forms of Beasthood, noting their appearance, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. But also how best to help them, calm them down. Bring them back.

[ She doesn't want it to mean it's how to kill them. No, no. Not at all. It's how best to help Sleepers, so they don't have to be killed. But also knowing how best to deal with them, so other Sleepers don't end up getting killed when dealing with Beasts. Merlin knows how many Witches and Wizards were likely killed by magical creatures they had no clue on how to handle them. Wild animals are just that, they can kill. ]

I could have very easily met death at the hands of a Hunter, but I was lucky I didn't. Knowledge is a very powerful tool, and I believe it could do a great deal of good. [ That being said: ] If people have information they'd like to share about their Beastforms, or how they've dealt with bringing Sleepers back — I would like to hear it for my research.

If you'd rather speak in person, you may find me at Ritual Gig in Willful Machine. [ There's a little pause, her voice wobbling slightly. ] You... may have known it as John Constantine's shop, but moving forward I shall be taking up the reins in his absence.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

( They do know, and it's extremely upsetting to see her treated this way. Paimon doesn't even fully understand the meaning of the words — he... still thinks Johnny's mocking the word "witch".... but Peter seems very upset by it in his own ways, horrified to hear someone speak that way to Luna. Gutted by it.

If Peter, who so rarely gets angry, is this upset....? It simply amplifies the demon's feelings, too. )

.....I understand. ( He doesn't like this, but he is, at least, able to think about it. This isn't blind rage, just... an intense one. )

But I can... give him warning. One warning. To make sure he knows that I will not... allow harm. To come to you.

I will eat out his tongue today. Only that.

( PAIMON... )

[ Luna knows they're upset, it's not nice. And she's sorry they're both so upset on her behalf. Luna doesn't like it either, but considering what's happened the man is rightfully angry with her and she's just going to have to take some mean things said to her out of anger. It just comes with the backlash of it all. She accepts it, they will have to, too.

... She will relent on a warning, though. ]

Alright. You may warn him. I will allow that if you really do feel like you need to do that. [ That's... that seems quite safe, doesn't it? No fighting, a firm warning. Luna's quite alright with that. Look, a compromise—!

... Paimon, no. ]

You are not going to eat out his tongue.

( DARN IT, eating out his tongue was going to be the warning.....but Luna says no. The demon is silent for a few long moments, mind spinning with thoughts.

...He has an idea. A perfect warning he can give the foul-mouthed man. It's still... a bit violent, just not explicitly against Johnny...? It's fine. It'll be fine. )

I understand. I will not eat out his tongue today.

( ....That does technically mean he could do it in the future. But it's fine right now! )

[ Why is he like this, they are trying to encourage him not to be like this. Even if she... knows fine well she... directed him to be violent against the man in the first place. Of course Paimon acted on his own merit to defend her, but... she still encouraged him, too.

She did something awful with that. She knows.

She's quiet for a long time, and when she does speak again it's hard to hide the feelings of guilt in her words. There's a soft sigh. ]

Thank you for not eating out his tongue. I know you're very upset with him, that you both are. You're just trying to defend me.

But I have a lot of blame in all of this.

[ In... several ways. ]

( Everything's fine! He's just going to leave a mangled, bleeding tongue on Johnny's doorstep later that night.

Whose tongue is it?? Irrelevant!

For now, though... )

I do not understand. Why you blame yourself.
You are a powerful witch. He is just a man.
He threw glass with foul spirits at you. He was deserving of punishment.

( It seems in Paimon's opinion, even just that much was enough to warrant Johnny getting killed.... )

[ The fact Luna has no idea about this is... for the best. Truly. ]

Perhaps because he is just a man. [ A Muggle, essentially. She killed a Muggle. ] He threw the bottle in the first place because of my behaviour. I wasn't myself, Paimon. I was acting horribly, cruelly. I was hurting people, even if the Corruption wasn't my fault.

[ It wasn't her fault, but she still did those things, didn't she? And she feels guilt for it. But perhaps the worst thing in all of this is what she next says — of course she feels terrible for her action, but this horrifies her: ]

I killed him for a glass bottle, and what's worse is that I directed you to help me do it.

