text; un: tabris

[peripheries]

Humans talk so much about love, but how do you know what love is? And if a feel you feel is love?

The first time I felt what I thought was love, it was someone else's will. And it was sticky, heavy like my chest was constricted and I couldn't breathe, like I was choking on it.

The next time, I felt elated and weightless, like all pain and sorrow had vanished from the world and my memories. I knew eventually, I'd be hurt but... in that moment, I believed nothing could harm me, and it still cut like a knife when it happened.

Could both of those feelings be love? Or is love something else entirely? Can you hurt someone and still love them? Is being hurt by someone you care for and accepting that hurt a form of love?

How do you know if you're even capable of such feelings?

Comments

[peripheries]

I have pain and been hurt. I've betrayed and been betrayed. Is that what it is? Trapped in a cycle looking for love without pain when it doesn't exist?

[slayerskiss]

[There is something (Gideon's soul burning within her) that makes her heart sting at the raw hurt of his words.]

Don't think there's much in the world that exists without a little bit of pain.

But yeah. I think it's a little like that - you always look for something perfect, something that won't hurt, but there's no such thing. Just the decision of whether the good's worth the bad.

It's a decision only you can make, really.

[peripheries]

I knew going in that it there would be no perfection. But... I didn't expect sharp pain would feel once I'd bared my heart to someone else. It was easier to think I was strong before.

It's made me more confused.

[slayerskiss]

I stopped. Baring my heart, I mean. I was betrayed a few times, I betrayed a few more, I figured I'm done with making those kinds of connections.

Still ended up doing it anyway. It snuck up on me. I didn't realize it was happening until it hurt.

I'm the last person anyone should take advice from. But what you're going through is... awful. But it passes. And you'll feel what you felt before again. It's normal.

Are you angry at them?

[He knows enough about this kid to know he's talking about Paul and that green mop kid.]

[peripheries]

I'm angry that one hurt me and the other failed to understand me. I'm angry I was left behind. And I'm angry at myself for making foolish choices that led to what happened.

[slayerskiss]

I get that.

I also get that reassuring you that you didn't do anything wrong that warrants you blaming yourself would probably fall on deaf ears. You did a brave thing. I'm sorry [And it's strange, when she apologizes for this, it feels like she's responsible.] that it didn't work.

How did he hurt you?

[peripheries]

He... forced me to stop against my will. Controlled my body as though I were some sort of willess puppet or a prisoner in my own form.

Like I was nothing.

[slayerskiss]

Yeah.

I know the feeling. It's awful. Especially when they think they're doing you a favor.