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[ Luna Lovegood is perhaps the best she's looked in months. Despite the exhausted look about her, and the expression of queasiness — she's void of any trace of Corruption. She's been spending the past several days sleeping, and not sleeping; trying to calm her stomach from the copious amounts of wild animals she'd devoured as a beast. While sustenance for her in Beastform, her stomach now she's human again is... far more delicate. But the worst of it has passed, at least. And Peter has been a blessing for her, making sure she's alright — even if eating has been a little bit of a struggle.

She sits in her room, sat on her bed with her knees curled up to her chest, still dressed in pyjamas. Her Omni rests on her bedside as she begins the broadcast. She's anxious; her brow drawn down in a sorrowful frown. It's important, though. People deserve apologies, even she deserves no luxury of apology in return. She hurt people, quite a lot — and while the memories of the latter half of April are foggy at best, she knows she's done some terrible things. ]

I realise a great deal of people may be very upset with me right now. I would have done this sooner, but I... needed a little bit of time to sort out my mind. [ She's still trying to do that, but it's now or never. ]

I remember the butterflies, and then... it gets a bit mixed up after that. [ It was like... falling down a very, very deep hole. Slowly slipping away from herself, and into something cold and dark and twisted. ]

I'm sorry. I know I hurt a lot of people, I know I— I think I killed people, too. I know I wasn't myself, I became someone terrible and then something terrible. A monstrous Beast. [ It hurts to refer herself as that. No beast is monstrous. But she did monstrous things. That is... simply how it is, and she's ashamed of herself. ] I know people might think it isn't my fault, that I became a Beast — but I still did those things. I barely even know who I did them to, I don't remember much.

But I'm very sorry.

[ She doesn't expect forgiveness, not at all. She's alright with that. Luna's quiet for a long tome, just leaving the apology there. But after a while, she inhales and continues. ]

I was lucky. My friends found me, my boyfriend found me. They brought me back. They knew who I was even though I was a Beast. I can only guess others haven't and won't be so fortunate. [ How many times have Sleepers been killed as Beasts? How many will be in future? ]

I've been doing some thinking, the past couple of days. How to... maybe help Sleepers, somehow. Back home, someone very important to me, a hero to me really, led the way in the study of magical beasts — he's one of the greatest Magizoologists known to Wizardkind. He offered a great deal of insight into beast behaviours, abilities and how best to care for them — compiled it into a textbook.

I'd... like to start doing something like that, but for Sleepers in their Beastforms. I want to do it as my area of study at the School of Mutter. An encyclopaedia of Sleepers' forms of Beasthood, noting their appearance, abilities, strengths and weaknesses. But also how best to help them, calm them down. Bring them back.

[ She doesn't want it to mean it's how to kill them. No, no. Not at all. It's how best to help Sleepers, so they don't have to be killed. But also knowing how best to deal with them, so other Sleepers don't end up getting killed when dealing with Beasts. Merlin knows how many Witches and Wizards were likely killed by magical creatures they had no clue on how to handle them. Wild animals are just that, they can kill. ]

I could have very easily met death at the hands of a Hunter, but I was lucky I didn't. Knowledge is a very powerful tool, and I believe it could do a great deal of good. [ That being said: ] If people have information they'd like to share about their Beastforms, or how they've dealt with bringing Sleepers back — I would like to hear it for my research.

If you'd rather speak in person, you may find me at Ritual Gig in Willful Machine. [ There's a little pause, her voice wobbling slightly. ] You... may have known it as John Constantine's shop, but moving forward I shall be taking up the reins in his absence.

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[ There's a knowing look in Ange's eyes - and a faint roll of her eyes, since it's certainly not the first time she's seen or heard of that particular man acting like a total idiot. A small 'hmm' of confirmation, and then she continues with: ]

There's a reason I don't often make public announcements. [ Because it drags all the idiots out of the mud, clearly - though Ange can understand why Luna didn't have much of a choice this time. The other is kind enough that she knows that of course Luna would want to apologize for what happened last month, even if it's not like she had much of a choice in transforming into that beast.

Which is something Ange likes to think most people would know in this place, which is why she just feels exasperated at how hard that guy came at her for it. ]

I hope it isn't stressing you out even further. It's not worth it.

[ She moves closer, putting the thermos down on the most nearby table or counter, and then conjures up two cups that emerge from a cluster of golden-- well, usually it's butterflies, but for some reason today it's ladybugs, making Ange's nose wrinkle in a near-pout, though she doesn't remark on it. ]

Want some tea?

