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[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

[The video was brief, kind of like that moment when you activated the camera on your phone and forgot it was in selfie mode. The omni shook and rotated, leaving the viewer with a dizzying array of scenery that was kind of blurry and hard to make out. It was dark, though, like the person broadcasting was in a closed room with no lights on.

As the video shifted, glimpses of a person could be seen. A hand... the fingernails-turned-claws bitten down short as if trying to cover the transformation... a burn scar on the right side of a face... dark, almost black, hair with a purple tint, long-ish, shaggy looking, a thin white streak with a extremely slight violet hue to it near the left temple... pale skin... deep cobalt eyes that looked exhausted with dark tired bruises underneath from lack of sleep...]

Shit-...

[And the video was gone. It was just voice now, Keith's voice, but raspier than usual, worn sounding, loaded with regret and guilt and just... sad.]

I um... [He was hesitant. Unsure.] I wanted to... apologize. [His tone faltered, like he was searching for words, having trouble forming them and getting them out.] I... I did a lot of stuff last month. Just um... Yeah. The Reckoning took care of it.

But... if you still want... you know. Fine. I understand. I won't stop you.

[And then the feed shut off.]

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[Immediately, Lance is shaking his head in response to Keith's concerns as he pulls out of the hug and settles his back against the wall next to Keith.]

It's not really bad, it's just how my blood powers work. They're touch activated. [He looks down at his hands on his knees. He's likely already told Keith some version of this, but this is still new.] They're not that strong, all I do is make people's pain go away… I didn't know I could show anyone a memory like that.

[He dons a look of focus as he thinks back to that moment, to what he was thinking and feeling.] I think… I was frustrated because I wanted to tell you but couldn't figure out how. Or remember well enough. [He heaves a breath and shakes his head.] All it means is I've gotta be more careful. Or try to figure out how to control it.

Sasuke can do the same thing with his eyes, I think? It went wonky on him several months ago, and he hit me with a pretty strong memory by accident. He said it helps to eat something afterwards.

[Well, whether it was something in general or one of Sakura's curative riceballs, Keith wasn't sure. Either way, whatever it was that Sasuke had given him had been helpful.

Keith settled into a seated position, his left leg folded under him, the right stretched out next to him, and he fidgeted slightly with the hem of his jacket.]

You, uh... you okay now?

[This had been rough for both of them, honestly. But, something about it... Keith wasn't sure, but he felt like they'd made progress somewhere important. It was still a lot to process, but it definitely felt... significant.]

[Lance nods.] Yeah, he showed me one too.

[He glances away as a signal he doesn't really want to talk about how that went. It triggered a massive corruption spike and his first stint as a deer back then. That's a point of shame and of course trauma for him. If he could just… get and keep his shit together, he could have maybe done more instead of become a liability Sasuke had to handle.

The question has him glancing back at Keith with eyebrows drawn together, then he looks down. Again, shame he piles on himself. He wishes Keith didn't have to ask him that. But something has shifted, he feels like the ground under his feet isn't the same. He's never told anyone any of that and he's still reeling from the exchange. It feels surreal, he still doesn't quite know where the dust is going to settle.

…In another leap of faith, he decides to be honest.] …I don't think I've been okay… for a long time. [He turns concerned eyes back on Keith, shakily putting the question back on him.] What about you? I dunno if I've ever seen you so torn apart on the network like that.

[Even after everything in Deerington, Keith tended to retreat and isolate, but he also doesn't recall something like this happening to him. Becoming possessed and pushed to hurt innocent people and possibly people he cares about. Most people were subjected to that in some way eventually, but some dodged it entirely.]

[Keith nodded as well. At least, they had a place to start, right? Granted, it was likely a completely different type of power, but it was a lead.

Still, though, things were quiet for a moment as they both considered if they were 'okay'. Were they? Keith wasn't sure if he was, honestly. He listened to Lance finally admit that he wasn't. And, yeah... Keith had a feeling about that. Especially after that memory he saw. His jaw tensed as he debated his own answer. Finally, he just shook his head. He sniffled, and then took a deep breath.]

Not right now. [He let the rest of the air out in a sigh.] Maybe I will be later. But... not right now. [He looked down at his hands in his lap.] I don't even know if I did the right thing. I just... I felt like I owed people... something. [In a way, Keith had retreated. He'd retreated to the barn and had been there for hours before he'd made that post. He'd debated it with himself, felt compelled to make things right, but was afraid to admit that he wasn't okay. It was one of the reasons he'd tried to do it with just his voice. Though, he hadn't even been able to apologize correctly, either. Duty had called him out on that.]

I just... messed everything up. Again. [He squeezed his eyes shut, his voice getting choked up a bit at the end, and then pressed his hands against his eyes. He took a very deep breath, though it was shaky. No, he was definitely not okay.]

