[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

[tempredmental]

[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.

As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]

Shit-...

[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]

I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.

But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[And then the feed shut off.]

Comments

[ voice | un: keith | private ]

[tempredmental]

...

I'm not sure what... you're asking?

What else would I get out of this? I just wanted... [He sighed.] I wanted to apologize. So, I'm doing that.

[martyrofduty]

You could want absolution—whether forgiveness or punishment.

You didn't apologize.

[ Duty plays the audio of the original video clip. Keith's voice says ]

Shit-... I um... I wanted to... apologize. I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it. But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[ Duty pauses a few seconds. ]

I don't know what you did or who you hurt or how they feel. If you want to apologize, you still need to.

[tempredmental]

.....

But... I did?

[Okay, so Keith was confused. He listened to the playback.]

How is that not an apology?

[Honestly, Keith didn't remember everything he did or everyone he hurt, either, so that was also part of the problem.]

[martyrofduty]

By the most basic standard, you did not say 'I am sorry' or 'I apologize.'

I'm not here to be pedantic. I have experience with apologies (good and poor) and non-apologies. Your 'apology' is focused on you, not the hurt you caused or those you harmed.

[ Duty clenches his jaw slightly then releases it again ]

At the most basic level, an apology is acknowledging the harm you have done and who you hurt, as best you know that, accepting responsibility for your actions, accepting the consequences, and committing to doing better.

I know this place messes with our autonomy, but we still have to handle the pain we cause each other.

[tempredmental]

[Keith was definitely not in the mental space to argue with any of this. He rubbed his face.]

I thought I did most of that...

[He sounded defeated.]

I am sorry. I just can't remember all of it. [The stress leaked into his tone.] I don't remember everyone I hurt. That's why I did it this way. I'm giving people the chance to say something... or do something... or whatever they want. Because I am sorry.

I don't want this to be about me. What happens to me doesn't matter. It's up to them what they want from me.

[martyrofduty]

[ Duty knows what it's like to lose memories. Not simply once. ]

That was better.

You need to drop 'what happens to me doesn't matter' from the apology, your head, and your heart. You can do it for yourself because you're a person, or you can do it for them because if what happens to you doesn't matter, if it doesn't matter if they hurt or kill you, then what happened to them doesn't matter either.

Are you going to try to tell me it doesn't?

[tempredmental]

[Yeah, Keith was confused again, and it was evident in his voice.]

I don't know? [He was most definitely not in the best headspace for a philosophical discussion.] I just know that, whatever it is that someone feels is fair, then it's fair. I won't stop them from it.

[martyrofduty]

You need to step back, reflect, and work on yourself. That will do far more than giving everyone in Trench carte blanche to kill you.

[tempredmental]

Not everyone thinks like that, though. There are people who will want something more direct in the way of revenge.

[martyrofduty]

They'll seek it regardless, and you will return again if they succeed in the same position.

[tempredmental]

But they'd've gotten something from it, right? So, that would be that. It would be even.

[martyrofduty]

There is no guarantee of that. For some people, yes. For others, there will never be enough.

[tempredmental]

Mm... Yeah.

[Keith knew that. He'd seen it among the Galra under Zarkon. Heck, he'd seen it in Zarkon himself with the way he expanded the Empire and in Honerva in her never-ending quest to harvest quintessence. That kind of desire to have it all could extend to anything.

He sighed.]

I don't know... [He didn't know what else he could do.]

[martyrofduty]

There's no perfect answer. Not knowing is the first step.

[ Duty knows there isn't always a satisfactory answer either. ]

Not repeating it goes a long way. So much as we are able.

[tempredmental]

Trust me. I don't want to repeat it. And, if I had my say, I wouldn't.

[Yes, Keith was a troublemaker and had a temper, but he wasn't inherently bad. Random wanton chaos like what he'd done, breaking things, beating people up, it wasn't in his nature. Hence the problem he was having at the moment with all this guilt.]

[martyrofduty]

You have your say. It's called backup plans. Talk with people you trust to stop you and make sure they can.

[tempredmental]

[Oof. That hit a sore spot. Keith almost growled under his breath.]

I've been the backup plan. [Not in the sense of what happened here, but close enough. Thinking about having to be the one to step up and take over when someone died was still a backup plan.] I don't want anyone else to have to think about that.

[martyrofduty]

Death is temporary. None of us can be our own backup plan.

[tempredmental]

That doesn't make it easier for someone to think about doing.

[Keith's voice was quiet. He'd come close once. Even knowing later that it wasn't quite what he thought it was, it was still painful.]

[martyrofduty]

You cannot rely on The Reckoning.

[tempredmental]

I don't know. She seemed to do a pretty damned good job of finishing me off this time.

[Yeah, that came out kind of snappish...]

[martyrofduty]

What if she approves of it next time?

[ Slow, steady words. Unrelenting. ]

[tempredmental]

Approves of what? Random destruction? Somehow, I don't think that's her jam.

[martyrofduty]

Who knows how you'll lash out? Killing a wrongdoer is.

[tempredmental]

Mm.

[Keith was quiet for a moment, considering that.]

I guess.

[It wasn't like he'd been judging anyone he went after. At least, he didn't think he had. It was still kind of murky.]