It would have been far easier if I could remember who I'd hurt. [ It would have made things a little better for her trying to handle things. She could have reached out privately to people, rather than broadcasting so publicly. ]

I fully expected a great deal of backlash over my actions last month, and certainly accept people will be angry with me. [ She knows fine well she hurt and killed people last month, and they have every right to be angry at her for it. They're hurting too, more so than she is. ] I just... didn't expect it to—

[ She gestures vaguely. Enough said, really. ]

Peter and Paimon jumping in was certainly stressful. They mean well, and I know they were only trying to defend me. But telling them to back down and not rip or eat a man's tongue out was not on my list of expectation on how things would go.

[ She loves Peter dearly, and cares for Paimon very much so — but this was so much. Luna seems to shrink a little, her shoulders sagging and she slouches to rest upon the counter, face in her hands. She is... very tired. And she wishes John were here, too. With a heavy sigh, she watches Ange conjure the teacup, frowning thoughtfully. ]

Tea would be lovely. I didn't know you did ladybirds, too.

[ No one expects the sheer force of the Johnny inquisition. Not even when you expect people to be angry with you already, apparently.

But that's not the first thing Ange focuses on here. She frowns as the other points out the shape of her magic. ]

I don't. Something is messing with my magic.

[ So far it doesn't seem to have any adverse side effects though, so Ange is willing to wave it off for a moment. Especially since Luna's concerns are far more pressing. The girl has had enough to tire her in this place already for this to be added on top of it, so she just starts pouring the tea. At least some tea might help a tad. ]

As for Peter and Paimon.. Well, they just do it because they care for you. [ Obviously so. Even if Ange didn't know Luna and Peter were dating, she'd say it's entirely obvious just how much both the guy and the demon care for her. ] Even if it's a little...

[ .. hm. ]

.. intense.

[ Yes, that works, Ange thinks - and she finished pouring the drinks. ]

Is that what bothers you the most about this situation?

[ Honestly. The man is still very much a stranger to her. She doesn't even know who he is, or what his name is. And then there was just... all of that. ]

How odd. [ There's a slight frown. ] I suppose that can happen from time to time, kind of like in Deerington. I know any healing magic's never worked how it should with me.

[ Something that's carried over from Deerington. It's... strange. But she doesn't worry too much, she just... tries to be careful, uses it sparingly. But at least Ange doesn't seem too worried about the whole thing. If she's still able to use it...? Perhaps it's... an aesthetic change..? ]

... I worry with them throwing themselves into the firing line. I know they were just trying to protect me, and they'd get involved because they care about me. [ Intense is... a good word for it. ] But I even directed Paimon to violence and retaliation, they got into this mess because of me.

I just... don't want them getting hurt. They're too important to me.

[ ... yes, that's not just Peter. That's Paimon, too. ]

I think.. it's just as you say though.

[ The topic of magic can wait, Ange thinks. Sure, she's a little worried about how different her magic looks, and whether or not that might somehow escalate this month, but she would always prefer to talk about another person's problems first.

Especially since she feels like Luna's problems are a little bigger. Ange can sort out her own problem later - but between what happened to Luna last month and now that wild, wild network exchange, that's a bit more of a mess to first deal with. ]

They do it because they care about you. [ Both of them. That much is obvious. ] I mean, if someone was threatening Peter or Paimon, would you just stay quiet in the face of that?

[ Ange doubts it. Luna is sweet, but Ange doesn't think the other would just let something happen to her friends - let alone to her boyfriend and his internal demon companion. ]

Well, no. I wouldn't. [ Ange has certainly got her there. ]

I suppose I just worry considering, well— Peter's very human, you know? I'm a Witch. [ She can fight, defend herself. Peter is... woefully unprepared. And while Paimon has certainly gotten into scuffles, she's... really trying to keep him from turning to violence. ] I just... want them safe.

[ There's a long, soft exhale. She looks about the shop, almost mournfully. She really wishes John were here. She swallows thickly before adding quietly: ]

Not to mention if Peter gets killed, he and Paimon will get separated. And I don't know how to put Paimon back. John did that. [ All the reason to worry if they're in the firing line. ]

[ .. well, that last thing certainly is an issue. It's not one that Ange had exactly considered yet. She has a lot of experience with demons, but less so with demonic possession, so she was kind of assuming that if Peter died, Paimon would die right alongside him..