Edited 2022-10-24 08:53 (UTC)

[Lance doesn't need empathy powers for those words to hit him in the gut and the heart. It's like hearing his own thoughts said out loud, the way he's felt for a long time. And still hasn't really figured out how to not feel that way. It doesn't seem like telling Keith he didn't mess up is gonna help, it wouldn't really help him.

This whole attempt to help has been a botched collusion of painful memories and panic and misunderstandings and frankly they're both exhausted and raw. But even if everything about being around Keith is painful for him, he's going to swallow it and do his best to support him. He reaches over to place his arm behind Keith and grip his opposite shoulder near his neck. It's a very platonic, companionable semi side hug for bros and bros only.]

Yeah, you've made some mistakes before. I don't think this's one of them, but that doesn't matter much when you feel like you do… so take it from a guy who's made a zillion mistakes: all you can do is get up and try to make it right. And you always have. [He heaves a breath and swallows, continuing.]

I get feeling so guilty you can't breathe and it feels like the only way to make it right is to let someone hurt you back… but if you really wanna fix things with people, it can't just be about how bad you feel… you gotta listen to how they feel too. If they feel like you owe them something they'll tell you what it is… but I- [his voice shakes with abrupt emotion] I really don't wanna see you hurt again, man. You don't deserve that, even if someone actually wants it from you.

[Hearing Lance of all people tell him that he didn't deserve to hurt was like like a kick to the chest. Everything about them had blown so hot and cold, back home, here in Trench, just... they're whole relationship was just back and forth. And Keith often felt off balance around Lance. But that...

He'd almost resisted the half-side-hug-thing that Lance had done, but those words... He let out a sharp breath, almost like he was going to cry for a second, but he managed not to... and then finally just sagged into Lance's hold.]

[Honestly, he wasn't expecting much more than that. They're both utterly exhausted at this point, and that last little speech he just gave to try and help Keith was about the last of his juice. Through his empathic ability he can sense that Keith got something from it. Maybe it didn't fix things, but that's okay.

He is a little tense at first again, but then relaxes back against the barn wall and lets Keith lean into his side. There's a lot of things running through his head, a lot of painful things, but he doesn't have the emotional energy to fight them. He reaches into his jacket pocket to grab a bottle of alcohol and palm a pill to take quickly and chase with the drink. He's never risked doing that in front of anyone, but he needs to take the edge off and this was… a lot.

Then he side-glances at Keith to see if he noticed, and if he's watching him he'll just sigh.] Felt like one of those 'I need a drink' moments. Y'know? [After… all that.]

[Keith felt the shift and opened his eyes long enough to notice that bottle, but the angle he was at made him not notice the pill. That latter part was probably a good thing, but, even the alcohol did get a little bit of an eyebrow raise. Still, Lance actually did kind of have a point. Keith was quiet for a moment, and then put out his hand, reaching for the bottle.]

Yeah... that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

[Lance hesitates a moment and then hands it over. There's a sorrowful, far away look in his eyes as he looks off somewhere else.]

Just… don't get too comfortable with it.

[Don't be like him.]

[Keith took a long pull, and then coughed. He shook his head as he handed it back.]

Nah... tastes like shit anyway.

[But it was fine. Once in a while...? Yeah. That was fine. He didn't want to make a habit of it, but he also just couldn't argue with the idea in the moment.]

[Lance takes it back and laughs briefly under his breath when Keith coughs. Then takes another long drink and puts it back in his jacket.]

Nobody drinks it for the taste, man. And if they say they do, they're lying.

[Or pretentious. Sure, there's alcohol that has a nice taste compared to others, but if you wanted shit that tasted good first and foremost you'd probably go for something else. That's what he thinks anyway, even if he's acquired a taste for some kinds by now.

He lets out a breath and slumps more against the barn wall and tilts his head a bit to the side to rest it in the bale of hay on his other side. Already, his head's getting hazy and the things he hears start to muffle and everything mutes and becomes more vibrant in a better way. He could probably just pass out right here for a short nap before trying to coax Keith back to the house later…]

Mm.

[Honestly, Keith's only previous experiences with alcohol involved cheap beer at dorm room parties in those last couple of years at the Garrison. And, yeah... that sucked, too. It had been one of the main reasons he'd never actually gotten drunk at any. Well, that and the fact that he rarely went unless someone dragged him along for some unknown weird reason (probably a dare from another classmate to see if they could get him to be social or something). But, either way, it was crappy beer, and one of the worst types of alcohol that you could have a crappy version of was beer. Even more so when it was warm because they'd been hiding it under a bed or something and not keeping it cold.

He wrapped his arms back around his legs, looking off to the side away from Lance as he leaned his head forward to rest his chin on his knees. Kosmo was pressed up against his side opposite from Lance, just being a warm physical presence as best he could at this point.

If Lance did fall asleep, Keith wasn't going to wake him. But he also didn't exactly get up and leave, either.]

