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[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.

As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]

Shit-...

[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]

I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.

But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[And then the feed shut off.]

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I feel like I dragged a whole bunch of people down.

[Frankly, he didn't even remember half of it. It was fuzzy and hazy and he knew he fought some people and broke a lot of things, but it was the details... the faces of people he'd affected, the items he'd destroyed... that were hard to recall.]

I... want to say that you did not. Because this happens. Because you regret that it happened. Because you can't control all of these things. You can never fully control them. No matter how much you prepare. Sometimes it happens.

[She dragged her hand through her hair and she sighed.]

Would you like to talk with someone who you didn't lose it towards for a bit? I know that you need to talk with them, but sometimes... it can be good to get away from that whole situation. And besides, we haven't talked in a while, and I've been meaning to apologize for that.

[Keith wasn't sure if he was feeling up to be social, but... was this really 'social' in this case? He wasn't sure. Honestly, being alone probably wasn't the best thing. And maybe just... sitting somewhere else... might help. He sighed a small huff.]

That's probably not a bad idea. Just... not... wallowing... I guess.

Exactly. The feeling of remorse and loathing, it's normal. But don't let it overwhelm you. As hard as it sounds, you have to be able to forgive yourself. [Fidget, fidget.] It's important that you forgive yourself, Keith.

[She might have put a little too much stress on it when she said that. She did remember how much Keith could get very hard on himself when something went badly like this...]

Would you like to get something to eat? To take your mind off of things, just the two of us?

[Keith was definitely the type who was painfully aware of his own flaws, and tended to really take things on himself in harsh ways. Though, he was also highly defensive when he knew he didn't do something wrong and someone claimed that he did... which really often ended up being the opposite side of the same coin.]

Uh... [He had no appetite, really, but he knew he should eat. He took a deep breath.] Yeah. Okay.

[He'll just avoid the actual topic of forgiveness for now...]

[She breathed a sigh of relief, reaching up to run her hands through her hair and nodding. Ok, food was good. Food was avoiding problems, but that was nothing new. She did that a lot.]

There's a nice little restaurant in Cellar Door. I'll send you the address and meet you there in, say, a half hour?

[Half an hour. Probably just enough time for him to attempt bathing, putting on cleanish clothing, and then immediately talk himself out of going, but he'd give it a try.]

Yeah. That sounds... [Good? That was too optimistic.] Okay.

[She sent him a quick affirmative, and cleaned up herself. She'd picked a place that wasn't far from the Cellar Door itself, so the lanterns would make travel there quick and easily. Picking out a lighter ao dai, something that wasn't too fancy, she was relaxing against the doorway to the restaurant and waiting for him.

No worry was etched on her face, but she did have a few concerns. It felt... important to spend time with him today, considering what he was going through. It was probably a good thing he hadn't attacked her in this case.]

[Surprisingly, once he cleaned up and got dressed, Keith actually didn't feel as terrible as he had initially. He tied back his hair, leaving the front and sides loose to hide the new pale streak while trying to make the overall purple tint that had developed look darker and closer to his normal black hair. Not that she hadn't seen anyway that he was in pretty rough shape, but that didn't mean he wanted to go advertising it to the whole town and all the locals.

One thing he did appreciate was that gloves were the norm in Trench. Even his usual fingerless gloves were really kind of "less" than what people generally wore, and he'd adapted to wearing full gloves all the time rather easily, so that hid the current condition of his hands. The only thing he couldn't outright hide were the fangs but those had been around for a while, so he'd be shocked if anyone didn't already know about them.

When he got there, Keith's posture was still a bit more withdrawn and pulled in on himself than usual, his arms crossed in a self-protective gesture, but he was there. He was out, in town, in public, and meeting someone. That was a huge step for the moment, considering everything that had happened. He could pretend to be comfortable next time... if he even decided to do this again.

He managed a very weak smile that most definitely didn't reach his eyes.]

Hey...

[And as soon as he came into view, she smiled warmly at him, waiting for him to draw near. Part of her very nearly went to try and grab him into a hug, but ... no. She was pretty sure that was the wrong call. Instead, she opened the door into the restaurant and motioned for him to come in first.]

Hey, Keith. We'll get a booth. they're much more private.

[Deep down? She didn't know what happened, but if it was remotely like the times Allura had turned into a monster or the like, she had suspicions on what might be going through his head. So, avoiding the topic or diving right in? She was there for either.]

[He nodded. Yeah... they were. And usually against a wall. So that was a bonus.

Honestly, if she'd given him a hug, he might have accepted it. Not easily, but he was feeling pretty rough. He probably would have appreciated the gesture...

Still, playing it safe with him wasn't a bad idea, either. He was just as likely to turn tail and bolt out of the place.

Once they settled in, he started off with some water. Sure, drowning his crappy feelings in alcohol sounded great, but the post-drowning hangover he knew enough about to want to avoid it. He was going to at least try to play it safe.

He was quiet for a bit.]

Sorry... I'm... [He sighed.] Probably not great company right now. [Was he ever? Keith wasn't sure... but he knew he was even less so right now.]

[Once she was settled in, she reached across the table, offering a hand if he wanted to take it. She was testing the waters carefully with physical contact involved. Best not to take it too quickly. And so the caution continued.]