But it seems that matters are a little more complicated than that. It's something she can address in a moment, offer to help, but there's something a little more pressing here.

It feels a little bit like meddling, but.. well, it's just her caring for her friends, right? The memory is burning so hard in her mind as she recalls it at Luna's words, so she can't help but bring it up. ]

You know.. Peter actually told me something, just the other month.

[ Is it the sort of thing he wouldn't want her to blab about to Luna? Ange isn't too sure, but she's also decided it can't hurt much. ]

We had a talk back in the jungle. About.. you know, fears and stuff. He told me that his ideal version of himself would be someone who's a little braver. Just enough so that he could protect other people.

[ Hence why Ange couldn't help but think back on that moment right now. It just suddenly feels so relevant in the light of Luna's words. ]

I'm not saying that it isn't valid to worry about him. [ It's still Peter. A stiff wind could probably knock him over. Or get him to shriek. ] But I also think it's good to have faith in him. Even if something does happen, he's got Paimon to back him up. I know their relationship is.. difficult.

[ Heck, Luna probably knows that so much better than Ange does, she figures. ]

But I don't think he'd let his vessel go down without trying to protect it. And even aside from that, Peter--.. He seems like he's trying to become more resilient in his own right.

[ The words give her pause, falling to a hushed stillness as she listens. He told me that his ideal version of himself would be someone who's a little braver. Just enough so that he could protect other people. Her lips purse, her expression shifts into something that's almost like resignation. ]

... I do tell him he's braver than he gives himself credit for, that he can be brave. [ And he wants to be brave. She's no stranger to the fact that Peter often wishes her could be... more. He's told her as much before; that he never feels like he's enough for her, that he never feels like he can do enough to help her, to make things easier for her.

And Luna's assured him that he'll always be enough for her, that everything he does is plenty. That he tries, that his heart's in it — and that means the world to her. That it's alright if he can't deal with things like she can. But... even despite her assurances, he still wants more. He wants to be more. There's a little bit of pride and admiration in her face, in amongst the worry and quiet acceptance. ]

Paimon's vowed to protect Peter as much as he does me. I don't doubt that, that he'll do whatever he can to keep Peter safe, alive. [ There's a soft exhale, weary. Today has been... a very long day. ]

I suppose it's just... so much harder when it's the real thing, when the danger and threats are real. You know? In theory it's... fair enough. But when things like this are happening.... [ She gestures to her temple vaguely. ]

It's like little alarm bells are going off in my head and I just want to shut everything down so I can keep him safe. It's different if it's me. But... if it's him?

[ Ange slowly exhales, picking up her tea cup. She isn't even sipping from it. Instead she's holding it between her hands, like she's just allowing it to warm up her hands like this more than anything while she listens to Luna talk. ]

.. I'm sorry. [ She finally says, once it seems like the other is done for the moment. ] You've already had quite a day. [ With the entire mess on the network. Not to mention the very reason for it in the first place-- ] And you must still be tired from everything that went down.

[ She shakes her head, putting the cup down on the counter again. ]

It's not anything you have to figure out right away, especially when you've got enough to think about. I just.. [ Her voice trails off, like she's thinking, and then Ange continues. ] I guess I just wanted to give you it to think about.

[ Even if it's a long term sort of thing. ]

Especially since I can understand Peter. I, too, am the weaker half of a couple. [ Ange smiles a little as she says it. It might be a tad wry, but her words aren't self-deprecating in the slightest. To her, it's just objective truth. Anyone who has seen Ruby in action would know that. She's like a shining star on the battlefield. Who could compare? ] But even knowing your partner is strong.. It doesn't stop you from worrying. With how dangerous things can be here, we're all in danger when we go out to face a threat, no matter how strong we may be. I worry so much about Ruby when she goes out to fight, no matter how much I think she can handle anything. And.. I'm sure she worries about me too. But she still lets me go along to support her.

[ It's why they had answered Peter's call together to try and help contain Luna in her beast form, after all, rather than Ruby going at it alone. ]

I'm definitely not saying you two have to do the same. Like I said, it's just-- food for thought, I suppose, you know? I can't help but speak up when it feels so relatable to me.