( He can't quite fully understand, because his own perception is so vastly different. While Paimon may not be meant to hurt or kill people, and he's become more aware of that fact over time, he doesn't necessarily feel things like "guilt" when it happens. The only humans he has care for are those he has connections and bonds with. )

I would have helped you even if you had not directed me. He was.... mean. Aggressive. Danger.

( True, the... torment of the man, and the way he'd been killed might have been quite cruel. But by that point, Paimon wanted to punish the man for his behaviour. In the demon's mind, the man fully deserved what he got. It was.... equal. And the fact Luna directed him isn't something Paimon sees as bad at all, but... she very much does; it's hurting her, what she'd done. And he's certainly sensitive to that upset. )

Peter is right. You should not bear this alone. We worked as one, so... Let me carry it, also.

Edited 2022-05-05 03:50 (UTC)

I know. You'd just wanted to protect me. But I did direct you, and I should never have done something like that. Not when you've been used like that before.

[ He's been twisted and guided towards violence, towards maliciousness before and Luna certainly looks down upon those who used him like that. But now she's done it herself and she hates herself for those actions. She'd never want that for him.

They might have acted together on this, but it wouldn't have even happened if she wasn't Corrupted, if she wasn't being so horrible. All of this is... such a mess. ]

But you shouldn't have to take the blame for my actions. I got you both into this mess.

( He hadn't even considered it in that way. There's simply never been any thought in the demon that Luna would use him or manipulate him in such a manner, and even now... he doesn't see it as the same thing.

Of course, he still barely remembers what had happened, then. It's like someone else's life, or someone else's dream. Every once in awhile there are snippets of understanding, but... he doesn't explicitly remember The Cult, The People. Even Grandma is something strange and foreign to him, as much as some part of him remembers warmth and comfort associated with the woman. He's never sure which parts are really him. He still feels like too many people, sometimes.

....But through all of what's lost about him, Luna's always been something to hang onto. He trusts her unflinchingly — which perhaps could be dangerous, but... no. No, he doesn't feel used by her. He knows he doesn't. And he certainly can relate to the concept of being some warped version of one's self. )

Your mind was not... the same. Your reality was not the same. I know. I understand.

( After being influenced by various town effects and other people, he's learned that. Thanks to Luna. Even after he'd hurt her in scarring ways, even if it had taken her a long time to feel comfortable around him again, Luna hadn't turned her back on him or shirked from her care. )

....you are...gentle. To every one. Every thing. Forgiving.

My witch. You must also be gentle to your self.

[ It's an answer she wasn't quite expecting, and it surprises her into quietness. She wasn't the same, her mind wasn't the same. And he understands that. She believes that; of course he knows what it's like to not be the same. How he's supposed to be, and how he's been in a way that wasn't. But the second thing he says is what stuns her more: You must also be gentle to your self.

In the silence, she can feel tears prickling at her eyes. There's nothing but the soft, hushed sounds of upset, shared between them. A quiet, tired kind of sorrow. ]

You... think I'm being too hard on myself with this. And don't say 'yes' just because it's me. [ Just agreeing with her to make her feel better, that she should be kinder to herself about all of this. She wants something... truthful, impartial, unbiased.

Luna quietens once more; she's thoughtful for a long moment. And then, almost a whisper: ]

... I did terrible things. Forgiveness shouldn't be given so easily for it, even from myself.

Edited (Grammar....) 2022-05-06 02:54 (UTC)

( Those soft, aching sounds make the demon echo a few back, his own upset sparked by hers. As usual, he's some reflection of Luna, sensitive to her on a level that even Peter isn't, and that almost instinctive need to assist and support her has only become stronger over time.

But her request gives him pause. 'And don't say 'yes' just because it's me.'

It's... true that he has bias towards her. His Bond with Luna means a certain loyalty is of course natural, but... the demon's attachment to the young witch isn't fully typical, either. There are other parts to it, things that aren't so objective and impartial and businesslike. There are facepets and hand-holding. Arts, crafts, and shopping. Watching movies and eating sweets. Perhaps those things are too human for what he really is. Perhaps his loyalty has found new shapes, now.

But this isn't the time for that. He understands what she needs from him. And that odd, lost, childlike part of him shifts in ways it's able to shift a bit more easily, these days. Into the King. Even his mental voice changes, becomes much more clear, assured; the transition is like night and day. )

When Peter was Corrupted... he did things he considers terrible. He can not separate himself from it, even if this place was responsible. It manifested in a way that was... personal. To him. To us.