Mmm. You don't need to apologize. You are the company that I wanted today after all. You don't have to be pleasant to be the person I want to share a moment with, Keith. That's part of being friends.

Is it too personal to ask if you've died here before?

[He didn't want to bring it up if she didn't want to talk about it.]

Yours wasn't the only month of bad behavior under the influence of a curse.

[Water was brought over and she asked for something light to be brought out and shooed the server away before endeavoring to relax. She didn't look on edge, but it was clearly not the most positive of topics.]

The situation was bad and I had to be put down. I've recovered, but a good friend was hurt, and I've been treading lightly with them because of it.

[Not because she'd done the personal hurting. She'd been useless to Chara in that fight, honestly. But there was some emotional pain because she hadn't completely forsaken Chara despite everything.]

In the nightmare? Seven times. Each successively worse. You... uh, helped me deal with the stress of some of that in those days.

[Keith listened, just absorbing that information for a moment as he took the water. He didn't immediately drink it, just holding the glass between his hands for a moment and staring into it.]

I was told that... Shiro... he turned... after it happened. [So, yeah, Keith was carrying that. He knew it wasn't just because he and Lance were killed by The Reckoning, but the connection was painful. He'd known Shiro was going through a rough time because of all the people that had been disappearing lately. And it, well... he went and got himself in trouble with a Pthumerian and summarily killed... and then Shiro went over the edge.

The timing, the coincidence, whatever it was... it was hitting Keith hard.]

[Her hand definitely reached out to rest on his wrist while she listened to Keith. Vira-Lorr didn't need to fill in the blanks. He, Lance, Allura, Hunk and Shiro were all so closely attached that, if something happened to one? it didn't matter if it was directly tied at all? They felt responsible. She'd seen it several times, though each of them coped differently. Pidge... just shut people out. She'd experienced that first hand.

Closing her eyes, she breathed out.]

And no matter what I say, even telling you that you didn't cause that, that it is something that happens here. You still feel responsible, because it's Shiro. And he's one of your best friends.

He's more than that. [The words came out like a breathy whisper as Keith let out a breath of tension. He put his face in his free hand, not pulling away from her touch as he rested his elbow on the table to support his head.] He's my brother.

[Well, not really. But damn close enough. The closest thing Keith had to family here without either of his parents somehow showing up... and having his dad here would be another weird timeline thing anyway. Shiro had become Keith's family when he didn't have anyone else, when he'd been alone and scared and angry at everything.]

Of course he is. And the thought of him in pain is almost too much to bear.

[She sighed, drawing her fingers up and clasping his hand while the two of them talked. For her? Not taking the pain of her friends personally was such a hard thing she'd had to learn in this place. It wore on the soul every time. Even knowing Shiro would be back whole?

The memories were still there. It was part of why some of the oldest residents like she and he didn't always spend lots of time together. Or at least it was for her. So many painful memories. She didn't want to push them on Shiro anymore.]

And even if you know he wouldn't want you to feel like this, it can't change your heart. Because every time it happens, we hurt more deeply.

[Keith just nodded, quiet for a moment.]

He blames himself... for what happened to me an' Lance... but it wasn't his fault.

That sounds like exactly the sort of thing he would do, which I would chide him for, but I know he won't want to hear it from me.

[She'd... uh... tried to mother Shiro several times in the past. It almost never actually went well. He didn't really react well to her telling him how to handle his problems, so she'd learned to try and ease off of that.]

But as hard as it is, please don't blame yourself either. It's none of your faults. It's something that happened. If anyone is responsible, it is the Reckoning. A victim of a storm is not to blame for the storm being there, ruining their life.

[Keith swallowed hard, closing his eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath. He knew she wasn't wrong. Logically, it was all right there. He'd been possessed, the Reckoning was strictly black and white with no extenuating circumstances in her judgements, Shiro's corruption into beasthood was likely caused by a lot of factors and bad timing, Lance had stepped in of his own choice knowing that getting in the way of the Reckoning would just make him her target as well.]

I want to believe that.

[He did. He didn't want to be saddled with this crushing guilt of having so much go wrong in such a short time. But the logical brain rarely was able to talk down the emotional one. Keith was stuck, and he was having a lot of trouble digging his way out.]

And today, you are going to have a great deal of difficulty in doing that, but that's why you are with a friend. Time... helps.

[Several things, but help and support were always helpful when it came down to it, at least as far as digging oneself out of that bitter, deep hole the heart could find itself in at times like this.]

This place puts us in very ugly positions at times. It can be hard.

[Keith managed a tiny nod. He'd learned that. He'd been put through the runner a few times already. But this one had been the worst so far, by far. He felt unsteady, shaky, though he wasn't trembling. It was him, in his soul, that he felt ready to collapse. He took a few more deep breaths.]

It sucks.

It does. But just know that you're never alone in the middle of this.

[She shifted and drew closer to offer him a hug because right about then? It kind of felt like he might need that. Sometimes physical comfort could be very powerful.]

You'll never be alone in this, Keith, so if you ever need to unload you can always call me.

[He kind of just... leaned into it. Because, honestly? Yeah. Yeah, he needed that. As much as he tended to not be good at them, sometimes he just needed a hug, and he was slowly getting better at accepting them.

He finally nodded a little, pinching the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut for a second, but accepting her support.]

Thanks.

[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

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