[It's not easy for him to sleep, even if he feels like he could, the best he does is doze a little, half in and half out before a flash of nightmare jolts him back. After a bit of silence, he opens one eye to glance over at Keith and his body language. He heaves a breath through his nose and reaches a hand up to lightly pat him on the back a couple times.]

Wanna go in now?

[Keith had eventually closed his eyes, but he didn't sleep either. More of the memories from that encounter on the beach were coming back... the things they'd done and said to each other right before...

But Keith wasn't sure if he could talk about it, yet. He wasn't sure if Lance could talk about it, yet. A lot had gotten pulled out here tonight already, and their feelings were pretty raw from that alone. They needed a break. He felt Lance's hand on his back as he patted him a few times with a light touch, and he opened his eyes a little, shifting them to look over.

He shrugged at the question.]

I guess.

[At least, he didn't feel the need to hide anymore. So, there was that. Though, whether he was ready to do anything else other than numbly follow Lance's lead at this point, he wasn't sure.]

[Lance frowns in concern, but he also understands completely. He isn't exactly feeling too great after everything they just talked about and shared. A large part of him is still ready to combust or disappear or crawl out of his very skin over the fact that Keith saw one of his most shameful and traumatic memories. But Keith hasn't shunned him or treated him differently. Yet. And also Keith needs help and he's not rejecting it from Lance so far, so he'll be here for him first and foremost and swallow all the shame and doubt.]

I promise the couch is way more comfortable.

[He says, trying his hardest to stay conversational, normal… everything is fine. He stands, sways a bit and then holds a hand down to help pull Keith up.]

[Keith shifted his head to watch Lance get up and then looked at the hand being held out to him. After a moment, he reached up and took it to stand.]

I don't know... it's not a great couch.

[He was trying to sound normal. Did it work?

Kosmo stood as well, ready to teleport them down to the door if they wanted.]

[Lance snorts lightly and then looks to Kosmo… maybe it'll just be easier to use his help.]

Hey Kosmo, wanna give us a lift right to the not great couch?

[The wolf gave a soft wag of his tail and moved closer. Hang-on, bipeds, it was time to go.

Keith put his hand on Kosmo's back and, once Lance was touching him, the wolf teleported them to the house. It wasn't right to the couch, but it was in the room, at least.]

[Lance shoots Keith a slight smile that doesn't really reach his eyes as he's pretty drained and still feeling rough. Then he gestures to the couch and nudges Keith's shoulder in the direction of it.]

Get some rest, man.

[Keith sighed.]

Yeah.

[The blanket and pillow he'd been on those nights he crashed at Lance's place during the reconstruction of the house were still there, at least. Sometimes, if they'd worked late or something, he'd just stay. He rubbed the back of his neck as he walked over and kind of flopped heavily on to the couch. He looked like a weight was pulling down on him as he sat there for a few moments before finally pulling off his boots. Then the jacket. Then the gloves.

He looked almost embarrassed or ashamed for a moment before he finally said something again.]

Thanks.

[For all of it. For trusting him. For supporting him. For helping him. For opening up to him. All of it.]

[Lance didn't need to be an empath to catch on to the fact that Keith felt ashamed. It was… strong in him as well. And he doesn't feel like Keith should be thanking him, but they were tired, and…

He looks down.]

You don't… have to thank me. [He fidgets his fingers together a little and glances to the side before hesitantly asking,] D'you… want me to stick around?

[The memory of how Keith had stayed with him after his meltdown about Hunk leaving is stark in his mind. If Keith needs and wants him to be nearby, he wants to be there for him too. It's just hard for him to feel confident after all of… that.]

[Keith hesitated, visibly torn. He didn't really want to be alone, but he also didn't want to ask Lance to stay in a situation where he might feel uncomfortable. So, he shrugged, and decided to leave it up to Lance.]

If you want. I wouldn't... say no to it.

[He had Kosmo, at least, and Keith was starting to realize that he relied a lot on the wolf for support... even back home. It did help, though. He pulled his legs up underneath himself on the couch, wrapping up in the blanket in an attempt to try combating the raw feeling he still had inside.]

[It's his empathic ability that allows him to pick up on the fact that Keith isn't trying to awkwardly shoo him away. Even despite all evidence in front of him and all the things he told to Keith himself, he can't help but feel like he's going to be shunned after Keith saw what he did to Allura. He's kept it bottled in his heart for so long out of fear and shame that it's hard for him to believe that it's just being accepted so easily.

For this moment, though, he can tell that Keith would appreciate the company and he's also hurting over his own struggle. So he swallows all of that turmoil and gives the slightest, trembling smile as he comes over to sit down on the ground with his back up against the couch like Keith had done for him a few months prior now after Hunk left.]

[If anything, Keith was certainly grateful Lance stayed. And, while he couldn't fully process everything they'd shared in the barn right now, he would eventually. For now, though, it was enough to just curl up on the couch knowing someone else was there... and that was what he did.]

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[ video -> voice | un: keith ]

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