( Corruption certainly seems to take what's already in there and twist it. Peter had become that most violent version of Paimon. Luna became arrogant and cold, her magic was used as a weapon. It... is personal. )

If you also see the Corruption, and the Beasthood, as a part of you... or perhaps that it was able to harm people in a particular way through you.... you cannot forgive yourself fully?

But you do not have to. It is all right if you cannot. Perhaps you can simply try to forgive the part that you know would never desire to harm someone. The part that aches from it. She is the one who deserves forgiveness.

I do think you are being too hard on her. Because she would never choose to hurt, to kill. I know she would not.

( The words are logical, not biased — even if he speaks well of her, that much is the truth. Luna would never choose to harm someone of her own free will. )

Edited 2022-05-06 20:02 (UTC)

[ Part of her knows it's a bit of an ask, knows the natural inclination to agree with her just to appease her. There's so much of them that isn't typical, tied up in something warmer than is what is expected of their relationship. But she does need something that isn't — she's asking for advice.

And she listens silently, seriously. His words echoing softly as she absorbs them, repeats them to herself. It's a strange mix of emotions, hearing it rationally — grateful he's trying to offer that advice, proud of his attempts, some quiet awe that it's him that's offering it to her. All throw together with the upset and guilt she already has. From where she sits in her room, her eyes feel too full with tears — and she wipes at them, keeps quiet.

She doesn't have to forgive herself in full. She doesn't have to forgive the parts twisted into something cold and dark, the parts of her that hurt others. The parts she became. But forgiving what else remains: the softer parts that never wanted it in the first place...? She's been looking at herself in full, wholly in blame — she needs to look at the smaller parts of herself. It's... she's quite taken aback by how sound the advice is. ]

... You're right.

Even if I can't forgive myself, there's parts of me that do need to be treated kindly for the things I did. ... Maybe that's why it hurts so much, being too hard on the part of me that wouldn't want to hurt or kill people, on top of everything else.

[ She wipes at her face again, sniffles a little loudly. He might hear it in the quiet, from wherever he is in the house. But there's a sorrowful sombreness to her voice. ]

... I'll try. I will. I'll try to be kinder to her. You're right.

I needed to hear that, thank you.

Edited 2022-05-13 14:46 (UTC)

( For so long, appeasing Luna has certainly been the goal, but.... perhaps their relationship is changing once again, ever-evolving and growing. Paimon's already begun a certain shift in his care for her, with the ability to assist her on a deeper psychological level than before.

And this... this counseling, it's something a little new but something that feels just as natural. Like a part of him that's been waiting to emerge when it's able to. It certainly isn't one-sided; Luna has provided counsel and support for him many times over these past few years. These days... perhaps he's beginning to be able to offer it in return. And it's much easier for him to communicate verbally through this link. )

It is a lot to bear. Layers of... hurt. Of weight. Too much for one person.

It is all right to let some of it go. Then you will be able to better focus on healing. Then you will be able to better focus on your research.

And I will help you with the parts that still hurt. Peter will help you.

( He isn't far away; he does hear her upset through more than just this mental tether, now. And he's already moving with the intention to find her if she'll accept company: to bring her tissues, pet her face and smooth away tears. To make intricate patterns with her hair, braids woven through her curls. Calming things he knows Luna likes. )

I'd like to think that maybe working on this research, this book... it'd help let more of it go, too. Maybe. [ It's... making up for her wrongs. She knows she can't take back what she's done. But with this she can offer some good out there. ]

I know you will. You're a good demon. And Peter's a good boyfriend.

[ Luna knows she's got a lot to do today, plenty of people to speak to and meet up with. This broadcast has certainly thrown her into the thick of things. It's kick-started plenty for her. She'll need to get to the shop in a little while, too.

But it's... trying to be gentle with herself, she could do with the company. This was... a lot, all of this. Just trying to get all out this out here, dealing with the backlash. A little emotional support and comfort is the least she can afford herself for a short while before she gets back to the day. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

video; un: quibbler

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: identity confusion things bc this turned Deep

paimon dealing out the emotional damage

he will rip out ur tongue but also..... ur heartstrings.....

no subject

no subject

we can wrap that there?