It's alright, today is just going to be like that. [ By which she means a day with will continue to be very long a difficult day. She takes her own tea, nursing it for a moment. She's quite resigned to it. She's honestly just doing her best to get through it and when it's over, she can cuddle up to Peter in bed. Taking a small sip of her tea, she does smile a little — very appreciative. ]

Tea is very helpful, though. [ Thank Merlin for tea, and friends who bring it as a gift. ] And I understand, perhaps it's quite useful to be reminded of it to think about.

[ There is so much going on for her right now, and while she does appreciate Ange's apology for bringing up — it's worth bringing up to think about. She's quiet for a long time, tired eyes glossy as she listens to Ange. She raises a good point, of course she does. ]

If it means anything, I don't think you're the weaker half. You're... like a 'power team'..? [ Is that it? Is that the right term for it...? She swallows, falling quiet for another long moment before she continues. ]

... It's hard, when you've already lost a lot. [ Peter is one thing she cannot lose. She's lost too much over the years. Her mother, what the war took from her, what Deerington took from her. Peter is a precious thing to her.

... And Merlin knows Peter probably is exactly in the same boat as her. She's just as much a precious thing to her, when he's lost so much too. The next thing she utters is like a little afterthought, a reminder. ]

Better with a friend, than alone. [ Always. ] ... I suppose I'm not really giving him a chance, am I?

I just worry that it's too much for him, sometimes. He's strong and brave, and he's wonderful. [ There is so much she loves about Peter. But it would be a lie if she ignored the fact Peter is particularly fragile and difficult, through no fault of his own. It bolsters how much she does try to protect him. ] But I know sometimes it gets too much for him, in his head. And sometimes I don't know what to do with that. It's... hard to find a balance.

Edited 2022-06-18 00:58 (UTC)

Have you guys ever.. you know. Tried to get help with that..?

[ Out of all of the many things she could say here, Ange can't help but focus on that. She's relieved that just having some tea with Luna is helping the other on a day where not much can be helped, and she's a little flattered by Luna putting her on a level at least a little closer to Ruby - though Ange isn't sure how warranted that part is -, and Ange sure knows the pain of loss on a very, very deep level.

But this feels like the most productive turn of conversation for now, continuing to warm her hands with the cup as she thinks, and slowly speaks. ]

I'm not sure how doable that is in a place like this, but surely there's got to be someone who can sort out stuff like that. [ Like a therapist.

But Ange isn't too picky. An otherworldly variation would easily do too. ]

I mean.. We all have our own things to deal with. And it's rare to find someone here who is entirely okay. [ Despite the way Ange works so hard to always project her imagination's best self - someone who's strong and reliable and unflappable - she sure won't claim to be without her own trauma and her own shortcomings due to that. ] But I agree with you that Peter is.. a little more fragile than most, though it's very understandable, given his circumstances.

[ Ange is pretty sure Paimon residing in his head is only one problem of many Peter has had to deal with. ]

He could probably use a little bit more help than anyone.

[ At least the rest of them can cobble together some (occasionally terrible) coping strategies. ]

That was my thought, if there was even something like that. It often feels like there's a lot of us with a great deal of pain and no one who's a... professional sort to speak to. [ Why is that, she wonders. Who knows. The ocean needs to bring some more therapists. There's a thoughtful frown before she remembers: ]

... Peter's father was a psychiatrist—? I think that's the same kind of thing in regards to the kind of help maybe Peter would need, right? ... Although I'm not sure how much he'd be receptive to it.

[ Would speaking to someone who works in the same field as his father be too painful? She doesn't know. ]

He does know he can always speak to me, at least. [ And Luna's told him she'll always try to help the best she can, even if she's not sure how she might help him. There is that, which is often better than nothing. ] I do try, and I do think it helps sometimes but...

[ Well, she's.... just her, isn't she? ]

[ Ange hums. In agreement that it does sound like the kind of help Peter could use, and also just in recognition of the other stuff Luna is saying. Honestly, the other girl didn't even have to say that Peter knows he can always talk to Luna.. It's so obvious to Ange just how close the two are. There's no doubt in her mind that Luna does absolutely everything she can to help him. ]

Yeah. It can't.. always help, right? Because it's not like we're professionals..

[ None of them always know the right thing to say or do, even when it's with someone they care about so much. ]

I guess it's the best you can do anyway. You know, in absence of said professionals. [ The ocean should bring them some more of those, sheesh. ] Just don't ever be too hard on yourself about it either if it ever doesn't seem like it's enough. You're only human too, you know..?

[ And Ange knows Luna is always doing the best she can. ]

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cw mentions tongue-related trauma

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